Which one of us is in the wrong

[Lotsgoingon]

The answer is that you and your bf were both spectacularly dumb to move in together after three months. To say it politely, you both got wildly carried away by temporary and unreliable feelings. The only exceptions I've seen to this rule of don't rush to move in together is when the covid lockdowns occurred. There were many couples that sped up decisions and moved in with each other quickly because we were supposed to limit our social contacts. But that was a once in a century world-wide emergency. 

Three months in and everything seems amazing--that's infatuation my friend. Absolutely nothing lasting in that feeling. That just means your brain is saturated with high-dose, feel-good chemicals. Sure, there is some genuine connection, but if it feels amazing at that point, you have to chill and not trust that.  That’s why you want to just keep going (living separately) and over time the infatuation will die down and you'll have the chance to see if you and the partner can actually function together in the real world without intoxicating brain chemicals.

Let’s get clear on the lesson you can learn from your failure to disclose this previous relationship. I find your withholding to be a minor sin, but a major practical mistake. You say you didn’t tell him about the ex because you KNEW this guy would react badly. Hello???!!!!! Hello!!!!! That’s your red flag right there. You KNEW he had a deeply insecure side. You knew it! That was your cue to slow down or to not proceed at all. If you have to lie by major omission to keep a relationship going, that means there is something not right about the relationship. Imagine: when we hide stuff, we live in fear of it being disclosed and so the relationship is also on a fragile foundation. 

Don't expect this guy to be fixed after a few months of therapy. He is YEARS away from letting go of all wounds and insecurities that got triggered. 

 

[basil67]

On 10/20/2023 at 12:26 AM, EmmaG said:

I will repeat that it had been like cloud nine for both of us and this was a stupid argument. After a week of trying to get him to be rational, he came back and we continued. There has been some other bits of jealousy from him too but I don’t personally think it’s a bad thing as long as you can control it. 
 

This happened again last week. Left again, over a petty bicker, took all his stuff and went back to his

Thinking back to this, something which stands out to me is that you weren't really listening to what he was saying.  You dismissed the issues as petty...but if he's that angry and the outcome can change the relationship, then it's not petty at all.   This was a major argument where you both stood to learn whether or not there is a incompatibility issue.    Likewise, I think it's was foolish to view his reaction as irrational, as it kind of dismisses his feelings.  Sure, from our angle it may feel that irrational, but if you look at it from his angle and realise that his feelings are real then that's a huge warning sign you just missed.

All in all, you saw this as a blip rather than the huge problem that it was and this is likely why you continued to work with him and then allow him back into your home.  Worse, you just role modelled this to your children.  They see that that they can explode and move out in fury and then return with no consequences.  Or that they should give someone a second chance when they don't deserve it. 

Please hold yourself to a higher standard when dating.  And when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time