Anxiety trying to balance work/life/unexpected family care

[ladyeatinggreens20]

Hello loveshack. I have recently had to make a life adjustment and start caring for my mom who is 80, was living on the west coast and had to move to the Midwest so that myself and my brother can share care. I’m single/and live in a small apartment. My brother lives in a 5 bedroom house. Currently, mom stays with my brother more and I have mom on most of the weekends. Not so bad in theory but in actuality mom is getting tired of going in between our places. So I have limited the amount of times she goes back and forth because I empathize how that can feel. I don’t like that even at my age, so I know how it can feel. My intention is to have not going back and forth at all and instead I would go to where she is to visit and give my brother a break.
 

I feel very anxious and stressed when I know I’ll be bringing mom to my pad. Too much stress can affect another health issue that I have so I have to be mindful. I don’t like discord but there has been lots of it with my sibling. I think my stress could come from me knowing I won’t have time to decompress from work, my already small space gets smaller, I will sleep in my den on a floor Mattress and most importantly I always want to make sure she is ok so I’m anxious and most of the time I don’t rest well the whole weekend because of that. 
 

I plan to have a professional therapist/companion, etc to come to mom especially since my brother soon will not be home during the day. Right now he only works parttime(from home). His wife works from home as well. I work a 9-5 job. My work commute is 40 mins or more Monday-Friday and it’s physically and mentally demanding.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I understand that we all need an occasional break. However, we do not want to place mom in a senior assisted  living center , but we/ I have to work. I am responsible for my bills, no one else to pickup the slack . So as a single woman I have found myself advocating for myself more than I should have to because my brother doesn’t always get that this situation will soon require outside help. And mom does not need to have to keep getting readjusted to two different living environments. I will not be home during the day so mom cannot be home alone all day. She walks pretty well but had a recent health issue that caused her to not be able to live alone, in addition to the fact that she’s aging. I do not want to get so stressed that it affects my work because my job has already been understanding. It is not their responsibility to be any more understanding because my work requires me to physically be there. 
 

Your feedback is greatly appreciated.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

 we do not want to place mom in a senior assisted  living center , but we/ I have to work. 

Sorry this is happening. Please look into an assisted living community or some sort of daycare. Please discuss this with her healthcare providers and social workers. Research what senior services are available in your area both for living arrangements and respite care. 

[glows]

It sounds like you already have a solution. She’s staying at brother’s and you’re going to visit. Have you asked her if she wants a companion? Is it a doctor or professional who recommended she’s not home alone? I’m not distrusting what you’re saying and feeling but I’m wondering what your mother thinks as well and what does she want?

Sleeping on the floor in the den is not sustainable. Does your brother expect this? Not sure what you mean by discord between you two. 

And if brother’s wife works from home and your mother lives with brother and his wife doesn’t that mean she’s not alone at your brother’s house anyway? That is what’s causing your stress isn’t it that she’s alone ..but she is not? Please clarify…

[Alpacalia]

Look into resources, assisted living is a good option if you have the finances for it. But, check with your local elder services still. They may have useful information. Depending on the area she may qualify for registration for elderly health care and respite care. Seek agencies that can offer advice and a list of resources. There may also be support groups in your area for caregivers, which could provide emotional support and helpful tips for managing stress.

Also, look into respite care options where you can have someone come in and care for your mom while you take a break.

I have been caring for my mother since she has been in her 60s and I am going through it now with my father and trying to figure out how to get the proper system in place to support him.

Some days I want to pull my hair out, other days I am thankful for the time I have with them.

It can be overwhelming, especially while also trying to balance work and personal life. It sounds like you have a good plan in place by hiring a therapist/companion to come in and help with your mom. Take it one day at a time and remember that it's okay to ask for help. Caring for a loved one is hard, but you are doing a wonderful thing for your mom.

Take care of yourself and reach out for support whenever you need it.

[basil67]

I have no advice, but I feel for you.  Just want to send my support to you  xx

[MsJayne]

You say you're anxious and stressed, you sound exhausted as well. I'm picking up that there may be some issues between you and your brother which may go back a long time? He and his wife probably look forward to having their home to themselves every weekend, and you can't blame them for that, but he's being unreasonable by not acknowledging that your mum needs outside care. He sounds like he lacks empathy, no idea what it's like to be single and the sole income earner in a household, much less what it might be like to be in that situation and also have to give up every weekend under stressful circumstances, not the least of which is sleep deprivation. When you moved from the West Coast to the Midwest who benefited the most from that? How does your mum feel about extra support, and how does she feel about your brother saying it's not necessary? 

[stillafool]

Does your mother still own her home?  If so, you guys can use that to cover her assisted living costs.

You could get a 2 bedroom apartment or move into your mother's house if she still has it.

I take it your sister in law is not involved in taking care of your mom and it's the responsibility of you and your brother, does this bother you?  My father passed away in January, he was 99.  My brother and I took turns caring for him because his wife is 80 and needed a lot of help.   We didn't depend on our spouses for help.  This went on for 5 years before he died.  It was a difficult time, so I understand what you're going through.

 

[d0nnivain]

It's hard.  I did it with my mother & now we're dealing with it long distance with my husband's mother. 

If mom has her faculties does she really need a 24/7 minder?  If SIL is working from home is that enough?  Can you get an aide a few hours per day to make lunch, assist with bathing etc.  Senior day care may be a good answer.  

If BIL & SIL need a break, can you switch with them on weekends once in a while, meaning you stay at their house & they go to your apartment for some quiet relaxation?  

The best thing we ever did was get aides.  The good ones are Godsends.  

Caregiver burnout is a real thing.  Look around for a support group near you.  Some of them are even virtual.  

[ladyeatinggreens20]

12 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Look into resources, assisted living is a good option if you have the finances for it. But, check with your local elder services still. They may have useful information. Depending on the area she may qualify for registration for elderly health care and respite care. Seek agencies that can offer advice and a list of resources. There may also be support groups in your area for caregivers, which could provide emotional support and helpful tips for managing stress.

Also, look into respite care options where you can have someone come in and care for your mom while you take a break.

I have been caring for my mother since she has been in her 60s and I am going through it now with my father and trying to figure out how to get the proper system in place to support him.

Some days I want to pull my hair out, other days I am thankful for the time I have with them.

It can be overwhelming, especially while also trying to balance work and personal life. It sounds like you have a good plan in place by hiring a therapist/companion to come in and help with your mom. Take it one day at a time and remember that it's okay to ask for help. Caring for a loved one is hard, but you are doing a wonderful thing for your mom.

Take care of yourself and reach out for support whenever you need it.

Thank you so much for your kind words and feedback. I empathize with you without a doubt…

You too, take it easy and don’t forget to practice plenty of self-care.

 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

7 hours ago, MsJayne said:

You say you're anxious and stressed, you sound exhausted as well. I'm picking up that there may be some issues between you and your brother which may go back a long time? He and his wife probably look forward to having their home to themselves every weekend, and you can't blame them for that, but he's being unreasonable by not acknowledging that your mum needs outside care. He sounds like he lacks empathy, no idea what it's like to be single and the sole income earner in a household, much less what it might be like to be in that situation and also have to give up every weekend under stressful circumstances, not the least of which is sleep deprivation. When you moved from the West Coast to the Midwest who benefited the most from that? How does your mum feel about extra support, and how does she feel about your brother saying it's not necessary? 

Thanks for your reply. 
 

Just to clarify, me and brother were already in the Midwest. Sorry for the confusion. My mom is who we had to bring/move to the Midwest where we live. *Also, I don’t have my mom every single weekend. Thankfully I have enough forethought and assertiveness to not take that on every single weekend. But frequent  weekends. I would not be able to function at work… at all , after not getting proper rest/down time each and every weekend.

Amongst me, my mom and brother, I am the only one who acknowledges the fact that we as humans actually need therapy sometimes. So my mom is resistant to therapy but she needs it, per doctor’s order. That being said, regardless of what my brother thinks about it I will continue to advocate and setup therapy appts. My brother won’t advocate for it but he won’t necessarily push back. 1- he also neeeds it but has never openly admitted it. 2- he’s almost delusional in some ways. Intelligent in many regards but prideful to the point where it’s counterproductive.

Yep we have issues that he may never be able to work through so I have worked on issues , on my own over the years. The work I do for a living and the person I am naturally, is quite different from my immediate family for some reason. 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It's hard.  I did it with my mother & now we're dealing with it long distance with my husband's mother. 

If mom has her faculties does she really need a 24/7 minder?  If SIL is working from home is that enough?  Can you get an aide a few hours per day to make lunch, assist with bathing etc.  Senior day care may be a good answer.  

If BIL & SIL need a break, can you switch with them on weekends once in a while, meaning you stay at their house & they go to your apartment for some quiet relaxation?  

The best thing we ever did was get aides.  The good ones are Godsends.  

Caregiver burnout is a real thing.  Look around for a support group near you.  Some of them are even virtual.  

I feel you. Thanks so much for the response.

Yes mom has her faculties and does not need 24/7 care. She just can’t live alone 24/7 because of some moderate mobility issues and not being able to prepare her own meals , make her own doctor appts, drive, etc.

I am actively working on finding an aide for a couple hours a week or so, not so much a round the clock person. 
 

You too, take it easy. I’m wishing you and your husband the best with your current situation. Thanks again.

 

 

Edited October 20, 2023 by ladyeatinggreens20

[Alpacalia]

38 minutes ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

Thank you so much for your kind words and feedback. I empathize with you without a doubt…

You too, take it easy and don’t forget to practice plenty of self-care.

 

Thanks.

Feel free to private message me if you’d like. I know it's challenging. 

[ShyViolet]

On 10/19/2023 at 8:10 PM, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

However, we do not want to place mom in a senior assisted  living center ,

 

Why not?  I think you should not be so fast to discount this option.  Shuffling her between the two of your homes might not be the best thing.  And you shouldn't let this cause you so much stress.  That's not good for you or your mom.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Why not?  I think you should not be so fast to discount this option.  Shuffling her between the two of your homes might not be the best thing.  And you shouldn't let this cause you so much stress.  That's not good for you or your mom.

Thanks for the message. 
 

I think for one, we have seen how inattentive some of the workers are. It’s possible there are nicer ones, we just have to research. I too agree that shuffling her back and forth is not the best thing for her. Everything happened so fast though I didn’t have time to be diligent about researching places in the area where we live. Brother and I were so busy going back and forth out of state to be with her while in the hospital … so much so that once she finally came to our state, we were both just catching a breath in the midst or work life balance, if there’s such a thing.

Nevertheless, I think you’re right. We shouldn’t dismiss the alternative living situation. And I’m working on not allowing certain things to stress me but when I know that I’m about to not have the ability to recharge like I need for work, it bothers me because I’m like …how did I allow this situation to get to the point where I’m not advocating for myself the way I usually do, while advocating for a more reasonable solution for the situation at hand.

 

 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

On 10/20/2023 at 1:15 PM, Alpacalia said:

Thanks.

Feel free to private message me if you’d like. I know it's challenging. 

Thank you. I’m not able to private message. For some reason I’m not seeing the feature anywhere on my end. Maybe I haven’t been a member long enough? I don’t know…  If you’re able, feel free to message me to see if it works. Peace and thanks.

[Alpacalia]

On 10/27/2023 at 10:25 AM, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

Thank you. I’m not able to private message. For some reason I’m not seeing the feature anywhere on my end. Maybe I haven’t been a member long enough? I don’t know…  If you’re able, feel free to message me to see if it works. Peace and thanks.

Just wanted to check in on you and see how you are coping with everything that is going on?

[ladyeatinggreens20]

16 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Just wanted to check in on you and see how you are coping with everything that is going on?

Thanks Alpacalia. That’s very thoughtful.

I’m ok and Mom is too. I’m in a meditative state right now and trying to refocus my energy. The worst part about this whole issue is having to interact with my sibling. Today we had a conversation where he (as he often does) got extremely belligerent and rude mainly because I was holding him accountable for something. He has this type of issue with the women in our family who he’s close to. He assumes there will never be consequences for his actions.

 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

I’m ok and Mom is too. I’m in a meditative state right now and trying to refocus my energy. The worst part about this whole issue is having to interact with my sibling. Today we had a conversation where he (as he often does) got extremely belligerent and rude mainly because I was holding him accountable for something. He has this type of issue with the women in our family who he’s close to. He assumes there will never be consequences for his actions.

That's tough. I do sympathize. Unless it is affirming to you to allow the other person to communicate to you as if you are the one who is deficient, do not engage him.

I do feel sorry for him, and equally sorry for you and your mom. This is the ugly side of "families of choice".

[Gaeta]

I think you should find her a nice retirement home and settle her there where she will be among people her age where she'll make friends, have her own permanent room, where there is entertainment adapted to her. You are not abandoning her, you will be visiting her, you can take her out for the weekend once in a while and take her on day trips. She will be happier, you and your sibling will be happier. 

when I am old I do not want to end up living in one of my kids house. I tell them often to find me a nice home and visit me, I refuse to be a burden on any of them. My parents are 84 & 76, they are still in their home and active but time comes they don't want to live with any of us. They want their own little place in a home. 

This summer I visited my ex-mother in law, she's 96. She's in a home and it's nice, clean, the people there are amazing! she has friends, she gets to sing with a group, they play cards, they have a garden. It beats 100% living in your son's guest room. You guys feel less guilty keeping her home but the truth is she would be happier in her own place with you visiting her often.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

That's tough. I do sympathize. Unless it is affirming to you to allow the other person to communicate to you as if you are the one who is deficient, do not engage him.

I do feel sorry for him, and equally sorry for you and your mom. This is the ugly side of "families of choice".

Thanks for the reply.

One of many things I  have learned as I move through life is to not engage with people who are unreasonable and unstable. Sad part is that I have to communicate to arrange my mom’s care.

You mentioned family of choice… He is biological not by choice at all. Let me know if I misunderstand what you meant.

 

thanks again.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think you should find her a nice retirement home and settle her there where she will be among people her age where she'll make friends, have her own permanent room, where there is entertainment adapted to her. You are not abandoning her, you will be visiting her, you can take her out for the weekend once in a while and take her on day trips. She will be happier, you and your sibling will be happier. 

when I am old I do not want to end up living in one of my kids house. I tell them often to find me a nice home and visit me, I refuse to be a burden on any of them. My parents are 84 & 76, they are still in their home and active but time comes they don't want to live with any of us. They want their own little place in a home. 

This summer I visited my ex-mother in law, she's 96. She's in a home and it's nice, clean, the people there are amazing! she has friends, she gets to sing with a group, they play cards, they have a garden. It beats 100% living in your son's guest room. You guys feel less guilty keeping her home but the truth is she would be happier in her own place with you visiting her often.

Thank you.  I agree with you %100. 
 

Something has to change because as it is now, it’s not working and I feel like my brother only wanted mom to stay with him for optics. That’s his M.O. with several things in his life, even though “on his own” he would barely have a pot to p*s$ in… seriously. And it’s sad when I really think about it. I don’t feel sorry for him but it’s a reality.