Dating girl for 6 months. she's guarded

[MarkV]

I’ve been dating my current partner now for nearly 6 months and we met through friends. Her background is that she was treated badly by her ex of 7 years and she had to restart her whole life on her own with her two dogs which has made her very independent.

We have good chemistry and see each other usually twice a week. We’ve done double dates with her sister and her boyfriend. What is bothering me slightly is that she is a bit guarded which I can understand based on her past relationship. I was hurt by my ex too.

She is an over thinker (which she admits) and worries too much about what people think. Her parents still don’t know who I am. We have a lot of fun when we are together and all has been fine so far in terms of getting to know each other. We only live 10 mins away from each other. There are evenings when she is home with her dogs and I’m also at home too. She said not long ago that she wants me to be with her a lot more and that she wants the dogs to get used to me but I still feel like there are a lot of opportunities missed on evenings when we are both doing nothing. I work with dogs too for my job and love being around them.  When we are together she is affectionate and we text throughout each day. 
 

She doesn’t disclose anything about how she feels about me but I’ve spoke to her sister and she reassured me that she likes me a lot and that I haven’t seen the best version of her yet.

Maybe I’m overthinking it a bit as it’s not been six months yet but when I say about meeting my friends etc she doesn’t say much. It’s like she’s scared to let her guard down and allow herself to get close with her feelings.

Whats my next step? I’m very open with the way I feel (not clingy). I’m an independent guy who has lots of hobbies,run my own business etc. I’ve told her I’d love to spend more time getting to know her dogs etc but I don’t want to scare her off.

Any advice is great. 
Thanks

Edited October 20, 2023 by dv123

[basil67]

You've certainly been patient!  How about you tell her what you're feeling.  That you think she's great but you're confused because you're being kept at a distance both physically and emotionally.  It may be enough to crack her shell. 

I appreciate that you don't want to scare her off, but it's been nearly six months!   If she can't start to open up, you'd be wise to start rethinking this.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, dv123 said:

.Her parents still don’t know who I am. . We only live 10 mins away.  I’ve told her I’d love to spend more time getting to know her dogs etc but I don’t want to scare her off.

How much time do you spend going out or at her place or at your place? 

You've met her sister, but why not the parents or any of her friends and family? 

Why is she concerned about your relationship with her dogs? How does this matter? Have you been to her house? 

Is there a reason why you're a secret as far as her parents or she revolves the relationship around you being with her dogs? 

[Gaeta]

How long was she single when you started dating?

She said she wants to spend more time with you so make it happen. More time together is imperative to escalate this relationship. 

I would give this another couple months, no more. Maybe she doesn't talk about her feelings because she's not ready to love but appreciate the company, don't wait around if it's the case. The rebound/transition guy never wins.

 

[MarkV]

36 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

How long was she single when you started dating?

She said she wants to spend more time with you so make it happen. More time together is imperative to escalate this relationship. 

I would give this another couple months, no more. Maybe she doesn't talk about her feelings because she's not ready to love but appreciate the company, don't wait around if it's the case. The rebound/transition guy never wins.

 

She’s been single for a year. We are spending the day on Sunday with her dogs. We are going to the beach. I’m going to mention that I’d like to spend more time with her and I agree on giving it a couple more months.

[MarkV]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How much time do you spend going out or at her place or at your place? 

You've met her sister, but why not the parents or any of her friends and family? 

Why is she concerned about your relationship with her dogs? How does this matter? Have you been to her house? 

Is there a reason why you're a secret as far as her parents or she revolves the relationship around you being with her dogs? 

Usually when we hang out it’s at her place. If she wants a quiet evening her parents will have the dogs as one of them is very demanding,wanting attention etc (spoilt!) but I’ve told her that the only way we can spend more time together is for me to be around them more and the novelty of a new person will wear off. I’m a dog trainer by trade so I’m the best person in my eyes to deal with that. They are like her kids but I just feel like I could spend so much more time with them and I know she’s not doing it deliberately, but it’s a simple situation where she said to me not long ago that she wants me round hers more with her dogs so we can all be together..I don’t know what’s stopping her. 

I’ve met her family at a wedding last year before we were dating so if I got introduced they would know who I am anyway and her sister said she knows they would like me. She tells me that her mum is lovely but makes conversations all about herself so maybe she’s a bit embarrassed. I’ve met a couple of her friends but many of them live down in London where she is from.

I don’t apply any pressure but I think I’ll have a talk with her. Last week she uploaded pictures of us on the socials and jokingly said “did you see the pictures I posted? Guess that means we’re official now hey!”

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, dv123 said:

. I’m a dog trainer by trade so I’m the best person in my eyes to deal with that..I don’t know what’s stopping her. 

Unfortunately this has nothing to do with dogs. She simply doesn't seem to want you at her place that much. This combined with refusing to tell her family you are dating are good reasons to reflect and reconsider what all her secrets, lies and walls are about. 

[Gaeta]

28 minutes ago, dv123 said:

did you see the pictures I posted? Guess that means we’re official now hey!”

Does that mean that you never addressed exclusivity so far? 

One year out of a 7 year relationship isn't much. Especially if you are the only man she dated after her breakup?

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, dv123 said:

Usually when we hang out it’s at her place. If she wants a quiet evening her parents will have the dogs as one of them is very demanding,wanting attention etc (spoilt!) but I’ve told her that the only way we can spend more time together is for me to be around them more and the novelty of a new person will wear off. I’m a dog trainer by trade so I’m the best person in my eyes to deal with that. They are like her kids but I just feel like I could spend so much more time with them and I know she’s not doing it deliberately, but it’s a simple situation where she said to me not long ago that she wants me round hers more with her dogs so we can all be together..I don’t know what’s stopping her. 

I’ve met her family at a wedding last year before we were dating so if I got introduced they would know who I am anyway and her sister said she knows they would like me. She tells me that her mum is lovely but makes conversations all about herself so maybe she’s a bit embarrassed. I’ve met a couple of her friends but many of them live down in London where she is from.

I don’t apply any pressure but I think I’ll have a talk with her. Last week she uploaded pictures of us on the socials and jokingly said “did you see the pictures I posted? Guess that means we’re official now hey!”

A few issues here…

 

1. one year out of 7 yr relationship when you met might not be enough time.  It depends on how/ why snd how close they were like living together engaged with wedding planned.  If thry slowly drifted apart snd it was mutual/ easy then she could date again.

2. what happened in the end could factor in why does not fully opening up to you.

3. if parents are near where you live, then meeting should have occurred by now. I understand if parents were a distance away and she only sees them 2 times a year.

4. How well did you know her before you started dating? Was this when they were still together?

[glows]

I think you may be reading too much into her lack of communication. She seems positive towards you and is public about your relationship even if on social media. She had a 7 year relationship fail likely after all her family and friends knew that person and thought they’d be together forever. Her being cautious is not at all a bad thing. I suggest a more open approach and start the conversation by telling her how much she means to you. You lead in with telling her first and see how she responds.

Keep in mind that not everyone is very verbally expressive. It’s not something I look for in a partner because I show what I feel by my actions and think that the other person automatically gets it as opposed to have to be told explicitly how much I care through words.

The holidays are coming up soon if not Halloween where you are. Suggest hosting something at your place and invite both your friends over so that all of you have a chance to mingle. It doesn’t have to be you meeting her friends and she meeting yours separately. Just invite those you feel you want present on both sides and have fun. 

The dogs and her may have a routine so while you’re wondering why you’re not together some evenings maybe she’s just gotten back from a 2 hour walk with them, got them cleaned up in this fall weather mud, fixed dinner and is ready to relax. I know that’s what I feel when someone asks to do something. It needs to be planned in advance because dogs love routine as you know being a dog trainer. I’m sure you know her schedule quite well by now so engage with her by being thoughtful. “I understand you all go for your 2 hour hike around this time in the day. Would you care if I join?” Anticipate what she’s up to and figure out something that works for all of you. 

[Alpacalia]

Agree with glows, coming from someone that is less verbally expressive and more action oriented.

She may express her feelings differently than you do. Pay attention to her actions and the effort she puts into the relationship rather than just verbal expressions of love. From what you’ve described, it sounds like she really likes you.

Give her time to build trust and feel comfortable being vulnerable with you. But I get it, sometimes we need to hear it as well as see it. So, it’s important for you to hear that she cares for you. Of course her dogs are very important to her and they hold a special place in her heart. My furry angel baby is my world. I don't see anything wrong with you wanting her to be more verbally expressive. It could just be the way she is wired or related to her past relationship.

You'll have to figure out if this lack of verbal overtures is something that you can live with in the relationship. If this is ingrained in her, don’t try to change her, it’s not fair.

All you can do is encourage and reassure her that she can be open and honest with you. If she does bring up something related to meeting her parents. Just say once, that you would like to meet her parents and then let it drop. 

Of course, you don't want to be in a relationship where you don't see the future moving forward with her, but maybe she has her own reservations and worries about getting too involved with someone else too quickly after her last relationship. You can be up front and don't hold back on things that you need in the relationship. If she’s not telling you not MUCH about how she feels about you after 6 months, then she could take this as ongoing or she’s not sure.

It’s better to tell her what you need and would like out of this and also listen to her – and if both don’t match, you’re already in a position to yourself decide to either wait for her to be more emotionally available or you can look for someone who has the same expectations and can give you what you need in the right season where you’ll feel more satisfied.

[helloladies21]

The simple answer to your post is to have a calm talk with her about how you feel and what you're looking for and ask for the same from her. In your mind, it's time for this to happen and it's reasonable.

Now for a personal story to help sober you: It was just under 20 years ago (20 years!) that I met my second girlfriend on a blind double date. She was my friend's gf. We hit it off right away. But she had been cheated on by her first bf and left for her best friend who got her pregnant. I thought to myself - this is great. I'm this great guy who's going to look like an absolute shining star compared to her ex. What could go wrong?

So we dated for just over a year. I developed very strong feelings for her. And while I could tell she cared for me, she could never let go of her pain caused by her ex. I am of the belief that a women's (person's?) heart can't be in two places at the same time. She broke it off with me and it took me a full year to recover from it.

Looking back on it, there were at least a couple of opportunities for me to confront the issue head on. It essentially would have required me to drop an ultimatum on her phrased in some way or another: either get over him or I'm ending this. I did that with the next girl I dated and she turned into my ex-wife who I was with for 10 years (our divorce had nothing to do with this specific issue). Maybe the same type of conversation would have prodded my second gf to get over her past. I will never know.

My advice is wait and see or kindly talking it through are not the only options. There are other possibilities. Matters of the heart are not always able to be dealt with calmly and by logical conversation. Sometimes you have to let the other person know what you want. Sometimes you have to stick up for yourself and what's right for you. These can be emotionally charged conversations.

Edited October 30, 2023 by helloladies21
Spelling

[helloladies21]

42 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

She was my friend's gf.

I meant friend's gf's friend. I would never date my friend's gf.