My husband's friend's wife hates me

[Betty8]

Can anyone please help me out? I met who I felt was the love of my life two years ago. I’m only doubting it now because of this situation. His friends wife, whose house his friends congregate in, hates me. She makes a show of looking like she’s being polite but when we are alone, she either walks away, blanks me or is worse.  
 

Most recently when it became obvious I had an issue and so was not going to their house any more , a year ago, she has apologised to my partner. I guess she didn’t scare me off yet, and it’s obvious I don’t go to their house for this reason.  He asked her to apologise to me, and he said please come as I think she will apologise as I’ve asked her, so I agreed to go to her husbands birthday. I actually got quite upset there as I could just tell this wasn’t going to go that way, I was cross and actually suppressing my anger so much, and not wanting to ruin her husbands birthday as even if he feels the same about me he’ll only ever been polite.  She said a really fake over the top hello, some stuff about not knowing what to say to me, I looked glamorous etc and didn’t know if I liked them. I’ve always only been friendly but was wary after she invited me to a meal with them all, and the women didn’t utter a word to me, well one did when I said it was nice to see you again, she said I don’t recall meeting you the first time and left! Later that night at her husbands party she lay on my partner and said are you ok, it’s painful being left out isn’t it? Me and my partner just sat there with our mouths open. I’ve never seen her since, over a year. I don’t want to ever again. 

Lately she keeps saying to him she wishes I came to the house as I’m special to him so she wants to make an effort for him… my partner is trying to convince me to go round there again. I don’t want to. I’d meet her and her husband for a meal, on neutral ground, but despite saying they wanted to at first, they’ve never organised or let me partner organise it either.

Im feeling she may soon get her wish, to one day have him or remain queen bee or have him with one of her friends …? Who knows what she wants, I think she’s a bit unstable and not sure she knows. My problem is I can’t believe my partner is letting all this slide. I’m reconsidering my future with him and her in the sidelines meddling forever, and if that’s letting her win then so be it.  Mostly I just wanted my boyfriend to stand up for me, but despite distancing over the last year on his own terms, he’s getting close to them again. I suppose I just feel like he’s never really supported me is the truth. Am I wrong? 
 

Any advice? 

Edited October 12, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title

[mark clemson]

If you truly despise this particular friend's wife (it sounds like you do) your husband can find other friends to socialize with OR keep him as a friend but minimize time and focus on other friends, so you don't have to deal with her. Impress upon him that, while he's free to have friends, you strongly prefer that he minimize time with this one.

Friends do naturally "come and go" and it's not inherently wrong to deliberately tweak that process a bit when circumstances call for it.

[glows]

This sounds like it’s more about your marriage and your husband - you not feeling like he’s “ever supported” you. That’s a major major negative statement and awful feeling to have. Are you able to explain more on that and how you feel?

This woman is like a leaky faucet, a total nuisance and annoying drip drip noise in the background. It’s your husband and you and the dynamic that is really the problem from what I’m reading.

Did you know of this group of friends prior to marriage? In what other ways do you not feel supported?

[glows]

I read this at first as you’re married but see you may be common law. Just wanted to clarify and revise the above. The issues remain the same regardless legally married or living together. Do you live together? What is it like?

[Betty8]

Thank you. I feel supported in every way but this, sorry if it came across any other way. Common law yes 

 

No I didn’t know them, a few from a different group, more like me I suppose. 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Denise8

[Betty8]

Mark, he’s seen much less of them at his own decision for a whole year. He’s now seemed to have forgotten it all and wants me to… I don’t know if that makes me wrong but I can’t. She’s shown me who she is and I don’t let people like that in my life. I’m afraid he’s round there at least once a week. He won’t listen to me, I think his male friends have missed him in that group and indicated I’ve been keeping him away. He doesn’t want to cause a scene so says nothing. I’m finding that hard to respect honestly but to each their own I guess. I know why he’s like this… background etc 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Denise8

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I’m afraid he’s round there at least once a week. He won’t listen to me, I think his male friends have missed him in that group and indicated I’ve been keeping him away.

Why can't he invite the guys to come over to your place so he doesn't have to go over there?  His friendship with this guy must be important to him if he can't throw it away.

[Betty8]

Yes I think it is but mostly as his family isn’t very supportive and they seem to have some sort of home for the waifs and strays. I think they supported him and provided him with a base when he was very low . He’s known this guy for ten years.  I also think his friend likes to be the organ grinder, he don’t go out to anyone else’s…. And if he does he seems to just complain and invite everyone back to his. We have a quiet home or plan to when we live together soon. They have quite a party house but I do want him to have his friends over when we live together soon. Just not her, if so I and my daughter will have to make ourselves scarce. My daughter is Very protective of me this has caused our only rows my partner and I . I think I may trigger women and am thinking this through but I’ve never had this happen to me before honestly, just noticed the alpha doesn’t warm to me. Eventually it comes good. 
mum quite independent I don’t fit nicely in a group as a follower I suppose. All my friends are like me… we are never b****y always just focussed on living our best lives. If we feel insecure we build ourselves up don’t try to bully someone to feel better about ourselves. We see each other occasionally I’m sort of more focussed on mr family and partner these days, to be partying non stop and having my daughter around that. Just different I guess 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Denise8

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I’m sort of more focussed on mr family and partner these days, to be partying non stop and having my daughter around that. Just different I guess 

Sure I understand that.  I'm not saying your guy has to have them over weekly, but since he obviously misses his guy friends, maybe he could have them over to watch a football game  once a month or so.  I wasn't aware you guys didn't live together.  If this is the case why don't you want him to see his friends?  Do you see him every night now?  Does he have his own place?  Personally, I would put this woman so far out of my mind I wouldn't care if he went over there or not because he's a grown man.  However, wild horses couldn't drag me back over there no matter what.

[Betty8]

Honestly it’s because he wanted to see his buddy’s who incidentally I quiet like, and it was her birthday, I felt a bit betrayed (at the time I really was so upset I considered it the end but he’s talked me round). A lot. He tried to make me go and I point blank refused. She did her usual, where is Emma etc I’d love to reconnect… shame she didn’t do that for the first two years! It’s too late now. 

I personally wouldn’t have a friend who  treated my love like that, never mind go to their birthday. 
 

Good advice thank you x 

 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Denise8

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

 We have a quiet home or plan to when we live together soon. . My daughter is Very protective of me this has caused our only rows my partner.

How long have you been together? How old is he? Do you both have children from previous relationships? How old is your daughter and will she be living with you if you move in together? 

How is your relationship overall? Do you both work? You mentioned these friends helped him out in the past because his family is not supportive? Were they supporting him? You mentioned "they take in strays"? Does he feel beholden to them?

All you can do is keep your distance. You don't have to be friends with this couple, all you need to do is tolerate your BFs friendship with them. Do you get along with your BFs other friends and family? Does he get along with your friends and family? 

If you fear your BF will have them over all the time if you live together,you may have to reconsider that especially if your daughter lives with you.

The issue is your BF, not his friend's wife. 

 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Betty8]

Yes you’re right. He wants to keep everyone happy. Never been able to trust. Maybe this behaviour of lacking loyalty has not helped. I don’t know. 

Its not the couple, the guy has only ever been polite even if he feels the same. We can’t help chemistry, it’s attempted bullying I draw the line at. 

Ive been part of many groups in my life, of whom I’m still loosely in touch with, I just don’t live that life anymore. So I suppose to me their home and parties aren’t the focal point that it is to many who’ve only lived locally. So I don’t really mind not going I don’t feel I’m missing anything at all. I’ve partied like the best of them, lived in London, travelled, I’m just a home body who chooses a few good parties a year and is otherwise in to health, nature, fitness , the arts , travel and the people I love. Booze and late nights lost their appeal. My partner doesn’t drink. 
 

Both late 40’s, both work. 

I know I love him very much indeed. I have a 15 year old daughter. We have discussed this and he won’t have her over, but I can imagine she’ll just arrive one day … might be wrong.  He has a daughter from another relationship but he doesn’t see her very much, due to never completing court, and the ex being bitter basically. 
 

Our relationship is excellent otherwise. We had a brief thing with a family member of his, similar issue, a woman trying to put me down when I repeated something innocently they denied it.  Women can be v funny! I had it once in my first job, and I swore I’d never be a bitter woman but get better if I felt like that.  Again he took the middle road but also I could see he was saying it not believing it if that makes sense. Otherwise, all is well. Truly. He’s a sweetie, and this is our main problem. 

Thank you all ❤️😩

Edited October 11, 2023 by Denise8

[Betty8]

And yes I have considered is it me, I’m intelligent and attractive, and maybe a bit mouthy when I have a wine, but honestly I don’t think it’s on me. I think some women do this to feel better, and so sometimes it works? Just sadly not with me. Seen it before don’t respect it, I treat everyone with respect and expect the same from those close to me or I set a boundary if they can’t x I’m also very feminine and soft (well spoken by default as my mother was bullied down here in the south for being so northern, so her school gave her elocution lessons back in the day) so I suppose from the outside look like an easy target not sure. 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Denise8

[stillafool]

It's hard to believe people that old (almost 50) would behave that way to a guest in their home.  I can see, being almost 50, you aren't into the party life anymore or wanting guys over all the time hollering over some game.  I thought you guys were 20s or 30s.

[Betty8]

I know right?  Might seem ancient to you but some people never change 🙄 never experienced it in my life either Ever x 

[MsJayne]

My guess is that this woman is jealous of you and has some sort of proprietary interest in your guy. Your partner has an obligation to have your back, and part of that is putting this awful woman in her place, and to do that he needs to refuse to go to their house. If it's big enough that you're looking for support here, it's big enough that you put your foot down and give him the ultimatum - be loyal or be gone. 

[Betty8]

I’ve obviously thought this way. However he won’t want to give up his friends and that’s where they go! So I’m trying to find a middle ground here or I will have to won’t I ? Seems shitty he’s so great otherwise x  he had spoken to her and asked her to apologise.. she didn’t but tried to look like she had. That’s a year ago. He was keeping his distance and so I felt supported. Don’t want him to lose his mates. 

To be honest I was fine till it was her birthday and he went.  Never mind try to make me go. Of course his friend was trying to get everybody there for his wife I know that. 
 

And yes I think she fancies my partner and yes a dominance thing. Maybe wanted him with one of her friends who apparently all tried. He’s the best looking .

 

if it comes to leaving I’ll be gutted and have wasted my best years. I do simply love him but don’t feel supported over this. In every other way I do. Not sure if it’s worth losing him over. 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Denise8

[Betty8]

Just a shame I can’t go and have fun too 😬 will be ok when and if we lived together. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

Just a shame I can’t go and have fun too 😬 will be ok when and if we lived together. 

I thought you didn't like partying and liked to be home.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

will be ok when and if we lived together. 

How long have you been together? When do you plan on moving in together?  Will your daughter be living with you if you move in together? 

Right now you have your privacy from these people. However your fear is your BFs bond with them is so strong that they will be dropping by?

There's nothing you can do about this woman's personality. Were these people friends with his ex?  What do you mean by "they take strays in" and have they ever housed your BF? 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm not getting the picture about your relationship.  Don't people need to live together to be considered common law spouses?  Since you do not live together, how do you generally conduct your relationship?  Do you spend many nights together weekly, do you go to his house or he comes to yours, etc?  I am asking these questions because I am curious about how much time you spend together vs. how much time he's hanging out at the party house without you being there too?

[Weezy1973]

How did you meet? Was it soon after his previous relationship ended? Is it possible they were all good friends with his ex and blame you for their break up?

[glows]

You said you were common law earlier in my a above but aren’t living together so aren’t common law. Why did you say you were? 

OP, it’s obvious they don’t like you but being defensive or having partner to make them apologize is some immature drama. He should have butt out and not have gotten involved. It’s causing a rift betw him and his friends and giving them more reason to dislike you because you need special treatment. They don’t respect you because someone else has to fight your battles for you and you’re angry and insulted by what they say. If you have something to say then just say it and if you want to say it so bad, being “mouthy” even with wine or alcohol, be prepared to burn some bridges and annoy people in the process as well. 

I also empathize with you because your partner doesn’t seem supportive to you yet he does seem on your side. Why make blanket statements about women in general or assume you annoy them? This negativity is just setting you up to make enemies assuming the worst out of others. You’re at risk of other seeing you as manipulative at worst or at best wanting your way or driving friends apart. 

I do think it’s between your partner and yourself to draw boundaries between how much time he spends at his friends’ houses and him agreeing with you and both coming to an agreement about your lifestyle - see if there are incompatibilities where you agree on spending your free time. With this amount of resentment and tension I can’t imagine his friends coming over to your house if you both live together, let alone being near your daughter.

[Betty8]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

I thought you didn't like partying and liked to be home.

I do like to go out sometimes as I said x 

[Betty8]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? When do you plan on moving in together?  Will your daughter be living with you if you move in together? 

Right now you have your privacy from these people. However your fear is your BFs bond with them is so strong that they will be dropping by?

There's nothing you can do about this woman's personality. Were these people friends with his ex?  What do you mean by "they take strays in" and have they ever housed your BF? 

Two and a half years. No problem with his other friends, just her being so unpleasant. 
His bond is with her husband, and he tolerates her. 
 

I think this woman’s best friend who’s also a but wierd with me, sometimeish abs competitive eg. I was saying what I was cooking for Xmas and she started banging in about being a chef and I couldn’t cook it alone and would need to get her number from my partner and call her to talk he through it 🤭

 

No never housed just the husband seems to have friends he helps. Plus I think he sells weed to many of them … wierd vibe

 

My daughter will stay with me and move with me if we all move together. Plan was on new year