Boyfriend is extremely jealous and threatened by my childrens' father. who is in the wrong here?

[ajc95]

45 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You are conflating two unrelated things.

1) You are in another dysfunctional relationship.  Your boyfriend is not boyfriend material, not for anyone and not under any circumstances.  He is probably heading towards outright abusive behavior if it hasn't already come to that.  He is showing all the traits blindingly.  So ... stop pointing out all his bad behavior, we all get it, it's textbook.  Are you still in therapy?  If you aren't, get back in it.  You are subjecting yourself AND YOUR LITTLE KIDS to a very toxic situation.

2)  I guess you are still angling to try to get your ex back.  I just read your past threads and no way are you past that breakup.  You are not "relationship material" for anyone either, until you do some work to get closure and boundaries where your ex is concerned.

As I already said, your co-parenting / dating mashup is not going to be acceptable to most men you will meet.  Certainly not to this one, but he's a loose cannon regardless.   Anyway, if you want to keep spending "family time"  like this going forward, be sure to give explicit details of how you spend your co-parenting time with the ex to all guys you date, on the FIRST MEETING, so they can decide if they are down for it.  I mean details:  You go out to lunch, travel together to outings like the pumpkin patch and spend days, sit together during dance classes, all of it.  

Honestly, you're not being honest (with yourself or with the borderline psycho boyfriend you have) - you are almost certainly trying, still, to get your ex back.  So a healthy guy will see through this and not go for your situation, where he might if a reasonable time had passed since your breakup etc.

Very importantly:  Be prepared for your ex, assuming you do not reunite, getting into a serious relationship and then suddenly putting strict boundaries on your co-parenting / dating events.   His chances of finding a quality woman who is interested in that going on are as slim as yours are of finding a likeminded fellow.

 

 

 

i am not too concerned about dating after this relationship ends. i would like to just focus on my kids and job. in regards to you saying i am still aiming to get my ex back, what makes you say that? what gives you that impression? i don't think my ex will be dating anytime soon. i just found out that he just lost his job this week. he's a workaholic and his job was his life so i assume he feels pretty shitty right now.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, ajc95 said:

i think you are picturing things completely different than what reality is. my ex and i don't do "family events" with the kids every week. it happens maybe once every couple of months. we went out for dinner as a family for our kids birthday and took the kids to an amusement park. the pumpkin patch was months later. we have gone to the movies as a family before but it was maybe 1 or 2 times this entire year and sometimes we'll get some fast food after the kids' class or something. the reason we do it is because it makes our kids incredibly happy. they jump with joy when "mommy and daddy take them together" so we do it once in a blue moon but limit it to prevent giving them the wrong impression.

No, that's exactly what I was picturing. I'd say that the only reasonable thing would be being together for their birthday, and that's only if your partner is invited.

To be clear, I agree that your current partner's behaviour is unacceptable and that you should end it.  And it's possible he would have behaved this way if you had zero friendly contact with your ex. However, I maintain that your closeness to your ex has exacerbated the problem and wouldn't be acceptable with a lot of men who you may date.  

If you want to maintain the status quo with your ex, perhaps it's best to not be dating

 

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, ajc95 said:

. in regards to you saying i am still aiming to get my ex back, what makes you say that? what gives you that impression? 

Because 12 months ago you were posting about getting back together, seeking psychics who would tell you it was going to happen, etc.  Then 3-4 months later you are with this new guy (I think.  I got a little confused because you said you've been together for 8 months, but 3 months ago in July you were talking about another guy you were interested in ... so the timelines are not quite lining up).    

There was zero time whatsoever to process your breakup and recover from it.  

And now you are engaging in "family dates" with the ex and speaking as if you're surprised that anyone would take an issue with it.   

Seems pretty clear to me that you are very invested in trying to repair your relationship and that family unit.  

[glows]

I wouldn’t focus on either of these men, Op. Theyre both not the partners you’re looking for. The more pressing matter is distancing from any abusive ex or current partner and learning better boundaries in regards to these relationships. I tend to also think it’s nice to be able to spend time as a family even if at the kids recitals but a person who does this must find a partner who is much more secure than this and not prone to being uncomfortable or suspicious. Given your ex was abusive I agree with Alcapalia there’s probably a very slippery slope there. That element alone would give cause to limit time spent with an ex like that. 

In your more recent posts today you mentioned trying to break up but keep getting back together with your current bf. And the kids “love” him. They wouldn’t love him if they knew how he spoke to you. And they will find out or see all this eventually if they haven’t witnessed it already. Don’t teach them that that’s the way relationships work: ridiculing and disrespectful, possessive and abusive. By staying you teach them being possessive, controlling, rude and disrespectful is normal. You’ve made up your mind to break up so do it and don’t look back. I’m glad to hear this.

Realistically? How does one end a dysfunctional relationship where there’s dependency? How do you move forward exactly? Find other ways to occupy your time and practice better boundaries (don’t pick up calls or answer texts, don’t stay in touch on social media or look in on that person). Be pragmatic. It doesn’t matter what the other person thinks. He’s not part of your life anymore. Look for single mums groups in the area if you are looking for support. Look for survivors of domestic abuse organizations or other not for profit or charitable organizations to volunteer in your community to stay busy. If you’re looking for ways to push through and are stuck, heck, start a thread on that and I’m sure everyone will chip in on ways that helped them move on from difficult relationships. 

Edited October 19, 2023 by glows