Which one of us is in the wrong

[EmmaG]

I need to just vent this and am hoping that writing it down will make me see I’m being stupid

 

Met D seven months ago at work, got together after a month. Things developed normally and, because we work together, we’re with each other pretty much constantly so the 6 months has felt like a lot longer. Up until about a month ago, it was absolutely amazing. We were talking marriage, buying a house, everything - we were soulmates and neither of us had ever felt like this. He moved in with me after three months but retained his house for he time being. 

 

then about a month ago, we had an argument because my kid’s dad came to collect them and, despite Darren having met him and chatted to him previously, he didn’t like that I made small talk while the kids were getting ready. We’re both quite fiery but it blew up and he left the house. Then got texts saying he couldn’t do this anymore, it wasn’t healthy etc etc. I will repeat that it had been like cloud nine for both of us and this was a stupid argument. After a week of trying to get him to be rational, he came back and we continued. There has been some other bits of jealousy from him too but I don’t personally think it’s a bad thing as long as you can control it. 
 

This happened again last week. Left again, over a petty bicker, took all his stuff and went back to his. This time, after a lot of texting, he admits that he’s self sabotaging because it’s the best thing he’s ever had and he doesn’t want to get hurt. He’s started counselling, has realised it stems back to his childhood etc etc

 

So again, he comes back. Apologised to me, tells me this is the best thing he’s ever had, he wants to be with me forever and he was being stupid. Been showing me all week how in love and committed he has and there is no way this man is unhappy, he’s like a Cheshire Cat.

 

Then today. He’s arranged to have our house painted so moved stuff. I’m at work. I get a message asking me about a previous (short - think a couple of months so not serious) relationship that I had. There’s only one way he could know about it. He’s read my journal. And it transpires that he’s read it more than once. 
So now he’s left because I’ve broken his trust by not telling him about it. I’ll be honest; he asked me a couple of months ago what serious relationships I’d had and I didn’t mention this one. As soon as I’d said there weren’t any other than what I’d told him, I regretted not telling him about this one but by then it was too late. I should’ve confessed but I knew he’d react like this.

 

For some context, this previous relationship was 18 months before I met him and I have had no contact with my ex since I split up with him.

Darren has gone mad. Said I must be easy if I slept with someone that quick when it wasn’t serious. Told me I’ve broken all of the bonds in our relationship and he can’t trust me so that’s it, he wants nothing more to do with me. Bearing in mind that I have helped him through all of his issues and I s*** you not, I couldn’t have been more supportive. He’s pushed me away repeatedly and I’ve fought for us because I know it’s special.

 

I’ve apologised repeatedly for not telling him but he won’t accept it and says he never wants to see me again. Also hasn’t apologised for reading my journal and said I’m trying to spin in back on him

 

Someone please knock some sense into me

 

 

Edited October 19, 2023 by EmmaG
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[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, EmmaG said:

He moved in with me after three months but retained his house for he time being. then about a month ago, we had an argument because my kid’s dad came to collect them 

Sorry this is happening. Way too much way too soon. It's already extremely problematic that he's interfering with your coparenting and camping out at your house rifling through your things. 

Please ask him to pack up and leave, then change the locks. Please put your children first and focus on your children and their safety. 

This man is trouble. The lovebombing, excessively quick involvement combined with irrational jealousy, possessiveness and snooping through your things are major red flags. Please read up on red flags for abusive relationships. 

 

Edited October 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

Why does it matter "who is in the wrong"?  With conflicts like this, you are not in any way on a healthy relationship path.  It's already toxic and dysfunctional. 

Your responsibility is to your children and yourself and making the best choices; providing the best lives you can for you and them.   If you're in a sick situation, it's immaterial which person is "in the wrong."   The relationship is dysfunctional and it needs to end.

[stillafool]

He's too jealous, too much back and forth and too much arguing.  This is not going to work in the long run.  Maybe it's best for him to stop living with you and go home and then the two of you just date.  If jealousy is still a problem, break up and be happy.

[EmmaG]

53 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why does it matter "who is in the wrong"?  With conflicts like this, you are not in any way on a healthy relationship path.  It's already toxic and dysfunctional. 

Your responsibility is to your children and yourself and making the best choices; providing the best lives you can for you and them.   If you're in a sick situation, it's immaterial which person is "in the wrong."   The relationship is dysfunctional and it needs to end.

It doesn’t, literally that was only the title. 

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, EmmaG said:

It doesn’t, literally that was only the title. 

What are you looking for from this forum?

[BrinnM]

Well obviously it’s unacceptable for him to read your diary. That’s always a breach of trust. But in reality I think 70% of all people would take a glance if they came across their lover’s journal. Which is not an excuse, but I’m just saying. On the other hand, why hide a previous relationship? If past relationship were discussed, and you were asked multiple times, why hide it? That’s fishy and weird. What was your reason for this? I would be upset if my boyfriend did that. I would ask myself what else he’s been hiding and why. The whole relationship would be on shaky ground, because if these things happen, many people would have a hard time trusting. And in my opinion, the older we get, the more difficult it gets to trust someone in a romantic relationship. So why make trusting harder that it has to be? Nobody expects you to be a virgin, especially with a divorce and two children under your belt.

Which brings me to my next concern: your children. I don’t understand why you let him half-live with you that early on. As you can see, you should’ve waited, because there’s way too much back and forth and arguing. Moving in, moving out, moving back in……that’s so bad for kids. Your job is to protect them, and no matter who’s right or wrong, you’ve got to shield them from too much  instability and inconsistency. It’ll stress them out. My advice: Do better!

[EmmaG]

12 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Well obviously it’s unacceptable for him to read your diary. That’s always a breach of trust. But in reality I think 70% of all people would take a glance if they came across their lover’s journal. Which is not an excuse, but I’m just saying. On the other hand, why hide a previous relationship? If past relationship were discussed, and you were asked multiple times, why hide it? That’s fishy and weird. What was your reason for this? I would be upset if my boyfriend did that. I would ask myself what else he’s been hiding and why. The whole relationship would be on shaky ground, because if these things happen, many people would have a hard time trusting. And in my opinion, the older we get, the more difficult it gets to trust someone in a romantic relationship. So why make trusting harder that it has to be? Nobody expects you to be a virgin, especially with a divorce and two children under your belt.

Which brings me to my next concern: your children. I don’t understand why you let him half-live with you that early on. As you can see, you should’ve waited, because there’s way too much back and forth and arguing. Moving in, moving out, moving back in……that’s so bad for kids. Your job is to protect them, and no matter who’s right or wrong, you’ve got to shield them from too much  instability and inconsistency. It’ll stress them out. My advice: Do better!

He asked me once if there was any other big relationships. I said no, I’ve said I shouldn’t have. But it was a few months so not what I consider serious. Maybe two entries in my journal.

 

Moving in together, yes it was quick but my children aren’t young, they’re late teens. 

[EmmaG]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

What are you looking for from this forum?

An unbiased opinion on what’s happened. Not a “who’s fault is it” as such, more a sanity check 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, EmmaG said:

An unbiased opinion on what’s happened. Not a “who’s fault is it” as such, more a sanity check 

Why did your title ask "which one of us is wrong" if you didn't want the answer.  All opinions here are unbiased as we don't know either of you.

[ShyViolet]

It was irresponsible of you to move in with a man you had only been with for 3 months, and to already be talking about marriage.  You can't possibly know a person well enough only 3 months into a relationship to be moving in together and blending your lives like that.  And now you're seeing why this was a very poor decision.  There was a lot you didn't know about him.  He is controlling, insecure and irrational.  It blew up in your face and it turned out that he had major red flags.  Next time you don't rush a relationship like that.  

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, EmmaG said:

It doesn’t, literally that was only the title. 

Why'd you pick that title if it was not pertinent to your issue?

In any case, hopefully you got what you needed.  What are you going to do now?

[EmmaG]

2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Why'd you pick that title if it was not pertinent to your issue?

In any case, hopefully you got what you needed.  What are you going to do now?

Because I didn’t know what to write, just wrote something and thought people might read the actual post 

 

Well I’ve just found an old dead phone plugged in. Asked him why (on text, he’s not here) and he said he thought it was my son’s phone so plugged it in for him. My son was at college, with his phone, and the old phone was buried in a cupboard. So if the coffin wasn’t already slammed shut, that’s the last nail 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, EmmaG said:

An unbiased opinion on what’s happened. Not a “who’s fault is it” as such, more a sanity check 

Both. Way too much too soon. And you described it as “normal”? Moving in after 3 months, talking marriage, “soul mates”, the best thing that ever happened??? 
 

Definitely not normal. Impulsive, sure. Immature, definitely. Inappropriate for someone with kids to have someone move in so quickly when they barely know them, definitely.

 

But not normal.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, EmmaG said:

Moving in together, yes it was quick but my children aren’t young, they’re late teens. 

It doesn't matter.  They are still your children and shouldn't be exposed to that kind of behavior.

Edited October 19, 2023 by stillafool

[EmmaG]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It doesn't matter.  They are still your children and shouldn't be exposed to that kind of behavior.

Cheers mate. I know you hey shouldn’t and I didn’t start the relationship thinking this would happen. I’ve got five months in before there was a single red flag. But hey, thanks for the hindsight 

[ExpatInItaly]

It moved too quickly, and I have no doubt he staged arguments to make his exit. 

I would bet my bottom dollar there's more he's not telling you, but he prefers to find reasons to blame you so he doesn't have to be honest about why he's really ending it. 

I would not be interested in trying to make it work with him. Too much drama and he's clearly already done with the relationship. 

[basil67]

Has he moved out?  If so, count your lucky stars that he's gone.  Close the chapter on that one

[EmmaG]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Has he moved out?  If so, count your lucky stars that he's gone.  Close the chapter on that one

He has and I am, thank you 

[FMW]

He seems very unstable, alternating between name calling and leaving, and over-the-top proclamations of love. 

Reading someone's journal is something that someone does when they are (1) immature or (2) suspicious.  Either are not conducive to building a relationship.

Just make sure he stays gone this time, this sounds like a really unhealthy relationship.  You'll get over it - a year ago you didn't even know each other.

Move on.

[EmmaG]

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

It’s good he’s gone! Your home is your safe place - and it’s your duty to make sure it stays that way for you and your kids!

as a side note - did he pay half the mortgage/ expenses while he was there?

Its important to keep the home life stable and predictable. It’s better he’s gone!

Thank you. Yes he did. I can afford it on my own, I’ve always been clear on that. So it doesn’t affect us 

[EmmaG]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

He seems very unstable, alternating between name calling and leaving, and over-the-top proclamations of love. 

Reading someone's journal is something that someone does when they are (1) immature or (2) suspicious.  Either are not conducive to building a relationship.

Just make sure he stays gone this time, this sounds like a really unhealthy relationship.  You'll get over it - a year ago you didn't even know each other.

Move on.

Thank you. I appreciate your opinion. 
and you’re right, I am a strong person but it’s easy to get swept away with this stuff and feel like you can’t deal with it. So thank you. I’m moving on

[MsJayne]

Darren sounds like a jealous, privacy-invading flog. I'm glad to hear he's gone. But if he's a typical jealous flog he'll be trying to come back any minute. Lock the door and close the blinds. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The answer is that you and your bf were both spectacularly dumb to move in together after three months. To say it politely, you both got wildly carried away by temporary and unreliable feelings. The only exceptions I've seen to this rule of don't rush to move in together is when the covid lockdowns occurred. There were many couples that sped up decisions and moved in with each other quickly because we were supposed to limit our social contacts. But that was a once in a century world-wide emergency. 

Three months in and everything seems amazing--that's infatuation my friend. Absolutely nothing lasting in that feeling. That just means your brain is saturated with high-dose, feel-good chemicals. Sure, there is some genuine connection, but if it feels amazing at that point, you have to chill and not trust that.  That’s why you want to just keep going (living separately) and over time the infatuation will die down and you'll have the chance to see if you and the partner can actually function together in the real world without intoxicating brain chemicals.

Let’s get clear on the lesson you can learn from your failure to disclose this previous relationship. I find your withholding to be a minor sin, but a major practical mistake. You say you didn’t tell him about the ex because you KNEW this guy would react badly. Hello???!!!!! Hello!!!!! That’s your red flag right there. You KNEW he had a deeply insecure side. You knew it! That was your cue to slow down or to not proceed at all. If you have to lie by major omission to keep a relationship going, that means there is something not right about the relationship. Imagine: when we hide stuff, we live in fear of it being disclosed and so the relationship is also on a fragile foundation. 

Don't expect this guy to be fixed after a few months of therapy. He is YEARS away from letting go of all wounds and insecurities that got triggered. 

 

[basil67]

On 10/20/2023 at 12:26 AM, EmmaG said:

I will repeat that it had been like cloud nine for both of us and this was a stupid argument. After a week of trying to get him to be rational, he came back and we continued. There has been some other bits of jealousy from him too but I don’t personally think it’s a bad thing as long as you can control it. 
 

This happened again last week. Left again, over a petty bicker, took all his stuff and went back to his

Thinking back to this, something which stands out to me is that you weren't really listening to what he was saying.  You dismissed the issues as petty...but if he's that angry and the outcome can change the relationship, then it's not petty at all.   This was a major argument where you both stood to learn whether or not there is a incompatibility issue.    Likewise, I think it's was foolish to view his reaction as irrational, as it kind of dismisses his feelings.  Sure, from our angle it may feel that irrational, but if you look at it from his angle and realise that his feelings are real then that's a huge warning sign you just missed.

All in all, you saw this as a blip rather than the huge problem that it was and this is likely why you continued to work with him and then allow him back into your home.  Worse, you just role modelled this to your children.  They see that that they can explode and move out in fury and then return with no consequences.  Or that they should give someone a second chance when they don't deserve it. 

Please hold yourself to a higher standard when dating.  And when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time