Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 30 minutes ago, glows said: You said you were common law earlier in my a above but aren’t living together so aren’t common law. Why did you say you were? OP, it’s obvious they don’t like you but being defensive or having partner to make them apologize is some immature drama. He should have butt out and not have gotten involved. It’s causing a rift betw him and his friends and giving them more reason to dislike you because you need special treatment. They don’t respect you because someone else has to fight your battles for you and you’re angry and insulted by what they say. If you have something to say then just say it and if you want to say it so bad, being “mouthy” even with wine or alcohol, be prepared to burn some bridges and annoy people in the process as well. I also empathize with you because your partner doesn’t seem supportive to you yet he does seem on your side. Why make blanket statements about women in general or assume you annoy them? This negativity is just setting you up to make enemies assuming the worst out of others. You’re at risk of other seeing you as manipulative at worst or at best wanting your way or driving friends apart. I do think it’s between your partner and yourself to draw boundaries between how much time he spends at his friends’ houses and him agreeing with you and both coming to an agreement about your lifestyle - see if there are incompatibilities where you agree on spending your free time. With this amount of resentment and tension I can’t imagine his friends coming over to your house if you both live together, let alone being near your daughter. To me we are life partners so that’s why. Everyone else is nice just her and her friend not. I’ve not got anything to say, I just go where I’m welcomed and feel comfortable. I just don’t want to deal with petty bullshit anymore. Hi friends are fine, it’s just her really. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 9 hours ago, MsJayne said: My guess is that this woman is jealous of you and has some sort of proprietary interest in your guy. Your partner has an obligation to have your back, and part of that is putting this awful woman in her place, and to do that he needs to refuse to go to their house. If it's big enough that you're looking for support here, it's big enough that you put your foot down and give him the ultimatum - be loyal or be gone. I agree. It’s where his friend go. I think I’m starting not to respect him for just letting this happen without standing up for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 12 hours ago, mark clemson said: If you truly despise this particular friend's wife (it sounds like you do) your husband can find other friends to socialize with OR keep him as a friend but minimize time and focus on other friends, so you don't have to deal with her. Impress upon him that, while he's free to have friends, you strongly prefer that he minimize time with this one. Friends do naturally "come and go" and it's not inherently wrong to deliberately tweak that process a bit when circumstances call for it. I think it’s as he refuses to do this and has suddenly dropped it all as if nothing is happening Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 12 hours ago, glows said: I read this at first as you’re married but see you may be common law. Just wanted to clarify and revise the above. The issues remain the same regardless legally married or living together. Do you live together? What is it like? No not yet. We plan to marry but I’m worried women can manipulate him and he doesn’t have my back. X Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: I'm not getting the picture about your relationship. Don't people need to live together to be considered common law spouses? Since you do not live together, how do you generally conduct your relationship? Do you spend many nights together weekly, do you go to his house or he comes to yours, etc? I am asking these questions because I am curious about how much time you spend together vs. how much time he's hanging out at the party house without you being there too? We see each other a lot, he was there every other night before we met, now it’s every week x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: How long have you been together? How old is he? Do you both have children from previous relationships? How old is your daughter and will she be living with you if you move in together? How is your relationship overall? Do you both work? You mentioned these friends helped him out in the past because his family is not supportive? Were they supporting him? You mentioned "they take in strays"? Does he feel beholden to them? All you can do is keep your distance. You don't have to be friends with this couple, all you need to do is tolerate your BFs friendship with them. Do you get along with your BFs other friends and family? Does he get along with your friends and family? If you fear your BF will have them over all the time if you live together,you may have to reconsider that especially if your daughter lives with you. The issue is your BF, not his friend's wife. Agreed x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 47 minutes ago, glows said: You said you were common law earlier in my a above but aren’t living together so aren’t common law. Why did you say you were? OP, it’s obvious they don’t like you but being defensive or having partner to make them apologize is some immature drama. He should have butt out and not have gotten involved. It’s causing a rift betw him and his friends and giving them more reason to dislike you because you need special treatment. They don’t respect you because someone else has to fight your battles for you and you’re angry and insulted by what they say. If you have something to say then just say it and if you want to say it so bad, being “mouthy” even with wine or alcohol, be prepared to burn some bridges and annoy people in the process as well. I also empathize with you because your partner doesn’t seem supportive to you yet he does seem on your side. Why make blanket statements about women in general or assume you annoy them? This negativity is just setting you up to make enemies assuming the worst out of others. You’re at risk of other seeing you as manipulative at worst or at best wanting your way or driving friends apart. I do think it’s between your partner and yourself to draw boundaries between how much time he spends at his friends’ houses and him agreeing with you and both coming to an agreement about your lifestyle - see if there are incompatibilities where you agree on spending your free time. With this amount of resentment and tension I can’t imagine his friends coming over to your house if you both live together, let alone being near your daughter. I don’t know to me, you speak up with your own friends and it’s sign of their respect for you, how they treat your partner. I would speak up with mine but I don’t have any friends who’d do that or they wouldn’t be my friend, and he should with him. He’s too busy keeping everyone on side to call her out and support me that’s how I feel honestly x. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 While I understand you asking your partner to have your back and speak up, him asking her to apologise was pointless. An apology only has meaning if a person realises they have been wrong and gives it freely and without duress. Not because your husband told her to recite the words. This is why the apology went pear shaped. I also think the questions about your marital status are relevant. I'm common law married with my husband of 30+ years, so I know that things don't need a piece of paper to be solid. But when you haven't yet moved in with a person, you've still got a lot more choices if their lifestyle and friends are bothering you. This is a good thing if there are significant issues! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, basil67 said: While I understand you asking your partner to have your back and speak up, him asking her to apologise was pointless. An apology only has meaning if a person realises they have been wrong and gives it freely and without duress. Not because your husband told her to recite the words. This is why the apology went pear shaped. I also think the questions about your marital status are relevant. I'm common law married with my husband of 30+ years, so I know that things don't need a piece of paper to be solid. But when you haven't yet moved in with a person, you've still got a lot more choices if their lifestyle and friends are bothering you. This is a good thing if there are significant issues! Appreciate that. It’s not his friends they are all lovely. She know she’s been out of order, he apologised to him. Just won’t to me. Whatever she’s got wrong with her it’s certainly nothing to do with me, as I see her do it to other women too. I just don’t choose to keep going there to have it done to me. Probably her aim, but in the end, I think she’s only made herself look like a pathetic mean girl. She just can’t bring herself to apologise to me. She made a show of it as I said while also trying to take the piss again. ‘Are you ok? Are we ok? It’s painful to be left out ‘ etc. it’s actually not painful just repellant honestly. Thanks everyone I feel better now sometimes you just need to vent x Edited October 12, 2023 by Denise8 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 7 hours ago, Denise8 said: Everyone else is nice just her and her friend not. Can't you handle these two yourself? If it's just 2 women being snarky to you can't you just put them in their place without even involving your boyfriend and then enjoying your time there with him and the others? If you do quite like his other friends why can't they come over to visit your bf when you two move in together? Do you have your own friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) 5 hours ago, Denise8 said: . . I just don’t choose to keep going there to have it done to me. That's the best option. You don't have to like or hang out with his friends, all you have to do is respect his choices to have them. It's not worth getting into catfights over if these women are annoying to you. He's not going to stop seeing his friends or make waves because you find them obnoxious. Just bow out gracefully. Try not to let it affect your relationship unless he hangs out there constantly or expects you to. Has he ever lived with them? What is meant by "they take in strays"? Edited October 12, 2023 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Can't you handle these two yourself? If it's just 2 women being snarky to you can't you just put them in their place without even involving your boyfriend and then enjoying your time there with him and the others? If you do quite like his other friends why can't they come over to visit your bf when you two move in together? Do you have your own friends? I suppose I just don’t go where I’m not welcomed. Yes I do have my own friends, just had lunch with one, she sees my point and thinks maybe it’s a dealbreaker. x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: That's the best option. You don't have to like or hang out with his friends, all you have to do is respect his choices to have them. It's not worth getting into catfights over if these women are annoying to you. He's not going to stop seeing his friends or make waves because you find them obnoxious. Just bow out gracefully. Try not to let it affect your relationship unless he hangs out there constantly or expects you to. Has he ever lived with them? What is meant by "they take in strays"? He was there multiple times a week. Now once for an hour or two. Dont know really just only really rate my boyfriend in the group. Just find his friend acts like some sort of mob boss only having people to his or complaining I suppose. I do like his friends just don’t like sitting in the house of a woman who obviously hates me really . Sadly they are the main hosts Edited October 12, 2023 by Denise8 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 37 minutes ago, Denise8 said: He was there multiple times a week. Now once for an hour or two. Are you used to seeing your boyfriend every night and that is why you have an issue with him going over there multiple times a week? If not, why doesn't he want to spend that time seeing you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 9 hours ago, basil67 said: While I understand you asking your partner to have your back and speak up, him asking her to apologise was pointless. An apology only has meaning if a person realises they have been wrong and gives it freely and without duress. Not because your husband told her to recite the words. This is why the apology went pear shaped. I also think the questions about your marital status are relevant. I'm common law married with my husband of 30+ years, so I know that things don't need a piece of paper to be solid. But when you haven't yet moved in with a person, you've still got a lot more choices if their lifestyle and friends are bothering you. This is a good thing if there are significant issues! I didn’t ask him to ask her to apologise he did Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 7 minutes ago, Denise8 said: I didn’t ask him to ask her to apologise he did 9 hours ago, Denise8 said: I think I’m starting not to respect him for just letting this happen without standing up for me. How did you expect him to stand up for you? You must have asked him to have her apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 55 minutes ago, Denise8 said: He was there multiple times a week. Now once for an hour or two. You mentioned you're not going there anymore. Did he ever live with them? How often does he stay with you? Does he have his own place? Do you visit him there? If his friends are this obnoxious and he's this bonded to them, maybe you're not that compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) 21 hours ago, Denise8 said: Mark... I think you should respect what he HAS done while making your strong preferences (that he keep away) clear. Just ensure he CAN have friends - it's just the husband of the one in particular (and her) that you have the issue with, not everyone. It sounds like he's been finding ways to navigate that, and so presumably can continue to do so. Your husband hoping that you'd "be over it" by now is reasonable, but expecting that you would be is perhaps less so. You feel how you feel and you don't like this woman. The bottom line is he can have other friends. Edited October 12, 2023 by mark clemson 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 Frankly, this all sounds a little puerile to me. I sympathize with you, but there seems to be some unnecessary drama and weird stuff going on. Why do you call the guy your HUSBAND when you are not married and don't even share your daily lives together? You think of him as your life partner, okay. Lots of us think that about people we are seeing especially if we're feeling "in love." That doesn't make the other person our spouse, common law or otherwise. You and he have so much to figure out about life together. You have not even begun. I'm bringing this up because this inconsistency has caused me to question some aspects of your story. And why this one annoying lady is occupying such a pivotal role in your relationship when it seems, from my POV, to be a pretty easy fix. Even though you're in your 40s you two are "partying" at the house of a drug dealer and you are getting very wrapped up in some immature behavior towards you. You've also gone on into this "other women don't like me" place. I am surely projecting here to an extent, but it is a red flag for me when a woman says that. It has always proven to be much more about the woman saying it than the "other women" who don't like her. From my perspective, this would be easily dealt with by deflection, you being excessively "nice" and polite to her so she feels lame, and just enjoying the other friends who are there - you've said they are all "lovely." Or, just demur from going over to hang out and smoke pot or whatever is going on, especially since it's just once a week and for an hour or two. I'm not seeing why you don't stop giving her and her immature behavior so much power. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) 23 hours ago, Denise8 said: She makes a show of looking like she’s being polite but when we are alone, she either walks away, blanks me or is worse. Are you saying she walks away in mid conversation? What is blanking you? 23 hours ago, Denise8 said: I actually got quite upset there as I could just tell this wasn’t going to go that way, I was cross and actually suppressing my anger so much, and not wanting to ruin her husbands birthday as even if he feels the same about me he’ll only ever been polite. She said a really fake over the top hello, some stuff about not knowing what to say to me, I looked glamorous etc and didn’t know if I liked them. I What exactly did this woman do to make you so angry and cross? A fake hello? How do you know it was fake? What did you expect her to say to you and why did she say she didn't know what to say? She told you you looked glamorous? Is that a bad thing? Did she tell you that she didn't know if you liked them? You don't, but what was your reply to her? Edited October 12, 2023 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 14 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Frankly, this all sounds a little puerile to me. I sympathize with you, but there seems to be some unnecessary drama and weird stuff going on. Why do you call the guy your HUSBAND when you are not married and don't even share your daily lives together? You think of him as your life partner, okay. Lots of us think that about people we are seeing especially if we're feeling "in love." That doesn't make the other person our spouse, common law or otherwise. You and he have so much to figure out about life together. You have not even begun. I'm bringing this up because this inconsistency has caused me to question some aspects of your story. And why this one annoying lady is occupying such a pivotal role in your relationship when it seems, from my POV, to be a pretty easy fix. Even though you're in your 40s you two are "partying" at the house of a drug dealer and you are getting very wrapped up in some immature behavior towards you. You've also gone on into this "other women don't like me" place. I am surely projecting here to an extent, but it is a red flag for me when a woman says that. It has always proven to be much more about the woman saying it than the "other women" who don't like her. From my perspective, this would be easily dealt with by deflection, you being excessively "nice" and polite to her so she feels lame, and just enjoying the other friends who are there - you've said they are all "lovely." Or, just demur from going over to hang out and smoke pot or whatever is going on, especially since it's just once a week and for an hour or two. I'm not seeing why you don't stop giving her and her immature behavior so much power. I don’t party there I’ve been there 3 times, there’s unpleasant drama from the host so I don’t go there. I don’t do drugs and I don’t go where I’m excessively nice and treated like s***, I tried that and she took the piss. You’re quite right that’s why I don’t go. Just upset my partner holds her close, I think he’s being disloyal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 1 minute ago, stillafool said: What exactly did this woman do to make you so angry and cross? A fake hello? How do you know it was fake? What did you expect her to say to you and why did she say she didn't know what to say? She told you you looked glamorous? Is that a bad thing? Did she tell you that she didn't know if you liked them? You don't, but what was your reply to her? No she said sarcastically what I put in my first post. Looked me up and down, blanked me many times, looked me up and down and walks away when I approach my boyfriend and she is speaking to him. She’s a b**** to me trust me. The end was she looked at me and said are you ok? It’s painful being ignored isn’t it? While smirking Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 1 minute ago, Denise8 said: . Just upset my partner holds her close, I think he’s being disloyal. Then the issue is your BF, his inappropriate behavior with her and jealousy. Please reconsider if this is the right relationship for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betty8 Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Then the issue is your BF, his inappropriate behavior with her and jealousy. Please reconsider if this is the right relationship for you. Oh Trust me I am . That’s why I’m so upset here Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 In what way is your partner holding her close if he's over there to see her husband, his friend? Link to post Share on other sites
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