Gaeta Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 It's all getting back to me now.... He left his wife and 2 babies (2&4) to be with a woman he had an affair with. What do you think marriage means to this man? 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 15 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It's all getting back to me now.... He left his wife and 2 babies (2&4) to be with a woman he had an affair with. What do you think marriage means to this man? You're right. She said she wasn't the OW he left his wife for back in 2022; but in this thread she says they've been together 1-5 years so it must be her. No, he isn't going to marry up OP, it didn't seem like he was over his wife back then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 13, 2023 Author Share Posted October 13, 2023 1 hour ago, stillafool said: You're right. She said she wasn't the OW he left his wife for back in 2022; but in this thread she says they've been together 1-5 years so it must be her. No, he isn't going to marry up OP, it didn't seem like he was over his wife back then. Ho, just stop here because things are getting really messed up. He didnt split his wife in 2022, he LEFT his GIRLFRIEND with whom he had 2 kids in 2020. He never married the mother of his children because he was sincere never interested in marrying her and she wasnt in marrying him. We met in 2022, so NO i'm not the OW Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 4 minutes ago, lillylola said: We met in 2022, so NO i'm not the OW I apologize for getting it wrong about you being an OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 13, 2023 Author Share Posted October 13, 2023 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: I apologize for getting it wrong about you being an OW. Thats ok but I just wanted to set things straight before it would get constantly misinterpreted/blown out of its true context 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 (edited) The thing is, what if you both DON'T want to marry each other at the end of this? You foolishly just bought a house together. What then? Was there ever a backup plan in the event of? what about Wills? Who will be the beneficiary if one of you passes away? Edited October 13, 2023 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 2 hours ago, lillylola said: He LEFT his GIRLFRIEND with whom he had 2 kids in 2020. He never married the mother of his children because he was sincere never interested in marrying her I guess you've got to give him points for honestly. But if he's the kind of guy who has kids with a woman who he doesn't want to commit to, this doesn't bode well for you. Sweetie, someone's history is really important 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 1 hour ago, basil67 said: if he's the kind of guy who has kids with a woman who he doesn't want to commit to, this doesn't bode well for you. Agree. I may have missed it, but did you get a cohabitation agreement or any other kind of legal protection that would spell out what would happen with this joint asset in the event that you separate or someone passes away? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 (edited) 6 hours ago, introverted1 said: Instead, he's set up a moving target -- living together with no arguments for 9-12 months -- so he has a plausible reason never to propose. Right, because that’s not attainable. There is conflict in every relationship, some more than others but two people can not live harmoniously without any conflict. That’s not a realistic expectation. Add to that the fact that you both have children and you have just moved these children into a home together - there is going to be conflict. He’s just set it up such that it’s your fault if he doesn’t propose in 9-12 months - if he doesn’t propose, it’s because you created too much conflict. You will need to be on your best behavior for the next year if you want a proposal… Edited October 13, 2023 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 (edited) 23 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I may have missed it, but did you get a cohabitation agreement A few of us asked and she's not answering these questions, l think it's safe to assume the answer is no and she's not answering to not have to debate it. Edited October 13, 2023 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 (edited) On 10/12/2023 at 9:58 AM, lillylola said: my boyfriend and I have been together for 1,5 years now. We have a steady relationship, he claims to have ‘never felt something for someone like this before’ I'm curious to know when he started saying he never felt this way before? At 8-9 months dating he was not willing to introduce his children to you and he made you feel like he did not really want you in his life. Here we are 6 months later and you have a house together. It seems everything unraveled very quickly? I have this gut feeling the house was a primary goal here, and you were a mean to obtain it. Edited October 13, 2023 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 4 hours ago, lillylola said: Ho, just stop here because things are getting really messed up. He didnt split his wife in 2022, he LEFT his GIRLFRIEND with whom he had 2 kids in 2020. He never married the mother of his children because he was sincere never interested in marrying her and she wasnt in marrying him. We met in 2022, so NO i'm not the OW In 2022, you wrote that he divorced his wife three years ago. Did he lie to you about being married back then? Or was that a different relationship to the mother of his children? He's not looking very stable at all Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2023 Share Posted October 13, 2023 (edited) On 10/12/2023 at 9:58 AM, lillylola said: I don’t know why, but that sounds to me like he isn’t planning to propose and also has no plans to do so. Trust your instincts. He wanted first and foremost to buy a house together. Do you both earn roughly equally and did you both contribute roughly equally to the down payment? Could either of you afford the house on your own? He has put conditions on the marriage you want so that's not really a proposal. His condition is that you pay half of everything and if you act like he wants you to for at least a year, then maybe he'll want to marry and maybe he'll change the goalposts again. What exactly is the reason you want to get married? Legal and financial benefits? Tradition or religion? The belief that he'll be more faithful or committed? Try to reflect on the reasons and advantages and disadvantages of marrying. Edited October 13, 2023 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2023 Share Posted October 14, 2023 On 10/12/2023 at 3:58 PM, lillylola said: lessen our arguments What is he referring to? What do you two argue about, and how often? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 14, 2023 Share Posted October 14, 2023 OP, are you still reading this thread? It would be great if you'd respond to some of the questions you've been asked. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lillylola Posted October 16, 2023 Author Share Posted October 16, 2023 (edited) Thank you all for your responses! I had a very busy weekend, so I wasnt able to respond quicker. I’ll try to answer some questions you’ve asked: Yes, we do have certain arrangements/a plan that gives us both equal rights in the case that we split or one of us dies. We have made our will, in which we have agreements on what happens with the house, may one of die. We both earn equally the same. He had more savings, so he invested more of his money into the house. Our arguments where about him needing more ‘closeness’ of me, prioritizing our relationship and sometimes he feels like my default mode is to ‘depend on myself’ instead of ‘depend on us’. He would like to feel more ‘us’, and sometimes wondered where he stands in relation to my work, he thinks that I prioritize my work. He wondered how important he was too me. He also had some insecurities, claiming he thinks I’m ‘ out of his league’, that he fears I one day will realize that, and that I’ll leave him. He has a hard time believing he measures up to my ‘standards’. Another thing we had some arguments over was that I am sometimes embarrassed about the way he acts towards other females. Friendly, kind, too inviting. Not in a flirty way, but in a way that makes him vulnerable to get used for emotional intimacy. He was always a very open, sociable and kind person but the downside of that is that it can send ‘wrong signals’. He never realized, he respects my view on that and now really behaves in a different, more distant way. Why marriage is important to me: to me it’s a sign that you both want to be totally committed to each other and that you send this signal out into the rest of the world. Our kids are varying in the ages between 6 and 11. We were very careful with mingling them. Gradually introduced them to each other, we asked how they felt about it a lot. We had another good conversation about marriage. He said he really wants to marry, that he wants ‘everything’ with me and no one else. He thinks I’m the most special person he ever met and he wants to give his all to make us work. The reason why he was evasive was because he thougt that me, asking him about how he looks at marriage, was (another) sign of me being disappointed in him, feeling (again) that he didn’t live up to my (high, all his words) expectations. Edited October 16, 2023 by lillylola Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 16, 2023 Share Posted October 16, 2023 I'm still not getting a sense of your "conflicts." Him feeling insecure is not a conflict; how do you get into regular arguments about it? Is he trying to get you to change your life; for example, stop your career and stay home? Are you starting fights about how he acts with "other females"? Why are you embarrassed about that? Sorry OP but I don't buy your explanation that you are worried he will "get used for emotional intimacy." It seems more likely that you are insecure yourself and have concerns about him getting close to other women. That can be a valid concern for sure but if you are picking on him for just being himself, that's a problem. I would like to have a couple of concrete examples of your arguments. In any case, this situation as it stands looks like this: You want to get married, he is putting conditions on YOU that are related to a "dream scenario" and at the bottom line just require "no arguments." Not that any underlying issues are addressed and resolved - just that you stop talking about them. You are bearing the whole burden of "fixing" things, and yourself, so he will feel like marrying you. He complains that you don't think about "us" and you think too much about yourself - but he is not looking at this as an "us" situation. It's just about you and what you have to do to increase your *CHANCES* of ending up married to this man. What do you think and feel about that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 16, 2023 Share Posted October 16, 2023 Can you give us an example of what he calls you prioritizing your work? Also, this man is not vulnerable emotionally to other women, is that how he explains/justifies his past cheating? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 16, 2023 Share Posted October 16, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, lillylola said: The reason why he was evasive was because he thougt that me, asking him about how he looks at marriage, was sign of me being disappointed in him, feeling that he didn’t live up to my (high, all his words) expectations. Unfortunately you do keep asking him to marry you despite the fact that he thinks of it as "just a piece of paper" and has never married before and simply doesn't believe in it. He got you to buy a house with him and that's what he wants and feels is "a commitment". Since you own the house together try to make the best of it because he keeps sidestepping your proposals. You can argue ad infinitum about it or try to live in peace for a while. Your expectations aren't "high", they're just incompatible with his philosophy and him saying this is to get you to stop discussing it. Edited October 16, 2023 by Wiseman2 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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