My husband's friend's wife hates me

[FMW]

My boyfriend of 4 years has a friend couple with whom I've had issues over the years with the wife.  I actually made a post about it once.  I (and others) see her as too possessive/proprietary with him, and at times she says things to me that I feel are "putting me in my place" since they've known him longer than I have and were there to support him during his wife's long battle with cancer and eventual death.  Those comments are much less common now, but the general feeling will always be there.  

After 4 years we generally get along pretty well now, even have fun together (as a group), seeing each other about once a month, occasionally twice.  I doubt we'll ever hang out together just the two of us, but I have learned to accept her (including how she is with him), and I believe she has done the same with me.   I accept they are important to him and because I love him I'm grateful they have been there to love and support him for so long.  It also helps that I get along well with her husband and another of their friends who is usually part of our gatherings.  

I talked to my guy about the situation once, and he expressed surprise about my impression, but he listened and did not make me feel wrong for my thoughts.  I did not ask for him to do anything about the situation - I was just bringing it to his attention what my impression was.  I think most of the change in how things are with her now came from my own choice of how to view the situation and her actions.  My boyfriend doesn't give me any reason to feel he's disloyal to me and he doesn't act inappropriately with her. I accepted that how she acts was something for me to come to terms with. I think he also realizes the effort and choice I've made and appreciates it.

I understand that you feel you have been treated badly, and I understand that you stand firmly by your position that your boyfriend should do something about it.  I just wanted to mention that I might have a small inkling of what you're feeling, but then again maybe the situations are very different.  Hard to say with only limited information. 

If you feel your boyfriend is not supporting you, then that's probably not something you're going to get past.  You just need to weigh everything and decide whether you want to try and work within the existing parameters or not.  You're the one who has to live with the situation, in the end it doesn't really matter what anyone else would do.

[Betty8]

12 minutes ago, FMW said:

My boyfriend of 4 years has a friend couple with whom I've had issues over the years with the wife.  I actually made a post about it once.  I (and others) see her as too possessive/proprietary with him, and at times she says things to me that I feel are "putting me in my place" since they've known him longer than I have and were there to support him during his wife's long battle with cancer and eventual death.  Those comments are much less common now, but the general feeling will always be there.  

After 4 years we generally get along pretty well now, even have fun together (as a group), seeing each other about once a month, occasionally twice.  I doubt we'll ever hang out together just the two of us, but I have learned to accept her (including how she is with him), and I believe she has done the same with me.   I accept they are important to him and because I love him I'm grateful they have been there to love and support him for so long.  It also helps that I get along well with her husband and another of their friends who is usually part of our gatherings.  

I talked to my guy about the situation once, and he expressed surprise about my impression, but he listened and did not make me feel wrong for my thoughts.  I did not ask for him to do anything about the situation - I was just bringing it to his attention what my impression was.  I think most of the change in how things are with her now came from my own choice of how to view the situation and her actions.  My boyfriend doesn't give me any reason to feel he's disloyal to me and he doesn't act inappropriately with her. I accepted that how she acts was something for me to come to terms with. I think he also realizes the effort and choice I've made and appreciates it.

I understand that you feel you have been treated badly, and I understand that you stand firmly by your position that your boyfriend should do something about it.  I just wanted to mention that I might have a small inkling of what you're feeling, but then again maybe the situations are very different.  Hard to say with only limited information. 

If you feel your boyfriend is not supporting you, then that's probably not something you're going to get past.  You just need to weigh everything and decide whether you want to try and work within the existing parameters or not.  You're the one who has to live with the situation, in the end it doesn't really matter what anyone else would do.

Thank you very much for sharing. ❤️

It’s a contrast as I’ve always been with the needy alpha like his friend the husband, and  now I’m with a more true alpha - at least many traits but also introverted like me . Hard to believe for an extrovert but a house full is my idea of hell, I know some girls have suggested I’m jealous and I’ve explored it myself but I’m not. I see in her a mix of how I was with the bully side that I never had, I hurt myself instead, but was equally unstable. 
Anyway my partner is very laid back but almost too laid back, I’m not used to it I suppose, I’m used to fire and dominance by force much like this couple. I’d never want to be with anyone else or like my exes again. I like peace.   It feels disloyal at times of him, but is probably a good calm to my storm, and he naturally inspires people instead of engineering. Not sure if I’m making sense.  I feel more positive tonight, just sometimes wish he’d stand for something, me, himself instead of keeping the peace. 
Really appreciate the comments, your wife sounds much less triggered by you but triggered all the same. I’m impressed you’ve kept them around, glad it worked out. 
We may move away anyway so I really need to see this as temporary issue and get over it I think x 

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8

[Alpacalia]

Myself and some others commented on jealousy **possibly** being an issue from your end because you've mentioned your attractiveness level a few times and have had negative things to say about this woman or trying to keep you out of things with the mention of her possibly being competitive or threatened by you.

Being attractive doesn't mean people will make up stories or harm you.

I've mentioned that you sound like you're experiencing some low self esteem, more evidenced by thinking very superficially of yourself than anything else, and during this conversation I've been trying to steer you to think introspectively rather than about others. Don't get overly absorbed in her behavior. Giving into those thoughts is going to lead you to wearing blinders and trying to do something so that you're liked by one person or another, and female friendships are nothing like that.

This whole idea around her being an "attractive" woman, and you being an "attractive" woman and her husband and him being alphas. I don't really buy into a lot of this hierarchical dominance game that's played around relationships. None of this alpha dependency garbage is true with people, male or female.

Stop questioning the source and putting thought into any of what's there, and figuring out why your partner is not taking a leading role in this peer group. It's not in your business to do, you feminize him by trying to work with it and you're trying to hold onto an image of him by constructing these hierarchies and trying to argue it/work it out with strangers here.

If anything, people have different personalities and some are more 3D than others. But there are a lot more layers to a person's personality than just introverted and extroverted. Plenty of my friends, colleagues and acquaintances are introverted. Doesn't stop us from communicating or experiencing basic human interaction, or opening up even if it's not about ourselves or keeping up with people.

Maybe he's too passive, and you're too triggered and both of you just have bad boundaries (he's supporting them, you keep following their activities); as a result, are having bad communication overall.

I don't say that as a means of patting them on the back and being like yeah she's right and you're wrong and this situation isn't her fault it's yours.

There is another aspect of course and that is that you've allowed this woman to have so much of a hold on you. So now you're kind of searching for an explanation as to why she wasn't connecting with you that might make more sense for you coping with later if you find out a lot of things about her might be incorrect. It's a trickle down of why you care, and your hurt might be about why you care rather than what you care about.

All that would matter is how YOU are feeling... If I were you, if the opportunity always presents itself like this for your partner to speak of when you're going to get together and should I establish boundaries and how... Take it. I also think allowing yourself to say it's just going to blow over isn't going to work for you because it's fundamentally something you know at the time isn't true and is brushing off a known known, one that always leaves you freaking fuming!

Figure out what works for you best, and then be as honest as possible with yourself. Your partner may be avoiding it for his ego and fear of losing such close friends, and that's on him.

Only he knows the landscape best, but she may respond to being addressed, and the world might even stay intact afterwards. 

Edited October 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I think most of the change in how things are with her now came from my own choice of how to view the situation and her actions. 

Exactly. I think this is what the posters here are trying to point out. 
 

OP, you’re interpreting her actions in the worst possible manner labeling them as bullying and also lamenting your boyfriends for not supporting you. You’re taking a situation that like a 5 on the egregiousness scale and making it a 10 to the point of breaking up.

And all this talk of Alpha and “true” Alpha is just weird. And irrelevant. However I suspect you were raised in a chaotic environment and therefore your boyfriends calm peacemaking feels off to you, even though it’s a much more emotionally healthy way of dealing with things than your extreme reactions.

Individual therapy for you is likely the healthy option here rather than avoidance of the friend / house or ending your relationship. Your call ultimately, but running from your problems usually leads to a life of running away. And I suspect your relationship history bears this out. 

[Betty8]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Myself and some others commented on jealousy **possibly** being an issue from your end because you've mentioned your attractiveness level a few times and have had negative things to say about this woman or trying to keep you out of things with the mention of her possibly being competitive or threatened by you.

Being attractive doesn't mean people will make up stories or harm you.

I've mentioned that you sound like you're experiencing some low self esteem, more evidenced by thinking very superficially of yourself than anything else, and during this conversation I've been trying to steer you to think introspectively rather than about others. Don't get overly absorbed in her behavior or overanalyze yourself. Giving into those thoughts is going to lead you to wearing blinders and trying to do something so that you're liked by one person or another, and female friendships are nothing like that.

This whole idea around her being an "attractive" woman, and you being an "attractive" woman and her husband and him being alphas. I don't really buy into a lot of this hierarchical dominance game that's played around relationships. None of this alpha dependency garbage is true with people, male or female.

Stop questioning the source and putting thought into any of what's there, and figuring out why your partner is not taking a leading role in this peer group. It's not in your business to do, you feminize him by trying to work with it and you're trying to hold onto an image of him by constructing these hierarchies and trying to argue it/work it out with strangers here.

If anything, people have different personalities and some are more 3D than others. But there are a lot more layers to a person's personality than just introverted and extroverted. Plenty of my friends, colleagues and acquaintances are introverted. Doesn't stop us from communicating or experiencing basic human interaction, or opening up even if it's not about ourselves or keeping up with people.

Maybe he's too passive, and you're too triggered and both of you just have bad boundaries (he's supporting them, you keep following their activities); as a result, are having bad communication overall.

I don't say that as a means of patting them on the back and being like yeah she's right and you're wrong and this situation isn't her fault it's yours.

There is another aspect of course and that is that you've allowed this woman to have so much of a hold on you. So now you're kind of searching for an explanation as to why she wasn't connecting with you that might make more sense for you coping with later if you find out a lot of things about her might be incorrect. It's a trickle down of why you care, and your hurt might be about why you care rather than what you care about.

All that would matter is how YOU are feeling... If I were you, if the opportunity always presents itself like this for your partner to speak of when you're going to get together and should I establish boundaries and how... Take it. I also think allowing yourself to say it's just going to blow over isn't going to work for you because it's fundamentally something you know at the time isn't true and is brushing off a known known, one that always leaves you freaking fuming!

Figure out what works for you best, and then be as honest as possible with yourself. Your partner may be avoiding it for his ego and fear of losing such close friends, and that's on him.

Only he knows the landscape best, but she may respond to being addressed, and the world might even stay intact afterwards. 

Interesting, but I said so much I don’t know why you are clinging to passing comments I made. There are hierarchies in social groups, like it or not we are animals. Part of this is attraction, and all the other things I also said.  I’m a therapist and I’m quite independent with alpha traits so I don’t fit in to groups as I don’t follow need to lead. That’s why this has happened mainly, but I do seek to understand others, it’s how I am m and helps me navigate life and people. I’m very empathetic and intuitive.  
 

I’ve tried to speak to her she denies and avoids, I’m imagining it etc, so not much to be done with that but superficial and keep myself safe, as they are anti social traits. I can deal with brief interactions, they usually consist of control attempts in different ways. 
 

I don’t really care about her, but I think we established his lack of boundaries with her, made me feel unsafe. I’m quite submissive with my men, and I need to feel safe. I know it’s 2023, but I’m all about polarity not the uk one sex ideal , we are all different. 
 

He avoids as his parent both avoided conflict and attacked him, and he learnt to do that to survive like many of us and why I prefer to avoid manipulative people.

I do think we have something special but I’m worried that while we are both healing ti have a secure attachment these relics from the past life, are not helping! 
 

I just want to be happy and be around happy people really. 

[Betty8]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Myself and some others commented on jealousy **possibly** being an issue from your end because you've mentioned your attractiveness level a few times and have had negative things to say about this woman or trying to keep you out of things with the mention of her possibly being competitive or threatened by you.

Being attractive doesn't mean people will make up stories or harm you.

I've mentioned that you sound like you're experiencing some low self esteem, more evidenced by thinking very superficially of yourself than anything else, and during this conversation I've been trying to steer you to think introspectively rather than about others. Don't get overly absorbed in her behavior. Giving into those thoughts is going to lead you to wearing blinders and trying to do something so that you're liked by one person or another, and female friendships are nothing like that.

This whole idea around her being an "attractive" woman, and you being an "attractive" woman and her husband and him being alphas. I don't really buy into a lot of this hierarchical dominance game that's played around relationships. None of this alpha dependency garbage is true with people, male or female.

Stop questioning the source and putting thought into any of what's there, and figuring out why your partner is not taking a leading role in this peer group. It's not in your business to do, you feminize him by trying to work with it and you're trying to hold onto an image of him by constructing these hierarchies and trying to argue it/work it out with strangers here.

If anything, people have different personalities and some are more 3D than others. But there are a lot more layers to a person's personality than just introverted and extroverted. Plenty of my friends, colleagues and acquaintances are introverted. Doesn't stop us from communicating or experiencing basic human interaction, or opening up even if it's not about ourselves or keeping up with people.

Maybe he's too passive, and you're too triggered and both of you just have bad boundaries (he's supporting them, you keep following their activities); as a result, are having bad communication overall.

I don't say that as a means of patting them on the back and being like yeah she's right and you're wrong and this situation isn't her fault it's yours.

There is another aspect of course and that is that you've allowed this woman to have so much of a hold on you. So now you're kind of searching for an explanation as to why she wasn't connecting with you that might make more sense for you coping with later if you find out a lot of things about her might be incorrect. It's a trickle down of why you care, and your hurt might be about why you care rather than what you care about.

All that would matter is how YOU are feeling... If I were you, if the opportunity always presents itself like this for your partner to speak of when you're going to get together and should I establish boundaries and how... Take it. I also think allowing yourself to say it's just going to blow over isn't going to work for you because it's fundamentally something you know at the time isn't true and is brushing off a known known, one that always leaves you freaking fuming!

Figure out what works for you best, and then be as honest as possible with yourself. Your partner may be avoiding it for his ego and fear of losing such close friends, and that's on him.

Only he knows the landscape best, but she may respond to being addressed, and the world might even stay intact afterwards. 

I’m only ever authentic x

[Betty8]

15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Exactly. I think this is what the posters here are trying to point out. 
 

OP, you’re interpreting her actions in the worst possible manner labeling them as bullying and also lamenting your boyfriends for not supporting you. You’re taking a situation that like a 5 on the egregiousness scale and making it a 10 to the point of breaking up.

And all this talk of Alpha and “true” Alpha is just weird. And irrelevant. However I suspect you were raised in a chaotic environment and therefore your boyfriends calm peacemaking feels off to you, even though it’s a much more emotionally healthy way of dealing with things than your extreme reactions.

Individual therapy for you is likely the healthy option here rather than avoidance of the friend / house or ending your relationship. Your call ultimately, but running from your problems usually leads to a life of running away. And I suspect your relationship history bears this out. 

Yes there is that, I raised this earlier in my post just now. I am a therapist and I do therapy, I’ve booked sessions every day this week. It’s possible I need to feel safer with him than I do, and I maybe need stronger,  Equally I do think our peace is perfect and her chaos towards me is triggering my past and I want to get away from it. 
 

Quite astute well done. 

[Betty8]

5 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

Interesting, but I said so much I don’t know why you are clinging to passing comments I made. There are hierarchies in social groups, like it or not we are animals. Part of this is attraction, and all the other things I also said.  I’m a therapist and I’m quite independent with alpha traits so I don’t fit in to groups as I don’t follow need to lead. That’s why this has happened mainly, but I do seek to understand others, it’s how I am m and helps me navigate life and people. I’m very empathetic and intuitive.  
 

I’ve tried to speak to her she denies and avoids, I’m imagining it etc, so not much to be done with that but superficial and keep myself safe, as they are anti social traits. I can deal with brief interactions, they usually consist of control attempts in different ways. 
 

I don’t really care about her, but I think we established his lack of boundaries with her, made me feel unsafe. I’m quite submissive with my men, and I need to feel safe. I know it’s 2023, but I’m all about polarity not the uk one sex ideal , we are all different. 
 

He avoids as his parent both avoided conflict and attacked him, and he learnt to do that to survive like many of us and why I prefer to avoid manipulative people.

I do think we have something special but I’m worried that while we are both healing ti have a secure attachment these relics from the past life, are not helping! 
 

I just want to be happy and be around happy people really. 

All my friends are secure alphas or independent like me, these days, there’s no drama ever. So I like them a lot x 

[Betty8]

34 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Myself and some others commented on jealousy **possibly** being an issue from your end because you've mentioned your attractiveness level a few times and have had negative things to say about this woman or trying to keep you out of things with the mention of her possibly being competitive or threatened by you.

Being attractive doesn't mean people will make up stories or harm you.

I've mentioned that you sound like you're experiencing some low self esteem, more evidenced by thinking very superficially of yourself than anything else, and during this conversation I've been trying to steer you to think introspectively rather than about others. Don't get overly absorbed in her behavior. Giving into those thoughts is going to lead you to wearing blinders and trying to do something so that you're liked by one person or another, and female friendships are nothing like that.

This whole idea around her being an "attractive" woman, and you being an "attractive" woman and her husband and him being alphas. I don't really buy into a lot of this hierarchical dominance game that's played around relationships. None of this alpha dependency garbage is true with people, male or female.

Stop questioning the source and putting thought into any of what's there, and figuring out why your partner is not taking a leading role in this peer group. It's not in your business to do, you feminize him by trying to work with it and you're trying to hold onto an image of him by constructing these hierarchies and trying to argue it/work it out with strangers here.

If anything, people have different personalities and some are more 3D than others. But there are a lot more layers to a person's personality than just introverted and extroverted. Plenty of my friends, colleagues and acquaintances are introverted. Doesn't stop us from communicating or experiencing basic human interaction, or opening up even if it's not about ourselves or keeping up with people.

Maybe he's too passive, and you're too triggered and both of you just have bad boundaries (he's supporting them, you keep following their activities); as a result, are having bad communication overall.

I don't say that as a means of patting them on the back and being like yeah she's right and you're wrong and this situation isn't her fault it's yours.

There is another aspect of course and that is that you've allowed this woman to have so much of a hold on you. So now you're kind of searching for an explanation as to why she wasn't connecting with you that might make more sense for you coping with later if you find out a lot of things about her might be incorrect. It's a trickle down of why you care, and your hurt might be about why you care rather than what you care about.

All that would matter is how YOU are feeling... If I were you, if the opportunity always presents itself like this for your partner to speak of when you're going to get together and should I establish boundaries and how... Take it. I also think allowing yourself to say it's just going to blow over isn't going to work for you because it's fundamentally something you know at the time isn't true and is brushing off a known known, one that always leaves you freaking fuming!

Figure out what works for you best, and then be as honest as possible with yourself. Your partner may be avoiding it for his ego and fear of losing such close friends, and that's on him.

Only he knows the landscape best, but she may respond to being addressed, and the world might even stay intact afterwards. 

I’m trying to think how it’s a 5, and not a 10, I don’t know I’m struggling with that but I am trying to be open minded and understand what you’re saying and I do appreciate your time saying this x 

[basil67]

37 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

All my friends are secure alphas or independent like me, these days, there’s no drama ever. So I like them a lot x 

Kindly, you're not sounding much like an independent Alpha right now....and that's OK.   Perhaps this hierarchy stuff is nonsense and you're simply a regular person who's understandably feeling excluded and hurt by another person who you can't avoid.   Labels like this are such a flawed way of thinking.

 

 

Edited October 13, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

 I like them a lot.

Is your BF on your case to be friends with these people? Why do you feel pressured or upset about not wanting to be friends with her? 

If you can't stand this particular woman, why bother with her? Why not just avoid them and associate with your own friends?

Has your BF met any of your friends and family? Does he get along with them? 

[Betty8]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, you're not sounding much like an independent Alpha right now....and that's OK.   Perhaps this hierarchy stuff is nonsense and you're simply a regular person who's understandably feeling excluded and hurt by another person who you can't avoid.   Labels like this are such a flawed way of thinking.

 

 

I didn’t say I was alpha. I’m feeling triggered and sad yes.  

[Betty8]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is your BF on your case to be friends with these people? Why do you feel pressured or upset about not wanting to be friends with her? 

If you can't stand this particular woman, why bother with her? Why not just avoid them and associate with your own friends?

Has your BF met any of your friends and family? Does he get along with them? 

Yes he wants us to all get on, and hang out together. 
 

Yes we’ve met most of both sides and that’s all ok. He prefers his friends if I’m honest, and doing what he wants to do but tries to make an effort. I actively love meeting new people normally, and like hanging out with all his friends and family and mine . Just a shame this situation and his friends main venue x

Edited October 13, 2023 by Denise8

[Weezy1973]

Just now, Denise8 said:

I’m feeling triggered and sad yes.  

This is why you’re making it a “10”. It’s triggered your past trauma. It’s an extreme reaction to a rather mundane situation. This is what you have to explore with your therapist. 

[Betty8]

Just now, Weezy1973 said:

This is why you’re making it a “10”. It’s triggered your past trauma. It’s an extreme reaction to a rather mundane situation. This is what you have to explore with your therapist. 

Yes that’s what we decided, we also agreed she’s also been extremely unpleasant and I don’t have to put up with it x 

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

I didn’t say I was alpha. I’m feeling triggered and sad yes.  

Sorry, I misread your post.  You have alpha friends but you're the independent one!

[Betty8]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sorry, I misread your post.  You have alpha friends but you're the independent one!

I’m sure I’ve got all the traits but I am intelligent and have the Leo in me along with all the other things. My friends are either like me or stronger x 

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Denise8 said:

There are hierarchies in social groups, like it or not we are animals. Part of this is attraction, and all the other things I also said.  I’m a therapist and I’m quite independent with alpha traits so I don’t fit in to groups as I don’t follow need to lead. 

Even in professional animal behaviorism, "Alpha theory" has been debunked.  

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Denise8 said:

Yes he wants us to all get on, and hang out together. 

That would be nice, however you need to have boundaries. Have you explained that you dislike her company? If so he shouldn't be shoving these people or this woman down your throat.

One of the worst things people do is try to force people to like each other, which of course backfires.  The problem is your BF. Be clear that you don't enjoy her company and he can be with his friends without you suffering through it.

There's absolutely no reason you have to like or hang out with people you dislike. When he's with them just use this as time for yourself to spend as you wish with people you get along with. 

[Betty8]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Even in professional animal behaviorism, "Alpha theory" has been debunked.  

 

In terms of an alpha being a team player you mean? So they are both strong and inspire and look after their group, rather than with an iron fist?  That’s certainly true and if you look at animals too, but they are the toughest. Anyway, we can agree to disagree. 

[Betty8]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That would be nice, however you need to have boundaries. Have you explained that you dislike her company? If so he shouldn't be shoving these people or this woman down your throat.

One of the worst things people do is try to force people to like each other, which of course backfires.  The problem is your BF. Be clear that you don't enjoy her company and he can be with his friends without you suffering through it.

There's absolutely no reason you have to like or hang out with people you dislike. When he's with them just use this as time for yourself to spend as you wish with people you get along with. 

Well that has been my take certainly for a whole year, since I decided I’d had enough. Thing is I do enjoy his other friends, I just think this woman had issues and doesn’t want me there. 
it’s just that my partner is a remarkable man and so his friend is clinging on hard and has maybe told his wife to try and make an effort, as his friend doesn’t go there very much anymore or for long. So she’s changed tactic now and after three years says she wants to get on with me as I’m special to him, and presumably as she hasn’t scared me off.  So all she says now is where is Emma, wish she came, and so he’s taking it on face value. I honestly just think she’s realised she looks like a b**** and her husband is making her … but obviously she could have replied when I messaged her on Facebook 18 months ago to meet to sort this out for his sake, or taken my number from him, or included me on all her Whattsap event groups but she doesn’t.

My partner knows I’m not keen but he says if he was me he’d go and have fun, and just ignore her being pathetic.  I’m quite sensitive and while I’d love to clear this up, I don’t like bad vibes and they only seem interested in me going to them. Not a meal or similar all four of us… and I suspect that’s because they wont be in control.  I don’t know her husband is always telling everyone what to do, and she likes being the host. I’m at a loss honestly, I’ve tried. I went there a year ago and she took the piss out of me, when she knew he’d asked her to apologise, I think I’m barking up the wrong tree. 
 

I love me time, I do Pilates, yoga, see my friends, make jewellery, see my animals and horse etc 

Just a shame all his friends congregate there and don’t seem to go out much ! 

[basil67]

@Denise8 I wonder what it is with all the friends going to their place?  Perhaps she knows she wouldn't get away with being mean if the gathering was elsewhere?   What happens if someone else offers to host?

[Betty8]

11 minutes ago, Denise8 said:

Well that has been my take certainly for a whole year, since I decided I’d had enough. Thing is I do enjoy his other friends, I just think this woman had issues and doesn’t want me there. 
it’s just that my partner is a remarkable man and so his friend is clinging on hard and has maybe told his wife to try and make an effort, as his friend doesn’t go there very much anymore or for long. So she’s changed tactic now and after three years says she wants to get on with me as I’m special to him, and presumably as she hasn’t scared me off.  So all she says now is where is Emma, wish she came, and so he’s taking it on face value. I honestly just think she’s realised she looks like a b**** and her husband is making her … but obviously she could have replied when I messaged her on Facebook 18 months ago to meet to sort this out for his sake, or taken my number from him, or included me on all her Whattsap event groups but she doesn’t.

My partner knows I’m not keen but he says if he was me he’d go and have fun, and just ignore her being pathetic.  I’m quite sensitive and while I’d love to clear this up, I don’t like bad vibes and they only seem interested in me going to them. Not a meal or similar all four of us… and I suspect that’s because they wont be in control.  I don’t know her husband is always telling everyone what to do, and she likes being the host. I’m at a loss honestly, I’ve tried. I went there a year ago and she took the piss out of me, when she knew he’d asked her to apologise, I think I’m barking up the wrong tree. 
 

I love me time, I do Pilates, yoga, see my friends, make jewellery, see my animals and horse etc 

Just a shame all his friends congregate there and don’t seem to go out much ! 

I think there is no alpha in dogs tho… 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That would be nice, however you need to have boundaries. Have you explained that you dislike her company? If so he shouldn't be shoving these people or this woman down your throat.

One of the worst things people do is try to force people to like each other, which of course backfires.  The problem is your BF. Be clear that you don't enjoy her company and he can be with his friends without you suffering through it.

There's absolutely no reason you have to like or hang out with people you dislike. When he's with them just use this as time for yourself to spend as you wish with people you get along with. 

This is so true.  My husband has a mate who I was OK with, but I couldn't stand his wife due to her endless complaining.  It got to the point where he wanted them over for dinner, and I firmly stated my case but hubby pushed it and insisted I be there.  Now, I have a very slow temper...and I've never yelled at my husband.  But halfway though the night, I completely lost my s*** at her and tore strips off about her endless complaining.  It was terrible for everybody.  It wasn't cool that I was made to be in her presence, and it wasn't fair to her that she was put in the situation either.

I worry that if your husband keeps trying to make this work, that you too may find yourself getting (quite reasonably!) upset at her and then the whole thing implodes.  It's so unfortunate that they get together so often because it makes it much harder for you to deal with

Edited October 14, 2023 by basil67

[Betty8]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Denise8 I wonder what it is with all the friends going to their place?  Perhaps she knows she wouldn't get away with being mean if the gathering was elsewhere?   What happens if someone else offers to host?

Yes this. He bought a large house in the middle of a remote area, and so more space partly. If they go anywhere else he complains and they both just invite everyone back to theirs… she blanks me but then in front of him says oh are you coming back? 😂 I actually don’t think her husband knows what she does honestly, which is why I asked my partner if he’d told him but I think he’s worried she might fancy him as why else would you do this? and doesn’t say anything to rock their marriage. They have small kids and just to say I trust my partner completely. His father was lead singer in a band and always cheated on his mother, he’s not That man.

Yes I do think they don’t like not being hosts. He refuses to go anywhere else as he says he likes being at home mainly or goes and complains

Edited October 14, 2023 by Denise8