Feelings of not being good enough

[Newtodating1963]

Hi, I've recently been dating a lovely lady, we've been on a date and I spent time with her at her home, we are kissing and cuddling, but I'm having feelings of not being good enough, low self esteem, She has a lovely home and family life and my own home situation isn't as good. I know it's early days, and she has said to take our time, and not rush... I'm just wondering how to overcome these feelings, is it something I should talk to my date about for example? I don't want to put her off etc...

Edited October 11, 2023 by Newtodating1963

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Newtodating1963 said:

 we've been on a date and I spent time with her at her home., She has a lovely home and family life and my own home situation isn't as good.

How long have you been dating? Has it only been a couple of dates? How did you meet? How old is she? 

What do you mean by "your home situation isn't good"? Do you have your own place?  Eventually she would have to visit you and see how you live so perhaps you could talk to her about it? 

[Newtodating1963]

Hiya, thanks for the reply, we've been dating a couple of weeks, we met online, started chatting and then met for a lunch date, we both agreed we liked each other and wanted to carry on seeing each other, she then went on holiday for a week and we kept texting everyday etc. Then we had a really nice afternoon/evening together and it was lovely, we did kiss and cuddle through that time. I'm 60 and she is 62. She owns her own home, has a lovely family around her, I rent my home in a not so nice part of town, and don't have the experience of a family as I don't have children. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Newtodating1963 said:

 I'm 60 and she is 62. She owns her own home, has a lovely family around her, I rent my home in a not so nice part of town. 

Do you feel there is too much of a socioeconomic discrepancy?  Are either of you widowed or divorced? Do you both work? Does she have adult children? Are they living at home? 

It's only been a couple of dates and a couple of weeks and she seems to like you. Have you been honest with her about your finances and living situation? Or are you afraid she won't be accepting of it when she finds out? 

[Newtodating1963]

Hiya, yeah we seem to be getting on fine, we're both bereaved, I lost my wife 9 months ago, so it's quite recent and she lost her husband 9 years ago, like me she had been in a very long term relationship before they passed away. I'm self employed and work most of the week and she is semi retired. She has two adult children and one grandchild, not living at home... We've not talked about my finances and living situation, and yes I'm a bit afraid to talk about it as she might just think what a loser for example... but she said to be honest and maybe that's the best route to take? I do have low self esteem issues generally so maybe the dating is bringing some of those feelings to the surface...

Edited October 11, 2023 by Newtodating1963

[introverted1]

 

1 hour ago, Newtodating1963 said:

 I'm having feelings of not being good enough, low self esteem, She has a lovely home and family life and my own home situation isn't as good. I know it's early days, and she has said to take our time, and not rush... I'm just wondering how to overcome these feelings, is it something I should talk to my date about for example? 

 

Is your low self-esteem solely about where you live?  Do you have your own place?  What do you mean when you say your "home situation isn't as good"?

In general, issues of low self-esteem are a 'you' problem and not something the other person can solve.  Rather than expecting someone you've just met to help you overcome your feelings, a better course of action would be to take steps to improve your life so that you are comfortable in your own skin.  

[smackie9]

At this time in your lives, just enjoy each other's company. Life is too short to worry about money and all that crap. 

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

At this time in your lives, just enjoy each other's company. Life is too short to worry about money and all that crap. 

I agree.  At 60 this woman is probably looking more for love and affection than someone with major financial assets.

[Gaeta]

At her age she is looking for a man that will treat her right, that will cherish her and love her. She doesn't need a man to offer her material things or be a show off.

She picked you because she felt a connection, because you have qualities she is looking for. 

You do NOT bring this up to her. Your insecurities are yours to deal with. Your value as a human being goes beyond in what neighborhood you live. 

[Newtodating1963]

Thank you so much for your guidance, that has put my mind at rest, feeling a lot more positive now... 🥰x

[glows]

It would be a turn off hearing someone feel sorry for their self in a dating situation. Enjoy the time together and work on your personal/financial situation if you’re not happy. Don’t do it for someone else just because the other person has a house and family. 

It’s possible not having children has been a regret? Is this a sore point for you? Seeing her with her kids and grandkids might stir up some wistfulness. You can face that head on and look at your life objectively - what have you accomplished? You’re self employed and own your own business. Talk with a financial advisor or reassess your own finances if you’re unsure you’re handling anything as you should. I think this is a great opportunity to rethink how you’ve been doing things and reevaluate your personal or financial situation. Don’t get insecure about it. Just reevaluate objectively and move on knowing you’re doing your best. That’s the key. And find contentment and joy too knowing you’re doing your best. 

[Newtodating1963]

Thank you, that is really helpful, I guess being new to dating as I was married for 34 years, you get full of of doubts about yourself, does this person like me, how does she feel etc. I'm generally in a good place and I am doing my best like you say, but thank you for your encouragement... 😊

[Alvi]

I am sure this woman that you are dating has some doubts and insecurities about herself as well. We all do. Maybe you can try to talk to her how you feel and see what she says. Don't go into the details about your finances or a living situation but you can give her a general idea. You don't want to became too attached to someone only to find out later on that he or she views some things as a dealbreaker. But I would say, relax and enjoy. Take is slowly, one date at a time and get to know each other better organically. 

[Herkamer63]

It's not that you're not good enough. Otherwise, you wouldn't be kissing each other and meeting her family. Rather, I think (and I could totally be wrong because I don't know you) it's something from your past. Typically, it was an experience with another woman(s) that made you feel less. In today's world, as single men, it's tough because we are expected to give women EVERYTHING, at that's what the f*m*nist movement has us believing. It's tropes, like this, that make us feel as if we need to do much more, even when when it's highly unlikely we'll achieve it. Most people don't ever make a 6 figure income in their lives nor having those highly athletic toned bodies, despite their best efforts. Most people can't control certain things like height or facial appearance because that's how their own genes work. But a lot of this is pitted on men because we live under a rule where if we do or say something wrong, according to an ideology's standards, we get demonized and casted out of someone. Even if it was minor and very easily forgivable mistake, we get hammered.

I was a victim of this: I'm 37 now, but this story takes place when I was 21 (can't believe it's been that long already). There was a woman I had known since we were in middle school. She hadn't dated the guy that she was with for over a year, and this man was someone we both knew and actually friends with. When I reconnected with her, it was when Facebook was starting to gain traction and I had first created my account. I thought to myself I'd like to take her out, and at the time, I was a noobie at dating, but since we were friends to some degree, I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. She said to stay in touch, which I did. I asked her out 3 times, but not back to back, and only once she went. We had a good time, and the one thing I did, as a thank you was I bought her a small teddy bear and a card and brought it over to where she lived. The reason why I did it was because after we went out, she had put down on her FB page that she was no longer single but in a relationship AFTER our night out. I thought that she actually really liked me. Then the next day or two, she said we should stop talking to each other, just out of nowhere. I was confused and distraught because I thought things were going well. The other mistake I made was I went over to her place so we can, in my mind, sort things out. She wasn't home but rather her sister with her kids. She said the woman wasn't home and she was just watching her kids, almost implying that I was going to do something when I wasn't. I said my goodbye to her and left, then I get this message from this woman saying that I shouldn't have gone over, then threatened me with a restraining order.

I was very upset because I thought to myself "what did I do wrong" and "was it me." I contacted her ex-bf and I explained the situation to him. He said this woman ran with a bad crowd right before they broke up, and she ended up cheating on him by sleeping with another man at a party. Later on, before I came into the picture, there was another man we all knew, who's one of the nicest, down to earth guys you'd ever meet, who got the same treatment I did from this woman. So it made me wonder how many guys she actually had done this to. I also found out she had been going through bfs like clockwork, so there's that as well. The only thing the ex said I did wrong was go over to the house, but he knew that I wasn't going to do anything bad to that woman and that everything else I did was not wrong at all. It was her and her selfishness. Where it made me feel a little better knowing I wasn't really the one at fault, this incident had haunted me for years and even made me a little reluctant to go the extra mile with future women. To make matters more awkward, I guy I never met before in my life messaged me and demanded to know what happened. It was one the woman's "friends" and I explained the situation to him and said I'm done with her. Then he told me to never talk to her again. Found out he wasn't a bf or really a friend, but one her followers. I recently, in the last year or 2, learned of the term "simp", and they way he talked, that's what he was. Throughout my 20s and my early 30s, I struggled to even find anyone. At one point I gained a lot of weight as a result (ending up around 330 pounds) after that incident with the woman because I thought I wasn't good enough, while, at the same time, was looking.

In the past 4 years, however, all that weight is gone (thank the Lord) after I decided to get rid of it, and had been on a couple of dates with women. Still, the idea of not being good enough is there, but it isn't as powerful as what it was before. I got turned down only once in my 20s while the rest of the women either lied to me, lied about me, mocked me, or flaked on me. Though they weren't necessarily good things, those women, at least, didn't do what that one woman did, which had left almost a permanent scar on me, all because she wasn't interested but wanted to make an example of me by what she can do. I believe had she called the police, even though nothing probably would not have seriously happened, I don't think I would have recovered from it because of the court of public opinion. Back then, she was popular, so I didn't know how far it spread. In recent years, though, I'll see her every now and then. We don't say one word to each other. Not even a smile or a wave. I won't say I was perfect during that time, but I know it was nothing that would have attributed to a criminal. It makes me wonder, to this day, if she feels sorry for what she did whenever she spots me. It's hard to say, though, because anytime I do see her she's with a new guy, so I'm not assuming anything. I forgive her because I have moved on, but I can still the pain of not being good enough.

My point in this story is there's things in our past that can have a major effect on our future. Right now, there's a woman I have been doing things with and have been holding myself back from asking her out. I'm not only friends with her, but her sister, her brother-in-law, met and have a good interaction with her parents and the rest of the family whenever I see them, so it's tough. You meet someone you like, connect with, care about, and you want to take it to the next level, but the past is so loud and convincing, pointing out what made you weak. Where you didn't do anything wrong, or even had a troubled past, though, that doesn't mean you're that person today. It's just having to break those mental barriers that you're not the problem, and haven't been ever or not in a long time. The way that the f*m*nist movement has been in the past 100 years, it always wants to remind you because of x, y, and z that you did, you're, for some reason, unworthy of a woman's love and respect, even though you have improved. So I feel you on this. It sounds like this woman you're with is awesome, and it sounds like things are going great. The only thing I will say is she must like you for you. The woman in my story didn't, or otherwise she wouldn't had made that threat. You need to remind yourself of who you are today, your accomplishments, and what your future plans are. Women do like a man who is driven. IMO, if she thought you weren't worthy, she wouldn't be doing the stuff with that she has been. I try to remind myself of that too with the woman I like, so you're not alone in this, and there's MANY other men who feel the same way you do. So good luck, brother!

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you do NOT share this with her, especially at this time. She is not your mother or your big sister or your therapist. And she doesn't want to date someone who feels sorry for himself, who feels insecure. 

You do want to share these feelings with some friends and a good therapist.

You have to get clear inside yourself about your own value---when you are dating someone who has more wealth than you do. You're not alone--lots of men suffer insecurities around more wealthy women. What these folks are missing is that lots of women want other things from a partner than wealth. She can take of herself--this woman. So is likely looking for someone she connects with, feels comfortable with, who she trusts, who she enjoys spending time with.

Your task: get totally clear within yourself that you are a prize and an asset to whoever would spend time with you.  You need to focus your own gifts and strengths. This woman likely knows your financial situation---that's not all that hard to figure out if you listen carefully and read people's profiles carefully. She's focused on other things. At the same time you want to get into your head that her wealth doesn't make her a catch.

Owning a home doesn't mean she's interesting or smart or good looking or a good partner or funny or a good storyteller or someone easy to spend the day with. Now that's what you have to get into your head and into your heart.

No, you do not want her feeling sorry for you--you sharing your insecurities would be a romance killer. But you have to deal with these insecurities asap because those insecurities will pop up and undermine this relationship.