Did I unintentionally bruise his ego?

[Shaylasoul]

6 hours ago, SurfCity said:

I think that you thought that you could give him a taste and that that would make him choose you and ask to be in a relationship. But he didn't react the way that you wanted. Now you're chasing him even more and he's putting in even less effort than before. 

This guy just isn't into you, just let it go. How old is he? He sounds like the type to coast along forever wasting a woman's time claiming to be friends. I bet he hasn't been in a committed relationship for at least 10 years. And you think that you're going to be the one to change his pattern, but that's very unlikely. 

Please stop bringing him food and going to his place. If he's interested in you, he can put some effort in by inviting you out on a date. (A date isn't inviting you to travel to his house.) Raise your standards. You should never bring food or travel to a guy who you aren't in a committed relationship with. Sometimes when we want a relationship very badly we do things that we know we shouldn't. I think that's what happened to you that night and why you've been chasing him since then. 

Yes I did love him, yes I was hoping for more, but not I didn’t technically wait around for him within those 2 years. I went on other dates. At one point I had stopped talking to him to focus on someone else. That didn’t work out because we had different values. No I’m actually not chasing him. We had an argument. He blamed me then offered to be friends. I declined and we both went out separate ways. I don’t expect to ever hear from ever again and I’m ok with that. 

[Alpacalia]

On 10/15/2023 at 3:06 PM, Shaylasoul said:

I’ve known him for 2 years and he was the one who wanted to taste my cooking. I didn’t offer him anything. He asked. And yea you’re right, he’s been avoiding calling me. 

That's okay. I know you said that you knew him for two years but that's very different from actually dating for any reasonable amount of time.

He seems like he was just looking for something casual if even that and wasn't entirely truthful about it with you. I'm glad that you had a lot of other dates as well and are taking it in stride.

You can only take someone at face value for what they present you themselves. Otherwise you're just making decisions on what you think vs. a situation that you are actually in essentially. Hope that makes sense.

I think he would have been cool to continue things casually but you felt a deeper connection than what he expected. That's fine. Now you know where you two stand so you can move on. 

Edited October 17, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

On 10/15/2023 at 6:06 PM, Shaylasoul said:

I’ve known him for 2 years and he was the one who wanted to taste my cooking. I didn’t offer him anything. He asked. And yea you’re right, he’s been avoiding calling me. 

Just because someone is hungry and wants to taste food someone has been talking about doesn't mean they want to be felt up and aroused for sex when they are trying to be celibate.

[Shaylasoul]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Just because someone is hungry and wants to taste food someone has been talking about doesn't mean they want to be felt up and aroused for sex when they are trying to be celibate.

We’ve flirted countless times on the phone. Some conversations were hot and heavy which he initiated and some were initiated by me. He once told me how he wouldn’t pull out if we ever got physical. Meaning he’d get me pregnant. Yes we were both celibate and some conversations shouldve been left alone but we’re still humans with needs. We were highly attracted to each other. 

[NuevoYorko]

10 minutes ago, Shaylasoul said:

We’ve flirted countless times on the phone. Some conversations were hot and heavy which he initiated and some were initiated by me. He once told me how he wouldn’t pull out if we ever got physical. Meaning he’d get me pregnant. Yes we were both celibate and some conversations shouldve been left alone but we’re still humans with needs. We were highly attracted to each other. 

That's very hypocritical.  Just have sex.  Heck, have sex with a dozen guys.  

If you believe that THE LORD cares about your nasty activities,  having this kind of conversation on the phone with a fellow you are not even in a relationship with would definitely be frowned upon by HIM.  

You might want to give some serious thought to your attitudes about sex and how you use them in your interactions with men.

[Alpacalia]

On 10/13/2023 at 7:01 AM, Shaylasoul said:

By messing around I mean he got to 3rd base ( I initiated it) and nothing more. He was pressing for more and even though I wanted to go further I just couldn’t.

3 hours ago, Shaylasoul said:

He once told me how he wouldn’t pull out if we ever got physical. Meaning he’d get me pregnant.

He doesn't sound very celibate at all. Neither do you. But that comment, imo, would definitely have you question his motivation to remain celibate. I think he's full of bollocks, personally, but that's just me. He was having conversations that were very sexual in nature. That would definitely hinder this whole claiming to be celibate and trying to stick to celibacy.

Look, you both know (or you should know) that humans have needs and desires far beyond reading the Bible at times. I do think that you both could have checked yourself when it started going in the sexual direction.  At the end of the day, it can't be all on him, right? You stated that the both of you should have left it alone because you're both humans with needs. In that case, whose responsibility was it to say, "I'm not a sex phone operator". He set the tempo, you decided to partake in that tempo.

 

[glows]

23 hours ago, Shaylasoul said:

Yes I did love him, yes I was hoping for more, but not I didn’t technically wait around for him within those 2 years. I went on other dates. At one point I had stopped talking to him to focus on someone else. That didn’t work out because we had different values. No I’m actually not chasing him. We had an argument. He blamed me then offered to be friends. I declined and we both went out separate ways. I don’t expect to ever hear from ever again and I’m ok with that. 

That’s probably for the best. Do you think you would do this again? Sexting etc while remaining celibate? No judgment here on the choice not to have sex. It does seem to be building up a bit of tension and pressure. Do you have other outlets when the hormones hit? Not to be too specific but I can just about think of a thousand and one ways to spoil one’s self, let’s just put it that way. Without the need for a partner.

Apart from the recent incident with this man, I think the bigger issue to be addressed is that it’s ok to feel urges even if it’s hormonal or from time to time. It’s about being gentle with and taking care of yourself without feeling guilty or getting into situations like this that don’t align with your beliefs/values. Nothing to feel bad about here - just something to learn from.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/13/2023 at 3:41 PM, Shaylasoul said:

 I would never agree to be fwb with anyone. 

But unfortunately, that's exactly what this is and you're agreeing to,  minus the intercourse. You're not in a committed relationship, because "he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship due to his financial situation", yet you're sexual with each other. 

[basil67]

18 hours ago, Shaylasoul said:

but we’re still humans with needs.

Yeah sure.  But if you're going to toe that line, don't go doing the celibacy thing.  Your choice is to control your needs for God or to succumb to your needs.  There is no option that I know of where you get to pretend to be celibate

[stillafool]

On 10/13/2023 at 3:41 PM, Shaylasoul said:

I know I shouldn’t have initiated touching but my hormones were acting up. And he wasn’t the one who initiated anything. I did. I remember some time ago, maybe last week, I asked him if he would touch me a certain way. He replied and said that he would want to but he wouldn’t. Due to the fact that he wants to remain celibate until marriag

So that wasn't the first time you came on to him for sex and he turned you down?  Why didn't you try to get sex from the other guy you were dating and why did you come back around to this guy after you broke up with the other one instead of moving on to someone else?

[SurfCity]

Friends don't sext or have phone sex. You're allowing him to have the sex part of the relationship without him having to commit to a dating relationship. The only boundary that you've put in place is no intercourse, everything else is fair game. You probably think that this will entice/tempt him into requesting a relationship with you so that he can "go all the way," but as you're seeing, it doesn't work like that. Don't give relationship benefits to men who won't date you or commit to a relationship. 

You have to raise your standards. You've so completely lost hope that a man will take you out on a proper date that you've accepted taking food that you've cooked to his house as a reasonable way to spend time together. You've so lowered your standards that him saying that he wants unprotected sex with you and an unplanned pregnancy with you makes you believe that he has feelings for you.

It's understandable that you feel that way. So many men these days think that a date is inviting a woman over to watch him play video games while he ignores her. It's easy to think that an actual date where you go somewhere fun and he is engaging and talkative is a fairytale. But it's not. Raise your standards and don't give relationship benefits to men who you aren't in a relationship with. Maybe you'll find Steve Harvey's book helpful (Act like a lady, Think Like a Man.)

[d0nnivain]

On 10/16/2023 at 3:50 PM, Shaylasoul said:

 His answer for disappearing is he felt so disgusted with himself and spent most of his time praying and crying out to God for what he’s done. Those were his words. I rolled my eyes at that causes he sounded so dramatic. 

Really?   How cruel of you. 

You & him CHOSE to be celibate but you are having a hard time & are horny.  You met this guy & initiated sexual contact although you drew the line at intercourse after you got him all hot & bothered.  That makes you a c***tease BTW.

He then pulled back because he was upset with himself given how much of a temptation you present.  He needed to do what was best for himself & his relationship with God, a philosophy / religion you claim to share, but here you are mocking him. 

You started this because you were horny.  You used him.  You are no friend to this guy.  Your ego is the issue here.  You are struggling that he is not chasing after you begging to experience more of your charms.