Advice please? Recent break up.

[Anon1996]

I recently broke up with my gf. I thought she was the love of my life and we would live happily ever after, but it turned out that sadly the fairytale wasn't real.

 

Things gradually got worse, and I now realise that she had been emotionally checked out for some time leading up to it officially being over. 2 weeks after the official end, I found out she was already seeing someone else and had been for a while. When questioned about the new guy, I was told it was 'casual' and nothing serious, like the 2 years we had meant nothing.

 

Thinking about it now, there were many occasions that raised suspicions of me being wronged and my trust and kindness being taken advantage of. (Please note this is not an advert for me being a perfect partner. I have more faults than perfections believe me.)

I took a stand and after my initial heartbreak meltdown after finding out "how could you?" Etc etc, I completely ignored her messages and calls.

 

It's been over 2 months now, and she still messages with what appears to be her trying to find a way back; 'I love you. 'I can't give up on us. And so on.

 

Obviously, in an ideal world, I would click my fingers and things would go back to how they were when they were happy. I miss her every day and still love her with every ounce of my body.

 

However, I feel I can never go back as in my eyes she will always be a lair, and someone who abused my judgement, and a person I could never trust again.

 

Somehow, much to my annoyance, I feel guilty and harsh for ignoring her, wondering if I'm making her suffer or hurting her when many people tell me it's just what she deserves, as what she made me feel really was awful and has taken me a long time to make small progress.

 

Have I done the right thing? Should I continue to just ignore and take this as a lesson and carry on towards moving on without her?

 

Sorry for the essay but I just think this is the right place for good answers. 
 

Much love. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Anon1992 said:

2 weeks after the official end, I found out she was already seeing someone else and had been for a while. 

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup about? How old is she?

If you feel she cheated or "overlapped" at the end, just delete and block her permanently.

  There's no point tolerating someone you can't trust or who runs around looking for greener grass at your expense.

[Anon1996]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup about? How old is she?

If you feel she cheated or "overlapped" at the end, just delete and block her permanently.

  There's no point tolerating someone you can't trust or who runs around looking for greener grass at your expense.

Thanks for your reply. She is 24, I’m 30. She just seemed to drift away and nothing I could do would reengage her. She no longer looked at me the same, she wouldn’t want to spend time, she would prioritise seeing her friends over me, she would go out more and seem to be purposefully vague on what she was up to. 
 

I trusted her fully so let it go but I think now that I was just very stupid. Crazy how people can change. 
 

Only now after being ignored is she now confessing her undying love for me, despite as you said, thinking the grass was greener and pushing me aside. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Anon1992 said:

hen questioned about the new guy, I was told it was 'casual' and nothing serious,

Here you mention a new guy.  Was she cheating on you with him?

[Anon1996]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Here you mention a new guy.  Was she cheating on you with him?

Well, not that I can prove. Or perhaps I am just scared of actually knowing the truth. But I suspect so. 
Cheating would definitely explain some of her suspicious behaviour and the ability to move on to someone else so quickly. 

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, Anon1992 said:

Well, not that I can prove

Well don't you think it would be wise to find out the truth from her before you throw away a relationship?

[d0nnivain]

You have to do what is right for YOU, not her.   You now view her as liar & a cheat.  Things will never go back to when times were good.  

You are not being cruel by ignoring her.  You are setting strong boundaries to protect yourself.   That is a good thing. 

Block her # so you no longer see the messages & then you won't have to be upset when she pesters you.  

[Anon1996]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well don't you think it would be wise to find out the truth from her before you throw away a relationship?

Yes, that would be ideal. But who’s to say she would tell me the truth? 
I also feel that moving on from a ‘serious’ relationship in the space of 1-2 weeks is just as disrespectful and hurtful as cheating? 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Anon1992 said:

Yes, that would be ideal. But who’s to say she would tell me the truth? 
I also feel that moving on from a ‘serious’ relationship in the space of 1-2 weeks is just as disrespectful and hurtful as cheating? 

I agree. Why did she tell you she wanted to break up with you?

 

[glows]

Reconciliations can work but it doesn’t sound like she respects your need for space or the fact that you don’t want to respond or speak to her. You also don’t respect her anymore as a person. 

question: Are you replying at all to these messages? Why would she continue to keep messaging?

It sounds like one delusional monologue coming from her unless you are replying to her sporadically or some of her messages and she thinks there’s hope. Normally people don’t keep messaging if the first few have no response. 

The reason I ask is because it’s important to create boundaries and be firm about them. Not say one thing and then reply sometimes to her saying you also still have feelings. Know what I mean? Stick to your decision and don’t let this keep dragging out. If she continues then delete the contact and block her number. Do not stay in touch or creep on each others’ social media. 

[Anon1996]

Just now, stillafool said:

I agree. Why did she tell you she wanted to break up with you?

 

She couldn’t give me ‘what I needed’ 

she was ‘at a point in her life where she needs to prioritise other things and focus on career’

and that it ‘just wasn’t working’ 

which, in fairness, it wasn’t working, but I really did try and was made to feel like a hinderance. She had been distant and seemed to check out quite a while before she ended it.

 

[stillafool]

Just now, Anon1992 said:

She couldn’t give me ‘what I needed’ 

she was ‘at a point in her life where she needs to prioritise other things and focus on career’

and that it ‘just wasn’t working’ 

which, in fairness, it wasn’t working, but I really did try and was made to feel like a hinderance. She had been distant and seemed to check out quite a while before she ended it.

 

Since she's the one who broke up with you saying the above, block her and let her go.

[Anon1996]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Reconciliations can work but it doesn’t sound like she respects your need for space or the fact that you don’t want to respond or speak to her. You also don’t respect her anymore as a person. 

question: Are you replying at all to these messages? Why would she continue to keep messaging?

It sounds like one delusional monologue coming from her unless you are replying to her sporadically or some of her messages and she thinks there’s hope. Normally people don’t keep messaging if the first few have no response. 

The reason I ask is because it’s important to create boundaries and be firm about them. Not say one thing and then reply sometimes to her saying you also still have feelings. Know what I mean? Stick to your decision and don’t let this keep dragging out. If she continues then delete the contact and block her number. Do not stay in touch or creep on each others’ social media. 

Thank you for great advice and for your time. 
 

No I haven’t even opened the messages, there’s 62 unread. Nor have I ever answered one of her calls. 

[Anon1996]

Just now, stillafool said:

Since she's the one who broke up with you saying the above, block her and let her go.

Thank you 🙏 

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like she may have had GIGs but not realized what she had with you & wants it back.  That doesn't matter.  You are not going to be able to get past the hurt to reconcile.  Put her in your rear view mirror & move on

[glows]

1 minute ago, Anon1992 said:

Thank you for great advice and for your time. 
 

No I haven’t even opened the messages, there’s 62 unread. Nor have I ever answered one of her calls. 

That’s good. So why let the 62 soon to be 102 unread continue to bother you? Block her so the rest doesn’t even come through. You appear to have strong self restraint as the majority of people will reflexively open and read them or can’t help themselves. Put yourself out of your misery though and block.

[Anon1996]

1 minute ago, glows said:

That’s good. So why let the 62 soon to be 102 unread continue to bother you? Block her so the rest doesn’t even come through. You appear to have strong self restraint as the majority of people will reflexively open and read them or can’t help themselves. Put yourself out of your misery though and block.

Thank you 🙏 

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, Anon1992 said:

 

No I haven’t even opened the messages, there’s 62 unread. Nor have I ever answered one of her calls. 

Why haven't you already blocked her if you know you can no longer trust her and don't want her back?

[Anon1996]

I have no idea … 

I do want her back. I just know there is no way back because I can’t trust her. 

[Anon1996]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why haven't you already blocked her if you know you can no longer trust her and don't want her back?

I have no idea … 

I do want her back. I just know there is no way back because I can’t trust her. 

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, Anon1992 said:

I have no idea … 

I do want her back. I just know there is no way back because I can’t trust her. 

Then you are just prolonging your pain by not blocking her you're holding on.  Let her go and free yourself so you can get over her and heal.

[Lotsgoingon]

Her continued messaging of you is also a red flag--in addition to her other behavior. As someone else said, she's not respecting you. A woman more kind or more in touch with you with say, "I'll give you space." And a good woman here would feel YOUR pain, not just push for what she wants.

You give in and "go back" to her now and the lesson she learns is: one, I can cheat--whatever happened there. Two, all I have to do is barrage the guy with texts and regrets and he'll take me back. I have card blanche to act as selfishly as I want. 

Wanna talk about incentive to not change? That formula is it. 

The other point is that if you go back, she acts up again, you're going to be stuck. Why? Because you won't want to admit that going back was a stupid and disastrous mistake. So to avoid that feeling, you'll make excuses for her continued bad behavior. All the while you'll be seething inside. 

Your guilt is less moral and more your (and I don't like this language) your attachment style. You're getting anxious. Well this is your pushover side. Where someone can treat you like dirt, betray, dump you without warning and still you want to maintain attachment. Feeling guilty? For what? She's an adult and if you don't think she can survive your breakup, then you don't respect her. This is warped, childhood trauma thinking on your part. Everyone survives breakups. 

You're a guy and so one thing I've noticed is that if you don't grieve the relationship the loss, you're in trouble and in danger of going back to her.

One, I'm not hearing the justified anger here. Why aren't you furious? Anger has a productive role in our lives and that role is to establish a strong "no" and a strong backbone. It gives us strength. You've been betrayed, you sense, so get in touch with your anger! Two, get in touch with the sadness of losing her. She wasn't all bad. You are disappointed. It's best to let her go but there is the loss, so you grieve that loss and let that grief go and move on with your life. As in dude, you need to cry or come as close to crying as possible. I knew I was dead with one of my exes when she started crying as she was breaking up with me. I was confused at the time, but then it became clear. She wasn't coming back. She liked a lot about me and she was facing the reality that she was going to lose the stuff she liked, so she cried. That crying was part of her backbone. It signaled finality.

I sense you're coldly stuck in your head. And if you're stuck there, then yeah, you're vulnerable to going back to her because you aren't feeling anything. And trust me: her previous behavior will continue and continue, and you'll likely put up with it ....

[Anon1996]

15 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Her continued messaging of you is also a red flag--in addition to her other behavior. As someone else said, she's not respecting you. A woman more kind or more in touch with you with say, "I'll give you space." And a good woman here would feel YOUR pain, not just push for what she wants.

You give in and "go back" to her now and the lesson she learns is: one, I can cheat--whatever happened there. Two, all I have to do is barrage the guy with texts and regrets and he'll take me back. I have card blanche to act as selfishly as I want. 

Wanna talk about incentive to not change? That formula is it. 

The other point is that if you go back, she acts up again, you're going to be stuck. Why? Because you won't want to admit that going back was a stupid and disastrous mistake. So to avoid that feeling, you'll make excuses for her continued bad behavior. All the while you'll be seething inside. 

Your guilt is less moral and more your (and I don't like this language) your attachment style. You're getting anxious. Well this is your pushover side. Where someone can treat you like dirt, betray, dump you without warning and still you want to maintain attachment. Feeling guilty? For what? She's an adult and if you don't think she can survive your breakup, then you don't respect her. This is warped, childhood trauma thinking on your part. Everyone survives breakups. 

You're a guy and so one thing I've noticed is that if you don't grieve the relationship the loss, you're in trouble and in danger of going back to her.

One, I'm not hearing the justified anger here. Why aren't you furious? Anger has a productive role in our lives and that role is to establish a strong "no" and a strong backbone. It gives us strength. You've been betrayed, you sense, so get in touch with your anger! Two, get in touch with the sadness of losing her. She wasn't all bad. You are disappointed. It's best to let her go but there is the loss, so you grieve that loss and let that grief go and move on with your life. As in dude, you need to cry or come as close to crying as possible. I knew I was dead with one of my exes when she started crying as she was breaking up with me. I was confused at the time, but then it became clear. She wasn't coming back. She liked a lot about me and she was facing the reality that she was going to lose the stuff she liked, so she cried. That crying was part of her backbone. It signaled finality.

I sense you're coldly stuck in your head. And if you're stuck there, then yeah, you're vulnerable to going back to her because you aren't feeling anything. And trust me: her previous behavior will continue and continue, and you'll likely put up with it ....

That might just be the best bit of advice anyone has ever given me 👊 

[Lotsgoingon]

Until you get in touch with your anger and your sadness and let them strengthen you, here's something that has worked for me when my emotions told me to stay with someone who was not good for me.

Ironically you want to start off coldly clinical and logical. Imagine you are compiling a list of problems with the relationship. Things you don't like about her and about the relationship you had. You may find yourself stuck at first, but just start listing things, even if it feels fake and mechanical. You almost want to bre prosecutor and your job is to argue the flaws of the relationships and to focus on the unhappy parts.

Most likely you will find that you weren't all that happy even before the ending, even before the betrayal you sensed. This is the time to remind yourself of all the negatives of being with her. Don't edit. You do this and you'll be shocked that your critical brain, stiff at first, will come alive and there will be point after point. As you do this, there's a good chance, you'll feel your emotions coming around--an inner voice saying "yeah, that's right. Omg, she really wasn't good for me."

This can take a couple of days and as time goes on you'll have more things to add to the list. Ideally speak them out loud. Don't just quietly say them. Speak them out loud ... writing these problems out is also excellent. Given the way she's acting now, and the betrayal, I GUARANTEE you that there are lot of annoying, maybe thoughtless, even cruel things she did that you have blocked out. Let them come back to you.

 

 

[ShyViolet]

The relationship is over and it needs to STAY over.  You know that.  She is trying to manipulate you and play with your emotions by continuing to message you.  It's best that you just block her and put an end to this once and for all.  It's not "cruel", it's just doing what you need to do and moving on with your life.  You do not have to let people cause drama in your life and play with your emotions.