My husband's friend's wife hates me

[Betty8]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Sometimes friends, especially overprotective ones, just want to make sure their friend is making the right decisions and not being taken advantage of. But her delivery could certainly be nicer.

In my case, while my ex's sisters were initially cold towards me, they did not cause me this much feeling of being hurt like you've experienced.

But if he's not taking your feelings into consideration and stands up for you if his friends are being unkind and if he's not then I can see why that would make you feel unsupported. He may love you but the way she's treating you suubconciously it'll rub of on him and he will start valuing you less and less. She doesn't respect your relationship and you do not respect your boyfriend's friend - which if the feeling is justified - then I don't know, maybe it is better that you end the relationship.

This is not going to get better. She is not going to stop. If it's been going on like this for this long, and at this point he knows about it, and plainly won't do anything about it, then it's time to leave.

I was excited to meet his friends, especially her, she is the one who kicked it off by inviting me to a meal and her and her friends blanking me. I’ve no idea what I’m supposed to have done, it’s wierd honestly. My partner asked and she just said she didn’t know what to say to me.  It shows such disrespect to her ‘friend’ I suspect she either fancies him, felt her top dog position was threatened as we are both quite attractive, or maybe trying to scare me off and trying to express loyalty to her three friends who each tried to be with him before? Honestly at this point I don’t care. I think we clarified my partners approach of it will all blow over isn’t working, she currently trying to say each time where is Emma I’d like to reconnect. However if that was true what about the first three years, and there’s all sorts of things like following through with the meal her husband initially suggested, getting my number, social media or adding me to her event Whattsap groups where im the only girlfriend excluded. I think she’s a controlling bully honestly, but I’m sure someone will say it’s my fault?  I repeat it’s never happened to me ever, I’m a girls girl. X 
 

[Wiseman2]

There's no need to be friends with his friends, especially if you feel they're catty. The solution is to delete and block these people and avoid them. 

[Betty8]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's no need to be friends with his friends, especially if you feel they're catty. The solution is to delete and block these people and avoid them. 

Agreed. All my partner says is please get on with them, I just want you all to get on. He fails to support me or see at all.  I think that’s quite selfish at this point and I wonder if I want to be with a man like that with friends like that. He’s calling me telling me he’s with me forever etc but honestly at this point I’m not if I am. 
If not I hope she’ll find him someone she can accept and control, that’s his best bet, I’m too intelligent and experienced and frankly secure and loyal to put up with this bullshit. 

[Betty8]

19 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I was excited to meet his friends, especially her, she is the one who kicked it off by inviting me to a meal and her and her friends blanking me. I’ve no idea what I’m supposed to have done, it’s wierd honestly. My partner asked and she just said she didn’t know what to say to me.  It shows such disrespect to her ‘friend’ I suspect she either fancies him, felt her top dog position was threatened as we are both quite attractive, or maybe trying to scare me off and trying to express loyalty to her three friends who each tried to be with him before? Honestly at this point I don’t care. I think we clarified my partners approach of it will all blow over isn’t working, she currently trying to say each time where is Emma I’d like to reconnect. However if that was true what about the first three years, and there’s all sorts of things like following through with the meal her husband initially suggested, getting my number, social media or adding me to her event Whattsap groups where im the only girlfriend excluded. I think she’s a controlling bully honestly, but I’m sure someone will say it’s my fault?  I repeat it’s never happened to me ever, I’m a girls girl. X 
 

I suggested a meal many times as did my partner, he himself said I think they hate you as they never agreed. Just say yh yh bring her over ours and let her sit with the boys …

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, Denise8 said:

Thing is it’s not petty to me to stand by while the host of the only house you socialise in bullies my partner. It’s not a small thing at all 

How did she bully you?  I'm not seeing it.  Plus you are a grown woman who can stand up to this woman on your own, can't you?  And, what do you mean by "blanking"?  What is that?

Edited October 13, 2023 by stillafool

[Betty8]

Just now, stillafool said:

How did she bully you?  I'm not seeing it.  Plus you are a grown woman who can stand up to this woman on your own, can't you?

Google ways women bully, then see what she’s done. That’s how. 

[Betty8]

2 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

Google ways women bully, then see what she’s done. That’s how. 

They aren’t my friends I feel he should stand up for me as I would with my friends, but I don’t have any friends who would do that. Too secure too happy winning in life. 
 

I don’t actually want to see them at all it’s him who wants this resolved.  I feel sorry for him he has such a vile wife of his old friend honestly. 
 

A few people have confided in me she was a bully at school or friends with bullies too , I forget now. 

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, Denise8 said:

I feel he should stand up for me as I would with my friends…

This attitude is basically out of the “How to Fail at Relationships 101” textbook. He’s not you. Nobody else is. You’re going to see the world differently with every partner you have. This is not a “him” problem. 

[Betty8]

Just now, Weezy1973 said:

This attitude is basically out of the “How to Fail at Relationships 101” textbook. He’s not you. Nobody else is. You’re going to see the world differently with every partner you have. This is not a “him” problem. 

Thank you for you input. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

Google ways women bully, then see what she’s done. That’s how. 

I know what bullying is, I don't need to google it.  I'm asking you to be specific in describing she bullied you, because I'm not seeing it from what you've described.  You just rattle on about her "blanking" you, etc., and I don't know what that is so please explain.

[Betty8]

Just now, stillafool said:

I know what bullying is, I don't need to google it.  I'm asking you to be specific in describing she bullied you, because I'm not seeing it from what you've described.  You just rattle on about her "blanking" you, etc., and I don't know what that is so please explain.

I can’t say any more than I have. It’s all there. Sorry you don’t think bullying is bullying. I don’t know what else to say honestly. Have a happy positive day 

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

They aren’t my friends I feel he should stand up for me as I would with my friends,

I think if it were his friend (a man), doing this to you (whatever "this" is), it would be on him to stand up for you, but since it is between you and a woman, put your big girl panties on and handle it.

[Betty8]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think if it were his friend (a man), doing this to you (whatever "this" is), it would be on him to stand up for you, but since it is between you and a woman, put your big girl panties on and handle it.

Oh I did and she denied it ever happened then took the piss out of me , so not much you can do with that but avoid. Thank you tho. 
 

Now she’s wanting me to go round her house. Again….. erm… let me think… no thank you.  Thing is I see her do similar to other girls there thinking she looks big and cool, I just don’t want to play victim. I tried to connect, now I’ve opted out x

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Denise8 said:

I was excited to meet his friends, especially her, she is the one who kicked it off by inviting me to a meal and her and her friends blanking me. I’ve no idea what I’m supposed to have done, it’s wierd honestly. My partner asked and she just said she didn’t know what to say to me.  It shows such disrespect to her ‘friend’ I suspect she either fancies him, felt her top dog position was threatened as we are both quite attractive, or maybe trying to scare me off and trying to express loyalty to her three friends who each tried to be with him before? Honestly at this point I don’t care. I think we clarified my partners approach of it will all blow over isn’t working, she currently trying to say each time where is Emma I’d like to reconnect. However if that was true what about the first three years, and there’s all sorts of things like following through with the meal her husband initially suggested, getting my number, social media or adding me to her event Whattsap groups where im the only girlfriend excluded. I think she’s a controlling bully honestly, but I’m sure someone will say it’s my fault?  I repeat it’s never happened to me ever, I’m a girls girl. X 

Well, we see your perception, and she may have her own perceptions, but let’s stick to objective. We do not know these people, meaning your interpretation could be biased by what you are used to. Far be it from our job to refute your perspective, although we will attempt to give you other potential interpretations simply because we do not know the full story.

As an example, you say one explanation may be that each friend vied for the same guy.

Here is another interpretation: you lighted up the life of her friend, who wasn’t so exciting before you came, and now you, by proxy, rekindle her husband’s, of course harmless, interest for her friend. As for the meal invitation, perhaps she realized that she was not comfortable with you and didn’t know how to express it in a polite way, so she chose to ignore you instead.

This doesn’t necessarily mean she has ill intentions or is trying to be controlling.

We should also consider the possibility that she is just not interested in getting to know you for various reasons and is not purposely trying to exclude you. Your partner seems to have a different approach to the situation, and that’s okay. Everyone has their own ways of handling conflicts, and as long as your partner is not undermining your feelings or dismissing your concerns, it’s important to respect their approach.

The bottom line is that we cannot definitively say what the motives or intentions of this woman are.

You both dislike the other, and that seems to be clouding both of your judgments. It has gotten to a point that you're taking steps now that may only increase the negativity, which is why at this point, consider avoiding further events/ get togethers for the time being until cool heads prevail. It may be the better solution than adding more fuel to this fire. If your boyfriend is wanted by every woman he meets, you need to understand that it will be an on-going issue, and avoiding people won't solve it. You need to develop a tougher skin, or else enjoys the fun while it lasts.

Anxiety, making yourself sick and "hated" is too high a price to pay. His friends are a part of his life. Obviously you are not going to click with everyone, but that doesn't mean your partner can't have a relationship or friendship, with said friends. That doesn't mean that you have to like his friends or that they have to like you.

As long as everyone is respectful and civil, there shouldn't be a problem. It doesn't sound like that is the case here so perhaps this simply isn't the right relationship for you.

[Betty8]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, we see your perception, and she may have her own perceptions, but let’s stick to objective. We do not know these people, meaning your interpretation could be biased by what you are used to. Far be it from our job to refute your perspective, although we will attempt to give you other potential interpretations simply because we do not know the full story.

As an example, you say one explanation may be that each friend vied for the same guy.

Here is another interpretation: you lighted up the life of her friend, who wasn’t so exciting before you came, and now you, by proxy, rekindle her husband’s, of course harmless, interest for her friend. As for the meal invitation, perhaps she realized that she was not comfortable with you and didn’t know how to express it in a polite way, so she chose to ignore you instead.

This doesn’t necessarily mean she has ill intentions or is trying to be controlling.

We should also consider the possibility that she is just not interested in getting to know you for various reasons and is not purposely trying to exclude you. Your partner seems to have a different approach to the situation, and that’s okay. Everyone has their own ways of handling conflicts, and as long as your partner is not undermining your feelings or dismissing your concerns, it’s important to respect their approach.

The bottom line is that we cannot definitively say what the motives or intentions of this woman are.

You both dislike the other, and that seems to be clouding both of your judgments. It has gotten to a point that you're taking steps now that may only increase the negativity, which is why at this point, consider avoiding further events/ get togethers for the time being until cool heads prevail. It may be the better solution than adding more fuel to this fire. If your boyfriend is wanted by every woman he meets, you need to understand that it will be an on-going issue, and avoiding people won't solve it. You need to develop a tougher skin, or else enjoys the fun while it lasts.

Anxiety, making yourself sick and "hated" is too high a price to pay. His friends are a part of his life. Obviously you are not going to click with everyone, but that doesn't mean your partner can't have a relationship or friendship, with said friends. That doesn't mean that you have to like his friends or that they have to like you.

As long as everyone is respectful and civil, there shouldn't be a problem. It doesn't sound like that is the case here so perhaps this simply isn't the right relationship for you.

Interesting thank you.  Not being interested in getting to know someone is one thing, having the hosting house and doing that to your husbands best friends partner after he was alone for four years is pretty selfish I think.  Each to their own, some may think it’s normal to treat others like that? Thankfully I don’t mix with anyone like that. Never have. 
 

I’ve never stopped my partner seeing his friends, he’s put off himself and does the minimum. No one likes negative company. 
 

I genuinely don’t dislike her, I think she’s a bit insecure and possibly mentally unwell.  I think I feel sorry for her to be honest, that doesn’t come from a happy place putting others down to feel better.  It’s a reflection of her own self image. 
 

Hes not wanted by every woman just her friends it seems. She tried to set them up and he wasn’t interested, I’ve noticed she seems quite interested herself too. It happens even in a marriage I suppose. Normally ideally not with your husbands best friend but that’s on her. Flicking touching hair etc when she speaks to him that kind of thing. I am attracted to alpha sexy men, I’m used to that and I don’t feel threatened by anyone.  I used to in my teens but realised as soon as I feel like that, the answer is building myself up certainly not trying to make others small. Just observed it. 
 

I personally put my relationship first and would reject any friend trying to f*** that up or treat them like s***. That’s my values 

[Betty8]

1 minute ago, Denise8 said:

Interesting thank you.  Not being interested in getting to know someone is one thing, having the hosting house and doing that to your husbands best friends partner after he was alone for four years is pretty selfish I think.  Each to their own, some may think it’s normal to treat others like that? Thankfully I don’t mix with anyone like that. Never have. 
 

I’ve never stopped my partner seeing his friends, he’s put off himself and does the minimum. No one likes negative company. 
 

I genuinely don’t dislike her, I think she’s a bit insecure and possibly mentally unwell.  I think I feel sorry for her to be honest, that doesn’t come from a happy place putting others down to feel better.  It’s a reflection of her own self image. 
 

Hes not wanted by every woman just her friends it seems. She tried to set them up and he wasn’t interested, I’ve noticed she seems quite interested herself too. It happens even in a marriage I suppose. Normally ideally not with your husbands best friend but that’s on her. Flicking touching hair etc when she speaks to him that kind of thing. I am attracted to alpha sexy men, I’m used to that and I don’t feel threatened by anyone.  I used to in my teens but realised as soon as I feel like that, the answer is building myself up certainly not trying to make others small. Just observed it. 
 

I personally put my relationship first and would reject any friend trying to f*** that up or treat them like s***. That’s my values 

I’m not a bully basically 

[NuevoYorko]

50 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I can’t say any more than I have. It’s all there. Sorry you don’t think bullying is bullying. I don’t know what else to say honestly. Have a happy positive day 

Why won't you give some examples of bullying?  Your refusal to do it is meaningful. 

Seriously,  @Denise8,  the things you have described are not considered bullying among the general population.  "Rude" would be an appropriate descriptor for "blanking" or making dismissive comments.  It's not bullying and you're hardly a victim here.  You're also minimizing actual bullying, when in fact you're feeling butthurt and want positive attention from these people. 

You think that people should make a fuss and cater to you.  Your perspective is that these people should be doing quite a bit to make sure your feelings are taken care of.  You've mentioned "making an effort" for their friend's new date.  Seriously - that is rarely how it works.  Yes, it can happen, but generally it's the new date of a close and long time friend (or family member) who generally has the burden of making the effort to be included in a tight knit group.  You're not willing to do it, and that's fine.  But it's not their job either.

It's significant that you continue to bring up your "attractiveness" throughout this thread.  You think that this woman is threatened by you because you are both similarly attractive and you might be taking her spot as "top dog."  Maybe you're right.  But, you may be projecting the way YOU view other attractive women within your sphere and how they are inherently a threat to your ego.  Maybe look at that.

The most interesting, and telling part of this whole scenario is that you care much more about the flattery you feel entitled to from this woman (or multiple ones) than your relationship with this guy you are messing around with. 

Quote

 

I personally put my relationship first and would reject any friend trying to f*** that up or treat them like s***. That’s my values 

 

That's not true.  According to this thread, you are totally ready to discard him over ridiculous and petty slights from somebody he sees for an hour a week, rather than letting that middle school cliquey stuff roll right off your back.   

[Betty8]

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why won't you give some examples of bullying?  Your refusal to do it is meaningful. 

Seriously,  @Denise8,  the things you have described are not considered bullying among the general population.  "Rude" would be an appropriate descriptor for "blanking" or making dismissive comments.  It's not bullying and you're hardly a victim here.  You're also minimizing actual bullying, when in fact you're feeling butthurt and want positive attention from these people. 

You think that people should make a fuss and cater to you.  Your perspective is that these people should be doing quite a bit to make sure your feelings are taken care of.  You've mentioned "making an effort" for their friend's new date.  Seriously - that is rarely how it works.  Yes, it can happen, but generally it's the new date of a close and long time friend (or family member) who generally has the burden of making the effort to be included in a tight knit group.  You're not willing to do it, and that's fine.  But it's not their job either.

It's significant that you continue to bring up your "attractiveness" throughout this thread.  You think that this woman is threatened by you because you are both similarly attractive and you might be taking her spot as "top dog."  Maybe you're right.  But, you may be projecting the way YOU view other attractive women within your sphere and how they are inherently a threat to your ego.  Maybe look at that.

The most interesting, and telling part of this whole scenario is that you care much more about the flattery you feel entitled to from this woman (or multiple ones) than your relationship with this guy you are messing around with. 

That's not true.  According to this thread, you are totally ready to discard him over ridiculous and petty slights from somebody he sees for an hour a week, rather than letting that middle school cliquey stuff roll right off your back.   

I had to relive it all last night, and I don’t want to again would you mind rereading my posts please? We can agree to disagree on bullying, but in the counselling world it’s considered bullying.

I was ready to leave but we spoke today and we are in a much better place. 

I simply go where I’m welcomed, not where I’m made to feel like I’m not welcome, I think that’s normal. In a public place I’d go but in someone’s house who’s been a bully I won’t go. My choice.  
 

Just trying to work out why someone would do that, attractiveness was one of many other ideas. I’m a girls girl. You sound pretty angry, are you ok? 
 

Everyone else but her best friend was v nice.  I’d rather never set eyes on either again but unfortunately one is married to a fairly decent bloke, my partner likes and actually so do I.  Even if he feels the same as his wife, he’s got style, manners and puts his friend first before his own ego. 

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Denise8 said:

I genuinely don’t dislike her, I think she’s a bit insecure and possibly mentally unwell.  I think I feel sorry for her to be honest, that doesn’t come from a happy place putting others down to feel better.  It’s a reflection of her own self image. 

You do not feel sorry for her, you're jealous of her.  If you felt sorry for her you'd let the things she does roll off your back.  That is what a girls girl would do, which doesn't seem to define you in the least.

 

15 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I had to relive it all last night, and I don’t want to again would you mind rereading my posts please?

You actually went over there again last night? OMG!

[Betty8]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You do not feel sorry for her, you're jealous of her.  If you felt sorry for her you'd let the things she does roll off your back.  That is what a girls girl would do, which doesn't seem to define you in the least.

 

You actually went over there again last night? OMG!

Are you always right about everything? I have nothing to be jealous of her about . Certainly not her anti social personality. It’s kind of a low iq thing, it reflects how you feel about yourself, how you treat others. 

No I had to relive all her animosity, typing it out. I don’t really no, I’ve never really mixed with mean girls before I’ll take you word for it. Sounds like you would know 😉

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8

[Betty8]

3 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

Are you always right about everything? I have nothing to be jealous of her about . Certainly not her anti social personality. It’s kind of a low iq thing, it reflects how you feel about yourself, how you treat others. 

No I had to relive all her animosity, typing it out. I don’t really no, I’ve never really mixed with mean girls before I’ll take you word for it. Sounds like you would know 😉

I prefer to stick with positive people honestly. Thank you for sharing but if you are aggressive again I won’t reply. 

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8

[NuevoYorko]

9 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

Are you always right about everything? I have nothing to be jealous of her about . Certainly not her anti social personality. It’s kind of a low iq thing, it reflects how you feel about yourself, how you treat others. 

But she has a houseful of friends who gather there to enjoy themselves regularly.   Seems like her social chops are well in order.  She doesn't like you, evidently.  From the way you interact with people here who are engaging with you about your issue, I am starting to get the picture of why this might be the case.  Or, perhaps she is just an a**.   It's immaterial, because the real issue here is that you are more concerned about winning favor and flattery from people than most other aspects of relationships.

Even the fact that you framed your relationship with the guy as "married" shows that you are more interested in creating an impression than what's really going on.

I have the impression that you are barely getting started dating this man.  Otherwise all of these bumps in the road about integrating with his friends would already either be behind you both, or else have broken you up by this time.

[Betty8]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

But she has a houseful of friends who gather there to enjoy themselves regularly.   Seems like her social chops are well in order.  She doesn't like you, evidently.  From the way you interact with people here who are engaging with you about your issue, I am starting to get the picture of why this might be the case.  Or, perhaps she is just an a**.   It's immaterial, because the real issue here is that you are more concerned about winning favor and flattery from people than most other aspects of relationships.

Even the fact that you framed your relationship with the guy as "married" shows that you are more interested in creating an impression than what's really going on.

I have the impression that you are barely getting started dating this man.  Otherwise all of these bumps in the road about integrating with his friends would already either be behind you both, or else have broken you up by this time.

That’s a lot of assumption.  Not everyone wants their family home full of people out of their minds. Not everyone wants loads of acquaintances and just close friends, not everyone is an extrovert. 
I’m not looking for anything I just like being in positive environments. I won’t say this again. Explained the above in previous comments, I don’t want to repeat myself it’s exhausting.
Thank you for your input 

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

But she has a houseful of friends who gather there to enjoy themselves regularly. 

Definitely nothing anti-social about that woman.  She has plenty of friends.

 

6 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I have the impression that you are barely getting started dating this man.

So do I and it's doubtful he's going to be around for long before he'll want someone who isn't so insecure, that they can't socialize with his friends.

[Betty8]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Definitely nothing anti-social about that woman.  She has plenty of friends.

 

So do I and it's doubtful he's going to be around for long before he'll want someone who isn't so insecure, that they can't socialize with his friends.

Sounds like you know her? Bullying is anti social. 

I’ve always socialised in large groups, and will continue to, never met a woman like her - So I don’t go to her house that’s all. 

Ok well we’ll see, maybe I’ll leave, who knows right now, have a positive evening 😊

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8