thr1986 Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 My fiance and I (I'm 37yo man, shes 32 yo woman) have been together since 2021. We just got engaged earlier this year. Everything was dreamy perfect for a while, through our engagement. And honestly everything still is pretty perfect but there's been a lot of bickering lately, just over everything. She was very blatently dishonest several times in the beginning of our relationship but it was never anythig serious enough to break up over or really anything important at all. Just dishonest over weird things that left me wondering why she would like over it and what else she could be lying about ya know? Everyone i'd ask about it said calm down you're making a big deal over nothing let it go its nothing. So I kind of said ok fine what ever. She lied about like where she was or where she was staying but not to cover anything up but to make her look cooler or look better than she was. This is verified. So just let it go thinking she was embarrased and wanted to look better, whatever. We have been bickering a lot lately just over everything. life is hard and we both are pressured at work and yeah it make sense it would be easier to bicker. There's just something that I can't put my finger on, that makes me not trust her and wonder if shes cheating or if she has cheated. A while ago, shortly after we got together, I was at her place and noticed a condom wrapper in the trash bin by her bed, way at the bottom like it had been there for a while. I jokingly pointed it out and she got very nervous and said it had been there for a long time. I had just happened to remember that she had prevously mentioned that she had not had anyone at her place for 2 years before her and I were even together, this was just somehting she had told me (unrelated) in the past and I happened to recall it. So i asked her if it had in fact been there for 3 years and she said no no that was acutaly there because she had "used it on herself with a dildo". yes I know it sounds stupid but i mean what the hell can I do? She wont admit otherwise and its been over a year now since this happened and I occasionally bring it up and she still says the same story. promises on her life. So whatever, I let it go. Fastforward to present day. Occasionally there will be weird things. For example, a friend of hers owns a massage studio which is in a hotel here in NYC. She gets free massages there. There was recently a time where she had booked a free massage there and I honestly just felt suspicious so I askd her not to go and that I'd get us massages somewhere else together. She literally would not part ways with this silly low quality free massage come hell or high water. She just had to go no questions. IT was bizarre. Obviously i'm wondering why, it coudlnt be over the cheap free massage. It had to be something else. Was she seeing someone in the hotel? Is the massage therapist and her doing somehting? I mean idk. But it seemed like there had to be more to it than just the massage because its cheap and its easily replacable by the 5 star massage that I was offering to book for the two of us. I called her out on this and she said it was just the fact that I was telling her that she coudlnt go that she didnt like. idk... still something seems weird... There are just things that seem off. I have her location on her phone so I theoretially can always see where she is and generally shes always available. idk how or when or why she would cheat. But something makes me think she is cheating or that she has cheated, but mostly that she is.... Am i crazy? so many people i know woudl tell me im paranoid and to stop ruining a good relationship, because otherwise yes its a good relationehip. We love each other and its so speckial in so many ways. But theres just this weird gut feeling that shes cheating and she does seem to me like shes the type that she could rationalize it and just act to herself like it doestn matter. yes i think she could do that. she can lie to herself very well. Should I stop thinking this? should I try to catch her? if so, how? I have broached the topic with her and she reassures me and promises me she would never cheat and bla bla bla. What do i do? we are engaged to be married and I wanna get some sort of resolution to this in my head before I can feel comfortable marrying her. I have a lot more to lose in the marraige than she does. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 13 minutes ago, thr1986 said: . I have her location on her phone so I theoretially can always see where she is and generally shes always available. I have a lot more to lose in the marraige than she does. Are you living together? Unfortunately you seem obsessed with tracking her every move and questioning everything about her. It seems like you may be starting the "she's cheating" thing again to avoid the marriage. You have zero proof of cheating except a condom wrapper in a hoarders apt and going for massages believing she's seeing someone in the hotel, etc. Sadly it seems like torture to be this suspicious and paranoid all the time. Please focus on your sobriety and support groups and therapy. Don't get married if you have "too much to lose" . Is this the same woman?: Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 10, 2023 Author Share Posted October 10, 2023 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you living together? Unfortunately you seem obsessed with tracking her every move and questioning everything about her. It seems like you may be starting the "she's cheating" thing again to avoid the marriage. You have zero proof of cheating except a condom wrapper in a hoarders apt and going for massages believing she's seeing someone in the hotel, etc. Sadly it seems like torture to be this suspicious and paranoid all the time. Please focus on your sobriety and support groups and therapy. Don't get married if you have "too much to lose" . Is this the same woman?: yes, this is the same woman. thanks for the advice. All is well otherwise though thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 10, 2023 Author Share Posted October 10, 2023 I appreciate your advice I really do. I mean i'm not sure how to use it though. I don't have too much to lose, i'm saying i dont want to marry someone who i could have caught before hand. thats relatable right? I'm looking for help here. Thanks though Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 You're tracking her location, so you know where she is all the time. You are also trying to control her, by telling her she can't go to the massage. Nobody likes to be controlled!! If you keep this behaviour up she's likely to walk. I don't see how she could cheat given that you are tracking her!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 1 hour ago, thr1986 said: For example, a friend of hers owns a massage studio which is in a hotel here in NYC. She gets free massages there. There was recently a time where she had booked a free massage there and I honestly just felt suspicious so I askd her not to go and that I'd get us massages somewhere else together. She literally would not part ways with this silly low quality free massage come hell or high water. She just had to go no questions. IT was bizarre. Obviously i'm wondering why, it coudlnt be over the cheap free massage. It had to be something else. Was she seeing someone in the hotel? Is the massage therapist and her doing somehting? I mean idk. But it seemed like there had to be more to it than just the massage because its cheap and its easily replacable by the 5 star massage that I was offering to book for the two of us. I called her out on this and she said it was just the fact that I was telling her that she coudlnt go that she didnt like. idk... still something seems weird... The bolded is exactly the reason - but you're not listening to her! Her refusal to negotiate is EXACTLY because you said she couldn't go. She made boundary which she will not allow you to cross. She is not a child and you are not her father. You have no right to tell her what she can and cannot do. Regarding fighting all the time, it's not because you're both busy and stressed. The reason you're both fighting because the relationship has unresolved issues. What are the two of you fighting about all the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 10, 2023 Author Share Posted October 10, 2023 You're right. I'm overwhelming and over the top. I'm all set no more needed. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted October 10, 2023 Author Share Posted October 10, 2023 now i just feel stupid and regretful for not trusting her. its more nuanced than this. I think i may have just come to the wrong place for someone to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 1 hour ago, thr1986 said: now i just feel stupid and regretful for not trusting her. its more nuanced than this. I think i may have just come to the wrong place for someone to talk to. Perhaps you need professional help? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 2 hours ago, thr1986 said: I have a lot more to lose in the marraige than she does. Like what? Just curious. Why not get a prenup and discuss your affairs in private with a lawyer if you’re worried about losing anything? Are you both ready for marriage? It sounds like nothing has changed since 1.5 years ago in early 2022. Is this a normal thing to track each other? I have never used this in a relationship - as soon as there is suspicion you use your common sense and get out and end it. Don’t track someone you’re supposed to trust and spend your life before you’ve even started that life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 I don't know if she is cheating or not, but my gut instinct is saying you should not marry her. You have to be able to trust her or it isn't worth the risk. Couples therapy might help resolve this in your mind one way or the other. Hold off on setting a date and be open about your concerns and what you need to work on together before you take the next step. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 You two are so not ready to get married. That will be a dumpster fire and won't last. You are over-the-top controlling. If you are that suspicious of her that you feel you need to track her whereabouts, dude, dump her. There is no way in hell a relationship can survive like this. She will eventually get tired of your behaviour and leave. Your previous thread indicates that this relationship is incredibly dysfunctional. This thread is an extension of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 This is a total mess. I'm not going to put blame on one person or the other. Your trust issues--whether they are founded or unfounded--are not going to make a successful relationship out of this. It's too much. You need some help... I don't know if you are the dysfunction in these relationships or choose toxic/dysfunctional people. I think a combo of both from your history. But yeah if you don't trust her and are tracking her to get your answers...which just causes you to spin out even more. total dumpster fire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 14 hours ago, thr1986 said: now i just feel stupid and regretful for not trusting her. its more nuanced than this. I think i may have just come to the wrong place for someone to talk to. Why? Because people point out what’s obvious about a relationship in trouble? Because people point out that if it’s not a trusting relationship then don’t marry her? why would you want to marry someone you don’t trust? Think about it - you asked for input and people answered based on what you typed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 you can stop asking us at this place but it won't change the fact that you have very little trust demonstrated in this relationship and your previous one. Lots of drama as well. The fact that it was a consistent theme in your previous relationship and now in this one as well, has me believing that a portion of it is the way you view things not necessarily the reality of what is going on. Or you can accept the alternative in that you pick crazy, dishonest chicks...The truth is probably somewhere in the middle of those two things. The people here are neutral--we are just responding based on what you say and present as "facts". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted October 16, 2023 Share Posted October 16, 2023 (edited) [] This looks suspicious to me. You are not overreacting. The condom itself is a lie. Be in no rush to marry her, if at all. Something else may be going on with the free massage, and I wonder if it is free. She either loves the massage so much, she won't change, or is up to something. Check Yelp and reviews for this place. She needs to offer a legit reason for not doing what you ask. She is under no obligation either way, but a nicer, loving choice is to change massages. Why does she need one? Can you do it? Edited October 17, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Argumentative Link to post Share on other sites
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