Boyfriend is extremely jealous and threatened by my childrens' father. who is in the wrong here?

[ajc95]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

First thing that hit me is that you started dating 7 months after your breakup with your ex. Are you married to him still?

Why was there a need to make it clear to your boyfriend at the beginning? People doing that usually are wanting to justify keeping an ex close to them, closer than what would be considered normal. You are crossing several lines. I am not supporting him being jealous but you’ve got to look at your own actions.

In my phone only people that matter a great deal to me have picture on their contact. My daughters, my mother, brothers, and boyfriend. My ex certainly do NOT have a picture on my contacts even if they have children with me. If my boyfriend took the time to search a picture of his kids with their mother and put that as his ex-contact picture, I would think an emotional link has not been severed yet.

Contacts through the week about children is responsible co-parenting, the chitchatting on your respective lives is not in my eyes. If he comes to your home to pick up the kids and he’d like to tell you he got a promotion or he bought a new car that’s perfectly fine! You are face to face and being amicable, but maintaining a text conversation on other topics than the kids, I find that inappropriate.

There is NO need for you to take the kids together to dance practice, that’s a bit ridiculous to me. Make it each your turn to take the kids. At the end of the class if the children perform in a recital than yes you can go together as parents but going together each week, hell no! It’s the same with the Halloween activities, school activities, picking apples, going to the beach…you do these activities each your turn.

Your mistake is to maintain blurred lines between you and your ex. You act as if you are still in a relationship with him.

I would never tell my boyfriend that I will always have ‘love’ for the father of my children…you’re really telling him this?? If I am asked about my feelings toward the father of my children, I would reply I care for his wellbeing and wish for him to be happy BUT still loving him in a non romantic way?? You are not over this man.

As for your boyfriend he’s got some serious issues. He can’t handle you having a past…why are you dating him? Really? Having a fit over a phone? Could he be more petty. Your bf is jealous, clingy, has low self-esteem. A real man would have broken up with you a long time ago. This one is going to suck up to you and make your life a living hell.

My advice to you is to breakup with this man. He’s not a good person and good role model for your children, second you need time by yourself to process your breakup with your ex, something is unfinished there. You are wasting your time with your current boyfriend and you are wasting his time as well.

that's the thing....my ex and i don't chat about life via text...we catch up in person when we switch off with the kids. i think everyone is under the impression that my ex and i text each other just to talk throughout the week and that is not the case.

 

we both go to our kids' dance class every weekend because that is just a standard we set for ourselves. we want to both feel like we're there for the kids so we both make an effort to be at their classes.

 

i never told my boyfriend i "will always have love" for my ex. i was just saying that here. my ex will always be like family to me because we have children so it's that "family" type love.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

my ex will always be like family to me because we have children so it's that "family" type love.

So you need to find a man that is ok with that. This is not your current boyfriend. Do you see where your different views on life hurt him and hurt you? Those are deep incompatible core values. 

You can include your ex in your life as much as you want, he can include you & you all live like a family BUT understand very few boyfriends will put up with that much homogeneity. 

 

[BaileyB]

44 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

my current boyfriend on the other hand , got into a huge fight with me because i had posted a single smiling selfie of myself on social media and accused me of trying to seek other male attention. i got complimented while we were out on a date one time and he was fuming because he says he doesn't want others giving me attention.

This kind of insecure, possessive, and controlling behavior would not be acceptable to me. I would not be in a relationship with a man who thought or behaved this way. 

Edited October 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[FMW]

It's probably nice for the kids to have both parents at events and to see that they get along.  

I also understand having a non-romantic love for your ex.  I always think it's odd that people can have no positive feelings for someone with whom they once shared a life, and especially if they share children.

As for contact pictures, I have one for almost every contact on my list, including my ex-husband.  So I don't see that as a big deal.

All that said, most people would not to be able to handle that connection being in their partner's life.  I wouldn't like it and I'm not sure I would have made it 8 months with someone who had a similar situation.  I'm not sure anyone who didn't have one of their own would/could.

Your boyfriend's jealousy in other areas is unhealthy for sure.  

You're just not compatible, you see things differently and have much different experiences.  You are not the woman for your boyfriend and he's not the man for you.

[d0nnivain]

It becomes a choice on your part.  The choice is not between your kids & your BF.  Kids come 1st.  

 

But your BF is concerned about the closeness of your & your EX.  Do you want to stand your ground or do you care enough about your BF to make some changes?  Seriously how hard would it be to take the picture off your phone & just have EX's name come up on the screen?  Do you really have to both be at every dance CLASS?  Recitals, sure, but basic class, you should be able to switch off so each parent is there every other weekend. 

 

The fact that your BF is upset about selfies you post & some random compliment you received does indicate he's too insecure.   The combo of him not being able to deal with your relationship with your EX AND this other nuttiness indicates to me that he might not be the best guy for you.   It's your choice.  

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, ajc95 said:

"why don't you just ask your provider man?" "do you miss your provider mannnn?" "oh i'm sure your provider man would love that" when he gets snarky with me. He recently asked me if I still own items my ex gave me and after he found out my phone, an expensive watch, and some expensive purses were gifted to me by my ex in the past, he reacted as if I had killed someone

My brain just splashed all over my desk. 

Why do you allow that man in your life? Why would any woman allow such a man in her life? Life is already hectic with raising children, working, maintaining a home, facing the cost of life going up, running around for this and that- who needs to be treated like that by boyfriend on top of it all ? 

[ajc95]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

But your BF is concerned about the closeness of your & your EX.  Do you want to stand your ground or do you care enough about your BF to make some changes?  Seriously how hard would it be to take the picture off your phone & just have EX's name come up on the screen?  Do you really have to both be at every dance CLASS?  Recitals, sure, but basic class, you should be able to switch off so each parent is there every other weekend. 

i can most definitely make these changes and am happy to if that means my boyfriend will feel more secure and happy in the relationship. the problem is, it's too late. my boyfriend is the type of person that will bring up past mistakes or hurt that we've already talked through billions of times months and months ago up in an argument today, tomorrow, and the next day. so the fact that he already saw that i had that contact photo of my ex , it doesn't matter if i deleted it on the spot. it doesn't matter if i deleted my ex's number at this point. he will be speaking of this for the next 20 years every time we fight if he could. i can delete that photo right now and tell him and he won't react positively. he will just say "oh wow. you deleted your precious photo of your provider man that you love so much?!?!? you already set it as that. you only deleted it because you felt like you had to. doesn't mean s***." i already know he'd say something very similar to this.

[d0nnivain]

Then make him your EX BF & move on.  I couldn't live like that, having everything thrown in my face all the time especially after I compromised to make him happy.  

[ajc95]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

My brain just splashed all over my desk. 

Why do you allow that man in your life? Why would any woman allow such a man in her life? Life is already hectic with raising children, working, maintaining a home, facing the cost of life going up, running around for this and that- who needs to be treated like that by boyfriend on top of it all ? 

he guilts me and tells me he only makes remarks like this because i called my ex a provider man once. but i literally only meant it as in he still has to help provide for the kids financially. my ex does not provide for me. but he couldn't handle that. 

[ajc95]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Then make him your EX BF & move on.  I couldn't live like that, having everything thrown in my face all the time especially after I compromised to make him happy.  

he is overall just such an insecure person. i work in luxury real estate and have seen beautiful houses, apartments, etc. my boyfriend lives in a smaller apartment and he constantly accuses me of putting him down for his apartment when i never have. i really wonder if he was like this with his ex girlfriend. how did she deal with this for 5 years?!?!??

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

he guilts me and tells me he only makes remarks like this because i called my ex a provider man once. but i literally only meant it as in he still has to help provide for the kids financially. my ex does not provide for me. but he couldn't handle that. 

But the question remains, why do you accept to be treated badly like that?

[ajc95]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But the question remains, why do you accept to be treated badly like that?

i guess because when things are good between us and he's not being insecure and jealous, he treats me really well and a big thing is he has met my kids several times and they love him.

[Alpacalia]

26 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

he is overall just such an insecure person. i work in luxury real estate and have seen beautiful houses, apartments, etc. my boyfriend lives in a smaller apartment and he constantly accuses me of putting him down for his apartment when i never have. i really wonder if he was like this with his ex girlfriend. how did she deal with this for 5 years?!?!??

You met this man eight months after your ex-fiance left you.

Maybe on some level this new man you were seeing finally felt like love in the face of rejection.

Then the first argument about the ex. 8 months, wow.

Insecure people don't do well with past secures.

Accept the reality or move on, is the sad truth, in fact it is one of life's hardest lessons.

I'm sorry but you've just become quite a lot of work for your boyfriend at this point. You can imagine how his mind must be spinning with all this information. Men are simple creatures, even the smart ones worry about what they 'heard'. If this is why you are here then you know what that is telling you already. I suggest that things aren't entirely as you make them sound for us to read, but then honestly you don't know what you don't know. If you continually make it a point to be in contact with your ex, when you know this winds BF up. If it is innocent or just managing business, find other ways to make things happen.

All it may take is being able to see clearly that your behavior might be driving him away. Lose-lose or Win-Win, you have to choose. It's all so complicated, but the root of this problem: *we broke up 1.5 years ago* is your very basic communication with your ex. Truth is that at some point it's time to put the adult foot down and make some decisions about how this goes.

Because I really wonder how none of this 'argument' is about the 'relationship' between you and your ex. You know this created a specific entity, the desire made for you-positioning that support, security.

Your boyfriend may have insecurities and jealousy towards your ex's job and financial status, but the root issue here is not about money. It's about boundaries and communication in your relationship. It doesn't sound like you have much respect for your boyfriend anyway. It might be more like you expect him to dumb his intelligence and other accomplishments down several notches so as not to outshine your ex. You serially diminish his basic pride of accomplishment instead of celebrating it.

I'm not saying that as your role but this has broke your own common sense.

End it, because you're both not right for one another. Your ex is a big part of your life. That's not going to change. He was your fiancee and fathered your children. That's just how it is.

[ajc95]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You met this man eight months after your ex-fiance left you.

Maybe on some level this new man you were seeing finally felt like love in the face of rejection.

Then the first argument about the ex. 8 months, wow.

Insecure people don't do well with past secures.

Accept the reality or move on, is the sad truth, in fact it is one of life's hardest lessons.

I'm sorry but you've just become quite a lot of work for your boyfriend at this point. You can imagine how his mind must be spinning with all this information. Men are simple creatures, even the smart ones worry about what they 'heard'. If this is why you are here then you know what that is telling you already. I suggest that things aren't entirely as you make them sound for us to read, but then honestly you don't know what you don't know. If you continually make it a point to be in contact with your ex, when you know this winds BF up. If it is innocent or just managing business, find other ways to make things happen.

All it may take is being able to see clearly that your behavior might be driving him away. Lose-lose or Win-Win, you have to choose. It's all so complicated, but the root of this problem: *we broke up 1.5 years ago* is your very basic communication with your ex. Truth is that at some point it's time to put the adult foot down and make some decisions about how this goes.

Because I really wonder how none of this 'argument' is about the 'relationship' between you and your ex. You know this created a specific entity, the desire made for you-positioning that support, security.

Your boyfriend may have insecurities and jealousy towards your ex's job and financial status, but the root issue here is not about money. It's about boundaries and communication in your relationship. It doesn't sound like you have much respect for your boyfriend anyway. It might be more like you expect him to dumb his intelligence and other accomplishments down several notches so as not to outshine your ex. You serially diminish his basic pride of accomplishment instead of celebrating it.

I'm not saying that as your role but this has broke your own common sense.

End it, because you're both not right for one another. Your ex is a big part of your life. That's not going to change. He was your fiancee and fathered your children. That's just how it is.

we have attempted to end the relationship several times recently. we would agree to meet in person and talk things out calmly and decide it's for the best to not see each other again...but then we don't have the heart or willpower to follow through and will continue to talk afterwards until we decide we don't actually want to split up. it's a difficult situation.

[Gaeta]

19 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

i guess because when things are good between us and he's not being insecure and jealous, he treats me really well and a big thing is he has met my kids several times and they love him.

That is not a good reason enough to keep someone this toxic in your life and around your children. Every abuser has a kind side but it does not excuse the bad treatments. I would not want this man around my children, it's a matter of time before he unloads on them the way he unloads on you, or, he starts unloading on you in front of them! Children understand the world, they know parents divorce and bf/gf break up. They will get over it faster than you think. They will probably not even move an eyebrow. 

[ajc95]

i will end this relationship. sucks but neither of us deserve this torture.

[Gaeta]

This is the right thing to do and stick to your guns now. No meeting over coffee and chitchatting. A good relationship if filled with respect, patience and understanding from both parties. 

[ajc95]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is the right thing to do and stick to your guns now. No meeting over coffee and chitchatting. A good relationship if filled with respect, patience and understanding from both parties. 

wait, so i shouldn't end the relationship in person? isn't that the respectful way to do it? i feel like a phone call or text breakup seems immature and shitty...

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

wait, so i shouldn't end the relationship in person? isn't that the respectful way to do it? i feel like a phone call or text breakup seems immature and shitty...

I was referring to the fact you tried to breakup several times then you'd meet and get back together? I am saying once you broke up, do not meet again, do not talk again.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, ajc95 said:

we have attempted to end the relationship several times recently. we would agree to meet in person and talk things out calmly and decide it's for the best to not see each other again...but then we don't have the heart or willpower to follow through and will continue to talk afterwards until we decide we don't actually want to split up. it's a difficult situation.

 

Find the backbone.   You have one, especially if you work in luxury real estate.  That market is full of sharks. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ajc95 said:

My boyfriend and I do not live together. I He will make snarky comments like "your ex thinks buying you nice things makes him a better man? what a f***ing loser."

Be happy you don't live together. Please reconsider the relationship. He has a chip on his shoulder and is already possessive, argumentive and verbally abusive.

Please don't jump from one abusive relationship to another. Please try to put the needs of your children first, not someone who is angry that his ex didn't want kids and has hangups about his ego and earning potential.

Distance yourself from this BF and try to employ  better boundaries with your children's father including more structured visitation and child support. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, ajc95 said:

we have attempted to end the relationship several times recently. we would agree to meet in person and talk things out calmly and decide it's for the best to not see each other again...but then we don't have the heart or willpower to follow through and will continue to talk afterwards until we decide we don't actually want to split up. it's a difficult situation.

You're stuck in 2 descriptions of both equally damaged relationships. It will be for the best for your now and in the future to break up with your boyfriend. It is only bound to get worse.

Instead of fighting for an empty relationship, I'd suggest you start thinking about your life now. You know that it will only cause a lot of emotional damage to your children and yourself.

Try to also have firmer boundaries with your ex. From the sounds of your prior thread, he was physically abusive towards you so spending any kind of 1 on 1 time even for your children's sakes is a slippery slope.

Unfortunately, you've landed yourself into another hostile relationship.

The kids will always deal with conflict from the three of you.

Edited October 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

You are conflating two unrelated things.

1) You are in another dysfunctional relationship.  Your boyfriend is not boyfriend material, not for anyone and not under any circumstances.  He is probably heading towards outright abusive behavior if it hasn't already come to that.  He is showing all the traits blindingly.  So ... stop pointing out all his bad behavior, we all get it, it's textbook.  Are you still in therapy?  If you aren't, get back in it.  You are subjecting yourself AND YOUR LITTLE KIDS to a very toxic situation.

2)  I guess you are still angling to try to get your ex back.  I just read your past threads and no way are you past that breakup.  You are not "relationship material" for anyone either, until you do some work to get closure and boundaries where your ex is concerned.

As I already said, your co-parenting / dating mashup is not going to be acceptable to most men you will meet.  Certainly not to this one, but he's a loose cannon regardless.   Anyway, if you want to keep spending "family time"  like this going forward, be sure to give explicit details of how you spend your co-parenting time with the ex to all guys you date, on the FIRST MEETING, so they can decide if they are down for it.  I mean details:  You go out to lunch, travel together to outings like the pumpkin patch and spend days, sit together during dance classes, all of it.  

Honestly, you're not being honest (with yourself or with the borderline psycho boyfriend you have) - you are almost certainly trying, still, to get your ex back.  So a healthy guy will see through this and not go for your situation, where he might if a reasonable time had passed since your breakup etc.

Very importantly:  Be prepared for your ex, assuming you do not reunite, getting into a serious relationship and then suddenly putting strict boundaries on your co-parenting / dating events.   His chances of finding a quality woman who is interested in that going on are as slim as yours are of finding a likeminded fellow.

 

 

 

[Lisa]

This thread has had a clean up of argumentative content.  Please make sure your posts address the OP and do not disparage comments from other posters

[ajc95]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Be happy you don't live together. Please reconsider the relationship. He has a chip on his shoulder and is already possessive, argumentive and verbally abusive.

Please don't jump from one abusive relationship to another. Please try to put the needs of your children first, not someone who is angry that his ex didn't want kids and has hangups about his ego and earning potential.

Distance yourself from this BF and try to employ  better boundaries with your children's father including more structured visitation and child support. 

i will end it. i already know it won't last regardless of my coparenting relationship with my ex because my boyfriend is just resentful towards me overall. you couldn't have said it better when you said "chip on his shoulder". he is constantly self loathing and even got mad at me and resented me when he found out my parents helped me pay for college back in the day while he has student loans and had to pay on his own. we were raised differently and he holds my "easier" upbringing against me.