He drinks a lot of alcohol

[Calmandfocused]

Dear loveshackers 

Well after a very long hiatus of dating I have met someone that I really quite like. 
 

I very much enjoy my time with him. He seems like a lovely person, shares most of my values-  funny, kind, affectionate and he’s shown nothing but consistent interest in me.
 

He’s a very nice man , an amazing father , financially stable and has his life together, He’s exactly the sort of person I’d want to date. 

We haven’t gone any further than kissing. 
 

Anyway here’s the issue: he drinks! A lot! I’m talking at least a bottle of wine plus a few beers- Every day. This is not including weekends where consumption is much higher. He could easily put away 10 pints of lager. He spends a lot of time in the pub. 
 

I on the other hand barely drink. If I drink two glasses of wine over a weekend that’s a lot for me. 
 

I have concerns about this huge difference between us. Mainly because I am very sexual person and my experience with men who drink a lot have problems in that area.
 

I’m also not particularly enthusiastic about my life revolving around the pub or my children being introduced to this sort of lifestyle. The latter is not an issue right now but it could be in the future. 
 

He’s also a little bit overweight. Not huge but I am concerned that he is going to get much bigger with the amount of calories he puts away. I don’t mind men who carry a few pounds extra pounds but I do not find obesity attractive. I’m very slim myself. 
 

Id really appreciate some thoughts on this please loveshackers whether you think it’s worth continuing on this basis. Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

He’s exactly the sort of person I’d want to date. He spends a lot of time in the pub. I'm also not particularly enthusiastic about my life revolving around the pub or my children being introduced to this sort of lifestyle. 

How did you meet? How long have you been seeing each other? Trust your instincts. He may have some nice qualities but you're noticing some major red flags. It may be better to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

Please read up on problem drinking:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[MsJayne]

That's a lot of alcohol and I'd be concerned that he's an alcoholic. He may be a high-functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic none-the-less. In my experience it's very difficult to date someone who drinks to inebriation point every day. Your concerns about his weight and his ability to perform sexually are just two issues, there's other negatives, not the least of which is that quite often regular heavy drinkers have an acrid pong about them. if you share a room with them their boozy breath will fill the bedroom, especially if they're a snorer, which they often are. Another thing is that he may be all charm and fun in the early stages, but I presume he has an ex-wife/partner in the background, and I'd be wanting to know if alcohol played any part in the breakdown of their relationship as an indicator of what you could expect further down the track if you pursue it. 

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m talking at least a bottle of wine plus a few beers- Every day. This is not including weekends where consumption is much higher. He could easily put away 10 pints of lager.

I am pretty sure this is the textbook definition of an alcoholic.  

I wouldn't take this any further, personally.

I'm sorry. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know anyone who drinks that much who is not an alcoholic. 

I personally would not continue dating him. You are likely only seeing the tip of the iceburg with this. 

[Calmandfocused]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did you meet? How long have you been seeing each other? Trust your instincts. He may have some nice qualities but you're noticing some major red flags. It may be better to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

Please read up on problem drinking:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

Thanks WM

We met online. It’s very new. I’ve only met him a few times for day time dates. 
 

However we’ve had a lot of FaceTime calls in between dates most evenings.  He’s always been to the pub before we have a FaceTime call and he’s always got an alcoholic drink on the go during our calls . He also has at least one top up whilst we’re talking. This has happened every single time. 
 

I’ve been casually asking questions about his drinking and he’s confirmed he drinks every single night without fail. Wine and beer. Can’t go to bed until the wine bottle is empty. 

[Calmandfocused]

35 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

That's a lot of alcohol and I'd be concerned that he's an alcoholic. He may be a high-functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic none-the-less. In my experience it's very difficult to date someone who drinks to inebriation point every day. Your concerns about his weight and his ability to perform sexually are just two issues, there's other negatives, not the least of which is that quite often regular heavy drinkers have an acrid pong about them. if you share a room with them their boozy breath will fill the bedroom, especially if they're a snorer, which they often are. Another thing is that he may be all charm and fun in the early stages, but I presume he has an ex-wife/partner in the background, and I'd be wanting to know if alcohol played any part in the breakdown of their relationship as an indicator of what you could expect further down the track if you pursue it. 

I agree. 
 

He never appears drunk or belligerent, pervy or inappropriate but in some ways this is more of a red flag to me. It means the addiction is so entrenched the alcohol doesn’t affect him. 
 

Yep the thought of sharing a bed with someone ponging out the bedroom with stale alcohol smell is not attractive to me at all. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’ve been casually asking questions about his drinking and he’s confirmed he drinks every single night without fail. Wine and beer. Can’t go to bed until the wine bottle is empty. 

Please reconsider signing up for this. His relationship is with alcohol and your role in his life would be an enabler.

His liver is probably already hanging by a thread. And his brain is perpetually soaked in alcohol. What is attractive about that? 

You seem to have enough information about his drinking habits to decide if you want this in your life. 

[BaileyB]

I would not pursue this relationship. As others have said, that is a lot of alcohol to consume every day. It would be too much for me. 

[Calmandfocused]

Thanks everyone. I know that what you’re all saying is absolutely correct. 
 

The drinking culture is so socially accepted in the U.K. it’s difficult to pinpoint when a drinking problem is a problem. There is a huge population of functioning alcoholics. 
 

In a lot of ways I’m the “abnormal” one due to my very limited consumption. Even my female friends drink way more than me. 2 of them do have a problem with drinking copious amount of gin, but again they are “functioning”.

 How do I draw a line and a standard with something that is so “normal” here? And what is that line exactly? Tricky one. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Calmandfocused said:

The drinking culture is so socially accepted in the U.K. it’s difficult to pinpoint when a drinking problem is a problem. 

It's a problem for you, so that's when it's "a problem". 

[ExpatInItaly]

 

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

He’s always been to the pub before we have a FaceTime call and he’s always got an alcoholic drink on the go during our calls . He also has at least one top up whilst we’re talking

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

he drinks every single night without fail. Wine and beer. Can’t go to bed until the wine bottle is empty

The above isn't drinking culture. It's addiction. You already know this, though, or this thread wouldn't exist. 

It's not tricky when you listen to your gut. And your gut is telling you this guy has a big problem. 

[d0nnivain]

He will always pick alcohol.  You see this red flag now at the beginning.  Ignore it at your own peril.  

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

The drinking culture is so socially accepted in the U.K.

I believe you. But, there is “drinking culture” ie. I’m going to stop by the pub and have a few with my friends and then there is - daily drinking, he can’t go to be until the wine bottle is empty. Daily drinking, he can’t go to bed until the wine bottle is empty and he drinks more on the weekend is too much. No doubt, he drinks more alcohol than water - and that would be a problem for me. 
 

[Gaeta]

No amount of kindness from him would keep me in his surroundings. 

He's a real bad role model for your children. Several health issues in his future, he will look like an old man by age 50, you will never be able to rely on him in the evening, you can't ask a man that drinks that much to run to the pharmacy for you, his drinking will become an embarassment at family's fatherings. 

I come from a culture of big drinkers, l had plenty of men in my life and none were drinkers. Many men out there that don't need to drink themselves to sleep at night.

You don't want a boyfriend that bad.

[glows]

I think not! This is absolutely not a match. Do both of yourselves a favour and let him go. Before this has even got off the ground beyond kissing and flirting you’re wondering if he will get fat and have erectile problems. It’s good that you’re thinking this through- don’t waste it. Trust your instincts.

[Calmandfocused]

Just now, Gaeta said:

No amount of kindness from him would keep me in his surroundings. 

He's a real bad role model for your children. Several health issues in his future, he will look like an old man by age 50, you will never be able to rely on him in the evening, you can't ask a man that drinks that much to run to the pharmacy for you, his drinking will become an embarassment at family's fatherings. 

I come from a culture of big drinkers, l had plenty of men in my life and none were drinkers. Many men out there that don't need to drink themselves to sleep at night.

You don't want a boyfriend that bad.

Another good point. He’s not far off 50 but he looks early 50s in my opinion. The extra bit of weight doesn’t help. 
 

He eats well and eats all the right things but his hard work here is negated by the alcohol. He must consume 1000s of calories a day by alcohol alone. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Another good point. He’s not far off 50 but he looks early 50s

You looking forward to his big red nose? I'm almost not kidding!

I want better for you girl !! 

[Calmandfocused]

And yes @Gaeta that did occur to me. What if something happened and I needed him to drive in an evening?  He wouldn’t be able to. Simple at that. 
 

No doubt “taxi driver” will become one of my roles and responsibilities in the relationship. Either that or our date nights will always have to be in walkable distance. I’m envisioning a life of much restriction. 
 

Yep, my children do not know the drinking culture and I’d prefer to keep it that way. Their dad doesn’t drink either. The only time they’ve been into pubs is for a family meals/ special events. 
 

[Calmandfocused]

Just now, Gaeta said:

You looking forward to his big red nose? I'm almost not kidding!

I want better for you girl !! 

Oh goodness yes you’re right. I forgot about the big red nose and leathery skin. Very sexy! 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

The drinking culture is so socially accepted in the U.K. it’s difficult to pinpoint when a drinking problem is a problem. There is a huge population of functioning alcoholics. 

When I started reading your post I was expecting it to be about the man being a part of typical "drinking culture" that exists in the UK and many other places.  But as I read on, it became clear that this man has a problem with alcohol.  

The quantity he consumes is extreme.

I realize that some of the definitions of "alcoholism" are unrealistic.  There are people all over the world who drink almost every day so some extent or another, and they are fine.   You have not described this kind of person.

My father was a "functioning alcoholic."  He was a doctor, very respected and conscientious in his profession.   He was also very difficult at home, for our mother, for many reasons.  Bottom line was that his drinking was a priority in his life.  His family and other parts of himself were on the back burner.

A functioning alcoholic is doing an okay or better job of managing their alcoholism, but they are still going to function in their personal relationships like an alcoholic.  Unfortunately, the best partner for a person like that is one who shares their interest in being lit most of the time when full consciousness is not necessarily required.

[Calmandfocused]

11 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

When I started reading your post I was expecting it to be about the man being a part of typical "drinking culture" that exists in the UK and many other places.  But as I read on, it became clear that this man has a problem with alcohol.  

The quantity he consumes is extreme.

I realize that some of the definitions of "alcoholism" are unrealistic.  There are people all over the world who drink almost every day so some extent or another, and they are fine.   You have not described this kind of person.

My father was a "functioning alcoholic."  He was a doctor, very respected and conscientious in his profession.   He was also very difficult at home, for our mother, for many reasons.  Bottom line was that his drinking was a priority in his life.  His family and other parts of himself were on the back burner.

A functioning alcoholic is doing an okay or better job of managing their alcoholism, but they are still going to function in their personal relationships like an alcoholic.  Unfortunately, the best partner for a person like that is one who shares their interest in being lit most of the time when full consciousness is not necessarily required.

Thanks NY

likewise my father was a “functioning alcoholic”. A successful Businessman whose life revolved around getting his next drink. 
 

The consequential impact on the family was huge. There are things I have accepted, moved on from,  but have never forgotten.

It’s one of the reasons I don’t drink much. I’m fully aware of my genetic predisposition to alcoholism, hence I choose not to have alcohol as a focal point of my life. 

Edited October 16, 2023 by Calmandfocused

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m envisioning a life of much restriction. 

Further to that:

Envision a lot of lonely nights with you wondering when he might stumble home. Envision appointments or important events he misses or shows up drunk or hungover for. Envision money disappearing down his throat as he buys round after round. Envision responsibilities falling by the wayside because he's too drunk to attend to them. 

 

 

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Envision money disappearing down his 

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

He’s a very nice man , an amazing father , financially stable and has his life together, He’s exactly the sort of person I’d want to date. 

 

I have a hard time imagining a man drinking that much every night, and drinking even more on weekends, being a good father. I'm sure he loves his children, not debating his love,  but how present can you be when your alcohol level is 4-5 times above the limit every single day. 

You don't know the real him yet, you're seeing the surface and you're already seeing his alcoholism, imagine all you don't see yet.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

likewise my father was a “functioning alcoholic”. A successful Businessman whose life revolved around getting his next drink. 

As they say, we tend to repeat patterns and sometimes chose partners in an unconscious attempt to heal past trauma. 

I would urge you to break this pattern. You have seen this before, you know what to expect. The warning flags are waving in the wind… you’ve seen them, best to heed them.