My husband's friend's wife hates me

[Betty8]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

It's odd that the behavior of this woman - which is lame and not intended to flatter your ego, but not horrible - is enough to inspire you to dump the guy.

So far you haven't said anything much about your relationship.  It's like the guy isn't even a featured player in this scenario.  His friends are supposed to "make an effort" for you.  That's what's important, and since they aren't, you're prepared to dump the fellow.  Frankly that sounds quite high maintenance.  

In any case, this definitely sounds more like a very loose "situationship" with nothing like marriage anywhere on the horizon.  You and he are incompatible and you are unhappy.  Move on.  

I think when you marry, you are supposed to be a team. Not like the outsider 

[Betty8]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

The relationship must not have been too great if you’re ending it over something so trivial. I’m guessing there was a whole bunch of other stuff at the root of this as your instinct to end things can’t be caused by some random who happens to be the wife of a friend of his.
 

And no idea why you went on about your physical attractiveness? Can you expand on why that’s relevant here?

Just upset and maybe not making sense, trying to make myself feel better that better is out there maybe.  

[Betty8]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Truly, not one thing you've said about her behavior towards you is terribly egregious IMO.  She's just annoying.   It seems easily ignored and also very difficult for your BF to address.  I mean, what is he going to say?  "My date said you looked her up and down and 'blanked" her. You also smirked and said 'it's painful being ignored.'   Please stop that."

Seriously, @Denise8   How would you envision him "standing up for you" against such feeble shade she threw your way?

I think you are going to need to learn how to let insignificant stuff roll off your back.  You certainly don't need to like this lady, but heck.  It's ONE HOUR a week that he's interacting with her, and your choice whether to go or stay home.  I would caution you to try to keep your dramatic reactions to these slights to yourself though.  He really doesn't need to defend you,  it's the kind of thing that you can certainly handle in a mature way.  And try to enjoy the "lovely" friends he has, unless you want to alienate him from his friend group.  If you do that, you will be putting your relationship at risk.

Edited to add:  I just read your last post.  Seriously, if this is enough to make you want to break up with your "husband" / boyfriend / intermittent date, then you really should do it.  This is not a very deep relationship if it can be derailed by such petty stuff.  And you probably need to do some introspective work on your self esteem.   No way should an insignificant, annoying acquaintance have 100% control over your feelings and the status of your relationship. 

I know if it was me, I’d demand my friends treated my love properly. Or they would not be my friend. That’s what I do know. Maybe I have unusual standards, but I wouldn’t want a friend of mine trying to bully my partner. Call me old fashioned? 

[Betty8]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Truly, not one thing you've said about her behavior towards you is terribly egregious IMO.  She's just annoying.   It seems easily ignored and also very difficult for your BF to address.  I mean, what is he going to say?  "My date said you looked her up and down and 'blanked" her. You also smirked and said 'it's painful being ignored.'   Please stop that."

Seriously, @Denise8   How would you envision him "standing up for you" against such feeble shade she threw your way?

I think you are going to need to learn how to let insignificant stuff roll off your back.  You certainly don't need to like this lady, but heck.  It's ONE HOUR a week that he's interacting with her, and your choice whether to go or stay home.  I would caution you to try to keep your dramatic reactions to these slights to yourself though.  He really doesn't need to defend you,  it's the kind of thing that you can certainly handle in a mature way.  And try to enjoy the "lovely" friends he has, unless you want to alienate him from his friend group.  If you do that, you will be putting your relationship at risk.

Edited to add:  I just read your last post.  Seriously, if this is enough to make you want to break up with your "husband" / boyfriend / intermittent date, then you really should do it.  This is not a very deep relationship if it can be derailed by such petty stuff.  And you probably need to do some introspective work on your self esteem.   No way should an insignificant, annoying acquaintance have 100% control over your feelings and the status of your relationship. 

I don’t get to enjoy his other lovely friends ever as all they ever do is go to her house. 
 

I would have pulled up a ‘friend’ who treated my partner that way and made them feel they didn’t want to go to the only place all his friends went by repeatedly acting as if I wasn’t there. Sorry if that makes me seem unusual to you 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I think when you marry, you are supposed to be a team. Not like the outsider 

But you're not married or even living together. Sadly I feel you are more invested in the relationship than he is and it's more of a convenience for him just coasting along.

[Betty8]

10 hours ago, stillafool said:

Can't you handle these two yourself?  If it's just 2 women being snarky to you can't you just put them in their place without even involving your boyfriend and then enjoying your time there with him and the others?  If you do quite like his other friends why can't they come over to visit your bf when you two move in together?  Do you have your own friends?

Not sure but they ever go to this girls house. Wierd 

[Betty8]

40 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I think you're jealous to the point where it's causing you to question your relationship with this man. That's really what you need to figure out. I mean, I could see why it's upsetting that your acquaintance doesn't particularly care for you, but the way you're writing this she seems to be this huge, manipulative, homewrecker who's trying to tear your relationship apart just because.

Of course it's not pleasant to be excluded and disliked by someone, especially when it's someone who is connected to your partner. You're exhausted from all of this, and it seems as though you've held out hope that he would finally stand up for you and side with you in this ongoing issue with this woman, but he hasn't. Just make sure that it's not jealously manifesting itself in some paranoid fantasy.

But I wonder if it's worth considering that, maybe from his perspective, it doesn't seem as big of a deal as it does to you. Maybe he sees her as just a friend's wife, and he doesn't feel the need to choose between her and you. Maybe he's not good at dealing with confrontational situations and is hoping that if he just lets it go and doesn't take sides, it will eventually resolve itself.

Having said that, when you were sick and needed support, him going to celebrate her birthday instead of staying home with you does seem a little insensitive. Was this a one-off instance or a pattern in your relationship? If it's a pattern, then naturally you're going to feel neglected and unhappy in the relationship. It's also worth considering that maybe you shouldn't put so much weight on this woman's opinion.

It seems as though you've let her dislike for you affect how you feel about yourself and your relationship. Remember, it's not your job to make her like you or feel comfortable around you. If she chooses to be mean or ignore you, that's her problem, not yours. As long as your partner loves and supports you, her opinion shouldn't matter.

Quite frankly, if she is causing you this much stress and negativity in your relationship, then it might be best to distance yourself from her and her husband altogether. It's not worth it to constantly be around people who make you feel unworthy or disliked. But remember to keep a level head and not let your jealously cloud your judgment. Your boyfriend sounds like someone that likes to keep in good terms with everyone and avoid confrontation and conflict. This might be a positive trait of his or a negative one depending on the situation. I think when it starts to be a situation where it is negatively affecting your relationship and your feelings so deeply, something is not working like it should.

FWIW, my ex and his sisters were very cold to me when I first started dating him. I can't recall if my ex ever stood up for me during that time either. In hindsight, I wish I had been less invested in feeling aweful about it and more focused on how my ex was choosing to handle that situation and support me. Long story short, they grew to love me and when we broke up they were SO sad and devastated. I thought that was amusing considering how they behaved towards me initially. But, we became close when my ex and I were in a good place, so it only makes sense they would miss me when my ex and I weren't a thing anymore.

I do think that's a bit of what I see here. However, I don't think you want a man who just sits back while he witnesses being treated poorly. So it's different in your case. But take it from a wise old ewe like me, these situations compel us to spend a lifetime perfecting letting go and not caring so much about the Jealousy that tends to overcome reason. We learn not to let people disrespect, like or on the other hand when our insecurity may very well be to blame, it is up to us to strengthen by not being so heavily invested in being perfect, accepted or approved of.

So figure out if what's happening is a deal breaker for you, and then go from there. If it is, then you are better off without this woman and anyone else who doesn't appreciate and support you. But also consider if your jealousy is a result of underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed.

Thank you.  I’m not insecure I’m a human who’s feelings are hurt. There’s nothing about this woman and her friends I envy, or their parties which are not my bag. However they are my partners bag, so much so that he spent Xmas with them before me, and was 2:3 times a week now only once. It’s the only place his friends congregate and one of the hosts has made sure I feel as unwelcome as possible, so I do as you suggest and avoid it. So I don’t socialise with his friends at all, only he does. 
 

Yes he avoids confrontation, he wants everyone happy, it feels less so me as the husband is the centre of this group and he must be kept happy. Albeit a friend who does seem to have been there for him before he met his wife. It’s very sad that I thought I’d met the love of my life and I’ve been made up feel this way. I’m not jealous and I haven’t brought it on myself. She just hated me on sight, maybe they fancy each other and that’s lingering, maybe she wanted to one day leave her husband who is now fat and in trouble with the law, maybe she’s just a bully when she feels insecure and maybe she isn’t insecure but just didn’t want me going there? Who knows? Who cares at this point. My partner has sat by and watched and allowed all this. Kept them happy. I don’t think anything would ever happen with her or her friends who’ve all tried to be with my partner, truly I don’t.  I just feel rather sorry for someone like her and for myself for this affecting my relationship. 

Maybe I’ll let her win now - let her find someone she will accept for him as her house is certainly his social life aside from me and my friends. I’m just sad and upset that’s all it is. ☹️

[Betty8]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But you're not married or even living together. Sadly I feel you are more invested in the relationship than he is and it's more of a convenience for him just coasting along.

Possibly.  He’s the one saying we will live together and get married, putting me in his will

[NuevoYorko]

10 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I know if it was me, I’d demand my friends treated my love properly. Or they would not be my friend. That’s what I do know. Maybe I have unusual standards, but I wouldn’t want a friend of mine trying to bully my partner. Call me old fashioned? 

Your descriptions of poor treatment are not universally considered terrible.  She looked you up and down.  She "blanked" you, twice i believe, and she said you look glamorous and "it hurts to be ignored."  

Low key rude and annoying, maybe. Not horrible, and the kind of thing that you could either ignore or deflect.   Most of us would not require defense against such stuff or the breaking up of friendships. You feel the way you do about it, but since you're hypersensitive and evidently quite jealous of this woman, your reactions are far out of range than other peoples' would be.  

You're also more concerned about this nonsense than anything going on between you and the man you're dating.  To the point that you are going to dump him over it.  

So dumping is in order, and hopefully you find a new person to date with friends who are going to "make an effort" to make you feel good, or else with no friends of his own that might disturb you.  Good luck!

 

 

[Betty8]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Truly, not one thing you've said about her behavior towards you is terribly egregious IMO.  She's just annoying.   It seems easily ignored and also very difficult for your BF to address.  I mean, what is he going to say?  "My date said you looked her up and down and 'blanked" her. You also smirked and said 'it's painful being ignored.'   Please stop that."

Seriously, @Denise8   How would you envision him "standing up for you" against such feeble shade she threw your way?

I think you are going to need to learn how to let insignificant stuff roll off your back.  You certainly don't need to like this lady, but heck.  It's ONE HOUR a week that he's interacting with her, and your choice whether to go or stay home.  I would caution you to try to keep your dramatic reactions to these slights to yourself though.  He really doesn't need to defend you,  it's the kind of thing that you can certainly handle in a mature way.  And try to enjoy the "lovely" friends he has, unless you want to alienate him from his friend group.  If you do that, you will be putting your relationship at risk.

Edited to add:  I just read your last post.  Seriously, if this is enough to make you want to break up with your "husband" / boyfriend / intermittent date, then you really should do it.  This is not a very deep relationship if it can be derailed by such petty stuff.  And you probably need to do some introspective work on your self esteem.   No way should an insignificant, annoying acquaintance have 100% control over your feelings and the status of your relationship. 

Thing is it’s not petty to me to stand by while the host of the only house you socialise in bullies my partner. It’s not a small thing at all 

[Betty8]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

Your descriptions of poor treatment are not universally considered terrible.  She looked you up and down.  She "blanked" you, twice i believe, and she said you look glamorous and "it hurts to be ignored."  

Low key rude and annoying, maybe. Not horrible, and the kind of thing that you could either ignore or deflect.   Most of us would not require defense against such stuff or the breaking up of friendships. You feel the way you do about it, but since you're hypersensitive and evidently quite jealous of this woman, your reactions are far out of range than other peoples' would be.  

You're also more concerned about this nonsense than anything going on between you and the man you're dating.  To the point that you are going to dump him over it.  

So dumping is in order, and hopefully you find a new person to date with friends who are going to "make an effort" to make you feel good, or else with no friends of his own that might disturb you.  Good luck!

 

 

I’m sorry but have you read it all as that’s Not all she’s done 

[Betty8]

Just now, Denise8 said:

I’m sorry but have you read it all as that’s Not all she’s done 

I’ve honestly explored whether I’m jealous and trust me when I say I’m not.  She had nothing I’d want , looks, personality, habits, husband, life. Nothing . It’s important to explore that tho I agree 

[Betty8]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Your descriptions of poor treatment are not universally considered terrible.  She looked you up and down.  She "blanked" you, twice i believe, and she said you look glamorous and "it hurts to be ignored."  

Low key rude and annoying, maybe. Not horrible, and the kind of thing that you could either ignore or deflect.   Most of us would not require defense against such stuff or the breaking up of friendships. You feel the way you do about it, but since you're hypersensitive and evidently quite jealous of this woman, your reactions are far out of range than other peoples' would be.  

You're also more concerned about this nonsense than anything going on between you and the man you're dating.  To the point that you are going to dump him over it.  

So dumping is in order, and hopefully you find a new person to date with friends who are going to "make an effort" to make you feel good, or else with no friends of his own that might disturb you.  Good luck!

 

 

Maybe just someone with friends who host who would say hello would be nice … yes 

[Betty8]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Your descriptions of poor treatment are not universally considered terrible.  She looked you up and down.  She "blanked" you, twice i believe, and she said you look glamorous and "it hurts to be ignored."  

Low key rude and annoying, maybe. Not horrible, and the kind of thing that you could either ignore or deflect.   Most of us would not require defense against such stuff or the breaking up of friendships. You feel the way you do about it, but since you're hypersensitive and evidently quite jealous of this woman, your reactions are far out of range than other peoples' would be.  

You're also more concerned about this nonsense than anything going on between you and the man you're dating.  To the point that you are going to dump him over it.  

So dumping is in order, and hopefully you find a new person to date with friends who are going to "make an effort" to make you feel good, or else with no friends of his own that might disturb you.  Good luck!

 

 

Never had this problem before Ever 

[NuevoYorko]

33 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I think when you marry, you are supposed to be a team. Not like the outsider 

I've been married and am in a very long term relationship that will last for the rest of our lives.  I can assure you that she and I both would be highly capable of ignoring, laughing off or deflecting the type of shade that is upsetting you to the point of dissolving your relationship.

Friendships and familial relationships very often cause friction in early stages of dating.  When a relationship evolves into marriage and the friends and family realize that you are not going anywhere, things tend to smooth out.

A healthy relationship will withstand friendships either partner has with a person that the other partner dislikes, and - sorry, but people with healthy self esteem will not allow somebody who acts mildly rude or dismissive derail their entire relationship.

To be very clear - your date (I still don't know why you called him your husband and then "common law" husband - I think the reasons are pertinent here) only goes over there one time a week for an hour or slightly more.  This should have NO power over your relationship, and he should not be required to dissolve a longstanding friendship over it either.

Edited October 12, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[NuevoYorko]

8 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

Never had this problem before Ever 

You mentioned having issues with women before.  

In any case, you feel the way you do and obviously this situationship that you've been in is not the right one for you.  Sorry for arguing with you.  Best of luck in your next dating adventures.

Edited October 12, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Betty8]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You mentioned having issues with women before.  

In any case, you feel the way you do and obviously this situationship that you've been in is not the right one for you.  Sorry for arguing with you.  Best of luck in your next dating adventures.

Only as is as much as sometimes you don’t click, but have always been civil about it. Never seen such dislike from anyone in my entire life. Almost as if I stole her boyfriend vibes. 
 

I was temping when I met him and doing different jobs, and he’d obviously shared this, once she said to me have you actually found a job you can keep yet? In a very scathing tone, just all very mean girl v odd v sad. 

[Betty8]

9 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I've been married and am in a very long term relationship that will last for the rest of our lives.  I can assure you that she and I both would be highly capable of ignoring, laughing off or deflecting the type of shade that is upsetting you to the point of dissolving your relationship.

Friendships and familial relationships very often cause friction in early stages of dating.  When a relationship evolves into marriage and the friends and family realize that you are not going anywhere, things tend to smooth out.

A healthy relationship will withstand friendships either partner has with a person that the other partner dislikes, and - sorry, but people with healthy self esteem will not allow somebody who acts mildly rude or dismissive derail their entire relationship.

To be very clear - your date (I still don't know why you called him your husband and then "common law" husband - I think the reasons are pertinent here) only goes over there one time a week for an hour or slightly more.  This should have NO power over your relationship, and he should not be required to dissolve a longstanding friendship over it either.

It’s just that that’s the only place his friends socialise so I never see them , as I’ve said multiple times. Bit of a problem no? 
 

I explained why I posted here. Have you read my posts? 
 

Im not asking him to dissolve it, I’m sad he’s sat by and let it happen that’s all. 

Edited October 12, 2023 by Denise8

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

.  She had nothing I’d want .

She has your BFs loyalty, time and attention, which unfortunately you do not. 

[Betty8]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

She has your BFs loyalty, time and attention, which unfortunately you do not. 

I have it also. Should it be shared with another man’s wife who actively hates you and has blocked you from socialising with his friends tho do you think? 

[Betty8]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She has your BFs loyalty, time and attention, which unfortunately you do not. 

Harsh 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

Harsh 

Unfortunately it's the root of the issue with your BF as well as your distain for this woman.

If he were attentive and loving rather than putting his buddies and their wives first, you wouldn't be hurt. 

So you are justified in reexamining your relationship and what type of man he and if that's a good fit for you. 

[Betty8]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it's the root of the issue with your BF as well as your distain for this woman.

If he were attentive and loving rather than putting his buddies and their wives first, you wouldn't be hurt. 

So you are justified in reexamining your relationship and what type of man he and if that's a good fit for you. 

Agreed on this and thank you all for exploring this with me, being challenged is always good, and while we can always be better I’m doing my best and to improve every day. 
 

You all rule. 
 

Wish you all my best ❤️

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8

[Betty8]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it's the root of the issue with your BF as well as your distain for this woman.

If he were attentive and loving rather than putting his buddies and their wives first, you wouldn't be hurt. 

So you are justified in reexamining your relationship and what type of man he and if that's a good fit for you. 

Out of interest do you have any insights in to why she had such utter distain towards me? I was excited to meet all his friends and hoped we’d be friends honestly.

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, Denise8 said:

I was temping when I met him and doing different jobs, and he’d obviously shared this, once she said to me have you actually found a job you can keep yet? In a very scathing tone, just all very mean girl v odd v sad. 

Sometimes friends, especially overprotective ones, just want to make sure their friend is making the right decisions and not being taken advantage of. But her delivery could certainly be nicer.

In my case, while my ex's sisters were initially cold towards me, they did not cause me this much feeling of being hurt like you've experienced.

But if he's not taking your feelings into consideration and stands up for you if his friends are being unkind and if he's not then I can see why that would make you feel unsupported. He may love you but the way she's treating you subconsciously it'll rub off on him and he will start valuing you less and less. She doesn't respect your relationship and you do not respect your boyfriend's friend - which if the feeling is justified - then I don't know, maybe it is better that you end the relationship.

This is not going to get better. She is not going to stop.

If it's been going on like this for this long, and at this point he knows about it, and plainly won't do anything about it, then it's time to leave.

Edited October 13, 2023 by Alpacalia