Betterfuture2025 Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 To stay or to go AdviceRant I 34F and 31M are married with issues. This might be a bit long, bear with me. I 34F am married to 31M. We’ve been together for 5 years total, three of which are married. This is my second marriage. My first ended due to my ex being physically abusive and cheating. I stayed single for about 4 years and met my current husband on a call (we were both cops) We started dating and I felt comfortable and happy with him. We had fun together and it was refreshing to be with someone who seemed to have all my best interests at heart. I ended up pregnant after one year of dating due to birth control falling through somehow and immediately felt the pressure from my religious parents to get married. He proposed to me, I did accept (although I had previously had no intention of getting married a second time so soon) and we had a courthouse wedding. Fast forward to now and it’s been one heck of a roller coaster marriage. Some of the issues we have encountered are: Him breaking my bounderies such as porn usage, looking up females online, messaging his ex in a too friendly manner, talking s*** about me to friends and family instead of us working out our issues on our own… to name a few. My bounderies have been laid out since before we became official, he agreed to not break them and I felt safe enough to be with him. He consistently will go out with his friends drinking at bars until the early morning. I don’t have a huge issue with this, however he will make promises such as “I’ll be home at 8 to watch out show and cuddle, don’t worry I won’t be out late.” This has happened multiple times and each time he would say “I lost track of time, I don’t look at my phone”. There has never been an apology. He will make comments every other week such as “we aren’t meant for each other, we are good as friends only and co-parents” every time we disagree… and then give me 4-5 days of silent treatment and then randomly be loving and kind and tell me he loves me and only me, and that he wants to be with me forever. It really messes with my head. He refuses to communicate. Literally. He can talk for hours about football or the lakers or Pokémon but when I want to discuss his mean comments or his inability to keep his word he will shut down or get up and walk away. I have explained so many times how hurtful this is to me, yet he continues. I will be crying on the bed because I’m so hurt and he will straight up ignore me yet he cries when a cat dies?! He says he is incapable of emotion due to a Molly overdose at age 12. He says he doesn’t feel anything when he sees me suffering due to his brain being jacked up. I am seeing a therapist for my own mental health which has suffered due to this whole ordeal. I gues just looking for clarity or even criticism. I believe in marriage, I want things to work, I don’t want another divorce but I question if I am able to hold on or if it’s worth it to even hold on. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 43 minutes ago, Betterfuture2025 said: I am seeing a therapist for my own mental health which has suffered due to this whole ordeal. Sorry this is happening. How old is your child? Are you both still working? Is he seeing other women? Sadly he seems completely checked out of the marriage. Does he have drinking problems? It's good you are seeing a therapist. Please discuss the abuse and drinking and staying out all night drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterfuture2025 Posted October 10, 2023 Author Share Posted October 10, 2023 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. How old is your child? Are you both still working? Is he seeing other women? Sadly he seems completely checked out of the marriage. Does he have drinking problems? It's good you are seeing a therapist. Please discuss the abuse and drinking and staying out all night drinking. Our child is 3. We both work, he’s a police officer, I am a counselor. I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else, I could always be wrong lol. He does drink quite a bit on the weekends but is making an attempt to stop. He has said that he has no self control when he is out and about with friends and doesn’t think that he needs to limit himself. It’s like I have to parent him and that’s not the role I desire to fill. Thank you for your response and observations! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 10, 2023 Share Posted October 10, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Betterfuture2025 said: I believe in marriage, I want things to work, I don’t want another divorce I absolutely understand why you do not want another divorce. It must be very difficult for you to even think about settling another divorce and starting over again… That said, I would rather be single than married to a man who lacks empathy, disrespects/belittles me, and has a problem with alcohol/inappropriate boundaries with other women. Your marriage, while not without conflict, is supposed to be a place of peace for you. There is no peace in this relationship for you, and that would wear me down… What does your counsellor say? Edited October 10, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 11, 2023 Share Posted October 11, 2023 18 hours ago, Betterfuture2025 said: He will make comments every other week such as “we aren’t meant for each other, we are good as friends only and co-parents” every time we disagree… and then give me 4-5 days of silent treatment and then randomly be loving and kind and tell me he loves me and only me, and that he wants to be with me forever. It really messes with my head. He refuses to communicate. Literally. He can talk for hours about football or the lakers or Pokémon but when I want to discuss his mean comments or his inability to keep his word he will shut down or get up and walk away. I have explained so many times how hurtful this is to me, yet he continues. I will be crying on the bed because I’m so hurt and he will straight up ignore me yet he cries when a cat dies?! It's clear he feels he made a mistake in marrying you and I'm sure you feel the same way. His lack of empathy for you has nothing to do with "Molly" and is just an excuse he uses. It isn't going to get better for you until you leave and divorce. He just doesn't care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 11, 2023 Share Posted October 11, 2023 I'm not going to advise you on a direction one way or the other but it does sound like he, like you, is conflicted and feels one way about your marriage and then another. It messes with your head, but he may just be honestly stating how he feels at a given time. My suggestion would be don't try to disallow porn use and IF other issues can be reasonably addressed, be sure there is some intimacy between you on a regular basis. (Porn is not really a good substitute for that, it's "nutrition" vs "a great dinner".) Men can get extremely unhappy when their needs in this department aren't able to be fulfilled, and can certainly start to resent their partner among other things. Inappropriately chatting up other women/old flames would be a different matter. Overall I don't think he's ready to divorce. However, whether you are is I guess an open question. IF you want to try to salvage things, couples therapy might be a good idea to focus on pinning down some of these difficult issues and (possibly) finding solutions. It's worth noting that it sounds like some mental health issues might be at play here and possibly a therapist could get an idea of what those might be and suggest ways to alleviate them somewhat. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) How is a person who is in their 30s allowing their parents to pressure them to marry a person that they didn't want to?? On 10/11/2023 at 6:34 AM, Betterfuture2025 said: Him breaking my bounderies such as porn usage, looking up females online, messaging his ex in a too friendly manner, talking s*** about me to friends and family instead of us working out our issues on our own… to name a few. My bounderies have been laid out since before we became official, he agreed to not break them and I felt safe enough to be with him. I think you have some incorrect ideas of what boundaries are. Please take a read through https://www.cnbc.com/2023/07/12/how-to-spot-the-difference-between-boundaries-and-control.html . A boundary is about your own actions, not someone else’s. An appropriate boundary: "Mom, I am not going to get married just because you want me to get married." Not an appropriate boundary: "You are not allowed to masturbate to porn." I think it would benefit you tremendously to talk to a therapist about boundaries, what they mean, and how to set healthy boundaries. In the process, yes, you may eventually discover that you should leave this person, if he consistently disrespects you and flirts with other people. However, you should not be dictating someone else's masturbation - if it's affecting your sex life negatively, then that should be addressed, but you really have no right to decide unilaterally what a fellow adult is or isn't allowed to do when they're by themselves. Edited October 12, 2023 by Els 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 On 10/10/2023 at 5:27 PM, Betterfuture2025 said: It’s like I have to parent him and that’s not the role I desire to fill. Please reconsider the relationship. This is exactly what happens when you are with a problem drinker. In the meantime please seek out support for yourself: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/ Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 Counselor, heal thyself. I think your picker is off. I agree with @Wiseman2 It's time for you to attend an Al-Anon meeting to better understand why he will always chose booze over you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 When HE crosses your boundary - there is usually an action that you would take. don’t expect decency from him - he proven over and over he isn’t going to be decent. So what action are YOU planning to take that keeps you happy, healthy and safe? this is up to you, not him. consequences will help you find a better place! Don’t be so set to stay married to someone who isn’t treating you right. Link to post Share on other sites
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