[Dumper] Could I have done more?

[blackcat0114]

BF and I were together for 4 years, lived together for one before I moved away for graduate school (2 year program). We planned to stick it through for the long-haul, so that's why my breakup came as a betrayal. 

He and I have had intimacy issues for ~1.5 years. By this I mean, we gradually, then all at once almost, stopped having sex.

To make a long-story short, 100% of the 'why are we not having sex' conversations were initiated by me (We had this convo more times than I could count and I cannot remember a single time he brought it up). In the end, I was never blaming him nor I for our troubles, I mostly felt like maybe through talking about it we could find the root cause, a solution, or even just feel momentarily closer (which could help in either of us feeling safe to initiate sex). But he would always feel like I was always never content with him and the relationship, and it made him feel like even though things seemed happy with me in the moment, that under the surface I was disappointed with him and that a serious conversation was always on the horizon. He wondered why I didn't just initiate sex more then, instead of bringing up another serious conversation. 

Whether or not I am right to feel this way, these conversations would always have the effect of me feeling alienated, alone in my struggles in the relationship. I knew I was seen as the 'needy' one. I wondered why I couldn't just zip my mouth about it, grow a pair of balls and initiate sex more on my own, take the situation into my own hands. I have no answer for why I couldn't do this. Maybe it has to do with the complex relationship that emotions and sex/horniness has for females, but I literally felt incapable of initiating sex with someone who I didn't feel, at least occasionally, looked at me with desire, flirted with me, etc.

But now that I have initiated the breakup, I feel horrible. I am constantly wondering if I could have done more. Well I know for a fact that I could have, but it all feels too late after over a year of these issues and feeling so alone. I would desperately love some advice.

Thank you for reading. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, blackcat0114 said:

.he and I have had intimacy issues for ~1.5 years. By this I mean, we gradually, then all at once almost, stopped having sex.I am constantly wondering if I could have done more. 

Sorry this is happening. You made the right decision. He's been checking out of the relationship for a while.  Even though you tried talking about it just wasn't working. Set yourself free. 

[stillafool]

No there's nothing more you could have done.  You expressed to him many times that you were concerned that he never initiated sex.  He didn't improve and you don't feel as a female, you should have to initiate sex.  Therefore, you two are not sexually compatible.  It will not get any better on his part because he doesn't have the drive to pursue you sexually.  You're going to either have to swallow your pride and ask him for it or better yet, find a man who wants you.  How old are you two?

[blackcat0114]

17 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He didn't improve and you don't feel as a female, you should have to initiate sex.  [...] How old are you two?

I appreciate your reply. I don't necessarily think that just because I am female, I never have to initiate. I recognize that I played a part as well in our sex life's deterioration by not being more proactive - this is why I do not blame him nor myself for the state of things and wonder if I could have done more. But I cannot help but have a mental block where I cannot simply go up to someone and simply start initiating sex when there is absolutely no atmosphere of flirting, intimacy, etc that is preexisting. Maybe I could have even reached a point of feeling emotionally close enough to him to do this anyway if when I brought up the sex thing he was understanding and didn't get defensive, but that was not the case, and so sex got wrapped up in all this emotional mess.

To answer your question, he is 30 and I am 24.

Edited October 16, 2023 by blackcat0114

[d0nnivain]

No there is nothing else you could have done.  You tried.  He failed to respond.  You can't make somebody talk or have sex with you.  

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, blackcat0114 said:

Maybe I could have even reached a point of feeling emotionally close enough to him to do this anyway if when I brought up the sex thing he was understanding and didn't get defensive, but that was not the case, and so sex got wrapped up in all this emotional mess.

To answer your question, he is 30 and I am 24.

There really was nothing more you could have done.  At 30, sex should be on his mind all the time.  Maybe it isn't either of your faults.  There's no arousal and you're not sexually compatible.  You'll be much happier with another man.