Author lillylola Posted October 12, 2023 Author Share Posted October 12, 2023 1 minute ago, introverted1 said: So you've created a blended family with him and his children and you and your children AND you bought a house together but he isn't sure he wants to marry you? What sort of legal agreement do you have about the division of assets (including the house) in the likely event you do not marry and one of you wants to move out? Well, he’s very explicit in that he WANTS to marry me, but he doesn’t has a certain timeframe on it. ‘Between now and a couple of years’ might be the most accurate indication. He says because of the fact that he sometimes misses the ‘togetherness’ and me being ‘pretty independent’ and we did have some arguments, he wants that to go smoothly first. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 It definitely seems to be all about what "he" wants. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 4 minutes ago, lillylola said: Well, he’s very explicit in that he WANTS to marry me, but he doesn’t has a certain timeframe on it. ‘Between now and a couple of years’ might be the most accurate indication. He says because of the fact that he sometimes misses the ‘togetherness’ and me being ‘pretty independent’ and we did have some arguments, he wants that to go smoothly first. You didn't address what sort of legal protections you have put in place for the day when one of you wants to move out. A guy who doesn't see marriage as a precursor to buying a house together and/or blending families is probably not a guy in any hurry to get married. How old are your kids? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 14 minutes ago, lillylola said: He says because of the fact that he sometimes misses the ‘togetherness’ and me being ‘pretty independent’ and we did have some arguments, he wants that to go smoothly first. So marriage depends on how you will behave in the next little while. He likes togetherness but you're independent so he doesn't like that about you, and you had a few arguments so again questioning your character BUT, he was able to put all of that aside to buy a house with you, and as per him buying a house is a huge commitment so...what's his problem? It makes no sense. About the children: you live together, his kids come over, your kids come over, what's the difference between now and when you'll get married? All of your lives are already tangled together. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 (edited) 27 minutes ago, lillylola said: , he wants that to go smoothly first. Are you sure this isn't gaslighting? It's a stall tactic and a way to play carrot and stick to get the behavior out of you he wants. Who buys a house with someone "to see if it goes smoothly"? Unfortunately all you can do is make the best of it and take care of yourself and your children. His commitment is to a bank. Living together is a sexual, financial and household convenience. Please protect yourself and your children financially and otherwise. Edited October 12, 2023 by Wiseman2 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 12, 2023 Share Posted October 12, 2023 34 minutes ago, lillylola said: we did have some arguments, he wants that to go smoothly first. Does he expect you not to argue with him if he marries you? That is not realistic. All couples argue from time to time because there will be disagreements. What are you saying to him when he says these ridiculous things? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 7 hours ago, lillylola said: Well, he’s very explicit in that he WANTS to marry me, but he doesn’t has a certain timeframe on it. ‘Between now and a couple of years’ might be the most accurate indication. He says because of the fact that he sometimes misses the ‘togetherness’ and me being ‘pretty independent’ and we did have some arguments, he wants that to go smoothly first. What have you said to him? I think an issue is in what you are showing him. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 10 hours ago, lillylola said: Yes, but because he mentioned he wanted to get married a few times, I thougt we were on the same page. He "mentioned" wanting to get married "a few times" so you "thought" you were on the same page? That is not a very good reason to decide to buy a house together. You also said that you "mentioned" travel and maybe "a wedding." Weddings are parties. Marriage is a lifetime of commitment, at least that's the idea. It appears that the two of you have not really discussed the future and you are doing exactly what he said he doesn't want to do: Blundering forward. It's very unwise to buy a house with someone you are dating and have no solid future plans with. 5 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 (edited) Basic things like age, prior marriages and financial status should imo have been provided from the jump if you want accurate and relevant advice. It almost seems like things are being left out purposely. Then information like you two having kids shouldn't be trickled out, those are details that really dive into the mental status behind the goals of dating. People are going in on the man but you're an adult in this situation too. You're required to make the situation makes sense just as he is. I personally don't comprehend how people feel okay to buy houses together without marriage. Particularly after less than 2 years. That makes it seem like there is some codependency going on because that's a rush to buy a house and now a rush to marry. And you say he feels inadequate at times and label yourself as independent. That sounds like you make more than him and possibly are non traditional because I don't see being independent as some sort of attribute. You're an adult with children, who else would you be dependent on? If you just bought the house I agree that maybe there should be a cool off period before discussing marriage. Buying a house is overwhelming and I think it's better to do big things in stages. And within this time, make sure you two are actually fulfilling each other's needs opposed to thinking everything's good because of some cute words of assurance. Edited October 13, 2023 by CollinW 5 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 12 hours ago, smackie9 said: I get it people need a trial run before stepping into a commitment like a marriage. You just moved in together, and you are both adjusting. I agree with him, should wait and see. They just moved in together ... but they BOUGHT THE HOUSE together, with zero long term plans to share their lives. Living together in a rental would have been a good plan. 12 hours ago, smackie9 said: I have one suggestion...do not comingle your money. It's a bit late for that ... since they co-own their home now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maldives Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 Seems like you both have different goals around marriage personally I think it's a bit too soon to get married or to have bought a house together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 Many (most?) couples would consider 1.5 years together too early for planning a marriage. So yes, it's a bit weird to have these expectations. With this in mind, it wasn't the wisest decision to buy a house together without formally discussing each other's timelines and seeing if they match....but what's done is done. Now that you've signed a mortgage with him, have you done your wills? As @Gaeta mentioned, you want to find out if his children are his beneficiaries when he dies. It's certainly the case that in the unlikely event that I bought a house with a new partner, my children would remain my as primary beneficiaries. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
60plus Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 Yeah that's a no win situation, time to bail and find someone who can appreciate you for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 13, 2023 Author Share Posted October 13, 2023 Hi everyone, I wanted to give a small update. My bf and I discussed the topic yesterday again. He said that he really wants to marry me. He said he originally had a 'dreamscenario' in mind of buying a house together, take some time to mingle our families, enjoying each other and than propose after about 9 to 12 months of living together HAPPILY. He says he still sees happening, but what he does need is for us to have a quiet period without turmoil/conflict, because we had more conflicts last two months because we were stressed-out. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, lillylola said: , enjoying each other and than propose after about 9 to 12 months of living together HAPPILY Of course you had a difficult 2 months you just bought a house!! Those are normal stressors of life! There will always be stressors challenging you as a couple: repairs, maintenance, high taxes, kids not getting along, job loss, death in the family, health issues, the important thing is your ability to go through it as a couple. Who's idea it was to buy a house? Did your boyfriend own a house before? What's the issue in your relationship? Edited October 13, 2023 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 4 hours ago, lillylola said: Hi everyone, I wanted to give a small update. My bf and I discussed the topic yesterday again. He said that he really wants to marry me. He said he originally had a 'dreamscenario' in mind of buying a house together, take some time to mingle our families, enjoying each other and than propose after about 9 to 12 months of living together HAPPILY. He says he still sees happening, but what he does need is for us to have a quiet period without turmoil/conflict, because we had more conflicts last two months because we were stressed-out. So you are ok with blending your families and then finding out later that this guy does not want to marry? Someone waiting for a "dream scenario" to come true is someone who is not ready for marriage, either because he does not want marriage at all or because he recognizes he does not want marriage with you but he's not ready to pull the plug yet. How old are the children? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 13, 2023 Author Share Posted October 13, 2023 19 minutes ago, introverted1 said: So you are ok with blending your families and then finding out later that this guy does not want to marry? Someone waiting for a "dream scenario" to come true is someone who is not ready for marriage, either because he does not want marriage at all or because he recognizes he does not want marriage with you but he's not ready to pull the plug yet. How old are the children? He DOES wants to marry. If he didnt want too, he would not have mentioned it 3 times and telling me 2 months ago that he wants is. The only 'problem' is that there was uncertainty/unclarity about the timeframe. With 'dreamscenario' I mean: the scenario as he had planned it for us and the way it was in his head originally without us having conversations about it. If we would leave it up to him, he said, his ideal situation would be to live together for about 9 to 12 months and then propose. We just bought a house, he's really excited about it and me too. We're in the middle of blending our families so I definitely don't believe he wants to pull the plug. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 10 minutes ago, lillylola said: He DOES wants to marry. If he didnt want too, he would not have mentioned it 3 times and telling me 2 months ago that he wants is. The only 'problem' is that there was uncertainty/unclarity about the timeframe. So why this thread if you're so sure about him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 13, 2023 Author Share Posted October 13, 2023 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: So why this thread if you're so sure about him? Because I wasnt sure about him. I think I wasnt clear enough and he was sending mixedsignals, so I didnt know what to think. He was clearer yesterday (his ideal is living together for 9-12 months, than proposal/marriage). If he had told that earlier on, it would have been clearer. On my side, I guess I wasnt clear enough to him too. He said to me yesterday: but if this is how you feel about marriage, why didnt you told me before? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 (edited) 30 minutes ago, lillylola said: He was clearer yesterday (his ideal is living together for 9-12 months, than proposal/marriage) But that's NOT what he said lillylola. He said you have to have at least 9-12 months of living *happily* together before he propose. That means, in my understanding, you 2 have had some relationship issues so he's uncertain about a marriage. For a marriage to happen you'd have to go 9-12 months without issues...that is not the same as him proposing in 12 months. What if you have a big issue in 6 months? Then the clock goes back to 0 and you need to start over on that 12 months of free issue? You're seeing the part you're only wanting to see. His words: than propose after about 9 to 12 months of living together HAPPILY. He says he still sees happening, but what he does need is for us to have a quiet period without turmoil/conflict Edited October 13, 2023 by Gaeta 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 He doesn't want to marry you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 21 hours ago, introverted1 said: How old are your kids? 2 hours ago, introverted1 said: How old are the children? Is there a reason you avoid answering this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 2 hours ago, lillylola said: He DOES wants to marry. If he didnt want too, he would not have mentioned it 3 times and telling me 2 months ago that he wants is. Flip that around: If he DID want to marry you, he would have done so. Or at least proposed. Instead, he's set up a moving target -- living together with no arguments for 9-12 months -- so he has a plausible reason never to propose. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 @introverted1: As per her posting history all kids involved are under 10 yo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 (edited) You were not taking good care of yourself and your child by entering into this financial union without first having resolved issues that evidently need to be taken care of BEFORE your boyfriend will consider marriage with you. Even without issues that both of you know are standing in your way - 1.5 years of dating is not very long, especially since you both have children to consider. I don't want to harangue you about this house purchase and timeline, but I really would like to know what you were thinking when you decided to do this NOW. He's calling all the shots. At this point the shots include some kind of "dreamscenario" that hinges on existing issues being resolved. I don't want to pile on the guy - but it seems like a setup for YOU to be "walking on eggshells." YOU are the one who is anxious to be married - hence, this thread. HE is the one who is making conditions that YOU must meet in order for him to marry you. Does this mean that you will not be free to express your feelings or bring up uncomfortable topics in your relationship, since that will upset the "9-12 months" of smooth, conflict free happiness he has decided upon as a condition? Frankly, it sounds like both of you have been making decisions based on "dreams," hopes and fantasy without really dealing with reality. What happens when / if these issues are NOT resolved, but you are financially enmeshed to this extent? This is a serious question. Right now he does not want to get married with you, but you do have a mortgage together - when do you "know" that marriage is not happening, if it comes to that - and who is going to buy the other out, or have you agreed to sell if this happens, or what? Edited October 13, 2023 by NuevoYorko 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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