Foolishly stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Nudeandashamed]

Last week my wife and I went on holiday to our regular spot in Croatia but for the first time without kids who are now old enough & responsible enough to stay home alone (something they preferred anyway to going away with their parents !). This gave us the opportunity to do try new things and we decided we would do something new every day such as sightseeing or simply going to a restaurant we’d not been to before. We both like going to the beach so early in the week we tried a new beach, which we didn’t like, and then mid-week went to a nudist beach - something we hadn’t done before and which we did like.

On our last day we decided to re-visit the nudist beach. After a non-alcoholic clothed lunch at the beach bar we said we’d go for a walk along the beach, but when we got back to our spot my wife said she’d prefer to make the most of our remaining time by having a snooze in the sun. So I went for a walk on my own.

Some way into the walk along a very long nudist beach I noticed two men and a woman disappearing over the back of the dunes lining the beach. Assuming they were probably about to engage in some form of indecent activity this is where stupidly I decided to follow with the intent of spying on them - an opportunity to see a real life porno movie perhaps.

Without going into all the detail, the outcome was the woman performed oral sex on me. Immediately afterwards I fled the scene beating myself up over the utterly stupid and disgusting thing I’d just done.

As well as the huge guilt of the betrayal I also became concerned about the risk of STIs. Whilst travelling home the following day I started to do some research into a subject I’ve had no prior experience of and hence very little knowledge. I had initially assumed that just receiving oral sex would present no risk, but this was misplaced optimism because whilst oral sex is lower risk than penetrative sex nonetheless a risk exists for which testing is necessary. I also learned that each STI has different incubation periods     which for those relevant to my circumstance range from 2 to 12 weeks. Testing within the incubation period can lead to false negative results and therefore whilst I have the initial set of tests booked, it will still be some weeks before I can complete all those I have been advised to have. And until the tests show I’m clear it would be reckless to have sex with my wife.

I know I have committed a huge, despicable mistake which has now permanently etched a massive feeling of guilt and remorse into my mind. Constant negative and sometimes extreme self-harmful thoughts are weighing heavily on me and for the first time in my life I may be drifting into depression. Regardless of my own mental and physical health, I cannot allow myself to commit another huge mistake by infecting my wife.

We have a fantastic loving, intimate and caring marriage, frequently messaging each other throughout the day to tell one another how much we love each other.  We have regular and loving sex, especially at weekends when work doesn’t get in the way of life. We are lucky not to have financial worries and are able to do most of the things we want to. So why I have put all this at risk is completely out of character and beyond my simple brain.

My priority now is to protect my wife physically and mentally which presents a dilemma of whether to tell my wife, when to tell her and how to tell her.  My wife is currently experiencing some anxiety and mood swings likely related to hormonal changes and stress at work for which she is receiving counselling.

Not telling her will spare her feelings (ignorance is bliss) and maintain the good life we have at present. However I will be maintaining a lie leading to further guilt and it will be very difficult to explain why I’ve suddenly gone off sex for 3 months.

Telling her will enable us to manage our physical contact with one another to avoid possible infection but will burst the lovely bubble we share and undermine her trust in me forever more but further impact her mental wellbeing. She has the right to respond in whatever way she wants. I do not assume she will want to stay with me, although I hope she will and will be devastated if she doesn’t. At the risk of sounding over dramatic, I don’t know how I could live without her. I do not expect and will not seek her forgiveness - I have to bear the consequences of my stupidity.

Either way I know I will feel forever ashamed and have to bear this guilt for the rest of my life and am now fearful that if I’ve done this once, could I do it again ? I’d like to think I’ve learned my lesson but have started counselling to try and find some answers and to protect myself and my wife from myself in the future.

I now feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because there is no good outcome to this situation I have foolishly created. My head’s a mess and I know I’m not thinking straight, having taken several days to get all this down in writing.

I’m sorry to reach out to wives and mothers who will no doubt find my behaviour abhorrent, but I really need a woman’s perspective and help on this. Thank you.

[Alpacalia]

A woman's perspective on what? 

If this story is true, then keep going to counseling and don't do anything remotely resembling this again. And yes, I would let your wife know and let her decide if she wants to stay with you or not and if she decides she can't that's just consequences.

Now this is where all those trust and vows we make in marriage come to play.

It is worth busting her trust in you If you were tormented suicidal, or have a deathly disease. So she can control her life, rather than being a bubbling bomb. I suggest start with an STD test to assure her and yourself. The longer you wait, the angrier she will be with you for not telling her. Your wife is not responsible for your actions. It's not her job to forgive you or fix the situation, but she does have the right to make her own decisions about the future of your marriage.

[SunnySide0418]

If you're never going to do it again.  I say take it to your grave.  Why ruin her life over a minute of poor judgement? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Nudeandashamed said:

I now feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because there is no good outcome to this situation 

Please get off the internet googling incubation periods, etc. and get to a physician/clinic ASAP. Obviously don't have sex with your wife until you are tested and have appropriate treatment and medical advice. Ask for a counselor at the clinic to discuss the situation. You're not the first cheater who they've come across.

Also ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Please discuss the situation with a qualified therapist as to if, when and how to disclose this with the least amount of damage to your wife and family.

Please don't go on and on with the self flagellation you're doing here. You saw an easy sleazy opportunity and took it. You'll need to get your thoughts and words in order before you discuss this with your wife instead of trying to make her feel sorry for you. 

First and foremost, get to a clinic for proper testing, treatment and information. 

[smackie9]

Well put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel if she did that? And would you rather have not known about it?

Also to note: get tested for HPV and herpes. Not all testing covers those things. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, if you did this, then I question your view that you were SO deliriously happy in your marriage.

I was surprised that you decided to follow these folks. I'm as curious as anyone and I wouldn't stop my walk to go see people doing sex and in your case to stop my walk to go see WHAT I AM GUESSING is sex. 

How much pornography do you watch? Sounds like you used this moment to get a porn fix while on vacation and you ended up in the video. 

I'm curious that you have framed this question to women. A woman in your situation would have the same practical and ethical quandary. 

It's up to you, but you could just avoid having sex with your partner and go see a doctor asap. You do need to hear from a live person because websites sometimes are wrong or they take a small level of risk and turn it into a high risk and vice versa.

 

 

[BaileyB]

On 10/12/2023 at 12:27 PM, Nudeandashamed said:

Telling her will burst the lovely bubble we share and undermine her trust in me forever

I don’t even know what to say…

What do you think you need to do to live authentically in your marriage moving forward? How do you honour and reciprocate the love and the trust that your wife has shown you? Find the answer to this question, and you will know what to do. 

Edited October 14, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

I agree: the idea that there is this one slip and all else is well is preposterous.

Clearly OP you got a lot of demons going on that you are not in touch with. Time to get in touch with the darker impulses and recklessness inside of you for your benefit as well as your wife's benefit. This is the kind of foolishness that occurs when we're wildly out of touch with ourselves. 

 

[glows]

I’m just as puzzled why you went to look at them having sex. Isn’t actual porn more exciting than sex on a beach? That sand is death. I cringe from a woman’s perspective thinking of another woman having sex on the beach and would run in the other direction madly hollering NO NO NO Don’t DO IT!

In all seriousness I agree she has a right to choose if she still wants to stay married or be with you. Hopefully you’ll be able to find some answers for yourself through therapy and private counselling.