what to do

[sadplant]

Hello, 

My boyfriend (22y/o) broke up with me VERY suddenly one month ago. We were together for 4 years. We were a great match. He broke up with me the day after his final exam, he had ‘isolated’ himself for 3-4 months to study and take his med school exams. I think this was one of the hardest and most challenging periods in his life and I think he’s very close to a burn out… (for information: I am in med school as well.) His reason for the break up was that he NEEDS to be alone. When I asked him why, his answer was ‘because I don’t want to feel accountable’ or ‘i don’t know’. He also said that he had his doubts for several months (but we had booked a trip 9 days before he broke up with me) and another time he said that he made his decision 3 days before the actual break up…

The first two and a half weeks we did not have any contact and then I contacted him saying that I still had some things to say and ask. I wrote and read him a letter with all the nice things about us, thanking him etc… He did not give me ANY confirmation about having a good 4 years together/ he did not say anything nice. Despite that we spent 3 ‘wonderful’ (but painful for me) days together, it was just like nothing had happened. But when I asked him why he broke up with me he said ‘I don’t know…’, when I kept asking he again said that he needed to be alone in this point in his life. He also very briefly said (I don't know if it’s important or if I am making it sound important) that he felt very lonely the last couple of months, I asked him why he didn’t reach out or say anything, but then he closed off again. This, but also his behavior* those 3 days, is very conflicting with his need to be alone. (*E.g. I cried and said that I should better go, then he replied ‘you can stay some time longer, if you want...). These were very confusing and painful days for me, the last day I left crying because it was going to be the last time that we saw each other, he on the other hand was really calm/ showed very little emotion. (He also asked if I had a need to see him again the week after, but i said no because i didn't want to get in a situationship or something like that.) From then on I decided to do no contact because he has taking zero time to think about this decision and I will only get hurt if I try to contact him now. He also said multiple times that I needed to move on and let him go and at multiple times he said that we were never ever going to get back together.

I think he’s a dismissive avoidant and is really emotionally unavailable because his parents got divorced when he was young and he had to deal with it all alone. His parents are also really hot-cold kind of people. During our relationship it was really hard for him to open up emotionally and whenever he had a problem, he always wanted to resolve it on his own. 

In my opinion (I may of course be wrong), i think he does not know how to handle the stress from medschool and therefore is really lost in life and does not know who he is anymore. I think deep down he knows that he needs help and that he can’t do this on his own, and I think that’s the reason why he is trying to push me (and his mother as well a bit maybe) out of his life…

I am willing to give him time to figure his life out (even though it hurts that I can’t help him). I know I need to focus on myself and what I feel but I find it so hard to not think about ‘why he wanted to break up, why he’s acting SO cold, why he’s acting so cruel to me, why he’s literally erasing me out of his life, if he will ever change his mind and/ or appreciate what we have’. I don’t know what to make out of this weird and apathic behavior and I don’t know how to shift my focus on myself in stead of him...

[d0nnivain]

Why he left doesn't matter.  You have to take care of yourself.  

Think about it medically.  A patient comes in with their arm ripped off.  It doesn't matter if the arm was hacked off by a blade or they were run over by a train or caught in a machine.  The arm is off.  You have to clean the wound & find out if you can put the arm back on.  

You & this guy are broken up.  The fastest & best way to stop your emotional bleeding is to accept that the relationship is over.  He is easing you out of his life because he wants you gone.  So just go.  It will be better for you.  Do what you can to grieve, self soothe & move forward.   

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, sadplant said:

He also said multiple times that I needed to move on and let him go and at multiple times he said that we were never ever going to get back together.

Sorry this happened. He seems not to want to be tied down. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That's the first step in moving on and refocusing on your own life. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, sadplant said:

I am willing to give him time to figure his life out (even though it hurts that I can’t help him). I know I need to focus on myself and what I feel but I find it so hard to not think about ‘why he wanted to break up, why he’s acting SO cold, why he’s acting so cruel to me, why he’s literally erasing me out of his life, if he will ever change his mind and/ or appreciate what we have’. I don’t know what to make out of this weird and apathic behavior and I don’t know how to shift my focus on myself in stead of him...

There is nothing for you to wait around for here or to give him time to figure out.  He's already decided for himself that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.  He's acting cold because he doesn't want to give you hope that he will change his mind.  He was clear that you're never getting back together.  The only thing left for you to do at this point is to accept and respect his decision and move on with your life.  If you're struggling find independent counseling to help you get over him.