Not sure where to start

[LostInLimbo]

I'm 54 currently in a relationship which seems to be falling apart. I have no kids but went into a relationship with someone who does (15yr old son) I can't sit here and say she's lazy or whatnot but here's the issue and I'm not sure if it's something I'm doing wrong.

I lived in my own home , work full time as does she. After my mom passed in 2022 I then sold my home to move in to my childhood home in January 2023 The GF ( who also works for and has a good job,) and her son moved in shortly after my mom passed from their one bedroom apartment to my mom's house in Oct until I sold my home.

Skipping ahead I knew her son wasn't going to school ( when school was back after COVID) which was 2022 I made it clear that I wanted him in school and because I knew he wasn't the most energetic I said he needs to help out..both of that was yes  no problem even her son assuring me he would. 

Here we are 2023 Oct and I'm still watching him be on his computer all night sleep all day and everytime I bring it up I get backlash from the gf saying I tried to get him to go but he won't, he has anxiety. When it comes to helping out I get upset because he'll leave his garbage on the counter and when I mention that to her I hear you just have to tell him (garbage can is right beside the counter)

What blew this all up was coming home from work on nights and recycling not taken out, I asked why he couldn't take it out I get in return because I didn't ask him to. 

So now I find myself going through which I think could be a breakup after telling her can't deal with this any longer and again we argue. She says he's only 15. He's just a kid. You have to remind him and he's not going to school because he has anxiety and that I'm nitpicking, followed by. If you don't want us here then we'll move out which I kindly responded. I can't live like this arguing over things that weren't supposed to be happening or a year ago. It's always been empty promises.

Sorry for such a long post. There is a lot more but it would just be repetitive because it's the same issues going on and on and I don't know if something I'm doing wrong or just cut ties and the reason why I'm asking if I'm doing something wrong is because I'm not a parent. I've never had kids and I'm told by her that I'm acting this way because I've never had kids and I shouldn't be

Thanks everyone for any advice or help

LIL

[Weezy1973]

So generally in this case you have to defer to the parent. That being said, there seems to have been an agreement prior to them moving in tat the son would go to school and help out around the house. And they didn’t stick to that. In my mind that shows a lack of character on your girlfriend’s part and might indeed be reason to break up.

 

Although this is not about right or wrong per se, again you’re always going to have to defer to the boy’s mom, I think she’s off base on her parenting choices here. First, her son not going to school due to anxiety is the wrong approach. Avoidance is the most common coping strategy for anxiety and very damaging long term. He needs to go to therapy - cognitive behavioral therapy is quite effective for anxiety. Also, at 15, he should absolutely be expected to help out around the house. He’s a citizen of your household. That being said, this is the responsibility of his mom, not you. If she continues to lead him down this path, the outlook is not good for her son. 
 

If she’s unwilling to course correct, breaking up is a possible solution. But perhaps going to a family counselor first, if you want make sure you’ve tried everything before ending it.

[LostInLimbo]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

So generally in this case you have to defer to the parent. That being said, there seems to have been an agreement prior to them moving in tat the son would go to school and help out around the house. And they didn’t stick to that. In my mind that shows a lack of character on your girlfriend’s part and might indeed be reason to break up.

 

Although this is not about right or wrong per se, again you’re always going to have to defer to the boy’s mom, I think she’s off base on her parenting choices here. First, her son not going to school due to anxiety is the wrong approach. Avoidance is the most common coping strategy for anxiety and very damaging long term. He needs to go to therapy - cognitive behavioral therapy is quite effective for anxiety. Also, at 15, he should absolutely be expected to help out around the house. He’s a citizen of your household. That being said, this is the responsibility of his mom, not you. If she continues to lead him down this path, the outlook is not good for her son. 
 

If she’s unwilling to course correct, breaking up is a possible solution. But perhaps going to a family counselor first, if you want make sure you’ve tried everything before ending it.

Thank you Weezy, just before I headed to work moments ago passed what her intentions were and she said she'll be looking for a place, that's unfortunate that was her decision she made but the way things have gone and because we couldn't come to any agreement I figure this was inevitable..

 

Thanks again 

[FMW]

They are living in your home so you are within your rights to voice your opinion to her.  I'm not a parent either, ,but in my opinion you should also have the right to ask him to take out the recycling, etc.  

As his mother, she of course is the one to take any corrective action and make choices about his life.

I don't think you should feel badly about anything you've described, it just wasn't a workable situation.  

[LostInLimbo]

13 minutes ago, FMW said:

They are living in your home so you are within your rights to voice your opinion to her.  I'm not a parent either, ,but in my opinion you should also have the right to ask him to take out the recycling, etc.  

As his mother, she of course is the one to take any corrective action and make choices about his life.

I don't think you should feel badly about anything you've described, it just wasn't a workable situation.  

Thanks FMW,  for that 

[flitzanu]

also not a parent, and agreeing that 15 is far old enough to take out the trash.

"15 is a child" is a weak excuse, here in the US it is legal to get a job at 16.  i'd be more worried the 15 year old is not going to adjust well to adult life but again...that's the mother's problem at this point.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LostInLimbo said:

 she said she'll be looking for a place, that's unfortunate that was her decision she made but the way things have gone and because we couldn't come to any agreement.

Sorry this is happening. How long were all of you living in the same house? Was she paying rent and expenses? 

Unfortunately it seems like you're incompatible both in what type of household you want to run as well as what appropriate responsibilities are for teens.  Her and her son moving out is probably for the best. 

[LostInLimbo]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were all of you living in the same house? Was she paying rent and expenses? 

Unfortunately it seems like you're incompatible both in what type of household you want to run as well as what appropriate responsibilities are for teens.  Her and her son moving out is probably for the best. 

Hi Wiseman, been living together for a year and she was paying for half the bills. It's unfortunate, she wasn't lazy it was something I couldn't convince her of, having her son attend school nor could I expect things to be done around the home without having to ask, such as the routine things 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, LostInLimbo said:

It's unfortunate, she wasn't lazy it was something I couldn't convince her of, having her son attend school nor could I expect things to be done around the home without having to ask, such as the routine things 

Your girlfriend hasn't left yet, so this could still be salvageable.

My advice comes from neuro diverse parenting. My son is autistic and for many years, needed extra accommodations to support him getting done what he needs to do.  Further, I have known a couple of kids who were so mentally at risk (suicide risk/self harm/anxiety attacks) that they were unable to deal with school.  Of course, I don't know your gf's lad, but I would expect that if his anxiety was at a level where he wasn't able to attend school, he would be seeing a child psychologist and perhaps even a psychiatrist.   And if he was staying home due to anxiety, he should have been completing his work at home.  Are there any bullying issues at school which are exacerbating the problem?  

Now, if he's seeing a professional and they supported time off school while he getting a handle on things, then it's reasonable.  Of course, if his issues are significant but aren't being addressed, your gf needs to get off her arse and seek professional help for him.

With chores, not all kids can remember to do what they've been told and sometimes need strategies put in place to support them.  Now I'm a mid 50's woman and in my brain, if something isn't written in my diary, then it's not gonna happen!  OK, yes, I remember to do the shopping and cook dinners - it's appointments I struggle with.  But in a teenage boy's brain the emotions are currently far stronger than the thinking brain.  He's all feelings and angst with no planning.   In his case, I'm thinking a chores list on the wall could be helpful. Tick the box when the job is complete and, using a predictable formula, his weekly pocket money should reflect how many chores he's done.

My advice is to start up with a child psychologist and get on board with strategies to support him for success.  Or, if he's already seeing one, make an appointment to go with your girlfriend and gain an understanding of his needs.

Edited October 14, 2023 by basil67

[LostInLimbo]

Thanks Basil for taking the time to read my post and answering it. She's not left yet but she's now looking. Unfortunately I feel the damage has been done and no longer salvageable and I only say that with having tried to get involved in his life and try to better understand things but I'm shut out or shot down. What I mean by that is, It becomes now a segway to an argument.

I'm told he has anxiety, and there's been no follow up with any professional counseling that I'm aware of other than a school counselor but again I'm only told this because I've never been involved and not by choice. I was told he's doing his homework online but yet when I ask to be part of his education, Im never shown that he is doing it online even though I'm told again he'll show me but when I come home from work I never get shown and fear asking due to starting an argument 

I know with anxiety there are so many types and so many Symptoms of it as I too suffer from it that and panic attacks but in my case I sought help and was treated. I again am no doctor but my feelings here are she is just enabling this behaviour by shutting me out and not seeking professional help outside of a school counselor if he truely suffering from this. Again I can't say he's lying that would be purely speculation on my part but if he has it and it's been this way for yrs, than seek help for him, don't hurt him by ignoring it

I've also forgotten to mention I've had talks with him when he rarely went , and would encourage him but then yet he tells me he enjoys it only to stop going again. I began to notice a pattern after him not going the first week, that he'd only attend on Wednesdays and Thursdays giving himself a 5 day weekend but now it's a 7day weekend.

So again I feel I've tried what I could do to help this but with that said I'm not into having to fight and argue everytime he doesn't go, I figured keeping the pressure on would help and doing it respectfully but it hasn't..

Thanks again Basil, always nice to hear ppls thoughts who are outside the box

28 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your girlfriend hasn't left yet, so this could still be salvageable.

My advice comes from neuro diverse parenting. My son is autistic and for many years, needed extra accommodations to support him getting done what he needs to do.  Further, I have known a couple of kids who were so mentally at risk (suicide risk/self harm/anxiety attacks) that they were unable to deal with school.  Of course, I don't know your gf's lad, but I would expect that if his anxiety was at a level where he wasn't able to attend school, he would be seeing a child psychologist and perhaps even a psychiatrist.   And if he was staying home due to anxiety, he should have been completing his work at home.  Are there any bullying issues at school which are exacerbating the problem?  

Now, if he's seeing a professional and they supported time off school while he getting a handle on things, then it's reasonable.  Of course, if his issues are significant but aren't being addressed, your gf needs to get off her arse and seek professional help for him.

With chores, not all kids can remember to do what they've been told and sometimes need strategies put in place to support them.  Now I'm a mid 50's woman and in my brain, if something isn't written in my diary, then it's not gonna happen!  OK, yes, I remember to do the shopping and cook dinners - it's appointments I struggle with.  But in a teenage boy's brain the emotions are currently far stronger than the thinking brain.  He's all feelings and angst with no planning.   In his case, I'm thinking a chores list on the wall could be helpful. Tick the box when the job is complete and, using a predictable formula, his weekly pocket money should reflect how many chores he's done.

My advice is to start up with a child psychologist and get on board with strategies to support him for success.  Or, if he's already seeing one, make an appointment to go with your girlfriend and gain an understanding of his needs.