How to not take it personal?

[WorldTraveler]

So since my last casual dating saga ended I've really been trying to take minute and reflect on what went wrong while looking for the positive's and lessons I've learned. But I will be honest it's been hard to not go down those rabbit holes of "what if" thinking. Long story short after jumping through hoop after hoop and initiating countless romantic and thoughtful dates I was told at the three month mark by this woman that she felt "more like friends". Regardless of her feeling this way, she still wanted to pursue a relationship and see if "we could move past this". I ended up giving it one more month because I was already emotionally exhausted, but part of me was willing to give it a little more. This woman has been working through some emotional trauma which I believe was contributing to the challenges I was faced with but I still chose to be patient and give her the benefit of the doubt. However, after four months she still was denying any sexual advances of mine, wasn't comfortable with sleep overs and really wasn't putting in any kind of effort to try and get us out of this platonic vibe. Things felt very one sided and I was left feeling like I was the one shouldering the responsibility of trying to inject romance. This has been my first serious relationship/connection in about two years so I do know that starting out, I was a little rusty and unfortunately would overthink a lot of things. To the point where she'd notice and would tell me that she just wants me to be myself. But I guess I'm just wondering how to refrain from taking incompatibility personally. There were a lot of factors that caused me to break it off and I feel like she was stringing me along after a certain point. So I truly don't know if it was something I did, or maybe her lack of emotional availability that caused this. But lately it's been so easy to think things like "well if I would have just done/said x,y, or z." "Maybe if I was more direct with what I wanted things would be different". I really try to avoid wasting time and energy by getting into that headspace and excluding all the things that I did right. But all I want is to learn from this one even though I acknowledge I won't have all the answers. 

[Versacehottie]

I think you already have the answer in your question...don't take it personally. I wouldn't let one person's opinion or even her reaction toward you define who you ARE or what your prospects are in the dating world. Her reasons are even hard to pinpoint, ie they could have nothing to do with you. She is just one "experience" or person in many that you will have so don't give her the power of saying who you are as a dateable guy. In fact, you may just be deducing what this failed romance means rather than what it really means.  So yeah just DON'T take it personally and go out there and get more "experiences", meet more people who will appreciate you as you are. One person doesn't speak for the entire universe of women of what it's like to date you. Keep going.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to beat yourself up over it. You did the right thing cutting your losses. 

Eventually you have to get yourself out of the friendzone. Every dynamic is different and in this case she just didn't warm up. So walking away was the best option.

[WorldTraveler]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to beat yourself up over it. You did the right thing cutting your losses. 

Eventually you have to get yourself out of the friendzone. Every dynamic is different and in this case she just didn't warm up. So walking away was the best option.

Thanks I'm doing my best! I remember how I was warned about her by a friend of mine that dated her a year and a half ago who told me that she pulled the same exact things with him. And then on top of that, she told me on our first date how after she broke up with her toxic ex in January - the one that inflicted all of her emotional trauma - that she briefly dated a few guys after but then would push them away and ended up "unintentionally" leading them on. So I think with this kind of information, I like to think that it's more of a her thing rather than something I've done. 

[basil67]

To help you remember to not take this personally, I'm sure you've known women who have done absolutely nothing wrong with who you just didn't feel a romantic vibe with.  It happens to all of us.

And in this case, the woman you described has absolutely no business dating anyone till she sorts herself out and I think you should have walked away after about three weeks of her keeping you at arms length.  Make sure you only invest your time and effort in those who match your actions

Edited October 7, 2023 by basil67

[Alvi]

4 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

And then on top of that, she told me on our first date how after she broke up with her toxic ex in January - the one that inflicted all of her emotional trauma - that she briefly dated a few guys after but then would push them away and ended up "unintentionally" leading them on. So I think with this kind of information, I like to think that it's more of a her thing rather than something I've done. 

There should not been a second date. She sounds like a hot mess to be honest. She was very truthful with, didn't lie or hide things. But you decided to see her again and start a relationship with someone who is not in a right place emotionally.  When someone tells you something, Believe Them. How did you figure that the outcome would be different for her this time around? Different guy, same her, lol. If a guy told me this on our first date, I would wish him well and that would pretty much be it.  

Seriously, you cannot always avoid a heartbreak and there are zero guarantees that any relationships are going to work out at the end. But some hurt can be avoided if you choose the right person to date. You should be very picky about whom you date and have a list of what you are looking for in a partner. Don't  settle for anything less and don't think that you can magically change anybody. Look for red flags and again, choose wisely. 

6 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

I really try to avoid wasting time and energy by getting into that headspace and excluding all the things that I did right.

There is nothing you could have done. Except...deciding not to date someone who practically screams that she is not ready to enter a relationship.

[WorldTraveler]

4 hours ago, Alvi said:

There should not been a second date. She sounds like a hot mess to be honest. She was very truthful with, didn't lie or hide things. But you decided to see her again and start a relationship with someone who is not in a right place emotionally.  When someone tells you something, Believe Them. How did you figure that the outcome would be different for her this time around? Different guy, same her, lol. If a guy told me this on our first date, I would wish him well and that would pretty much be it.  

Seriously, you cannot always avoid a heartbreak and there are zero guarantees that any relationships are going to work out at the end. But some hurt can be avoided if you choose the right person to date. You should be very picky about whom you date and have a list of what you are looking for in a partner. Don't  settle for anything less and don't think that you can magically change anybody. Look for red flags and again, choose wisely. 

There is nothing you could have done. Except...deciding not to date someone who practically screams that she is not ready to enter a relationship.

Well yeah after she told me that on the first date she followed it up by saying how "now I'm in a much better place mentally and ready to find my person and settle down. I'm not trying to play games or waste anyone's time". So either this was a lie or she truly felt like she was in a good place but then after dating me for a few months discovered that she isn't quite where she thought she was in terms of emotional availability. Either way I'll never know and it doesn't change the end result so I try not to dwell. 

[Alvi]

10 hours ago, WorldTraveler said:

Well yeah after she told me that on the first date she followed it up by saying how "now I'm in a much better place mentally and ready to find my person and settle down. I'm not trying to play games or waste anyone's time". So either this was a lie or she truly felt like she was in a good place but then after dating me for a few months discovered that she isn't quite where she thought she was in terms of emotional availability. Either way I'll never know and it doesn't change the end result so I try not to dwell. 

She wasn't emotionally available and it was pretty much evident from the get go. But anyway, not every relationship is going to work out long term regardless of what you do. It's a fact. People can change their mind about wanting to date someone at any given time. So, try to see it as an experience, learn a lesson or two out of it and go on.