My husband's friend's wife hates me

[Betty8]

Just now, stillafool said:

In what way is your partner holding her close if he's over there to see her husband, his friend?

I just feel he went to celebrate her birthday and that’s not cool. I feel like it’s a deal breaker and I can’t fully explain why if I’m honest. Their house is full of girls I’m not a jealous person, I was in bed ill and was left alone while he celebrated her birthday. Just feels off, maybe I’m sick of waiting for him to have us move in. Maybe it’s just the straw that broke the camels back honestly, 

[Betty8]

1 minute ago, Denise8 said:

I just feel he went to celebrate her birthday and that’s not cool. I feel like it’s a deal breaker and I can’t fully explain why if I’m honest. Their house is full of girls I’m not a jealous person, I was in bed ill and was left alone while he celebrated her birthday. Just feels off, maybe I’m sick of waiting for him to have us move in. Maybe it’s just the straw that broke the camels back honestly, 

It’s always full of girls I never normally mind. Her friends. It’s just her birthday that’s all just I feel like I can’t get over it I think. Like she’s won I don’t know maybe it’s me ?

 

I don’t want all this crap, I’ve never had it before all my boyfriends friends have welcomed me or not necessarily clicked but we’re still kind. I don’t know how he can hold someone like that close. I think I’ve maybe had enough 

Edited October 12, 2023 by Denise8

[NuevoYorko]

Truly, not one thing you've said about her behavior towards you is terribly egregious IMO.  She's just annoying.   It seems easily ignored and also very difficult for your BF to address.  I mean, what is he going to say?  "My date said you looked her up and down and 'blanked" her. You also smirked and said 'it's painful being ignored.'   Please stop that."

Seriously, @Denise8   How would you envision him "standing up for you" against such feeble shade she threw your way?

I think you are going to need to learn how to let insignificant stuff roll off your back.  You certainly don't need to like this lady, but heck.  It's ONE HOUR a week that he's interacting with her, and your choice whether to go or stay home.  I would caution you to try to keep your dramatic reactions to these slights to yourself though.  He really doesn't need to defend you,  it's the kind of thing that you can certainly handle in a mature way.  And try to enjoy the "lovely" friends he has, unless you want to alienate him from his friend group.  If you do that, you will be putting your relationship at risk.

Edited to add:  I just read your last post.  Seriously, if this is enough to make you want to break up with your "husband" / boyfriend / intermittent date, then you really should do it.  This is not a very deep relationship if it can be derailed by such petty stuff.  And you probably need to do some introspective work on your self esteem.   No way should an insignificant, annoying acquaintance have 100% control over your feelings and the status of your relationship. 

Edited October 12, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[stillafool]

I don't think he's holding her close at all, he's just trying to be with and support his friend and perhaps have some fun.  I'm sure he's not interested in any of her friends and probably ignores them and hangs with the guys when he's over there.

[Betty8]

38 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Truly, not one thing you've said about her behavior towards you is terribly egregious IMO.  She's just annoying.   It seems easily ignored and also very difficult for your BF to address.  I mean, what is he going to say?  "My date said you looked her up and down and 'blanked" her. You also smirked and said 'it's painful being ignored.'   Please stop that."

Seriously, @Denise8   How would you envision him "standing up for you" against such feeble shade she threw your way?

I think you are going to need to learn how to let insignificant stuff roll off your back.  You certainly don't need to like this lady, but heck.  It's ONE HOUR a week that he's interacting with her, and your choice whether to go or stay home.  I would caution you to try to keep your dramatic reactions to these slights to yourself though.  He really doesn't need to defend you,  it's the kind of thing that you can certainly handle in a mature way.  And try to enjoy the "lovely" friends he has, unless you want to alienate him from his friend group.  If you do that, you will be putting your relationship at risk.

Edited to add:  I just read your last post.  Seriously, if this is enough to make you want to break up with your "husband" / boyfriend / intermittent date, then you really should do it.  This is not a very deep relationship if it can be derailed by such petty stuff.  And you probably need to do some introspective work on your self esteem.   No way should an insignificant, annoying acquaintance have 100% control over your feelings and the status of your relationship. 

Probably x 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Denise8 said:

 I don’t know how he can hold someone like that close. I think I’ve maybe had enough 

Please don't move in with him or keep asking to. You seem quite incompatible if he likes to party this much and get stupid with his buddies and their partners. It's not worth the headaches and heartaches. Right now you and your daughter have your own place away from the madness. Focus on parenting first.

[Betty8]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't move in with him or keep asking to. You seem quite incompatible if he likes to party this much and get stupid with his buddies and their partners. It's not worth the headaches and heartaches. Right now you and your daughter have your own place away from the madness. Focus on parenting first.

I’m not asking to move in, he keeps saying and asking me… 

We are happy that’s true. 
 

x

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I’m not asking to move in, he keeps saying and asking me… We are happy that’s true. 

If you and your daughter are happy, try to keep it that way. If you move in with him, you'll have very little control over who he invites over and how much he parties with his friends.

Provide peace, quiet and happiness for yourself and your daughter first. You seem rather incompatible with this BF and his posse of pals.

[Betty8]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you and your daughter are happy, try to keep it that way. If you move in with him, you'll have very little control over who he invites over and how much he parties with his friends.

Provide peace, quiet and happiness for yourself and your daughter first. You seem rather incompatible with this BF and his posse of pals.

I don’t want to control that.  I just don’t want to go to a place where I’m unwelcomed.  I just want to feel like my partner has my back and prioritises his relationship. 

I do think he struggles with commitment and prioritising a partner.  I’d say it was just me if it was just me… but he’s not married and is 50. Similar stories before me.  They thought he had horrible friends and he prioritised them, maybe he’s the problem. 

Edited October 12, 2023 by Denise8

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

maybe he’s the problem. 

Then most definitely don't move in with him.  That way you can still see him when you want and he can still spend time with his friends.

[Betty8]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Then most definitely don't move in with him.  That way you can still see him when you want and he can still spend time with his friends.

There’s no point if it’s not moving forward honestly. That’s how I feel tonight. I hope his friends find him someone they can be bothered to make an effort with. That’s how I feel tonight. Utterly defeated 

Edited October 12, 2023 by Denise8

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

 I hope his friends find him someone they can be bothered to make an effort with.  Utterly defeated 

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise that you are seeing more of what he and his people are really like. Your anger at these women is really about him.

Hopefully it prevents you from making the mistake of moving in with someone like this.

Do you want to be there when his pals drop in? Or home washing his dirty socks while he's off to another party getting cozy and silly with his friends wives? 

[Betty8]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise that you are seeing more of what he and his people are really like. Your anger at these women is really about him.

Hopefully it prevents you from making the mistake of moving in with someone like this.

Do you want to be there when his pals drop in? Or home washing his dirty socks while he's off to another party getting cozy and silly with his friends wives? 

Sure you ain’t his mate ? 😉

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Denise8 said:

There’s no point if it’s not moving forward honestly. That’s how I feel tonight. I hope his friends find him someone they can be bothered to make an effort with. That’s how I feel tonight. Utterly defeated 

I doubt seriously that is what they are trying to do.  Don't feel defeated  The KC/Bronco football game is on tonight so they will be glued to the tv.  My husband will be doing the same; and so will I.  You're a football widow right now, LOL.

[Betty8]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I doubt seriously that is what they are trying to do.  Don't feel defeated  The KC/Bronco football game is on tonight so they will be glued to the tv.  My husband will be doing the same; and so will I.  You're a football widow right now, LOL.

No I know, well maybe one woman. Love me and family time, you’ll find me pampering, face timing my friends early on and then and having an early night with a book and my animals and daughter nearby x minus my fella as he’s maybe a man child… his loss honestly I’m exhausted after the last week. 
 

I honestly don’t want to give that woman one more inch of my time or anyone else who feels I’m less than.

 

I can’t be too unattractive I turn heads in the street and drivers rubber necking  still, and was asked out by a 24 year old the other day on the train, who was shocked to hear I was late 40’s. I’m a good person and I care for people, it’s their loss.  There’s more to life honestly than people not appreciating you x 

Edited October 12, 2023 by Denise8

[Weezy1973]

The relationship must not have been too great if you’re ending it over something so trivial. I’m guessing there was a whole bunch of other stuff at the root of this as your instinct to end things can’t be caused by some random who happens to be the wife of a friend of his.
 

And no idea why you went on about your physical attractiveness? Can you expand on why that’s relevant here?

[NuevoYorko]

29 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And no idea why you went on about your physical attractiveness? Can you expand on why that’s relevant here?

This seems to be a common characteristic of women who often say "other women don't like me."  There's an implication that the woman saying that feels that she's "too" attractive and other women find her threatening.   I've kind of gotten this vibe here.

[FMW]

Consider talking to her, alone, just the two of you.  Acknowledge that she (or her guy) is important to your guy so you want to get along.  She may feel like you are not respecting the friendships he's had long before he met you.  Sometimes it pays to sit back and listen, read the room, and figure out how you can fit into the existing situation. 

It sounds to me like something has happened that you didn't notice and has put her off of you.  I'm not blaming you, just saying do consider if you have a part in this situation.  

If you've truly looked at the situation with an open mind and willingness to see things clearly, then you might have to accept this being a part of his life you don't share.  Focus on your own interests and friends when he's with them.

Don't become a point of contention between him and his friends.  Don't put him in the position of choosing.  It won't be helpful to your relationship.

If you can't come to some sort of peace with the situation then you very well may have to remove yourself.  You have to decide what's important to you.

[stillafool]

31 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And no idea why you went on about your physical attractiveness? Can you expand on why that’s relevant here?

I was wondering the same.  That reeks of insecurity.  Who said anything about you being unattractive or why would a group of strangers on the internet care what you look like?  It makes me now think your dislike for this woman is rooted in your own jealousy of her.  Perhaps your man thinks this too and that is why he ignores you and still sees his friends.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Denise8 said:

 my fella as he’s maybe a man child… I honestly don’t want to give that woman one more inch of my time 

This is likely part of the issue and part of the incompatibilities. You don't have to talk to or try to be friends with this woman or his other pals. It would be nice if you naturally got along with his people but he's like them and they are like him. Birds of a feather. You don't seem to embrace his frat boy lifestyle. 

The issue is the BF not catty women. You're angry at these women because it's easier to accept that they're the problem than the truth that your BF is the issue. 

[NuevoYorko]

It's odd that the behavior of this woman - which is lame and not intended to flatter your ego, but not horrible - is enough to inspire you to dump the guy.

So far you haven't said anything much about your relationship.  It's like the guy isn't even a featured player in this scenario.  His friends are supposed to "make an effort" for you.  That's what's important, and since they aren't, you're prepared to dump the fellow.  Frankly that sounds quite high maintenance.  

In any case, this definitely sounds more like a very loose "situationship" with nothing like marriage anywhere on the horizon.  You and he are incompatible and you are unhappy.  Move on.  

[Alpacalia]

I think you're jealous to the point where it's causing you to question your relationship with this man. That's really what you need to figure out. I mean, I could see why it's upsetting that your acquaintance doesn't particularly care for you, but the way you're writing this she seems to be this huge, manipulative, homewrecker who's trying to tear your relationship apart just because.

Of course it's not pleasant to be excluded and disliked by someone, especially when it's someone who is connected to your partner. You're exhausted from all of this, and it seems as though you've held out hope that he would finally stand up for you and side with you in this ongoing issue with this woman, but he hasn't. Just make sure that it's not jealously manifesting itself in some paranoid fantasy.

But I wonder if it's worth considering that, maybe from his perspective, it doesn't seem as big of a deal as it does to you. Maybe he sees her as just a friend's wife, and he doesn't feel the need to choose between her and you. Maybe he's not good at dealing with confrontational situations and is hoping that if he just lets it go and doesn't take sides, it will eventually resolve itself.

Having said that, when you were sick and needed support, him going to celebrate her birthday instead of staying home with you does seem a little insensitive. Was this a one-off instance or a pattern in your relationship? If it's a pattern, then naturally you're going to feel neglected and unhappy in the relationship. It's also worth considering that maybe you shouldn't put so much weight on this woman's opinion.

It seems as though you've let her dislike for you affect how you feel about yourself and your relationship. Remember, it's not your job to make her like you or feel comfortable around you. If she chooses to be mean or ignore you, that's her problem, not yours. As long as your partner loves and supports you, her opinion shouldn't matter.

Quite frankly, if she is causing you this much stress and negativity in your relationship, then it might be best to distance yourself from her and her husband altogether. It's not worth it to constantly be around people who make you feel unworthy or disliked. But remember to keep a level head and not let your jealously cloud your judgment. Your boyfriend sounds like someone that likes to keep in good terms with everyone and avoid confrontation and conflict. This might be a positive trait of his or a negative one depending on the situation. I think when it starts to be a situation where it is negatively affecting your relationship and your feelings so deeply, something is not working like it should.

FWIW, my ex and his sisters were very cold to me when I first started dating him. I can't recall if my ex ever stood up for me during that time either. In hindsight, I wish I had been less invested in feeling aweful about it and more focused on how my ex was choosing to handle that situation and support me. Long story short, they grew to love me and when we broke up they were SO sad and devastated. I thought that was amusing considering how they behaved towards me initially. But, we became close when my ex and I were in a good place, so it only makes sense they would miss me when my ex and I weren't a thing anymore.

I do think that's a bit of what I see here. However, I don't think you want a man who just sits back while he witnesses being treated poorly. So it's different in your case. But take it from a wise old ewe like me, these situations compel us to spend a lifetime perfecting letting go and not caring so much about the Jealousy that tends to overcome reason. We learn not to let people disrespect, like or on the other hand when our insecurity may very well be to blame, it is up to us to strengthen by not being so heavily invested in being perfect, accepted or approved of.

So figure out if what's happening is a deal breaker for you, and then go from there. If it is, then you are better off without this woman and anyone else who doesn't appreciate and support you. But also consider if your jealousy is a result of underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed.

[Betty8]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Consider talking to her, alone, just the two of you.  Acknowledge that she (or her guy) is important to your guy so you want to get along.  She may feel like you are not respecting the friendships he's had long before he met you.  Sometimes it pays to sit back and listen, read the room, and figure out how you can fit into the existing situation. 

It sounds to me like something has happened that you didn't notice and has put her off of you.  I'm not blaming you, just saying do consider if you have a part in this situation.  

If you've truly looked at the situation with an open mind and willingness to see things clearly, then you might have to accept this being a part of his life you don't share.  Focus on your own interests and friends when he's with them.

Don't become a point of contention between him and his friends.  Don't put him in the position of choosing.  It won't be helpful to your relationship.

If you can't come to some sort of peace with the situation then you very well may have to remove yourself.  You have to decide what's important to you.

I have tried. 

[Betty8]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I was wondering the same.  That reeks of insecurity.  Who said anything about you being unattractive or why would a group of strangers on the internet care what you look like?  It makes me now think your dislike for this woman is rooted in your own jealousy of her.  Perhaps your man thinks this too and that is why he ignores you and still sees his friends.

Yes at the moment I do feel insecure. I think that’s ok. I’ve been through it somewhat. Thank you for your support 

[Betty8]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's odd that the behavior of this woman - which is lame and not intended to flatter your ego, but not horrible - is enough to inspire you to dump the guy.

So far you haven't said anything much about your relationship.  It's like the guy isn't even a featured player in this scenario.  His friends are supposed to "make an effort" for you.  That's what's important, and since they aren't, you're prepared to dump the fellow.  Frankly that sounds quite high maintenance.  

In any case, this definitely sounds more like a very loose "situationship" with nothing like marriage anywhere on the horizon.  You and he are incompatible and you are unhappy.  Move on.  

I think it is horrible honestly, in what world isn’t it? Interesting