Why didn't I get a second date

[Isaiah]

Why didn’t I get a second date

While I was working security at a bar a girl came up to me asked if I was single and then asked for my number which I gave to her. The next day she texted me and we talked for a few days. I then planned a date, we went and got food at an arcade and then played some games. The date lasted for 4 hours. 

Conversation was really easy which was nice because I am not someone who talks a lot. We laughed a lot and teased each other, overall a really good date. I dropped her off and told her I’ll text her to plan something for the following week. When I got home I texted her to thank her for the night that I had great time and I look forward to seeing her again. She replied saying she had such a good time and said goodnight. 

The next night I texted her that we should go to this music centre kinda museum because she said she was really passionate about playing music and heard nothing from her. 

So I’m very confused because everything was initiated by her except for planning the date. I understand that sometimes after meeting in person the physical attraction isn’t there and that’s why second dates don’t happen regardless of how good the first was but she obviously found me attracted to approach and ask for my number and we had a great date with lots of laughs and some playful teasing.

I’m just looking for some different opinions, I unfortunately haven’t had much luck in the dating world and it’s getting very disheartening.

[stillafool]

That's a good question because she was the one to ask for your number. Maybe she was expecting you to be more affectionate with her.  Did you try to kiss her, hold her hand?  Girls like that stuff.  If you don't make your intentions clear they will view you as a friend or ghost.

[Gaeta]

Women's attraction is more complicated. 

She approached you because she found you attractive but after the date she might have decided even if you look great, and you're probably a great guy too, you are just not what she's looking for. 

[Isaiah]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

That's a good question because she was the one to ask for your number. Maybe she was expecting you to be more affectionate with her.  Did you try to kiss her, hold her hand?  Girls like that stuff.  If you don't make your intentions clear they will view you as a friend or ghost.

I didn’t for a few reasons. I went for a hug when I picked her up and she seemed almost shocked and not really open to it so it decided not to try anything else unless she started to touch me throughout the date and she didn’t so I assumed she wasn’t a touchy-feely person, and second I tend to get attached quickly so I usually don’t try and kiss on the first date. I was going to hold her hand on our second date at the museum but I really just wanted to have fun and get to know her for the first date. Also am I not showing clear intention by asking for a second date?

Edited October 6, 2023 by Isaiah

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like she was interested you had a good date and did everything right. Perhaps she's flaky or on/off with someone? It doesn't seem like anything wrong with the date or the follow up. 

[Isaiah]

53 minutes ago, Isaiah said:

I didn’t for a few reasons. I went for a hug when I picked her up and she seemed almost shocked and not really open to it so it decided not to try anything else unless she started to touch me throughout the date and she didn’t so I assumed she wasn’t a touchy-feely person, and second I tend to get attached quickly so I usually don’t try and kiss on the first date. I was going to hold her hand on our second date at the museum but I really just wanted to have fun and get to know her for the first date. Also am I not showing clear intention by asking for a second date?

To add is that not something she could communicate with me, you know like adults. I’m just very frustrated in general but also towards myself

[Isaiah]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like she was interested you had a good date and did everything right. Perhaps she's flaky or on/off with someone? It doesn't seem like anything wrong with the date or the follow up. 

I’m just fed up with doing everything right and still getting nowhere, like if I couldn’t even get a second date with someone who approached me then what luck do I have with anyone else ya know. It’s hard to stay positive and optimistic.

[basil67]

I'm sorry this happened to you.  Thing is though, romantic attraction generally functions on a number of levels simultaneously.  In your case, it sounds like you ticked the box for looks and had good conversation, but she didn't get romantic/sexual vibes.  

It could also be that the she didn't feel like the conversation was easy.   One person's easy conversation can be another person's awkward conversation.   Not that you necessarily did anything wrong, it's just that she was the wrong person

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Isaiah said:

To add is that not something she could communicate with me, you know like adults. I’m just very frustrated in general but also towards myself

Don't be so hard on yourself.  I too don't think you did anything wrong, it's just hasn't worked out yet with this girl.  She may still contact you.  Don't give up on dating, the more you date the better you get at it.

[d0nnivain]

Dating can be difficult.  It's disheartening when you think things went good but no 2nd date happens.  We have all been there. 

There used to be a show on a morning radio station around here called Blown Off.  People like you could call in & the DJs would get in touch with your date to find out what happened.   I'm sure they only played the craziest ones but often times what happened would be out there:  somebody got stupid drunk; somebody took the date to buy drugs; an EX showed up; the woman was visibly pregnant.  

You may never know but that doesn't mean you should give up. 

[glows]

OP, I think you hit the nail on the head becoming too attached too quickly. This was a random woman at a bar you work at where there are hundreds if not thousands of other women. There was one date where she showered you with plenty of attention and then ghosted you as in no reply further to a suggestion on a 2nd date. She just wasn’t interested enough or gets her kicks from seeing how many bouncers she can hit on and get dates with. People do all sorts of things just for their highs. The mild red flag is she came on quite strong asking for your number, the date seemed hours long where she was charming and flirtatious and then she decided to ghost without a single bid farewell out of respect. In the larger scheme of things is this really someone you can respect given her behaviour disappearing without a word? 

Please hold on that negative self talk and assuming the worst being about you or that you’re not good enough for instance and should give up. If I had to guess this was just a random person who took her chances for the kicks and giggles and then split when the next new thing showed up or realized she’s not interested. All without the decency to tell you it’s not a match - ranking social skills likely bottom of the barrel despite her charms during a date.  

[Els]

5 hours ago, glows said:

OP, I think you hit the nail on the head becoming too attached too quickly. This was a random woman at a bar you work at where there are hundreds if not thousands of other women. There was one date where she showered you with plenty of attention and then ghosted you as in no reply further to a suggestion on a 2nd date. She just wasn’t interested enough or gets her kicks from seeing how many bouncers she can hit on and get dates with. People do all sorts of things just for their highs. The mild red flag is she came on quite strong asking for your number, the date seemed hours long where she was charming and flirtatious and then she decided to ghost without a single bid farewell out of respect. In the larger scheme of things is this really someone you can respect given her behaviour disappearing without a word? 

Please hold on that negative self talk and assuming the worst being about you or that you’re not good enough for instance and should give up. If I had to guess this was just a random person who took her chances for the kicks and giggles and then split when the next new thing showed up or realized she’s not interested. All without the decency to tell you it’s not a match - ranking social skills likely bottom of the barrel despite her charms during a date.  

Agreed with this. I wouldn't necessarily assume that you did anything wrong,  the whole thing sounds a little fishy to me from the start honestly. It's extremely aggressive for someone to approach a stranger who is working and ask for their number straight up, IMO - this applies regardless of gender. People can and do ask for numbers from waitstaff, but while the ethics are still dubious, it usually happens after they've at least had a conversation and built some rapport. This one just sounds like her friends set her up on a dare or something.

[Ami1uwant]

On 10/6/2023 at 2:32 PM, Isaiah said:

I didn’t for a few reasons. I went for a hug when I picked her up and she seemed almost shocked and not really open to it so it decided not to try anything else unless she started to touch me throughout the date and she didn’t so I assumed she wasn’t a touchy-feely person, and second I tend to get attached quickly so I usually don’t try and kiss on the first date. I was going to hold her hand on our second date at the museum but I really just wanted to have fun and get to know her for the first date. Also am I not showing clear intention by asking for a second date?

My two cents….

 

I wouldn’t have tried to kiss her right ehrn you met.  I would have waited.

 

im not sure how she was in dating like being touchy otpr wanting to kids.

 

if you seemed to be having fun together is when I would have attempted to touch her in some way like her hands. Maybe getting to hold hands at some point and thrn going for the kiss at the end of the date.

 

of course women can be very picky.  Was there anything you talked to her about that could have affected her to not wanting to date you again?  Like not wanting kids or political leanings not matching hers.  You could have had bad breath. In getting to talk to you maybe she saw some “ class differences” or she found out you don’t have much in common in interests.

[Sony12]

You likely aren't the only one she goes up to and asks for their number. A lot of these types of behaviors don't happen coincidentally. She likely does it frequently and probably goes to places like that looking for people to pick up.

Edited October 9, 2023 by Sony12

[Lotsgoingon]

No need to be hard on yourself or blame yourself for not trying to kiss her.

She just decided, for whatever reason, that she doesn't want to try to date you. Literally could be a million reasons, including that she got drunk and hooked up with someone else and now fears you would reject her. More likely, she just decided she wasn't interested enough to date you.

Look, the ghosting in this situation is actually a back-handed, though very painful, compliment. If she hated you or thought you were a jerk, she would have felt more comfortable just saying "I'm not interested in romance." Or she would have told you to go where the sun don't shine. The ghosting probably stems from her mixed feelings that ultimately leaned towards she's not interested in dating you. Note: "not interested" doesn't mean you didn't anything wrong.

You got to update your dating game. Someone doesn't reply quickly to a text mentioning another possible date? You move on. And you should be able to move on because after one date there is no reason to be madly in love with this person. After one date, you have NO IDEA what this woman is really like or what she's going through in her life. None. So you don't need to interpret her silence as some kind of painful rejection.

She's not for you. Keep going! Who's the next person you're going to ask out!?

[Versacehottie]

On 10/6/2023 at 8:45 AM, Isaiah said:

I understand that sometimes after meeting in person the physical attraction isn’t there and that’s why second dates don’t happen regardless of how good the first was

IMO this is the most COMMON reason and likely what happened based on what you described.  You say you understand it then give yourself the grace that this is probably what happened DESPITE you doing most things "right" I would agree that from a logistics way, you did do things "right". Chemistry though is more complicated than that. She can see you as a good guy and have friendly banter with you but it stops there...that's why you got one date and only the one. I'd guess she was attracted to you bc she did approach you...so you have something about looks going your way--enough to get you on a date with someone you also find attractive. I'd be wondering if your interpretation of dating is off though...because you think she finds you attractive enough to go on a date but then you seem to think it should magically continue otherwise you wouldn't be asking us, right? I think it's better to think of the initial physical attraction or whatever caused her to ask for your number initially as just a foot in the door sort of thing. It's not a guarantee of anything besides a first date...and even then it can fall apart before you go on the first date. If you keep that in mind, you might be less disappointed and more realistic..and up the rest of your game. While I don't think you did anything wrong, I'd be curious as to why 1st dates are morphing into 2nd, 3rd and so on.....

Here's something you said that I'm super curious about...

On 10/6/2023 at 8:45 AM, Isaiah said:

Conversation was really easy which was nice because I am not someone who talks a lot.

hmmmm, i read this as she brought you out of your shell in a way where you then characterized it as things going really well bc she brought out this good side of you that rarely comes out.  I wonder what her read on that would be? If you look at it like on a spectrum...where you don't talk a lot and might be reserved and she is bold enough to ask a guy for his number, effectively asking you out, you are on two opposite ends of the spectrum. Where she might not have appreciated the way you approach stuff. I know that some guys take a while to warm up or that their "a lot" in terms of conversation might come off as a lack of enthusiasm--whereas you think you're emoting a lot. You might think she can't read you but she probably is more perceptive than you imagine. She might have been going on how you look and then what she experienced in person on the first date was sort of meh...even if she had a decent time and it "seemed" like she was having fun. Anyway, I'm super curious about why you don't talk a lot. I'm not imagining you need to be a chatterbox but if you hold back to the extent that someone doesn't get a real experience of your personality or worse thinks you have no personality, that could be blowing dates. I mean, you only have one chance to make the first impression (which is technically the second first impression--like a more fleshed out one than the initial impression). Usually people will be physically attracted to someone, assign a bunch of attributes to you that they are looking for/hoping for but then if the reality is different on the first date for example, they aren't interested. 

*for the record lots of women can make a first date seem like a good one with no intention of going on a second or they will decide afterward that they don't see it going any further. That happens a lot. 

Try not to be discouraged. You sound like a good guy. I think based on what I said that you have to get more comfortable and confident in letting your personality shine through. 

[stillafool]

Maybe she's an outlier.  Perhaps she approaches many guys she finds attractive, gets their number and dates them and then moves on to the next so as not to get serious with anyone so she doesn't end up in a relationship.  Not all women want or need a relationship.  Maybe she's a player.

[Maldives]

On 10/7/2023 at 1:45 AM, Isaiah said:

Why didn’t I get a second date

While I was working security at a bar a girl came up to me asked if I was single and then asked for my number which I gave to her. The next day she texted me and we talked for a few days. I then planned a date, we went and got food at an arcade and then played some games. The date lasted for 4 hours. 

Conversation was really easy which was nice because I am not someone who talks a lot. We laughed a lot and teased each other, overall a really good date. I dropped her off and told her I’ll text her to plan something for the following week. When I got home I texted her to thank her for the night that I had great time and I look forward to seeing her again. She replied saying she had such a good time and said goodnight. 

The next night I texted her that we should go to this music centre kinda museum because she said she was really passionate about playing music and heard nothing from her. 

So I’m very confused because everything was initiated by her except for planning the date. I understand that sometimes after meeting in person the physical attraction isn’t there and that’s why second dates don’t happen regardless of how good the first was but she obviously found me attracted to approach and ask for my number and we had a great date with lots of laughs and some playful teasing.

I’m just looking for some different opinions, I unfortunately haven’t had much luck in the dating world and it’s getting very disheartening.

We all can only speculate her decision. My guess and to highlight your masculinity a lil more, you shouldn't have let the first date go on any longer than an hr or so so she just gets a taste of you. Then wait a few days before texting her again and no follow up text unless she does.Then, after a few days if you initiate contact, do it to arrange the next date only. Then you can gouge her interest. The great thing is if she's not into you that's fine. You want to find and be with a woman who is interested in you anyway. 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Goodguy05