Boyfriend is extremely jealous and threatened by my childrens' father. who is in the wrong here?

[ajc95]

Long story short, my ex and I have 2 kids together that we coparent. We broke up 1.5 years ago but still see each other on a weekly basis because of our kids. I have been dating my current boyfriend for 8 months now. I made it very clear at the beginning that my ex would always be in my life because we have kids together and he was accepting of it at first but got more jealous over time. I can't even mention my childrens' father now without him getting extremely upset even if it's only regarding coparenting. My ex called me today and my boyfriend saw that my ex's contact photo is a picture of him and the kids and now he says he doesn't want to speak to me anymore and says he is incredibly hurt by this. Is it inappropriate for my ex's contact photo on my phone to be him and our kids? My boyfriend is livid and says I betrayed him by using that photo and accuses me of looking at that photo with "admiration and fondness" whenever my ex calls me (which I do not). Am I crossing the line by using a photo of my ex and the kids together?

[basil67]

I think it's a little odd to have a nice photo of your ex pop up each time he is in contact, but I don't think it's terrible.  Personally, I would have just left the space blank.   How often are you and your ex in contact?   Do you ever chat about things which aren't related to the kids?

[ajc95]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think it's a little odd to have a nice photo of your ex pop up each time he is in contact, but I don't think it's terrible.  Personally, I would have just left the space blank.   How often are you and your ex in contact?   Do you ever chat about things which aren't related to the kids?

we are in contact a few days a week to discuss coparenting logistics. he will randomly text throughout the week to ask how the kids are doing (they are with me during the week). we don't often engage in conversation outside of coparenting but will have small talk from time to time. he updates me about his personal/work life when we see each other sometimes.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

we are in contact a few days a week to discuss coparenting logistics.

Yes, this is necessary.

Quote

he will randomly text throughout the week to ask how the kids are doing (they are with me during the week

This is unnecessary and I can see why your boyfriend was annoyed.  Your ex chose to leave you all, so stop rewarding him with updates on the kids.  

Quote

we don't often engage in conversation outside of coparenting but will have small talk from time to time. he updates me about his personal/work life when we see each other sometimes.

There is no need for him to be telling you about his personal life or work unless it affects the children.  And you shouldn't be seeing each other unless it's for handover of kids. 

I was reading back on your old thread.  Is there still a part of you which wants him to come back?  I'm starting to wonder if your jealous boyfriend was getting a certain vibe from you.   A big blow up like this doesn't generally happen out of the blue.  Did this jealous boyfriend previously express concerns about how close you are to your children's father?  If so, what was he concerned about and what did you do in response?

Edited October 18, 2023 by basil67

[ajc95]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, this is necessary.

This is unnecessary and I can see why your boyfriend was annoyed.  Your ex chose to leave you all, so stop rewarding him with updates on the kids.  

There is no need for him to be telling you about his personal life or work unless it affects the children.  And you shouldn't be seeing each other unless it's for handover of kids. 

I was reading back on your old thread.  Is there still a part of you which wants him to come back?  I'm starting to wonder if your jealous boyfriend was getting a certain vibe from you.

we only see each other when it involves the kids. the kids have dance practice on weekends so we meet up for that and while they are in dance class, we will chit chat and times and will sometimes get lunch with the kids afterwards. that is the only time we spend together. we have gone to fun events with the kids as a family but that is rare. a few weeks ago, we took the kids to a pumpkin patch. we obviously have time in the car together on the drive there so we chat about life. i will always have love for him because he is the father of my children but not in the passionate, romantic way.

[glows]

I don’t think you’ve crossed any lines having a photo of him and your kids. He produced those kids in the first place so why is that inappropriate to your boyfriend? Now if instead you had a photo of you and your ex together with the kids as his contact photo that sends a different message as if you don’t see yourself completely broken up as a couple even though of course you’re both their parents.

I suspect your bf is resentful that you are in contact with your ex, period, and it has little to do with the photo itself. You share a life of coparenting and have deeper history with someone else than himself and he feels threatened by that. He is being honest with you and raw but he’s also doing you both a disservice if he can’t recognize this is what healthy coparenting looks like. Is he a parent too or does your bf have kids? He seems quite insecure. 

About having to state that your ex will always be in your life - that’s quite blunt and can throw an already insecure person off. I’m taken aback that you had to state that at all. You feel threatened too because your family relationships are questioned. I think it’s best to have a sit down at a good time with no interruptions and be honest about what you both want out of this. Where do you see a future with this bf.

Edited October 18, 2023 by glows

[NuevoYorko]

Your boyfriend sounds insecure to the point of being problematic.  I'm not sure he can even deal with having a relationship with a woman who has children and a coparenting relationship with an ex.

That said, I'm not sure why you are going to pumpkin patches "as a family" with your ex and kids, unless your boyfriend were coming along as well.  I don't think that there's anything wrong with you doing that ... but it's very "coupley" and it's understandable that any man you get involved with might not like it.

[ajc95]

20 minutes ago, glows said:

I don’t think you’ve crossed any lines having a photo of him and your kids. He produced those kids in the first place so why is that inappropriate to your boyfriend? Now if instead you had a photo of you and your ex together with the kids as his contact photo that sends a different message as if you don’t see yourself completely broken up as a couple even though of course you’re both their parents.

I suspect your bf is resentful that you are in contact with your ex, period, and it has little to do with the photo itself. You share a life of coparenting and have deeper history with someone else than himself and he feels threatened by that. He is being honest with you and raw but he’s also doing you both a disservice if he can’t recognize this is what healthy coparenting looks like. Is he a parent too or does your bf have kids? He seems quite insecure. 

About having to state that your ex will always be in your life - that’s quite blunt and can throw an already insecure person off. I’m taken aback that you had to state that at all. You feel threatened too because your family relationships are questioned. I think it’s best to have a sit down at a good time with no interruptions and be honest about what you both want out of this. Where do you see a future with this bf.

my boyfriend is not a parent and has no kids. his dream is to have kids of his own. he wants to be a dad so bad. i know he is resentful because he tells me his wishes that my kids with my ex were mine and his....my boyfriend talks about wanting a future with me but can't handle any talk of my ex being in the picture. my ex bought my the phone i currently am using years ago and when he found out, he was livid and held it against me for still using something my ex bought me...

[ajc95]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Your boyfriend sounds insecure to the point of being problematic.  I'm not sure he can even deal with having a relationship with a woman who has children and a coparenting relationship with an ex.

That said, I'm not sure why you are going to pumpkin patches "as a family" with your ex and kids, unless your boyfriend were coming along as well.  I don't think that there's anything wrong with you doing that ... but it's very "coupley" and it's understandable that any man you get involved with might not like it.

do coparents normally not do fun events with their kids together? i just think of it as healthy coparenting.

[glows]

36 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

my boyfriend is not a parent and has no kids. his dream is to have kids of his own. he wants to be a dad so bad. i know he is resentful because he tells me his wishes that my kids with my ex were mine and his....my boyfriend talks about wanting a future with me but can't handle any talk of my ex being in the picture. my ex bought my the phone i currently am using years ago and when he found out, he was livid and held it against me for still using something my ex bought me...

Seriously.. just run. Why are you with someone like this? He sounds abusive and extremely possessive. While I understand he has desires to have a family, he is so completely out of line for imagining these are his kids. It’s so clear now why he’s angry and controlling. He wants to be their dad but they already have a father. He wants to make it as if your past and the father of your kids don’t exist. 

 

Edited October 18, 2023 by glows

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ajc95 said:

Long story short, my ex and I have 2 kids together that we coparent. We broke up 1.5 years ago but still see each other on a weekly basis because of our kids. I have been dating my current boyfriend for 8 months now.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately your BF is overreacting. Your children come first and whatever is best for them.

Do you live together? How is your relationship otherwise?  Do you argue a lot?  Is this the same man who was on the rebound and left for 6 mos?

You also mentioned you were trying to get back together with the father of your children up until a year ago and that he was abusive, violent and doesn't pay child support. 

Unfortunately both these relationships seem turbulent and unstable. Please try to do whatever is best for yourself and your children. Please set appropriate boundaries with both these men. 

Jumping from the frying pan to the fire from one abusive relationship to another filled with possessiveness and conflicts is something to discuss with your therapist. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ajc95 said:

we only see each other when it involves the kids. the kids have dance practice on weekends so we meet up for that and while they are in dance class, we will chit chat and times and will sometimes get lunch with the kids afterwards. that is the only time we spend together. we have gone to fun events with the kids as a family but that is rare. a few weeks ago, we took the kids to a pumpkin patch. we obviously have time in the car together on the drive there so we chat about life. i will always have love for him because he is the father of my children but not in the passionate, romantic way.

With the bolded in mind (plus the midweek texts to you for updates) , I can see where the boyfriend is coming from and I think the photo was just the proverbial straw.   If you want to be doing this stuff with your ex in the name of parenting, then do so.  But don't go expecting a boyfriend to be OK with it.  I certainly wouldn't be OK if my partner was spending this much time with their ex.  Why on earth do both of you need to be at dance lessons every week???

I also don't think this is jealously on the part of your boyfriend.  Rather, I think he's rightly concerned about how close the two of you are.  Having the ex in your life for doing handovers and discussing school stuff is one thing...but wanting to be OK with the two of hanging out together so often would be asking too much of many a new partner.

 

[CollinW]

Lol you think it's okay to have a picture of your old family unit as your exes contact photo? 

Your ex doesn't even need a contact photo. I'm the most secure, non petty person on the planet but one of the first things I'm doing is removing the photo entirely on my ex wife's contact. Hell I might just delete it completely and go by memory. I don't want people wondering who's this admittedly gorgeous woman popping up on my screen. 

If you think that's kosher then there is no telling all the other stuff you're doing to make him feel this way. With that said it's irrational to think after producing 2 kids that there won't be left over artifacts of the relationship still being used like gifts. 

I'm not one to throw around the cliche and unhelpful "you're not compatible" but that's what this seems like. 

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

do coparents normally not do fun events with their kids together? i just think of it as healthy coparenting.

No.  No they don't. 

Healthy coparenting is about not making life difficult for the other.  Being respectful in communications, being (reasonably) flexible with access if required, not talking the ex partner down to the kids.

Edited October 18, 2023 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

6 hours ago, ajc95 said:

do coparents normally not do fun events with their kids together? i just think of it as healthy coparenting.

No they don't do things together.  If it's a game or play both parents attend but sit far apart.  Going together in the car is odd & unnecessary.  

You are not co-parenting.  You are dating sort of.   That is why your BF is upset.  Your boundaries are fuzzy at best.  

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, ajc95 said:

do coparents normally not do fun events with their kids together? i just think of it as healthy coparenting.

I would say no. Think of it this way, this is something your current boyfriend will want to do with you and your children (he is already dreaming about the children you may share together and wishing that your children were his children). And you are doing it with another man and the children you share together. 

Growing up, my best friends parents were divorced when I met her. They were the model for me - I didn’t even realize they were divorced until six months after we met. Her dad would come over on Christmas morning to open presents, both of her parents would attend sporting events - but they didn’t do fun things together like go to the pumpkin patch or go to a movie. They were together for major holidays and birthdays and sporting events - and she says now, I can understand how very hard that was for my mother to do.

My boyfriend has a text only relationship with his ex and the mother of his child. That’s not ideal also, but that is his boundary and he put that in place for good reason. If he had a picture of her and his child on his phone, I can’t say that wouldn’t bother me… but, I don’t think I would get upset about it. I don’t know. 

My honest opinion, your current boyfriend is a little insecure and touchy… but, I think your boundaries are a little weak and you could be a little more respectful. It’s great that you are on good terms with your ex - it’s amazing, for your children. But, that relationship has ended and you have started another relationship… as you are discovering, it’s not easy to coparent while in another relationship with another man. These things are very complicated. 

Edited October 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

Yes, your boyfriend sounds a bit possessive, and by no means does that give him license to ban you from ever mentioning your ex. If I were in your boyfriend's shoes I would feel as though perhaps you still have an emotional attachment as mentioned above and I would question if this is the right relationship. Instead, he's choosing to act out and use guilt language. I'm curious where else over his head you two dispute due to his feelings about your ex with aggressive accusations if he's "jealous,".... "hurt," and "incredibly betrayed."

Your ex's contact photo not triggering such a strong reaction from your boyfriend is more appropriate. It's reasonable for him to feel a bit uneasy about it, but his jealousy and mistrust shouldn't determine how you navigate co-parenting with your ex. As long as you are transparent and respectful in your communication and interactions with your ex, then there should be no issue.

I would though examine your own actions and intentions. Are you using the photo as a way to hold onto feelings for your ex? Are you subconsciously trying to make your boyfriend jealous? Ultimately, the photo itself may not be inappropriate, but the underlying reasons behind it could be.

Your relationship with your ex ended (what looks like) a little over a year ago with your Fiance leaving you which is pretty traumatic. And, you've been with this new man for 8 months. Your ex is not in your life because you have kids together. Your ex should be in your current upcoming, medieval and ancient life because you've trusted him with your children and he's helped you rear them. That's a big role in your current life that no one can deny.

But, if you're bringing him in your relationship because he happened to provide you with children, then the two men in your life may end up passing each other like two ships in the night, if you will. You say you have no fondness when talking to him or looking at the photo is you essentially saying that it's all business. It's not to be distracting in your life or memory. This may be where my opinion changes.

Your ex, despite what happened between you two, sounds like he could be stable, protective and responsible. He may be the father of your children, but you shouldn't need him more than you need food, water and air. Consider this when bringing your ex into your current relationship.

Edited October 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

First thing that hit me is that you started dating 7 months after your breakup with your ex. Are you married to him still?

Why was there a need to make it clear to your boyfriend at the beginning? People doing that usually are wanting to justify keeping an ex close to them, closer than what would be considered normal. You are crossing several lines. I am not supporting him being jealous but you’ve got to look at your own actions.

In my phone only people that matter a great deal to me have picture on their contact. My daughters, my mother, brothers, and boyfriend. My ex certainly do NOT have a picture on my contacts even if they have children with me. If my boyfriend took the time to search a picture of his kids with their mother and put that as his ex-contact picture, I would think an emotional link has not been severed yet.

Contacts through the week about children is responsible co-parenting, the chitchatting on your respective lives is not in my eyes. If he comes to your home to pick up the kids and he’d like to tell you he got a promotion or he bought a new car that’s perfectly fine! You are face to face and being amicable, but maintaining a text conversation on other topics than the kids, I find that inappropriate.

There is NO need for you to take the kids together to dance practice, that’s a bit ridiculous to me. Make it each your turn to take the kids. At the end of the class if the children perform in a recital than yes you can go together as parents but going together each week, hell no! It’s the same with the Halloween activities, school activities, picking apples, going to the beach…you do these activities each your turn.

Your mistake is to maintain blurred lines between you and your ex. You act as if you are still in a relationship with him.

I would never tell my boyfriend that I will always have ‘love’ for the father of my children…you’re really telling him this?? If I am asked about my feelings toward the father of my children, I would reply I care for his wellbeing and wish for him to be happy BUT still loving him in a non romantic way?? You are not over this man.

As for your boyfriend he’s got some serious issues. He can’t handle you having a past…why are you dating him? Really? Having a fit over a phone? Could he be more petty. Your bf is jealous, clingy, has low self-esteem. A real man would have broken up with you a long time ago. This one is going to suck up to you and make your life a living hell.

My advice to you is to breakup with this man. He’s not a good person and good role model for your children, second you need time by yourself to process your breakup with your ex, something is unfinished there. You are wasting your time with your current boyfriend and you are wasting his time as well.

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

As for your boyfriend he’s got some serious issues. He can’t handle you having a past…why are you dating him?

Especially considering that you have children with another man. If he can’t handle you having a past then this is not the relationship for him because this man will always be in your life as the father of your children.

The problem here is that your boyfriend wants his own family. This is going to cause a lot of frustration for both of you - particularly if he resents your previous relationship and because you already have children with another man. Complicated, not something you want to rush… which seems to be what is happening. 

Edited October 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[ajc95]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately your BF is overreacting. Your children come first and whatever is best for them.

Do you live together? How is your relationship otherwise?  Do you argue a lot?  Is this the same man who was on the rebound and left for 6 mos?

You also mentioned you were trying to get back together with the father of your children up until a year ago and that he was abusive, violent and doesn't pay child support. 

Unfortunately both these relationships seem turbulent and unstable. Please try to do whatever is best for yourself and your children. Please set appropriate boundaries with both these men. 

Jumping from the frying pan to the fire from one abusive relationship to another filled with possessiveness and conflicts is something to discuss with your therapist. 

My boyfriend and I do not live together. I live in the suburbs with my kids and he lives downtown in the city. We see each other on weekends after I go to my kids' dance class Saturday mornings and switch off the kids with my ex.

To answer your question regarding if  my boyfriend and I argue a lot....more and more over time and I would say 90% stems from his insecurities regarding my ex. It's not even about my relationship with my ex but about the fact that my ex makes more money than him.....My boyfriend is massively insecure because he is 33 and not happy with where he is at in his life. All of his friends are married with kids and making more money than he is. His dream is to become a father and his last relationship that was 5 years ended 2 years ago because she didn't want kids and he does. He is a very traditional man and believes in the provider mindset but I think he realizes he can't provide for me or a family yet and that kills his self esteem and he won't admit it. He has a very stable job but is not happy with his salary. The reason I know this is because I have mentioned my ex's job in the past when we were getting to know each other and he casually asked me about him and I guess he did research on my ex's job and found out roughly how much my ex makes a year which is almost double of what he makes a year. My ex pays for my kids' preschool and extracurricular activities and my boyfriend gets mad about that because I once used the word "provider" on my ex but I meant ONLY IN THE SENSE OF CHILD SUPPORT. Now he won't let that go. It has been 3 months since that incident and I hear him bring it up at least 3-4 times a week "why don't you just ask your provider man?" "do you miss your provider mannnn?" "oh i'm sure your provider man would love that" when he gets snarky with me. He recently asked me if I still own items my ex gave me and after he found out my phone, an expensive watch, and some expensive purses were gifted to me by my ex in the past, he reacted as if I had killed someone. I'm not going to throw away expensive, perfectly good items, just because my ex gifted them to me. He will make snarky comments like "your ex thinks buying you nice things makes him a better man? what a f***ing loser."

[ajc95]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

With the bolded in mind (plus the midweek texts to you for updates) , I can see where the boyfriend is coming from and I think the photo was just the proverbial straw.   If you want to be doing this stuff with your ex in the name of parenting, then do so.  But don't go expecting a boyfriend to be OK with it.  I certainly wouldn't be OK if my partner was spending this much time with their ex.  Why on earth do both of you need to be at dance lessons every week???

I also don't think this is jealously on the part of your boyfriend.  Rather, I think he's rightly concerned about how close the two of you are.  Having the ex in your life for doing handovers and discussing school stuff is one thing...but wanting to be OK with the two of hanging out together so often would be asking too much of many a new partner.

 

i think you are picturing things completely different than what reality is. my ex and i don't do "family events" with the kids every week. it happens maybe once every couple of months. we went out for dinner as a family for our kids birthday and took the kids to an amusement park. the pumpkin patch was months later. we have gone to the movies as a family before but it was maybe 1 or 2 times this entire year and sometimes we'll get some fast food after the kids' class or something. the reason we do it is because it makes our kids incredibly happy. they jump with joy when "mommy and daddy take them together" so we do it once in a blue moon but limit it to prevent giving them the wrong impression.

[ajc95]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

No they don't do things together.  If it's a game or play both parents attend but sit far apart.  Going together in the car is odd & unnecessary.  

You are not co-parenting.  You are dating sort of.   That is why your BF is upset.  Your boundaries are fuzzy at best.  

we only drove together in the car once or twice this entire year and that's because the places we went to were about an hour away. makes no sense to take two cars.

[ajc95]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would say no. Think of it this way, this is something your current boyfriend will want to do with you and your children (he is already dreaming about the children you may share together and wishing that your children were his children). And you are doing it with another man and the children you share together. 

Growing up, my best friends parents were divorced when I met her. They were the model for me - I didn’t even realize they were divorced until six months after we met. Her dad would come over on Christmas morning to open presents, both of her parents would attend sporting events - but they didn’t do fun things together like go to the pumpkin patch or go to a movie. They were together for major holidays and birthdays and sporting events - and she says now, I can understand how very hard that was for my mother to do.

My boyfriend has a text only relationship with his ex and the mother of his child. That’s not ideal also, but that is his boundary and he put that in place for good reason. If he had a picture of her and his child on his phone, I can’t say that wouldn’t bother me… but, I don’t think I would get upset about it. I don’t know. 

My honest opinion, your current boyfriend is a little insecure and touchy… but, I think your boundaries are a little weak and you could be a little more respectful. It’s great that you are on good terms with your ex - it’s amazing, for your children. But, that relationship has ended and you have started another relationship… as you are discovering, it’s not easy to coparent while in another relationship with another man. These things are very complicated. 

i'm still trying to adjust to my boyfriend because he is very different from my ex. my ex was very secure in himself so when i would get dressed up and look good in my last relationship, he'd compliment me and would want to show me off. he would encourage me to post photos of myself where i looked good because he says i deserve to be "shown off" and confident. my current boyfriend on the other hand , got into a huge fight with me because i had posted a single smiling selfie of myself on social media and accused me of trying to seek other male attention. i got complimented while we were out on a date one time and he was fuming because he says he doesn't want others giving me attention.

[Alpacalia]

His comments are childish and it's obvious that your mentioning your ex comes as a wound to his already fragile ego.

I think mentioning these things once in a while gets under his skin way too much.

You've inadvertently opened pandora's box there with the ongoing comparisons...

If he is not able to handle this level of co-parenting communication, there will be major issues going forward. He needs to work on his insecurities and communication skills in dealing with them, or else it's going to be a perpetual thorn in your relationship. Ex's really can be a touchy subject for many significant others, and I can see his perspective to some extent, but he needs to understand that he can't go on taking out his insecurities on you like that.

I would say that this is not something that will be solved unless he comes to terms with these insecurities and understand that he has to offer to both yourself and your kids what your ex cannot- a new perspective superfluous and you probably haven't realized until you mentioned it here.

I wouldn't say "the cat is out of the bag" as I think the cat was wide awake for quite sometime. Many of the times people hide these feelings and behaviors until the get into a somewhat serious relationship. I think it's time he either gets a grip on his insecurities at least with your kids father's involvement in your life or just finds a new gf who's never been married or has any sort of connection to their exes.

The jabs by him will 100% not stop.

Is that something you want to be constantly dealing with?

I don't think you want to leave him, you want a sound mind, see him in a better emotional state but you're up against a brick wall.

Edited October 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

Bottom line is you are not compatible with this boyfriend and you really should end it.  It's not healthy.   He's insecure and possessive, this will not go well 

No.  People do not usually go on family outings with their ex and kids, especially when they are involved in a new relationship.  If you want to do this you need to make it crystal clear to any man you are starting to date that you are still, effectively, "dating" your ex. Not having sex, but going on outings, eating together, etc.   New guys will have to be comfortable with that.  You might find someone who is, but it will be quite a hunt.

On the other hand, when your ex meets someone he wants to be with,  chances are slim that his new woman will be good with his "dates" with you.  And you should be ready to be kicked to the curb when this happens.  

So maybe cut your losses and start "co-parenting" in the typical way that exes do.