My Husband found out he has a son from past affair

[Mallory]

My husband just discovered that he has a 17 year old son. My husband admitted to having an affair, the woman was married as well. At the time, we were having some issues in our marriage, not communicating. He was in Medical residency, I was in graduate school.as well. We had been married for five years 

 After learning of the affair, I left him, completed grad school out of state. We never contemplated divorce, he did everything to win my trust and forgiveness. We went a year of not seeing each other. I returned home one evening and there he was asking me to come home. 

We took it slow, we sought counseling and it helped, we did everything correctly. The first time we were intimate again. I became pregnant with our daughter, now 16. He was thrilled. Everything has been amazing in our marriage.We grew stronger, we were happy.

 This son is the result of the affair. The mother has lied, pretending her husband was the father. It came out, that she had an affair and there was a DNA test, and everything has led up to my husband finding out he has a son. 

I don't know how to feel. I realize it's not the boys fault. He just wants to know the truth. He's hurt because he has been lied to. My frustration is opening old wounds. My husband said he used protection with her. Obviously not. I feel myself withdrawn from my husband. He has apologized. We haven't had a sit down deep conversation yet. The shock of it is still fresh. For both of us.

 Our daughter is excited. She has a brother! They have met and hit it off. That has helped a lot. It's lessened the blow for me in respect to my daughter possibly being angry. She isn't. 

I guess what I am seeking is advice on what to expect next for my marriage. I don't believe it's something to divorce him over. I'm afraid it may affect our marriage. Bring up the hurt in the past? It's odd because it happened so long ago. I'm in my late 40s now, my husband is 51.

Have any of you delt with a similar issue? 

 

[BaileyB]

I haven’t, but I will still offer a kind opinion, if that’s ok.

I wouldn’t divorce my husband at this point, he has worked hard to be the man that you want him to be and the fact that he has a son (while a shock) does not invalidate all the work you have done and the beautiful life that you have built together.

Amazing that your daughter and his son get along - that will help to heal this…

If it was me, I would go back to counselling. Just because you did the work once doesn’t mean that your work or your healing is done. I would see an individual counsellor and I would go for a few sessions of marriage counselling, if possible. 

Time heals all wounds. This news has (rightfully so) re-opened some old wounds that you thought had healed… with time, they will heal again. 

Best wishes. 

Edited October 5, 2023 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

This is shocking for everyone involved so l'd suggest you return to counselling to navigate this one. This young man will become part of your life and you cannot live in constant inner turmoil over the memory.  

I think it's great the kids hit it off, it may be the beginning of a life long friendship. 

It's been seen before, good things can come out of bad ones.

[glows]

I have a more critical view of your husband and the situation because there are some gaps and maybe you’ll help fill in. 

He told you he used a condom and you now believe he lied. Pregnancy can still occur before ejaculation, during foreplay or if any pre seminal fluid was present near or inside you. Your resentment and distrust is still there considering you’ve come to the immediate conclusion that he lied outright about the use of the condom. There’s a breakdown in trust. 

It’s fine that your daughter is happy and she grew up with both her parents but his son grew up without knowing his biological father and I’d be cautious of frustration and resentment towards your husband, his own mother and jealousy towards your daughter. He’s only 17 and not of legal age, still a kid and a dependent.

How did your husband react to the news? I find it odd that time enough has passed that the kids immediately contacted one another and have met and yet your husband hasn’t even afforded you the time of day for a “sit down” chat? Can you clarify this - was this out of respect for you or your wishes ie needing time to process or is he avoiding the elephant in the room or trying to buy himself time?

Also, is your husband back in communication with this affair partner/other married woman since all this came about? I’m trying to figure out what is taking him so long to get his act together and discuss this with his wife (you). Is he discussing it with her instead? 

While I don’t think it’s impossible for your marriage to work, I suspect it’s going to dig up a lot of history and that painful time. I’m curious to know what kind of relationship you and your husband intend to have with his son’s mother and father(his family) and will you be able to spend special occasions, vacations and holidays with your husband’s affair partner and the woman he cheated on you with. His father may be struggling also and hurt over the betrayal. Do you know anything about that?

[mark clemson]

Given that you'd already "processed" the affair and built essentially a new life together, I would suggest essentially "laying low". Specifically I mean taking a neutral stance towards the kid and allowing your husband to have whatever kind of relationship with him he sees fit (within reasonable boundaries of course). But if seeing this young person pains you, you don't have to participate beyond the most superficial levels. There is no requirement to do so, much as if you had a nephew on his side who you didn't care for, etc. No reason to engage beyond the minimum.

If financial considerations come into play (and they might for college expenses, given his age) then suggest you look at him as you might if there was a child from a previous marriage. Not particularly positive for your kids financially (in the sense that funds are ultimately limited), but (possibly, if he sees it this way) a "necessary obligation" from your husband's point of view in the "provide for your offspring" mentality that many men have.

As you noted, none of this is the kid's fault.

[MsJayne]

I can understand your shock, and I imagine you may be feeling some sense of loss also, that being the loss of family life as you knew it. How sad for the son that he’s been the subject of DNA testing, with the outcome being traumatic for all concerned. You must be feeling grateful that your daughter is adjusting well so far. In your shoes I think I’d expect feelings of betrayal to re-emerge, and possibly anger, maybe a lot of it. Your husband now has a lifelong connection to his affair partner, and you now have a forever reminder of the affair. I agree with others that some counselling may help you get through the period of adjustment and acceptance. 

[OKtoday]

What a gift it was to have all those years with your husband to build a strong foundation together before you received this news. 

You can handle this now!! 

That would have been a completely different story if this news arrived early in your marriage, soon after the affair.

All kinds of people can make a difference in your life. Be open to this being one of them.

[Clockwork]

I am going to offer another side to this story. I am glad your husband has tried to make up for things in the past, that for sure has helped and I will give him credit for it. 

That being said, my guess is somewhere in the last 17 years your husband saw what this boy looked like. Even if the woman said the boy's father was her husband's, there isn't a man on this earth that wouldn't be checking out for himself whether or not this kid actually looks like him. I am just going to go out on a limb and say that your husband - if he saw this kid at any point in his life - suspected the boy might be his anyway. Simply because they probably look like one another and have similarities. 

I can remember when I met my wife, it shortly after I last saw my toxic ex. I knew pretty much right away that I was going to marry my wife, but for a couple of months I was a little concerned if my ex was pregnant. It was just pure paranoia on my part of course, but she was the "poke a hole in the condom" type of girl, so I never put it past her. That being said, about 3-4 months into my new relationship (then girlfriend, now wife) I asked someone that knew my ex if she was pregnant. Obviously she wasn't, but I guess what I am saying is that in order for me to be at peace and move on fully I wanted to know this. I can't imagine your husband not at least knowing for sure this kid wasn't his. I am guessing he had to have at least suspected it was his all of this time. Even a man that isn't good at math can still add +9 months. 

[S2B]

Did he know of the pregnancy during that year you weren’t totally together?

[OKtoday]

A 17 year old boy had his own family who raised him. He’s not going to require much at this stage. This may be more of a friendship or someone to catch up with a few times a year.
You missed all the hard parts of raising him alongside your daughter. That would have been the real challenge!!!!!!!!

I’d be so happy I got to enjoy all those years raising my daughter without this daily reminder.

You agreed to get back together many years ago, you seem to have a very good relationship…and you don’t even need to share this with others if you don’t want to.

 

Edited October 20, 2023 by OKtoday