Penpal Problems

[Stairway2777]

I feel sick.

I've had a penpal through an online book club for a couple of years. We got to chatting about this and that and we send a message every few weeks through text.
I've been married for almost a decade. He's aware of that. It's not a subject that we talk about unless I'm mentioning stuff my husband and I do for the weekend, what interests he has etc. I don't talk about marital issues. Any problems I talk about with him are either work stress or old anecdotal stories about weird people I've met. We've talked a bit about medical and mental health stuff but it's pretty casual. We mostly talk about books or music, food, travel and other hobbies and interests.

He started dating a girl about 6 or 7 months ago and I don't know the details but he said they had trouble getting along. I would just say that it sucks, hope it gets better. I guess they split up a couple times and we texted the other day. He told me they split up and it was bad this time. I said I hope he's okay. He said he was fine but he got sick of her complaining about the same problems and then says she also had a problem with me and thought it was weird that I was talking to him being a married woman. For the record, I'm not interested and wouldn't be even if I found myself single. But I didn't realize I was a topic of conversation to begin with and now I feel terrible. I talk with all my friends about the same stuff I've mentioned to him, including my husband. None of it has been exclusive conversation just for this person. But I got the biggest pit in my stomach when he told me that and I feel so guilty for causing his ex any pain and am I doing something wrong in my own marriage? I've been on the recieving end of emotional and physical affairs and I know how shitty it feels. 

My husband has done a lot of stuff that has almost ended our marriage including a situation with an old female friend. They had been friends for over a decade before I came along but things got inappropriate after my husband proposed to me and she made it clear it was a problem. It's a long story. I'm not interested in payback. 

Hearing that my penpal's ex said this makes me wonder if his ex mentioned this before or after they split up? And if before, why he continued to talk to me knowing his ex said that?

My husband knows about my friend but it's not like he reads my texts. Not that I have a problem showing him but I assume I need to end the friendship. I feel bad kind of bailing when my friend has just split up with someone but this doesn't sit well. Any advice on what to do, if I should cut this friend off, what I should say? Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Stairway2777 said:

she also had a problem with me and thought it was weird that I was talking to him being a married woman. 

Sorry this is happening. You didn't cause their breakup or problems for them. Does your penpal wish to slow down or discontinue your communication? 

[basil67]

Kindly, you're over thinking this.   It's not your job to decide what is best for your penpal and his relationships.  If he's comfortable with the friendship you've got and knows that no boundaries have been crossed, then you have nothing to worry about.  

 

 

[Stairway2777]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You didn't cause their breakup or problems for them. Does your penpal wish to slow down or discontinue your communication? 

I don't believe he does. But now I feel really uncomfortable and guilty. We don't communicate frequently. We'll just each send each other a long message about once or twice a month catching up and talking about what we're reading etc.

He did tell me his ex was divorced and maybe she has some insecurities from that relationship? I reread the text he sent me about her thinking it was weird that we talked and in that he actually did say "she finds it weird that a married woman is talking to me about her **marital** problems". So, I went back through our thread and at one point he talked about his sobriety and I had said my husband was also sober. He asked how that was going (because he was divorced due to his addiction) and he asked how my husband and I have managed to stay together for so many years and I said it was hard healing from the stuff my husband did when he was in active addiction but relationships aren't perfect, it's getting better. I think he asked the question about our longevity during a rocky time with his ex and I just told him relationships are work sometimes, none are perfect and a lot of the time it's choosing to work through it. I'm assuming that's what she was referring to. I don't know if that was crossing a line?

[glows]

Of course, a lot of people aren’t going to be comfortable with this text based pseudo friendship or sharing relationship issues with another woman from a book club (he’s never met before?) Considering he has also shared aspects about his break up and private/romantic life and relationship with you makes me think he’s inexperienced and shot himself in the foot because he has no clear boundaries with you and that’s what his ex was PO’d about.

They are incompatible as well because she doesn’t believe married women should be talking with other men, at least that’s what he seems to be insinuating about his ex. He went on sharing and sharing and oversharing and is likely attached and you’re troubled because you can tell instinctively he’s in over his head and ultimately proved to his gf that an online book club pen pal is more important than her feelings. You seem to have a clear boundary in contrast and have not shared much about your marriage or personal life, from what you’ve described anyway. 

I can’t figure out what the appeal is having a pen pal like this is for as it sounds like you have a fulfilling life with good friendships along with your spouse and maintaining a marriage. Are you trying to make up for a void or loneliness in your marriage? A lack of closeness and congeniality? It doesn’t have to be revenge or tit for tat and nothing to do with making anyone jealous. I’m curious if it’s more a void you’re trying to fill. And that would concern me if I were married. It means the marriage is dull and your intimacy is lacking.

 

[Stairway2777]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

Of course, a lot of people aren’t going to be comfortable with this text based pseudo friendship or sharing relationship issues with another woman from a book club (he’s never met before?) Considering he has also shared aspects about his break up and private/romantic life and relationship with you makes me think he’s inexperienced and shot himself in the foot because he has no clear boundaries with you and that’s what his ex was PO’d about.

They are incompatible as well because she doesn’t believe married women should be talking with other men, at least that’s what he seems to be insinuating about his ex. He went on sharing and sharing and oversharing and is likely attached and you’re troubled because you can tell instinctively he’s in over his head and ultimately proved to his gf that an online book club pen pal is more important than her feelings. You seem to have a clear boundary in contrast and have not shared much about your marriage or personal life, from what you’ve described anyway. 

I can’t figure out what the appeal is having a pen pal like this is for as it sounds like you have a fulfilling life with good friendships along with your spouse and maintaining a marriage. Are you trying to make up for a void or loneliness in your marriage? A lack of closeness and congeniality? It doesn’t have to be revenge or tit for tat and nothing to do with making anyone jealous. I’m curious if it’s more a void you’re trying to fill. And that would concern me if I were married. It means the marriage is dull and your intimacy is lacking.

 

My marriage has definitely not been easy. I'm by no means perfect but I've put up with A LOT. A lot that would kill a marriage and because of that, yes, there is a lack of intimacy, you're absolutely right.

And I think you're right in that there really shouldn't be an appeal to a penpal. I just feel like I'd be a jerk and I don't know if it's justified for me to cut off the friendship because I don't know if I'm reading too much into it. If I'm honest, and it's not that I don't care about him as a person, if I stopped talking to him, it wouldn't really affect me. Like, I would be oh, it sucks that the friendship ended but I wouldn't be cut up about it. I just don't like hurting other peoples' feelings.

Edited October 13, 2023 by Stairway2777
*typo

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, Stairway2777 said:

Like, I would be bummed that the friendship ended but I wouldn't be cut up about it. I just don't like hurting other peoples' feelings.

Sooner or later, he will get another girlfriend or reconcile with this one and the issue will rear its head again so maybe it's time to end this pen pal thing once and for all.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Stairway2777 said:

My marriage has definitely not been easy. I'm by no means perfect but I've put up with A LOT. A lot that would kill a marriage and because of that, yes, there is a lack of intimacy, you're absolutely right.

And I think you're right in that there really shouldn't be an appeal to a penpal. I just feel like I'd be a jerk and I don't know if it's justified for me to cut off the friendship because I don't know if I'm reading too much into it. If I'm honest, and it's not that I don't care about him as a person, if I stopped talking to him, it wouldn't really affect me. Like, I would be oh, it sucks that the friendship ended but I wouldn't be cut up about it. I just don't like hurting other peoples' feelings.

If you were feeling secure in your marriage you might instead realize that it’s in everyone’s ability to feel empowered by a situation - when one door closes another opens. Not feel helpless just because random book club pen pal isn’t talking to me (in his view).

I understand the empathy behind this and you caring as I believe any person would feel some of that considering his rl just ended but he broke up with her. “He said he got sick of her complaining…” etc. This doesn’t not sound like a poor me kind of guy. He blatantly disrespected his gf and disregarded her feelings if she was uncomfortable with him talking with you. 

I don’t think this is as much to do with hurting his feelings as it is feeling so hurt that your husband hurt yours. You know what it’s like to feel neglected, possibly shut out and dismissed and trust abused due to substance abuse and alcoholism. Your husbands relationship is with alcohol not you. When you see someone who might not have your attention you’re projecting that hurt you feel in your marriage on someone else. Honestly I’m not sure it would be a very big deal if you stopped talking with him. Think realistically here. If you’ve never met and you barely exchange texts, a few every other week, how can one possibly care that much? A person would have to be delusional to expect a pen pal to keep communicating under these circumstances or place such a huge importance on this. I can understand if you’re long time childhood friends separated by distance or known each other a very long time in person. This online pen pal situation is blown out of perspective as is its importance. 

Id try hard to focus on your real life and real time accomplishments, what you wish to do in the time you have left. Why are you still in a marriage that appears unfulfilling and driving you to worry about things like this pen pal you’ve never met. Why aren’t you out there enjoying yourself and having the time of your life, single or with someone who is fully present? Have you given up on feeling happy? 

[Stairway2777]

32 minutes ago, glows said:

If you were feeling secure in your marriage you might instead realize that it’s in everyone’s ability to feel empowered by a situation - when one door closes another opens. Not feel helpless just because random book club pen pal isn’t talking to me (in his view).

I understand the empathy behind this and you caring as I believe any person would feel some of that considering his rl just ended but he broke up with her. “He said he got sick of her complaining…” etc. This doesn’t not sound like a poor me kind of guy. He blatantly disrespected his gf and disregarded her feelings if she was uncomfortable with him talking with you. 

I don’t think this is as much to do with hurting his feelings as it is feeling so hurt that your husband hurt yours. You know what it’s like to feel neglected, possibly shut out and dismissed and trust abused due to substance abuse and alcoholism. Your husbands relationship is with alcohol not you. When you see someone who might not have your attention you’re projecting that hurt you feel in your marriage on someone else. Honestly I’m not sure it would be a very big deal if you stopped talking with him. Think realistically here. If you’ve never met and you barely exchange texts, a few every other week, how can one possibly care that much? A person would have to be delusional to expect a pen pal to keep communicating under these circumstances or place such a huge importance on this. I can understand if you’re long time childhood friends separated by distance or known each other a very long time in person. This online pen pal situation is blown out of perspective as is its importance. 

Id try hard to focus on your real life and real time accomplishments, what you wish to do in the time you have left. Why are you still in a marriage that appears unfulfilling and driving you to worry about things like this pen pal you’ve never met. Why aren’t you out there enjoying yourself and having the time of your life, single or with someone who is fully present? Have you given up on feeling happy? 

Am I happy in my marriage? Depends on the day. It's going to take a lot to repair all the let downs and betrayals and I'll be honest, I haven't been putting much effort into it the past 4 years because I've been so burnt out putting everything into it and getting nothing. He got sober and things got better and then we went on to have my son and new crap cropped up and basically being a single married mom, I put a wall up so I could at least function as a parent. I'm trying to let go so I can start making things better but I don't know how and the most recent problems have only started to slowly improve over the past couple months but my trust in him is extremely fragile at this point. I still hold out hope. But just barely.
If I'm understanding properly, you're saying me worrying about this person's feelings is kind of a distraction from my real problems and if so, I believe that to be true. 

I think I've made my decision that I don't want to keep in touch with this person anymore. It doesn't sadden me to end communication. From his flippant attitude towards his breakup and him telling me that his girlfriend had a problem with me and he continued to speak with me, it makes me wonder what his real intentions are and why he didn't care enough about her feelings even if it wasn't "the real" reason they split up.

I appreciate all the responses. It's really making me look at this more deeply.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Stairway2777 said:

From his flippant attitude towards his breakup and him telling me that his girlfriend had a problem with me and he continued to speak with me, it makes me wonder what his real intentions are and why he didn't care enough about her feelings even if it wasn't "the real" reason they split up.

I'm writing the following with the understanding that the two of you were behaving as real pen pals.  With no inappropriate conversation and sporadic messaging.

If he was totally above board in all that he was sending you, like the two of you were limiting it to talking about hobbies and stuff...not getting too personal, and he wasn't spending loads time messaging you, I can understand why he dismissed her concerns.  Sometimes we need to assert our boundaries if we aren't doing anything wrong.  The wrong partners can indeed alienate us from our friends

[Stairway2777]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sometimes we need to assert our boundaries if we aren't doing anything wrong.  The wrong partners can indeed alienate us from our friends

That's a good point. At the end of the day, I don't really know much about her and certainly not about how she acts in relationships. He's told me she's a mom, divorced and moved from another city. He would tell me what restaurants they would visit and the books they were reading and that sort of thing. But I don't know how the dynamic was aside from when he told me they weren't getting along and then what he said she said about me. It kind of blindsided me because I didn't think I was even a blip on the radar.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Stairway2777 said:

Am I happy in my marriage? Depends on the day. It's going to take a lot to repair all the let downs and betrayals and I'll be honest, I haven't been putting much effort into it the past 4 years because I've been so burnt out putting everything into it and getting nothing. He got sober and things got better and then we went on to have my son and new crap cropped up and basically being a single married mom, I put a wall up so I could at least function as a parent. I'm trying to let go so I can start making things better but I don't know how and the most recent problems have only started to slowly improve over the past couple months but my trust in him is extremely fragile at this point. I still hold out hope. But just barely.
If I'm understanding properly, you're saying me worrying about this person's feelings is kind of a distraction from my real problems and if so, I believe that to be true. 

I think I've made my decision that I don't want to keep in touch with this person anymore. It doesn't sadden me to end communication. From his flippant attitude towards his breakup and him telling me that his girlfriend had a problem with me and he continued to speak with me, it makes me wonder what his real intentions are and why he didn't care enough about her feelings even if it wasn't "the real" reason they split up.

I appreciate all the responses. It's really making me look at this more deeply.

It’s probably best to focus on where you see your marriage going or whether to leave. Please read up on sunk cost fallacy and staying just because you’ve already invested so much time in the marriage. Weigh the pros and cons and think of your options. 

Regarding this pen pal, he’s a grown up and can make his own decisions. Don’t feel guilty for his relationship ending. I don’t think he has romantic feelings for you if that’s what you’re worried about. Him commenting that she /his ex was upset because he’s talking to you was thoughtless, in my mind. Completely none of your business. Don’t make it your business either. Maintain your own boundaries and don’t get caught up feeling sorry for him. He can take care of himself. 

I’d probably let this one fade out and just respond less and less. No need for an announcement for ie like we have to stop talking. Just move on and change your focus to your own life. I think this guy has been a major drain and misuse of energy and time. He doesn’t sound like a real friend. He’s not someone you’ve met (it seems) and it doesn’t seem like you’ll ever meet him nor do you spend quality time in person. He’s probably never met your family nor will he ever meet your family and am I correct that you’re not comfortable introducing him to your husband? Try putting this in more perspective and don’t place more importance on this pen pal situation than what it’s really worth. If you would like to improve your quality of life and figure out your marriage or your future then do that. Spend more time on that.

[Stairway2777]

20 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s probably best to focus on where you see your marriage going or whether to leave. Please read up on sunk cost fallacy and staying just because you’ve already invested so much time in the marriage. Weigh the pros and cons and think of your options. 

Regarding this pen pal, he’s a grown up and can make his own decisions. Don’t feel guilty for his relationship ending. I don’t think he has romantic feelings for you if that’s what you’re worried about. Him commenting that she /his ex was upset because he’s talking to you was thoughtless, in my mind. Completely none of your business. Don’t make it your business either. Maintain your own boundaries and don’t get caught up feeling sorry for him. He can take care of himself. 

I’d probably let this one fade out and just respond less and less. No need for an announcement for ie like we have to stop talking. Just move on and change your focus to your own life. I think this guy has been a major drain and misuse of energy and time. He doesn’t sound like a real friend. He’s not someone you’ve met (it seems) and it doesn’t seem like you’ll ever meet him nor do you spend quality time in person. He’s probably never met your family nor will he ever meet your family and am I correct that you’re not comfortable introducing him to your husband? Try putting this in more perspective and don’t place more importance on this pen pal situation than what it’s really worth. If you would like to improve your quality of life and figure out your marriage or your future then do that. Spend more time on that.

I'm definitely going to read up on sunk cost fallacy. Thank you for the recommendation.

 

I've never met this person and I didn't plan on ever doing so. I commute and work in the same city he lives in. If by some slim chance we would have happened to cross paths, I would have said hello and had a chat but I would not have felt it necessary or comfortable to go out of my way to meet him. 

 

My husband speaks with a woman he was paired up with through a sober faction he's a part of and it's a similar scenario in that they're never meant to meet. I think with the sober faction they pair people that live in different cities or in my husband's case, countries, because there is that extra boundary/barrier if that's making any sense. I think what I'm getting at is I didn't initiate the conversation with my penpal. I wasn't in search of friends. We just started talking online but I never had any interest in it progressing from a message once or twice a month. But obviously it is draining more of my time and energy than it's worth if it's making me feel so anxious and guilty (not that it's hard to do) about how I've affected his relationship that I know virtually nothing about and then also worrying that I've crossed a line and been a shitty wife because why else would another woman feel threatened by me? 

[ShyViolet]

23 hours ago, Stairway2777 said:

But I got the biggest pit in my stomach when he told me that and I feel so guilty for causing his ex any pain

I don't understand why you are internalizing so much guilt about this.  His ex is a stranger to you.  You don't know the woman and have never met her.  You certainly have no responsibility to her.  Your pen pal is an adult and can handle his own relationships.  You did not "cause" it to end.

If you are uncomfortable continuing this pen pal thing, then just discontinue it.  I think you are making this into a much bigger issue than it actually is.  If you decide to stop communicating with him then he will have to understand and get over it.