Will my ex ever miss me or feel regret [UPDATE: he's dating someone else]

[Lisa]

@Lefmariet and @Bertol are the same member

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lefmariet said:

I did so much for him and loved him so so so deeply, yet he walked away like i was worth nothing.

You wrote in your first post that after you ended it, he told you he was heartbroken.  So he DID care.   But given that you were firm in your decision, you really gave him no choice but to move on.   

Remember that we all get over things differently.  Some get out with life and get busy and others take their time.  It's OK for him to start living again and it's OK for you to do it at your own pace.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Lefmariet said:

I’m using this as more of a place to complain
Its been almost 2 months since my break up of 1 year relationship and no contact since. For context I broke up with him because he wasn’t treating me well despite me telling him about it multiple times. 
Such as; if i bought up something that made me feel bad I would be the one apologising by the end of the conversation (which i was only recently made aware could be manipulation). I cried to him because I got bad news about something in my family and his response after i asked if i could see him later that day (said i wanted him there for me) was ‘ill see if i have the time. I don’t know what i want to do with my day yet’ after not seeing him for a while before that due to distance. Later bought up how that made me feel like an inconvenience and he said ‘am you sure im making you feel that way or is it in your head’ + many more things but i can’t really be bothered to go over it all all over again. He would not ever take accountability for anything. Even up until the breakup it was all me in my head and i made it all up. Lol. I can look back at it now but for months i was so convinced i was wrong and something was wrong with me and became depressed in our relationship as a result. 
 

anyway, the part that makes me mad is the breakup and after. He 100% didn’t want to break up that morning, said multiple times before he wants it to work and he doesn’t see us breaking up and its the last thing he wants (despite me telling him that the way we were communicating was making me ill). He said one thing that made me realise I couldn’t keep doing this because he was not changing, no matter how much i loved him.
I called him, he came over, i said i cannot put up with this anymore, pointed out exactly what he said that made me feel this way, he says ‘if that makes me an arsehole then so be it’. The conversation was quite friendly for a while, we were both calm, said we both loved eachother, etc. Then came the ‘nobody will love you like i did’, ‘you won’t find someone like me again’, ‘youll regret this’ ‘im not running after you i have too muvh self respect’ (did not expect him to) etc etc and basically made it out as though im nothing that special and he is the ultimate man. Seemed slightly insecure of him to have to affirm all of this out loud if you’re really that secure. I didn’t feel a need to do this? 
After I initiated the ‘conversation’ he was suddenly 100% certain he wanted to break up despite saying differently that morning and days before that, suddenly switched to being completely cold and dead behind the eyes, and walked away like it was nothing. Our relationship was absolutely great before this sudden change in him within the last month or so when we also went long distance.
Saw him a couple days later by accident and he says ‘im heartbroken, maybe one day we can see eachother and talk about things’?

Im just incredibly frustrated that he for weeks prior was telling me he had never been this in love, he wanted to work through these problems, he never sees us breaking up, he loves me etc. Then during our final conversation I say ‘i just want to love fully and be loved fully’ he says he cant give me that? WHY string me along for so long then. Just communicate ffs if you’re falling out of love. It was a mutual break up. I miss him so much and im still completely in love with him. I keep reminding myself of why i left in the first place though. His final comments did really damage my self esteem, like a final blow. But im getting better

He told people it was mutual at the start, he was waving at me and saying hello but I stopped reciprocating that because i thought it was a bit strange pretending. Despite the fact it WAS a mutual breakup and he said he wanted this, a month or so after he was telling people ‘things are hard after the breakup, i didnt want this she ended it with me’. Cool. Nice lie. 

! He seems to be doing absolutely fine, going out all the time, meeting and following loads of girls. I can’t even talk to a man still. I did so much for him and loved him so so so deeply, yet he walked away like i was worth nothing. Ill get better with time, ive removed him from everything and deleted all social media until i feel well again. Im just bored of feeling such pain still after 2 months. I feel as if i regret it because our good times were incredible. First love however. Itll pass I suppose. 

 

I realize you’re wanting to write and let out heavy and painful emotions but this seems contradictory as you were the one who called him over and told him you wanted to end it. He was upset by you speaking like this and went on a monologue about how you wouldn’t find another man etc etc the greatness of himself and so on. He WAS visibly upset and doesn’t seem to agree at all. It was only later on that he seemed to make peace with your decision to end it and agreed with you but it certainly does not sound like a mutual break up. 

Either way the way he treated you wasn’t the kind of love or romance you wanted. He wasn’t there for you in the way you hoped and this spiralled out due to your need for reassurance and his impatience with you towards the end. He couldn’t accept your need for comfort or reassurance. I don’t know if that’s fair or not as we all have different thresholds. It doesn’t sound like you both accepted one another towards the end and this became very dysfunctional. 

Despite the fact that he frustrated you and couldnt be what you wanted him to be he obstinately appeared to want to still be your boyfriend. That is dysfunctional and he was in denial. At least one of you recognized it wasn’t going to work even if it was in the heat of the moment and you’re still missing him. He’s moved on to cope because he has realized he wasn’t good enough for you. The truth is you weren’t happy with him and it wasn’t working. 

[Bertol]

8 hours ago, glows said:

I realize you’re wanting to write and let out heavy and painful emotions but this seems contradictory as you were the one who called him over and told him you wanted to end it. He was upset by you speaking like this and went on a monologue about how you wouldn’t find another man etc etc the greatness of himself and so on. He WAS visibly upset and doesn’t seem to agree at all. It was only later on that he seemed to make peace with your decision to end it and agreed with you but it certainly does not sound like a mutual break up. 

Either way the way he treated you wasn’t the kind of love or romance you wanted. He wasn’t there for you in the way you hoped and this spiralled out due to your need for reassurance and his impatience with you towards the end. He couldn’t accept your need for comfort or reassurance. I don’t know if that’s fair or not as we all have different thresholds. It doesn’t sound like you both accepted one another towards the end and this became very dysfunctional. 

Despite the fact that he frustrated you and couldnt be what you wanted him to be he obstinately appeared to want to still be your boyfriend. That is dysfunctional and he was in denial. At least one of you recognized it wasn’t going to work even if it was in the heat of the moment and you’re still missing him. He’s moved on to cope because he has realized he wasn’t good enough for you. The truth is you weren’t happy with him and it wasn’t working. 

You're right, thank you for this! 

I loved him but it was very dysfunctional, I made him aware of the issues and he refused to acknowledge them and said it was in my head. I drew the line when it turned into actual insults and it did not seem like he wanted to spend time with me despite any efforts, so Im not sure really what other direction the relationship could have gone in. I know its for the better, and he was probably just hurt when he said all of those things about nobody loving me like he did etc, but I still found it rather unneeded. He told me he was heartbroken days later, not during the breakup, he acted completely unphased during it. Telling people weeks on he didnt want to break up and it was all me is also frustrating considering how he told everyone it was mutual in the beginning, and im equally as hurt. 

Its in the past now however, Im grateful for the relationship and i understand that it is normal to feel 'regret', but I can now finally recognise how it was not meant to be. 

[Bertol]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

You wrote in your first post that after you ended it, he told you he was heartbroken.  So he DID care.   But given that you were firm in your decision, you really gave him no choice but to move on.   

Remember that we all get over things differently.  Some get out with life and get busy and others take their time.  It's OK for him to start living again and it's OK for you to do it at your own pace.

He told me days later he was heartbroken, during he didnt show much sign of care other than bigging himself up and putting me down. I said this either seriously changes and we work through it or I cant do it anymore (in more words obviously), he said he didnt want to try work it out, and he said the words 'i want to break up', so i said okay, respected his decision and said nothing more. I spent weeks before that chasing after him. I gave him the option and that is what he wanted, which is fine, but he did not 'have no choice'.  

[stillafool]

You were the first to ask to break up, if you didn't mean it, you shouldn't have said it.  That gave him the out.  At first he didn't want to break up but very shortly after, he decided that was the best idea.  I agree, it sounds like it was for the best.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Bertol said:

Will my ex ever miss me or feel regret? Seems fine after break up and no contact.

Try to focus solely on how you feel. You broke up for reasons and although breakups hurt, it seems like the right decision. Everyone processes hurt differently. Please never use breakups as an ultimatum or to facilitate changing someone. Why would he "regret the breakup", if things weren't working out? 

[Bertol]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to focus solely on how you feel. You broke up for reasons and although breakups hurt, it seems like the right decision. Everyone processes hurt differently. Please never use breakups as an ultimatum or to facilitate changing someone. Why would he "regret the breakup", if things weren't working out? 

More regret how he treated me because i drew frustration from him never holding himself accountable for anything, and shifting all blame to me which made me feel 'crazy' and ultimately lead to the break up. I wondered if he would ever recognise it, but after time ive realised that will probably never happen, to stop waiting for 'closure' and just get on with it. Hurts, but It was nice while it lasted. 

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, Bertol said:

More regret how he treated me because i drew frustration from him never holding himself accountable for anything, and shifting all blame to me which made me feel 'crazy' and ultimately lead to the break up. I wondered if he would ever recognise it, but after time ive realised that will probably never happen, to stop waiting for 'closure' and just get on with it. Hurts, but It was nice while it lasted. 

You definitely can't depend on him to give you closure, you are the only one who can do that.  It usually comes with acceptance or the circumstances that broke you up.  You still haven't reached that point, and that's why you, unlike him, haven't moved on yet.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Bertol said:

He told me days later he was heartbroken, during he didnt show much sign of care other than bigging himself up and putting me down. I said this either seriously changes and we work through it or I cant do it anymore (in more words obviously), he said he didnt want to try work it out, and he said the words 'i want to break up', so i said okay, respected his decision and said nothing more. I spent weeks before that chasing after him. I gave him the option and that is what he wanted, which is fine, but he did not 'have no choice'.  

Yes, exactly: days later he told you he was heartbroken.  But in the moment of the breakup, you had him over a barrel with an ultimatum and a list of things he was doing wrong 

Giving someone an ultimatum isn't necessarily going to be well received because it can be perceived as a personal attack.  And so he got defensive and attacked in return.  Next time, if you've already communicated your needs and you're now at the point of an ultimatum...just end it.  Don't give a list of the reasons and open yourself to attack - just talk about how the two of you are heading in different directions and call it quits. 

[Alpacalia]

Just remember that he wasn't able to give you what you needed. And don't take it all on yourself because I can tell you're walking on eggshells. 

When you felt ill was when he'd say "it's in your head". To me I interpret that as causing you to question your reality. I think given your level of empathy and lack of certainty/ assertiveness unfortunately these relationships can prey on confusion and take advantage of it. That doesn't mean ANYTHING is wrong with YOU as a person or that you didn't try enough or give enough love etc. It simply means not everyone has your best interests at heart and he was more interested in getting his wants met than having a quality relationship.

You have to make new connections and reject the unhealthy stuff like the state of victim-hood and maintaining this stance that makes you small and invisible. Stop torturing yourself. You will only gain founded on anxiety by pining over him. We often fixate on what we want rather than what is good for us too. Get some big goals and start visualizing. Figure out what you were passionate about. And carve out time every day to actively daydream about it once a day. This is how you build a meaningful life.

Edited November 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Bertol said:

More regret how he treated me because i drew frustration from him never holding himself accountable for anything, and shifting all blame to me which made me feel 'crazy' and ultimately lead to the break up.

Unfortunately breakups don't change people. If he was "crazy making" during your relationship, be glad you're free of him. Breakups don't teach people lessons.

If he's "moving on", it's because he has no choice.  When you dump someone what other alternative is there? 

[Bertol]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately breakups don't change people. If he was "crazy making" during your relationship, be glad you're free of him. Breakups don't teach people lessons.

If he's "moving on", it's because he has no choice.  When you dump someone what other alternative is there? 

It was a mutual breakup, I gave him the option to either stop what was going on or walk away and he chose to break up, which was fine as that showed me he wasnt willing to change. I didnt fight it or run after him or anything, I respected his decision, said okay and never spoke to him since. Telling people a month on he 'didnt want this' and 'i broke up with him' is upsetting since he was SO certain he did want to. 

Its equally as hard leaving a relationship with someone youre still in love with. I feel like its almost abnormal to still be in this much pain 2 months on, its all I think about no matter how much i try to distract myself. We had a truly great relationship up until the last month of it. All I want to do is talk to him, I got false hope from him saying a few days after that we could 'maybe one day see each other and talk about it' but I know I need to ignore it. Just hurts seeing him move on when my heart still somehow yearns for him. 

[Bertol]

8 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Just remember that he wasn't able to give you what you needed. And don't take it all on yourself because I can tell you're walking on eggshells. 

When you felt ill was when he'd say "it's in your head". To me I interpret that as causing you to question your reality. I think given your level of empathy and lack of certainty/ assertiveness unfortunately these relationships can prey on confusion and take advantage of it. That doesn't mean ANYTHING is wrong with YOU as a person or that you didn't try enough or give enough love etc. It simply means not everyone has your best interests at heart and he was more interested in getting his wants met than having a quality relationship.

You have to make new connections and reject the unhealthy stuff like the state of victim-hood and maintaining this stance that makes you small and invisible. Stop torturing yourself. You will only gain founded on anxiety by pining over him. We often fixate on what we want rather than what is good for us too. Get some big goals and start visualizing. Figure out what you were passionate about. And carve out time every day to actively daydream about it once a day. This is how you build a meaningful life.

He would say it was in my head if i had a problem because he couldnt see the issue himself. He would get defensive anytime I mentioned how I didnt agree with how he was being with me and I noticed that by the end of the conversation I would be the one aplogising for even bringing it up and then he would stonewall me for a couple days, then go completely normal and loving again, then repeat. This made me very insecure in hindsight because i was ultimately convinced he no longer liked me from all the whiplash of treatment, but this then fueled even more 'questions' I would bring up very so often which in his defence, is frustrating to deal with. By that point I just didnt feel like I could talk to him at all haha so I just started reacting and acting to please him only which was stupid looking back but my head was all over the place. This was all during a month long distance, everything was okay before. Just wish he would have told me he was falling out of love instead of stringing me along knowing how much I was hurting you know. Annoying. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Bertol said:

He would say it was in my head if i had a problem because he couldnt see the issue himself. He would get defensive anytime I mentioned how I didnt agree with how he was being with me and I noticed that by the end of the conversation I would be the one aplogising for even bringing it up and then he would stonewall me for a couple days, then go completely normal and loving again, then repeat. This made me very insecure in hindsight because i was ultimately convinced he no longer liked me from all the whiplash of treatment, but this then fueled even more 'questions' I would bring up very so often which in his defence, is frustrating to deal with. By that point I just didnt feel like I could talk to him at all haha so I just started reacting and acting to please him only which was stupid looking back but my head was all over the place. This was all during a month long distance, everything was okay before. Just wish he would have told me he was falling out of love instead of stringing me along knowing how much I was hurting you know. Annoying. 

He did you a favor. This person you describe is not a person you want in your life. There was nothing, NOTHING, you could have done to fix this relationship. Seriously, try to see this as a gift. You didn't waste too much time with him.

I'm sorry you were hurt.

[glows]

8 hours ago, Bertol said:

He would say it was in my head if i had a problem because he couldnt see the issue himself. He would get defensive anytime I mentioned how I didnt agree with how he was being with me and I noticed that by the end of the conversation I would be the one aplogising for even bringing it up and then he would stonewall me for a couple days, then go completely normal and loving again, then repeat. This made me very insecure in hindsight because i was ultimately convinced he no longer liked me from all the whiplash of treatment, but this then fueled even more 'questions' I would bring up very so often which in his defence, is frustrating to deal with. By that point I just didnt feel like I could talk to him at all haha so I just started reacting and acting to please him only which was stupid looking back but my head was all over the place. This was all during a month long distance, everything was okay before. Just wish he would have told me he was falling out of love instead of stringing me along knowing how much I was hurting you know. Annoying. 

He may just not agree with you but his major mistake is to keep thinking it’s ok to minimize his partner and dismiss them, invalidate their concerns or make someone feel small and unimportant on a daily or regular basis. It’s better to walk away. I think behaviour like that is crossing over into emotional abuse and not acceptable.

Thank your lucky stars this didn’t work out. 

[basil67]

14 hours ago, Bertol said:

He would say it was in my head if i had a problem because he couldnt see the issue himself. He would get defensive anytime I mentioned how I didnt agree with how he was being with me and I noticed that by the end of the conversation I would be the one aplogising for even bringing it up and then he would stonewall me for a couple days, then go completely normal and loving again, then repeat. This made me very insecure in hindsight because i was ultimately convinced he no longer liked me from all the whiplash of treatment, but this then fueled even more 'questions' I would bring up very so often which in his defence, is frustrating to deal with. By that point I just didnt feel like I could talk to him at all haha so I just started reacting and acting to please him only which was stupid looking back but my head was all over the place. This was all during a month long distance, everything was okay before. Just wish he would have told me he was falling out of love instead of stringing me along knowing how much I was hurting you know. Annoying. 

Kindly, you strung yourself along. He treated you badly and yet you kept coming back for more.  Whether or not he actually loved you should not be part of the equation for continuing in a relationship which you already know isn't working for you.   Even if someone thinks they are utterly in love with you, if you don't like how they treat you and nothing changes, you just dump them and move on.

Given the bolded history, of course he was going to act like he did when you finally gave him the ultimatum.  This is why having a breakup line which is pretty meaningless is important to have under your belt.  "It's not you, it's me"  and no further conversation is the way to go

Edited November 12, 2023 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

OP, this was your first love, so it makes sense that it’s taking longer to process the breakup. You don’t have the benefit of experience to temper your emotions. Just let yourself grieve the loss of the relationship and accept it will take time to move on. 

[Bertol]

I went out last weekend and I’ve only just processed this really as I had a busy week. 
Me and my ex broke up 2.5 months ago, I initiated the breakup because he was treating me poorly and refused to acknowledge it, and even a couple of weeks ago I contacted him for the first time since the breakup asking him to stop approaching me in public as if nothing happened because I find it uncomfortable if he won’t give any closure (for things i won’t bother mentioning here) and he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong, told me he won’t give me closure and blamed me essentially for everything and how I made him feel unappreciated. Then said to leave him alone and get out his life haha (ironic).

 

Anyway, I saw him at a party with his new girlfriend, whom he also happens to be house mates with despite them BOTH only just getting out of relationships in the last couple months and all she does is post secret tiktoks about her ex and how shes hurt/ misses him. He was all over her yet apparently was staring at me (i blocked him out because i didn’t want to see it at all). They’ve been seeing each other a while from what I’ve seen myself. I didn’t really care, im not sure why im suddenly bothered by it. It may be the sudden disregard from him and how easily he can replace me, i left because i was being treated poorly, which was the last thing i wanted to do, not because i wanted to eradicate him from my existence and get with other guys (i still cannot and have no interest to even after this long). 
 

looking to see if other people have been through similar things and how they cope with it. I do not want him back, its my first breakup and im just trying to learn it. 

[Alpacalia]

You made a good decision for yourself. Now he's some other woman's problem. That will eventually sink in but right now, things still feel fresh. It's getting better already though. Just do your best to stay busy and meet someone good. It's just gonna take a little time to get there. It's okay to feel a little raw right now. It's only natural because he was once a big part of your life. Do your best to let it go and pretend he's invisible whenever you see him. Spend your time imagining where you want to be and you'll get there. Picture a bright, happy present and happily pursue it.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Bertol said:

, I saw him at a party with his new girlfriend,  all she does is post secret tiktoks about her ex and how shes hurt/ misses him. He was all over her yet apparently.

Sorry this is happening. Are you hoping he regrets breaking up and wants to reconcile? What is the real reason you won't block him and keep talking to him about "closure"?

Please try to avoid him and please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Please stop viewing his new GFs social media.  The longer you obsess about him and her the worse you'll feel. Please free yourself from this. 

Is this the same man?

 

[Bertol]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you hoping he regrets breaking up and wants to reconcile? What is the real reason you won't block him and keep talking to him about "closure"?

Please try to avoid him and please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Please stop viewing his new GFs social media.  The longer you obsess about him and her the worse you'll feel. Please free yourself from this. 

Is this the same man?

 

No, I do not want to get back with him. I broke up with him so hr can’t really regret it, and I broke up with him for good reason since no matter how much i loved him the way I was treated wasn’t fair. I have removed him from social media, and his girlfriend. I contacted him only once since the breakup, however I see him around all the time, I don’t talk to him, but our town is small. 

I believe after looking into it I was more attached to him than anything, its still sad seeing him around happy as if he didn’t destroy me as a person and he’s genuinely convinced he did nothing wrong, but I suppose that this was great character development for me at least 😂

[d0nnivain]

There's a feeling of loss & failure when a relationship ends.  You wonder what you could have done differently to make it work.  Sometimes the answer is nothing because the other person just wasn't pulling their weight or you two were incompatible.  

Dating is a try out.  You tried with him & it didn't work.  So now you move on. 

It's tough when you run in the same circles.  Don't dump your friends but do broaden your horizons.  

Understand something very important.  Closure comes from within, not the other person.  If the other person had to words to heal you, odds are you would not have broken up in the 1st place.   Take that latest conversation where he told you to leave him alone as the last conversation.  That is your closure.  He's moved on so you should too.  

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, Bertol said:

he won’t give any closure (for things i won’t bother mentioning here) and he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong, told me he won’t give me closure 

I don't know what you mean by "closure".  "Closure" is not something he can give you.  You give YOURSELF closure by cutting off contact with him and moving on with your life.  That's it, that's the only "closure" you're ever going to get.

[stillafool]

Just be glad he's with someone else now so you aren't tempted to try to get back with him.  You said you had a very good reason for breaking up so keep that reason in the front of your mind when you feel hurt.  He should be blocked so you can't reach him and he can't contact you.  The best way to not know he's looking at you in public is to not be looking at him.  I agree he does not owe you closure because you broke up with him, dumpers get their closure when they dump.  Plus the only one who can give you closure and put your mind at ease is you.