Is this normal behaviour or am I being abused?

[LibrasLife]

So as the title suggests

I've been in a 4 year relationship with a woman who I love very much, but also someone I actually almost hate.. 

When ever there's an issue or a disagreement, it's like arguing with the exorcist, all my feelings or views are thrown out, I'm not allowed an opinion, because I'm acussed of being a [ ] , or giving her s***... even when I'm communicating  on egg shells to not say anything wrong, I'm punished with the silent treatment or blocked on all forms of social media or mobile contact, she will cease all communication over nothing, I've told her calmly before that I don't like certain things, an it just explodes into screaming shouting, being blamed for everything, or being threatened with being broken up with, or being told she's got options and that she doesn't care about me, and it's been like this the last 2 years every week or every 10 days, I'm faced with being blocked or broken up with, it makes me so sad because all I want is us to be happy, but no matter how much I try, she just finds reasons to be nasty over nothing I'm constantly watching what I say..

Tonight is an example

I popped to see my mom during the day before work, I made food for me and my mom an I was playing a European rock band on my phone when I was cooking, an my mom asked where is the band from, and I told my mom they're from eastern Europe, and when I was telling my gf the same story she kicked off at me acussing me of being ashamed to say where the band is exactly from, because they're from the same country as she .... I said no I'm not ashamed, like 3x and she kept trying to tell me I was wrong till I got arsey and asked her how  do you even make these assumptions, and she literally just [ ]  hung up on me, and tonight I decided to defend myself against her bullshit txts and attitude and it's the same old again, I'm blocked and broken up with 

I've told her that this behaviour is damaging me psychologically and emotionally, it's causing me physical health problems like anixty and nausea, but she excuses this behaviour as it's my fault 

If I wasn't a dick head she wouldn't be like to me, like she takes zero responsibility for anything she does,

I know in my heart I've gotta let go, but I can't... none of my friends an family like her because they've seen the s*** she's put me through 

 

I just need some help..

Edited October 5, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, LibrasLife said:

. none of my friends an family like her because they've seen the s*** she's put me through 

Do you live together? What is the real reason you can't walk away? 

[NuevoYorko]

Of course you can let go.  You don't want to.  So, at this point, you are an active and willing participant.  

Since you're currently blocked and broken up with, you could just roll with it.  Come on.

[LibrasLife]

We lived together 2 years at the start, but due to the relationship stress we both moved back to our families, I don't know why I can't walk away, it seems to be the most reasonable option, I have good job, I don't have any ties, I could literally take a  vacation every month if I wanted but all I wanted was for me an her to be happy, I don't know if it's the constant rejection, an abandoning from her what makes me fight for the relationship so much. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LibrasLife said:

We lived together 2 years at the start, but due to the relationship stress we both moved back to our families

It's been on/off for a while. Unfortunately it seems you're getting addicted to the drama. You can list how horrible she is over and over and recruit your family against her, but until you reflect what you're getting out of this, you'll have trouble severing ties.

[LibrasLife]

I'm not recruiting anyone against her, she's done that herself with her own behaviour around my friends and family, and I'm constantly making excuses for her behaviour because I just want us to be happy and have a normal relationship, I feel like it's only me putting effort in an I'm getting nothing back 

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, LibrasLife said:

I'm not recruiting anyone against her

It would be wise to get your family and friends onboard and understanding what's going on.  Do you think they'd support you to get out if you wanted to end it?

That said, I really find it hard to believe that you didn't tell your girlfriend that the band you were listening to was from her country.  It just doesn't make sense that you wouldn't refer to that country by name

 

Edited October 5, 2023 by basil67

[basil67]

2 hours ago, LibrasLife said:

I popped to see my mom during the day before work, I made food for me and my mom an I was playing a European rock band on my phone when I was cooking, an my mom asked where is the band from, and I told my mom they're from eastern Europe, and when I was telling my gf the same story

This doesn't ring true...or there's more to this than what you're saying. 

I struggle to believed you were telling you girlfriend about this inane cnversation with your mother.   I mean, if you'd told your girlfriend that your mother loves this song from a band in her country it would make sense because it would create connection.   But with not naming a country, it's not even a story worth telling.   

Of course, the alternative is that you really were concerned about naming this country to your mother.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, LibrasLife said:

 and it's the same old again, I'm blocked and broken up with 

Leave her alone. There's nothing to fight for here. You have nothing nice to say about her.

Edited October 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

Her behavior is over the top.  It's not normal or rational.  She sounds like somebody off her rocker.  As you say it's like dealing with the exorcist.   I am not prepared to say it rises to abuse but that is semantics.  It's still unhealthy for you. 

It will end when you stop it by breaking up with her & walking away for good.  Until then you are a volunteer not a victim because you keep coming back for more after 2 years.  

Your user name has Libra in it.  I assume that means you like balance.  But what you have to realize here is the crazy outweighs any good things.   Get off this merry go round once & for all. 

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, LibrasLife said:

I know in my heart I've gotta let go, but I can't... none of my friends an family like her because they've seen the s*** she's put me through 

Why can't you break up with her?  She sounds awful.  It isn't going to get better until you leave and show her you are strong enough to do without her.  She thinks you can't do better than her, show her that you can.  She doesn't respect you.

[glows]

7 hours ago, LibrasLife said:

I'm not recruiting anyone against her, she's done that herself with her own behaviour around my friends and family, and I'm constantly making excuses for her behaviour because I just want us to be happy and have a normal relationship, I feel like it's only me putting effort in an I'm getting nothing back 

This is you reacting to what you want as opposed to accepting what the situation really is. It’s shown you your dynamic is extremely unhealthy. 

It’s been years and perhaps her reaction is the same as yours- her default is to continue behaving this way without breaking up with you for good. She is absolutely no different from you and you’re both two sides of the same coin. She obviously dislikes you just as much as you dislike aspects of her. I suspect it’s an accumulation of mutual disrespect and distrust. You both have zero respect for one another or you wouldn’t keep dragging this on and baiting one another with nitpicking and arguments. She can’t seem to stand you actually but you both continue to be drawn to that dynamic and repeat the same patterns.

 

[mark clemson]

You might consider researching a bit on avoidant-insecure relationship as it sounds possible you might be in one. Avoidant people (her, perhaps) have a tendency to push people away when they are "too close" while insecure ones (you, perhaps) tend to try to repair things with the avoidant. Mild avoidant (or insecure) tendencies aren't a big deal but severe ones are, and you may be dealing with exactly that.

You might try seeing a counselor to look for techniques to help you rein in your (I would conjecture) insecure attachment tendencies which have led to you putting up with all this for so long.

This is who she is. If you want to try to "make this work" (which might or might not be a good idea) then you'd need some serious couple's counseling AND she may need individual counseling to help her find strategies to process whatever her issues are that drive this behavior. But it sounds like you (and she) may be past that already.

It's noteworthy that she breaks up BUT ALSO keeps taking you back apparently. It may be interesting to see how she reacts if/when it finally sticks. Many avoidants tend to want a relationship, just "on their own terms" (as most people do) which in their case means the relationship is at what you might call "a safe distance" in terms of emotional closeness.

[MsJayne]

It's regular, it's hurtful and damaging, yes, it's abuse. Why are you putting up with this toxic little monster? As long as you keep enabling it she'll keep doing it. Best solution, when she blocks you next time - don't contact her again, even if it nearly kills you, and ignore any contact from her. It might be the wake-up call she needs. 

17 hours ago, LibrasLife said:

all my feelings or views are thrown out, I'm not allowed an opinion, because I'm acussed of being a [ ] , or giving her s***... even when I'm communicating  on egg shells to not say anything wrong, I'm punished with the silent treatment or blocked on all forms of social media or mobile contact, she will cease all communication over nothing, I've told her calmly before that I don't like certain things, an it just explodes into screaming shouting, being blamed for everything, or being threatened with being broken up with, or being told she's got options and that she doesn't care about me

What part of all this doesn't tell you she's not playing with a full deck? She's probably grown up seeing this abusive behaviour from her parents and doesn't know any better, but it's not your job to fix her. She needs to grow a backbone and fix herself. Don't waste any more of your precious time with this nasty piece of work. 

[ShyViolet]

She's a completely toxic person and you should have ended this relationship a long time ago.

17 hours ago, LibrasLife said:

 I'm constantly making excuses for her behaviour because I just want us to be happy and have a normal relationship, I feel like it's only me putting effort in an I'm getting nothing back 

I'm sorry to say, you are just as dysfunctional as she is, if you have chosen to stay with a toxic person like this for as long as you have.  It's not normal behavior to choose to stay with a person who is abusive for two years, when you don't even live together and nothing is technically stopping you from leaving.  Something is wrong here.