Spouse makes me feel stupid

[Mom2Gs]

Today, I find myself in a challenging situation, and I could really use some advice and support. For over 20 years, I have been happily independent, pursuing my dreams and achieving my goals. I have a degree and have always taken pride in my ability to communicate effectively.

 

However, lately, I've been facing some difficulties in my relationship with my spouse. It's become increasingly apparent that they are silencing me, belittling my communication skills, and even telling me to stop talking altogether. It's incredibly hurtful when my efforts to express myself are met with criticism and mockery, as if I'm some uneducated bimbo.

 

What's especially troubling is that this behavior is new and wasn't present earlier in our relationship. I still love my spouse, but I'm finding it harder to cope with this constant disrespect. It feels like a significant deterioration in our connection and has left me feeling confused and lost.

 

I'm reaching out today to seek your advice and support. Has anyone else experienced a similar situation? How did you handle it? What steps did you take to address the issue and improve the dynamics of your relationship?

 

I also wonder if professional help, such as couples therapy or marriage counseling, could be beneficial in this situation. Have any of you sought such guidance, and did it lead to positive changes in your relationship?

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Mom2Gs said:

. It's become increasingly apparent that they are silencing me, belittling my communication skills, and even telling me to stop talking altogether. It's incredibly hurtful when my efforts to express myself are met with criticism and mockery.  this behavior is new and wasn't present earlier in our relationship. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you noticed this?  When did it start? Have there been changes in finances health or other dynamics?  How long have you been married? Do you have children? 

At best it's a power struggle, however it seems more like emotional abuse.

Marriage therapy is contraindicated in abusive relationships. The reason is the anything you say will be used against you.

You can't fix  or change an abuser. They enjoy making you miserable. It's fun for them to put you down. It puffs up their egos.  Watching you get upset and hurt is entertaining and satisfying for them. 

Please privately and confidentiality see your own therapist. Discuss the emotional and verbal abuse. Do not tell your mention anything to your spouse.

Edited October 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

When your spouse does this, point out the specifics to them right then & there.  Do it quietly in a nice way but not in public.   See if that changes the behavior.  

[glows]

Can you give examples of situations where you’ve felt this way? Yes, I have experienced this and the other person was deeply insecure about himself. I found out it was the other way around. He felt uneducated, deficient and like he didn’t fit in my life or with anyone around me which was ridiculous as he had skills and talents and was a wonderful person in his own way. You cannot make up for an insecure person’s personal issues and mental health. It is also next to impossible to rationalize with an abuser if he is indeed sociopathic and abusive. 

How is he towards your children? Does this ever happen in front of them?

Edited October 5, 2023 by glows

[BrinnM]

14 hours ago, Mom2Gs said:

For over 20 years, I have been happily independent, pursuing my dreams and achieving my goals.

Is this marriage relatively new, or have you been married to that same person all this time?

I agree with @glows- it’s either an insecurity, where he or she feels “less than” in whatever aspect, but this would usually show early on in the relationship. 
Or: He’s looking for an argument. I’ve experienced this with partners who have been “looking elsewhere”. They sometimes or often try to drive an artificial wedge between themselves and their spouse/partner, in order to justify pursuing a new love interest.

Just throwing it out there, based on my experience. Doesn’t mean it aligns w/everybody’s experience, of course. 
 

Edited October 5, 2023 by BrinnM

[Gaeta]

On 10/4/2023 at 11:01 PM, Mom2Gs said:

I have a degree and have always taken pride in my ability to communicate effectively.

Your spouse attitude isn't correct but if you have a sincere look at yourself, is it possible you come across as patronizing? Is your spouse as educated as you? Maybe they feel over-powered during communication. 

I am suspecting their reaction to your communication may be a reaction to the way you communicate to them?

[FMW]

I'll preface my comment with a reminder that every situation is different and my experience may not have anything to do with what you're experiencing.

At some point during our marriage, my former husband became increasingly critical of me and seemed to be annoyed sometimes by my mere presence.  I later realized this happened at the same time he was being unfaithful to me.  Whether it was guilt for his own actions that caused him to lash out at me, or because he was comparing me to whoever he was seeing at the moment and finding me lacking, he often made derisive remarks about what I did or what I said.  I felt like I couldn't do anything right.  

Don't ignore it.  Your situation may be very different than mine was, but the treatment is not acceptable, whatever the reason.  

 

[LuckyM]

If you could give specifics....what happened prior to this belittling? What could have caused it?

[Mom2Gs]

Well on October 7, my life as I knew it was over. I tried to talk to him. It went less than well. 7 days later my daughters and I officially moved out. I have been wishing I kept my mouth shut and then maybe we wouldn't have lost our home and omg do I miss my bonus boy. My step son is like magic, my girls and him constantly miss each other. I miss my home. I miss the family we created. 

[Gaeta]

@Mom2Gs: l'm sorry this happenned. Wasn't couple counselling an option? 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Mom2Gs said:

Well on October 7, my life as I knew it was over. I tried to talk to him. It went less than well. 7 days later my daughters and I officially moved out. I have been wishing I kept my mouth shut and then maybe we wouldn't have lost our home and omg do I miss my bonus boy. My step son is like magic, my girls and him constantly miss each other. I miss my home. I miss the family we created. 

Are you saying you regret moving out?  Did he try to get you back?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Mom2Gs said:

 7 days later my daughters and I officially moved out.

Sorry this happened. Where are you staying? Are you legally married? Do you need to legally divorce? Was it his house? 

Please read up on abusive relationships. It's good you got yourself and your children out of this situation. 

Please contact domestic violence agencies for information support and help with getting your life back together and (if you are legally married) finding appropriate legal advice. 

[Mom2Gs]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@Mom2Gs: l'm sorry this happenned. Wasn't couple counselling an option? 

It was, the one I found was 3 weeks out. He apparently looked and found one for that same week but didn't tell me so it became my fault for not putting in enough effort to find one sooner. I felt set up. Why wouldn't he tell me he found one sooner we could have done that.

[Mom2Gs]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Are you saying you regret moving out?  Did he try to get you back?

It's been odd. We stayed at my parents the first week. He owned the hoke way before we got together. Since I left he's hurried to get my items completely out reminds me we are broken up, but still comes for dinner and says he loves me but also won't say anything about the future. I cry when we talk which usually results in him screaming at me, he said it's because it breaks hit heart hearing me crying like that. I has an awful day at work 2 days ago him and my bonus son came over for dinner and he was hugging and kissing me in front of the kids and then left the next morning I called him crying saying I missed my family being all together and him so much.... he replied with I knew if I did that you'd just expect it. I swear I died inside a bit. 

[Mom2Gs]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Where are you staying? Are you legally married? Do you need to legally divorce? Was it his house? 

Please read up on abusive relationships. It's good you got yourself and your children out of this situation. 

Please contact domestic violence agencies for information support and help with getting your life back together and (if you are legally married) finding appropriate legal advice. 

I was lucky to find an above ground suite with my daughters. It's very beautiful and bright. He wouldn't give me furniture even stuff I brought so I'm literally starting over. My parents are only 2 blocks away which is nice. I bought a bicycle so I am doing that when not working or feeling so sad I can't get out of bed. 

We have been engaged and just call each other husband and wife. 

I didn't see him as abusive but my ex from years ago and I are still friends and he seems to think it was abusive. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Mom2Gs said:

He apparently looked and found one for that same week but didn't tell me so it became my fault for not putting in enough effort to find one sooner.

I don't believe him and you should not. He wants you out and wants it to be your fault. 

When people make a sudden change in their attitude like he did at the beginning of the month, it means something big is going on. You may not see it, or believe it now, but I am 99.9% certain your spouse has met someone else. He was pushing you away anyway possible so you'd leave. It's a very coward way of not taking responsibility for ending the relationship himself. 

Separation is hard, starting over is hard, but staying in a toxic relationship should not be an option for you and your daughters. You will be fine, you will rebuild yourself to happiness and you'll find someone better eventually, much better. 

Home is where you and your daughters are. Build a new home for them, a loving one full of respect, patience, consideration, understanding and teach by example, when a man does not love and respect us any longer then the relationship is over because we are human being worthy of respect. Your daughters are looking at you, be strong for them. 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Mom2Gs said:

I was lucky to find an above ground suite with my daughters. It's very beautiful and bright. He wouldn't give me furniture even stuff I brought so I'm literally starting over. My parents are only 2 blocks 

This is wonderful news. Now you can start over and provide a better abuse -free environment for yourself and your children and have support nearby.  It's excellent you weren't married and have to deal with that on top of everything else. . 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Mom2Gs said:

Since I left he's hurried to get my items completely out reminds me we are broken up, but still comes for dinner and says he loves me but also won't say anything about the future.

You need to take your power back.  How is he supposed to miss you and want you back when you invite him over for dinner and to spend the night.  You are showing him you're willing to accept crumbs just to be with him.  I too think he's met another woman and may be replacing you by his actions.  For all you know he could have gotten another woman pregnant and is moving her in.  As long as you cry and act weak for him, he will continue to treat you that way.  Do you work?