I CAN'T GET HER OUT of MY HEAD!

[Lgunn]

We (me 22 she 21) passed more than two years and a half together. We were extremely close to each other due to our serious relationship. Everything was going so well we were kinda living together because our houses are in the same hood. We almost share everything together like none of us would take a step without the other being a part of it. I truly can't describe how close and happy we were in our harmonious relationship. Until our last month together.

Problems started to increase and m not gonna lie. I was the problem. I was going through the most difficult period in my life. I failed college. I couldn't find a job. My future started to get blurry in my eyes. I felt empty for a while blaming myself for every mistake that i did keeping her out of the circle just because m ashamed of the person i became. Although she was supportive and she tried not to let me feel that way. But i couldn't get over the sorrow that was eaten me.

I prefered to pass the most of the time alone or going out with the guys trying to do anything that keeps me busy instead of calling her even when we talk there was no passion from me even though she was trying all the time. Until that one night where we had a fierce discussion on fb telling me that she had enough with that situation. I was full of anger and i didn't know what to say. Just some ranfom words that makes me feel right about myself not about her.

Since that msg she didn't respond with anyword. I waited for a day, two days, a week, two weeks!!! We've never passed a single day for the whole 2 years and a half without talking. I couldn't bear that situation anymore so i called her with no clue about what goes on her mind. I heared her voice for the first time after two weeks. And i couldn't recognise her I was like talking to a stranger. Maybe even more than a stranger i could feel the anger in her voice.

My intentions was to find a solution to our problem cuz two weeks were enough for both of us to calm down. I have never thought about any probability of us being apart. I barely managed to meet her for half an hour. I can tell from her eyes that something is not the same. She was barely talking to me then she said "i came here just to tell you that i can't do this anymore and we need to break up". That was the moment when i felt like falling apart. My heart got shattered immediately. I was breathing hardly keeping myself straight to talk to her and make her understand that she is only mad and she needs a time to think. But she kept rejecting me.

I tried all sorts of things to change her mind but she carried on hurting me with her words. Then i reached a point where i can't talk anymore and i can't discuss the situation while my tears are about to fall and I felt like someone is choking me. I gsthered myself a little bit and said " if that what you want I can't say nothing else. If we parted right now i want u to know that u wont hear about me again " then i shaked her hand and said goodbye!Today it's whole year after that miserable meet. It feels like it happened the previous month.

The first 2 or 3 days were like hell. I can't eat, sleep or even breath normally. The 2 or 3 months later I started to get used on thinking about her and every word we said that day. I avoid checking on her since that time. I even deleted the 1000+ photos and videos and every detail that can rekindle the painful spark in my heart. But nothing works. Now after 1 year of trying all the ways to forget. I found myself with zero progress. Thinking about her and memorising all the moments we lived became my daily routine. I even tried to connect with some girls but I ended up ghosting them after a 3 or 4 weeks from dating. I take responsibility of my faults. That's why i'm living with my trauma withoumt saying nothing. But i'm a human after all!! Humans make mistakes even prophets has made mistakes. But i don't deserve this much of torture i was good to her i was responsible, carrying, kind, looking after her, finding my happiness in making her happy, she find me beside her everytime she needs me. I was enjoying being her go to person. Is this what i deserve after all of that ? Because of a month of problems and missunderstanding and i say it again that i take responsibilities of my actions. But i don't deserve this much of trauma and pain. It even affects my body my mental health my whole life.

Thank god my professional life has changed 180°. It would have been more significant to me if she was with me. Because i used to tell her about my successes and everything that makes me happy, to make her proud of me. Infact it turned out that not my achievements that makes me feel happy. It's making her proud of me makes me feel happier. Truly i don't know how can i fix myself after this. I'm shattered. This is the first time in a whole year that I speak with such a details. Cuz I don't want to express my sadness and my weakness to someone who is just gonna say to me "don't worry" or "forget about her". My trauma is real!!! Everything could have been changed if we found a solution we could have been happy right now like we used to be but why!!!!!! What should I do !!!!!!

Edited October 10, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Lotsgoingon]

You simply cannot withdraw as you did when you were going through hard times. That destroys relationships. You can't isolate and shut someone out and expect them to be there when you suddenly feel better.

It's a no brainer that she would want to break up with you. You gotta learn the skill or habit of sharing what you're going through. But you can only do that if you overcome your own deep shame about going through a hard time.

You need to address the shame you felt. Until you do, any woman who is reasonably confident will not want to date you. 

It is OK to go through a hard time. Everyone hits a hard time--and I mean seriously hard time--at some point. Everyone! But if you are in relationship you cannot just shut down and shut the other person out. That's where your focus should  be. 

 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Lgunn said:

 She was barely talking to me then she said "i came here just to tell you that i can't do this anymore and we need to break up". 

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating? How long ago did you break up? . Are you still talking to each other or has she blocked you? 

It's good you got your life more organized with a job. Continue to focus on your friends, family, profession and other interests. 

[basil67]

You're framing this breakup as a quick decision on her part because she was mad.  Thing is though, people don't just fail college out of nowhere.  Generally speaking, the fail comes after missed/late assignments, failed tests and possibly absences.  So whatever was going on during your years of failing the subject would also have been contributing to her drifting away.   What was happening in your life that you were unable to get yourself together?    Likewise, unless you're in a country which has very high unemployment, work is always there if you're not too fussy about what you do.  Pack shelves, wait tables, work in retail, warehouse work. 

Meanwhile, you were totally neglecting her while she was trying to support you.   And then as the final nail in the coffin, you argued with her reasons for ending the relationship.   This was way more than her being mad.  It actually came after what sounds like many months of you making no effort in college or with her. 

1 hour ago, Lgunn said:

Everything could have been changed if we found a solution we could have been happy right now like we used to be but why!!!!!! What should I do !!!!!!

She was trying to find a solution while you were blocking her out and neglecting her for your mates.  You really need to start being accountable for all your actions in this, starting from way before you failed college.  When you take full accountability and can look at this without putting any blame on her, you will start to heal

[BreakOnThrough]

She owes you nothing, get that out of your head.  Work on yourself and improve.  You gave up. didn't try, and then wanted her to stick around.  That's life, she left, stop putting energy into thoughts of her and back on to yourself.  If she still wanted to be around, she would be.  The fact that she isn't should be enough for you to move on.

[d0nnivain]

You say it's been one year since the break up.  The fact that you can't get her out of your head is an issue after all this time. 

You say your professional life is 100% improved.  Good for you.  That is excellent after you failed out of college.  College isn't for everyone so it's good that you found your path.  Learn to celebrate your success & be proud of yourself.   You have to move forward for you, not her.  

Whatever you did to fix your professional life, that same strategy will work with your personal life.  You have to 1st accept that her decision to end the relationship was the right one for her at the time.  If you had an angry, self-destructive partner who seemed to be going no where, who blamed everything on you & refused to spend time with you no matter how loving you were, why would you stick around?  You have to accept that the break up was a consequence of your (in)actions.  Once you accept your role in the demise of your relationship, you can begin to let go so that you can open yourself up to a new relationship, where hopefully you will have learned the lessons from this one.    When you were a good BF, you were a good BF.  So take that with you.  

When you think about her now, acknowledge the thought, but then say in your head "It's time to fully let go.  I have to let go so that I can move forward & find the right person for me."   Do that or something like it, every time she comes in your head.  

 

Good luck