Ghosted 2 weeks before 3 Year Anniversary Trip

[SamoWatercolor]

During the height of the pandemic a long-distance relationship was kindled. 

I, an older entrepreneur, she, a young college graduate, got along well despite the age gap. 

She called me every night, we'd talk until late, exchanging snaps and videos.  I shared with her my tales and life lessons, she did her best to get me hip to new music and fashion, and they both found the humor and excitement in it all. 

If we didn't fall asleep on our phones all night, something she asked for and loved, to still be on the phone when either would wake up, she would call as soon as she got up to tell me good morning. I, being in an earlier time zone, would gently text, or send a snap photo of my face with "good morning sunshine."

We came to get to know each other well and even exchanged "I love you's." Although we had never formally discussed what our relationship status was, it was an unspoken understanding that we were together. 

Aside from a very intense, brief, meeting in person in early 2021, we had hardly spent any time together but still, she called every night and we found ways to be intimate *wink* *wink* via technology. 

Things remain this way for a while. This was the "new normal" as the world was turned upside down by the pandemic and quarantine, we forged our little world of love and happiness despite being thousands of miles and years apart.

But as the world slowly crawled out of the pandemic era restrictions and dealt with the realities of a changed world, some cracks began to show in the happy shiny relationship. 

As stated before, the world was different, the pandemic put a big mental and financial strain on many, including me. I did my best to tell her that my day-to-day life under the pandemic was WAY different than my life pre-pandemic, my work required long hours of focus and that I more than likely wouldn't have the amount of free time that she had come to be accustomed to. 

"You leaving me?" She'd ask in a pouting manner whenever I said I had to get up and go to work.  Any "good morning" texts or snaps may trigger an immediate phone call from her where she wanted to have small talk, even though I was just carrying on tradition and letting her know she was on his mind, but it being during the middle of the morning I couldn't hold a conversation as I was already hard at work...needless to say this never sat well with her. 

As the relationship went on, She found herself without many friends and without many responsibilities. She was out of a job; she had a falling out with her closest friend at the time and was no longer in school. I became the person she'd go to for everything. Any problems, any highlights, anything, she'd run to me to tell me all about it either to share in her joy, have me alleviate her fears, or just to listen and make her feel heard. 

The coast was clear for travelling, but my finances and work obligations prevented me from doing so. 

So we remained apart...for birthdays, holidays, summer vacations, our anniversary, etc. 

But finally, after 2 years I was able to fly to her and spend time with her. After 2 years we finally had our first official date. After 2 years we finally consummated our relationship with real physical intimacy. 

Fast forward to 2 months ago....

After a week travelling and enjoying concerts out of town, She started a new job and has been hanging out with new work friends. 

Whereas before, she and I would perhaps watch a movie or show together most nights, now on the weekends she's either hanging out with co-workers or party going friends at bars or night clubs. 

Not the jealous type, I encouraged her to live it up and enjoy her youth and I instead used the time to catch up on some much-needed sleep. 

But things had changed, and I could feel it. 

We had never shied away from direct communication in the past, so I immediately let her know I thought we needed to reconnect and catch up. 

We spoke on the phone for hours that night. 

She lamented the fact that she has been going out so much. She expressed concern that she would get caught up in the dead-end lifestyle of her coworkers hard partying and substance abuse. She even spoke of a coworker whose boyfriend ended their relationship because of her prolonged absences due to her excessive partying and substance abuse. She emphasized how she didn't want to end up like her. 

Eventually she asked me what's on my mind. 

I told her how much I loved her and all the things I loved about her.  Doing so made her cry for a while. 

She asserted her love for me repeatedly.

I broached the subject of clearly defining how we saw one another and whether she saw a life with me. 

She told me she did see and want a life with me. She gets a little nervous because we do want different lifestyles: I want a quiet life on a large plot of land, she wants to be social in a big city. But we both agreed that for right now we very much want to be a part of each other's lives. 

She apologized for being distant the past couple of weeks and chalked it up to getting swept up into that crowd of coworkers. 

We then planned a trip, I was to fly to see her since she was busy with work and pursuing a new degree. We had a date set and for the past few weeks she'd excitedly talk about the visit.

"Have you gotten your ticket yet?!"
"I'll have to bring all the dresses you got me and have you pick what I wear!"
"I don't even care about going out, I just want to be with you, I just want you here."

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I had to go out of town for probably the most important meeting of the past 10 years, a life changing opportunity was afforded to me.  Throughout the week our routine managed to stay pretty much unchanged, she called me every night, falling asleep on the phone like she liked. The meeting went well, I was on a natural high! I shared the good news with my girl and she was excited and proud, she knew how much it meant to me. 

She called me Saturday to tell me about her day as always, I had gotten her a souvenir bag that I had planned to give her when I visited, she was excited for it. As we got sleepy we exchanged good nights and the last thing she said to me was "I love you."

That's the last time I heard her voice. 

I texted her the next day: 

Me: Good morning baby, did you see my snap?
Her: no not yet. 
I’m sorry I’m going through it right now. 
I don’t have any time for myself for real. 
I work every shift up until I have to go back to school and I haven't gotten any of my work done. 

Me : No need to apologize to me. I understand and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I want to support you in any way I can. Remember, there's no pressure to check in and update me, I understand you're busy. Please focus on what you need to do. Whether you need someone to talk to or just to know someone is rooting for you, I'm here and will always be here for you. I believe in you, and I love you.

I wouldn’t hear anything from her for the next 3 days, I finally messaged her Wednesday:
Me: Hey baby, I know you've been busy but do you think you'll have some time to talk this week?
Her: Yes I think we can find some time, my schedule's been crazy.

No further communication for the rest of the week. 

Finally, this Monday I called her during her typical break time. No answer. 

I followed with a text:
“We haven't spoken in a week. I know you're busy, but this is starting to feel like more than just busyness. Should I take this as you not wanting to talk at all?”
*text goes green*

Later around the time that she gets off of work I go to type another message and I get the
"***** has notifications silenced"

She hid alerts for me.
So I replied (admittedly out of frustration):

"It didn't even have to be this deep. Things change, people, change, you've moved on clearly. After 3 years I thought we meant a little more to each other than ghosting and blocking. But like I always said, I'll never stand in the way of your happiness. Live it up, you deserve it all."

So that's the end of it, after 3 years she essentially ghosted me 2 weeks out from our anniversary and trip that she had been vocal about being excited for.

It's a tough pill to swallow as you can imagine. In my mind I realize it's more to do with her than me, ghosting is an act of shame so she's gotta deal with that and I have to deal with the fact that the person I came to love doesn't exist anymore. 

I'm doing my best to not make up any stories as to why she did what she did and certainly not taking her actions as a reflection of me or my worth.  

I'm currently dusting myself off, allowing myself to feel what I feel while still showing up for myself, it took 3 years to get here so it's not something I'm going to shake in 3 days.

I never expected her to do anything like this. 

 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, SumoWatercolor said:

I go to type another message and I get the. "***** has notifications silenced"

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately with her partying and substance use, it seems she met someone.  It's a cruel way for her to end it. Is she active on other platforms or are you blocked?

Edited October 5, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

You don't give your age, but you sound quite old (I'm old too, I'm not being ageist) so I imagine you'd have enough life experience to know that this wasn't going to go anywhere.  And to be honest, your exchanges sit in a creepy place between paternalistic support and sexual stuff.  I think it's highly likely she ended up disturbed by this odd kind of relationship and basically got the icks and disappeared.  And if someone disappears because they have the icks, it's not an act of shame...it's more about making a smooth get away from something which feels wrong inside.

Be glad for her that she's met people her own age and is establishing a friend group and meeting boys.  She's finally living a full life of a young woman.

 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, SumoWatercolor said:

We then planned a trip, I was to fly to see her since she was busy with work and pursuing a new degree. We had a date set and for the past few weeks she'd excitedly talk about the visit.

"Have you gotten your ticket yet?!"
"I'll have to bring all the dresses you got me and have you pick what I wear!"
"I don't even care about going out, I just want to be with you, I just want you here."

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I had to go out of town for probably the most important meeting of the past 10 years, a life changing opportunity was afforded to me.  Throughout the week our routine managed to stay pretty much unchanged, she called me every night, falling asleep on the phone like she liked. The meeting went well, I was on a natural high! I shared the good news with my girl and she was excited and proud, she knew how much it meant to me. 

Did you have to out of town during the time you were to visit her, if I'm reading this right you were supposed to fly out to her right after your important business meeting?

Sometimes people grow tired of not having enough in person time and eventually decide they have had enough. Not sure if that is what happened here but sounds like this new life of hers is 100% what is currently on her mind and there is no bandwidth for you. Especially if she is younger and can now go out and party now that the pandemic is coming to an end.

To me, this situation is all too common these days. People enter these LDRs and they work for awhile on the back burner when it is a vacation but when real life hits, and schedules are so different long term, you wind up with this with either party getting exhausted, especially in a case like yours where one person is home and the other is at work 24/7.

Distance kills fantasies. I don't know whether she used you for a source of excitement and validation for her to live on an extended weekend when reality is most of her days are her just doing nothing waiting for work.

[glows]

Your lifestyles don’t even match and if I had to guess I think she plain and simple didn’t see a future with you. She likes the city and you want the quiet countryside. She likely got bored.

Im not surprised if she thought it was highly weird and strange that an older person wouldn’t spot the incompatibility and not only that put a stop to it early on. She might have expected more out of you and then just got frustrated with the situation and stopped wanting to interact anymore either. 

Someone else was in a similar situation (large age gap but in the work place) and I had commented on the eventual dwindling of respect over time. In your case it may be a mixture of boredom, realizing you’re not compatible at all and loss of respect because you seem naive or didn’t have better judgment in regards to the lack of compatibility.

Either way, brush yourself off and learn from this. Date locally at least if you’re going to pursue the hurdle of large age gap/cross-generational type relationships. You see first hand and will recognize just how compatible or incompatible you really are in reality.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, SamoWatercolor said:

I'll have to bring all the dresses you got me and have you pick what I wear!"

Were you giving her money and buying her things?  If so, that could have been part of the attraction she had for you. There are a lot of users out there.  It sounds like she met someone and was too chicken to tell you  so she ghosted.   She'll be back around when she needs something from you.  Don't get fooled again.

[mark clemson]

The vast majority of relationships end, and TBQH it sounds like you were "wishful thinking" glossing over substantial incompatibilities. At any rate, if someone is set on moving on, there is often little one can do but let them.

If you have a lot to offer a woman, you'll probably not have too tough of a time moving on to a new partner. So, suggest you take some time to process this emotionally, and then do just that. There are lots of other fish in the sea.

[ExpatInItaly]

It is immature and inconsiderate of her to just ignore you and disappear. That is rude regardless of circumstances. 

Having said that, I struggle to understand how you believed this cyber romance could ever really stand a chance in real-life. This always had an expiration date, and was essenitally always a fantasy. I realize you talked a lot and spent a bit of time together, but it never had legs to last. You two sound fundamentally incompatible and I get the sense the age gap is significant enough that it means you're in completely different stages of your lives. It was always going to an end, and here you are. I would strongly caution you against ever getting this wrapped up in an online thing in the future. 

Out of curiosity, how did you happen to meet this young woman who lived so far away?