Did I unintentionally bruise his ego?

[Shaylasoul]

I’ve known this guy for 2 years. A few nights ago we met so that he can get some of the dinner I made ( it was dinner I made for my family, he said he wanted some so brought some food with me). We end up messing around a bit. By messing around I mean he got to 3rd base ( I initiated it) and nothing more. He was pressing for more and even though I wanted to go further I just couldn’t. He texted me like normal later on that night. At some point of our conversation I explained to him why I couldn’t go further. He didn’t reply back to that text. He went silent for 24hrs. That’s not his usual pattern. A day later I reached out and asked what was wrong. No answer. I followed up by asking why he was ignoring me and if I did something wrong. He replied back and said “hey how r u, no you didn’t, I’ll call you”. He never called. It’s been 2 days. Did I bruise his ego? Did he take this as a form of rejection? Will I ever hear from him? 

[stillafool]

No I don't think you bruised his ego because you went to him and brought him food, and went to 3rd base with him (I'm not sure what 3rd base is), but couldn't further for whatever reason.  I think he's not calling you back because he's just not interested.  Lots of men are willing to wait on sex with a woman they value.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Shaylasoul said:

He was pressing for more and even though I wanted to go further I just couldn’t. He texted me like normal later on that night.

Sorry this is happening. Are you dating? Friends? FWB?  How old is he? How do you know each other?

Why do you bring him food? Was that part of your usual hangouts?  Were you ever intimate with him before? 

Try to let the dust settle. Reflect if you would like a friendship, relationship or FWB situation. Did he seem annoyed that intercourse didn't happen? 

 

[Shaylasoul]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

No I don't think you bruised his ego because you went to him and brought him food, and went to 3rd base with him (I'm not sure what 3rd base is), but couldn't further for whatever reason.  I think he's not calling you back because he's just not interested.  Lots of men are willing to wait on sex with a woman they value.

3rd base is considered stimulating body parts below the waist line with hands. And I told him I couldn’t go further because it would further complicate things and also we weren’t in a committed relationship. I know I shouldn’t have initiated touching but my hormones were acting up. And he wasn’t the one who initiated anything. I did. I remember some time ago, maybe last week, I asked him if he would touch me a certain way. He replied and said that he would want to but he wouldn’t. Due to the fact that he wants to remain celibate until marriage and that he’s trying to get close to God. I believe him. We’re of the same religion. I’m in the same boat. It’s just that it gets really hard to remain celibate. But I’ve been celibate for 3 years now. And he told me he’s celibate for 1 year. It’s just that night things got a little hot and heavy. But Wednesday night is the last night I heard from him. 

[Shaylasoul]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you dating? Friends? FWB?  How old is he? How do you know each other?

Why do you bring him food? Was that part of your usual hangouts?  Were you ever intimate with him before? 

Try to let the dust settle. Reflect if you would like a friendship, relationship or FWB situation. Did he seem annoyed that intercourse didn't happen? 

 

No we’re not dating. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship due to his financial situation. He wasn’t lying about that. We just decided to stay in communication with each other. I would never agree to be fwb with anyone. And that was our first time being that intimate with each other. I brought him food because he said he wanted to taste my cooking. And I told him I couldn’t go further because it would further complicate things and also because we weren’t in a committed relationship. I know I shouldn’t have initiated touching but my hormones were acting up. And he wasn’t the one who initiated anything. I did. I remember some time ago, maybe last week, I asked him if he would touch me a certain way. He replied and said that he would want to but he wouldn’t. Due to the fact that he wants to remain celibate until marriage and that he’s trying to get close to God. I believe him. We’re of the same religion. I’m in the same boat. It’s just that it gets really hard to remain celibate. But I’ve been celibate for 3 years now. And he told me he’s celibate for 1 year. It’s just that night things got a little hot and heavy. But Wednesday night is the last night I heard from him. 

[stillafool]

Are you in love with this man and hope to someday marry him?  If so, you need to control your hormones around him or he will think you aren't wife material.  He is avoiding you now because he thinks you are trying to break his celibacy.  He may think if you're this horny you may be doing those things with other men too.  If this is the man you want; but have a high sex drive, you can relieve yourself through masturbation.

[basil67]

He broke his commitment to celibacy with you.  And to make matters worse, you're not even his girlfriend.   

My guess is that he's terribly disappointed in himself.  And terribly disappointed in you and just wants to avoid you and the risks associated with you.  And he's probably wondering who else you've fooled around with while you've been saying that you're celibate.   All in all, I'd say that he's lost respect for you

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Shaylasoul said:

We’re of the same religion.  I’ve been celibate for 3 years now. And he told me he’s celibate for 1 year. 

If you agree on your values and you're on the same page, it's doubtful he's upset about getting a little carried away. Let the dust settle and decide what type of relationship you would like to have with him. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Hold on: don't even ask the question.

A woman saying no (to a friend) bruises a guy's ego? Are you serious? Guys get told no every day all day long.  And guys who get to third base when fooling around with someone for the first time, a good number of them celebrate. 

Sounds like he might just have been horny as hell for you and wanted to have sex. But he doesn't really want a relationship and doesn't know how to exist with you in the in between zone of sex without a clear romantic relationship.

You got to give us the back story. I'm guessing that you and this "friend" have been flirting and circling around each other without discussing openly what was happening. 

The problem is it sounds like you're APOLOGIZING for not having sex with him. Come on now! That's beyond ridiculous. You don't owe anyone sex, not even a long-time love partner! His silence speaks poorly about him. So what do you want with him? 

 

 

Edited October 13, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

Heck no.

He 100% thought he was going to get some strange, and when you stopped him after he got to 3rd base, he probably got frustrated. He probably didn’t see the point of wasting his time hanging out with you, since he thought he was gonna get initmate. Now that he knows he’s not, he sees no point in continuing talking to you. I'm sorry to be so blunt but it sounds like this guy was only interested in getting physical with you and lost interest once he realized it wasn't going to happen.

That was very nice that you brought him some food from your family's dinner, but in the future, be cautious about inviting yourself over to someone who you haven't been seeing that long.

Edited October 15, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

If his ego was bruised because he didn't get to have sex with you, well ... poor him.  That would not be your problem.  

[Shaylasoul]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Heck no.

He 100% thought he was going to get some strange, and when you stopped him after he got to 3rd base, he probably got frustrated. He probably didn’t see the point of wasting his time hanging out with you, since he thought he was gonna get initmate. Now that he knows he’s not, he sees no point in continuing talking to you. I'm sorry to be so blunt but it sounds like this guy was only interested in getting physical with you and lost interest once he realized it wasn't going to happen.

That was very nice that you brought him some food from your family's dinner, but in the future, be cautious about inviting yourself over to someone who you haven't been seeing that long.

I’ve known him for 2 years and he was the one who wanted to taste my cooking. I didn’t offer him anything. He asked. And yea you’re right, he’s been avoiding calling me. 

[Acacia98]

On 10/13/2023 at 10:31 PM, Shaylasoul said:

. I remember some time ago, maybe last week, I asked him if he would touch me a certain way. He replied and said that he would want to but he wouldn’t. Due to the fact that he wants to remain celibate until marriage and that he’s trying to get close to God. I believe him. We’re of the same religion. I’m in the same boat. It’s just that it gets really hard to remain celibate. But I’ve been celibate for 3 years now. And he told me he’s celibate for 1 year. It’s just that night things got a little hot and heavy. But Wednesday night is the last night I heard from him. 

It sounds to me like the two of you need to figure out what you actually want from each other and act accordingly. You're both sending mixed signals regarding sexual intimacy. Things didn't just get a little hot and heavy the last time you were together. His request to taste your cooking suggests some kind of flirtation between you two. And you seem to have led your interaction in an explicitly sexual direction by asking him if he would touch you a certain way. And then you initiated touching and he pressed for more and then you declined to go further than third base.

It's possible you'll not hear from this guy again. And if that's the case, then just let it go. But if you do hear from him again, you should have an honest conversation about what you want from each other (relationship/sex/ something else?) and set the appropriate boundaries.

[glows]

So he’s broke and getting closer to God. It doesn’t sound like the path of a man looking to get intimate further with a woman and his actions don’t point to someone wanting more out of this. He sounds insecure with himself and his finances and you’re not God. He wants to get closer to God. Not you. It is okay to let this go. I don’t think you hurt his feelings. I do think it was rude of him not to respond when he said he would and he doesn’t sound like a man of integrity so good luck getting closer to God. Good thing God is supposed to be patient.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds to me like he's just not that interested if sex is not on the table. 

Despite his claims of celibacy, it seems to be what he is after. 

[Shaylasoul]

2 hours ago, glows said:

So he’s broke and getting closer to God. It doesn’t sound like the path of a man looking to get intimate further with a woman and his actions don’t point to someone wanting more out of this. He sounds insecure with himself and his finances and you’re not God. He wants to get closer to God. Not you. It is okay to let this go. I don’t think you hurt his feelings. I do think it was rude of him not to respond when he said he would and he doesn’t sound like a man of integrity so good luck getting closer to God. Good thing God is supposed to be patient.

Yup… you’re on point. he is very much insecure 

[glows]

4 hours ago, Shaylasoul said:

Yup… you’re on point. he is very much insecure 

Never ever ever EVER make up for someone else’s insecurities especially in dating. You just walk away. Pick someone else more stable and healthy, who treats you well and is compatible with you.

[Shaylasoul]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Never ever ever EVER make up for someone else’s insecurities especially in dating. You just walk away. Pick someone else more stable and healthy, who treats you well and is compatible with you.

Well I finally got a hold of him today. Sent him a text basically confronting him and calling him out on everything. He flipped it and made everything my fault. He said he was in great fear of me because I made such a horrible accusation. When asked why he disappeared for a whole week he said it didn’t matter at that point and that it shouldn’t matter. Then he said he couldn’t pursue anything romantic because of a multitude of reasons but we could still be friends. 

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, Shaylasoul said:

I finally got a hold of him today. Sent him a text basically confronting him and calling him out on everything.

I cringed reading this.  At least now you know and can move on with your life.  He's just not interested.

[stillafool]

On 10/13/2023 at 3:31 PM, Shaylasoul said:

I know I shouldn’t have initiated touching but my hormones were acting up. And he wasn’t the one who initiated anything. I did.

The only reason he may have been interested in sex in the first place was because you started touching him and initiated it.  You admit he didn't do anything.  So this is not his fault;  but yours.  Now he doesn't want more of that.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Shaylasoul said:

 Then he said he couldn’t pursue anything romantic because of a multitude of reasons but we could still be friends. 

He seems quite confused flaky and unstable. Is he homeless?  Does he usually go to soup kitchens for meals? Please step away if this friendship or recently situationship is causing these headaches and heartaches. It's not worth it. 

[Shaylasoul]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems quite confused flaky and unstable. Is he homeless?  Does he usually go to soup kitchens for meals? Please step away if this friendship or recently situationship is causing these headaches and heartaches. It's not worth it. 

lol that made me chuckle a bit. I think he tried to gaslight me because he didn’t want to take accountability. He didn’t want to be perceived as an a**hole or as a horrible person so he tried reverse psychology. No one likes a mirror being held to their face. He knew he was wrong for disappearing. His answer for disappearing is he felt so disgusted with himself and spent most of his time praying and crying out to God for what he’s done. Those were his words. I rolled my eyes at that causes he sounded so dramatic. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Shaylasoul said:

His answer for disappearing is he felt so disgusted with himself and spent most of his time praying and crying out to God for what he’s done. Those were his words. I rolled my eyes at that causes he sounded so dramatic. 

So the whole being celibate for God thing is BS?    Why bother doing it in the first place?

[glows]

I’m guessing you kind of really liked this guy, OP. Two years of talking and him wanting to taste your cooking was the crème de la crème finally, the climax of all the talking. It was so hot that you both forgot your vows of celibacy and went to 3rd base. He then repented and withdrew and you might have been hoping for a relationship instead (you only have sex in a relationship). It is now causing a bitter aftertaste and you’re upset that he doesn’t want the same. 

The hard truth is he likely doesn’t want a relationship with you or doesn’t see you that way. Maybe his vision is a little skewed or narrow and he can’t see himself with anyone because ..you know, money is tight right now and all. Either way this one didn’t work out and it’s okay to just stop talking to him. He doesn’t seem interested in the least continuing to chat and that perhaps is a reflection of how shallow overall the interaction was between the two of you: 2 years and this went nowhere. Are you hoping for a relationship? If so spend time with single, available and not so insecure and disinterested men. Preferably ones who do some cooking for you as well.

[SurfCity]

I think that you thought that you could give him a taste and that that would make him choose you and ask to be in a relationship. But he didn't react the way that you wanted. Now you're chasing him even more and he's putting in even less effort than before. 

This guy just isn't into you, just let it go. How old is he? He sounds like the type to coast along forever wasting a woman's time claiming to be friends. I bet he hasn't been in a committed relationship for at least 10 years. And you think that you're going to be the one to change his pattern, but that's very unlikely. 

Please stop bringing him food and going to his place. If he's interested in you, he can put some effort in by inviting you out on a date. (A date isn't inviting you to travel to his house.) Raise your standards. You should never bring food or travel to a guy who you aren't in a committed relationship with. Sometimes when we want a relationship very badly we do things that we know we shouldn't. I think that's what happened to you that night and why you've been chasing him since then.