Is he being jealous for the right reasons??

[totallyconfused]

I'm really flustered right now.

 

My 3 month bf is extremely pissed off at me b/c of this:

 

I went out to breakfast with two male friends who are from my class. It was the last day of classes and we had just finished up some final presentations. One of the guys was a guy named *Joe (i'll call him Joe) and the other a best friend of mine of 5 years, Dave. I had originally asked Dave to go b/c I was gonna take him out to breakfast b/c he was gonna give me a ride to the airport the next day, but Joe was around so I asked him too.

 

Joe and I had been mutual friends until I became single over the summer. At a club, we had kissed (a couple of times that night) and thats all that it ever lead it to b/c I stopped it. Joe continued to pursue me the next couple of days, however I told him that I wasn't interested and was a bit vulnerable at the time b/c I broke up w/my then x-bf at the time and thats why I had kissed him. I told him that I was interested in someone else (who is my bf now) and that I couldn't date him. I basically flat out refused to date him. I did try to say it in the nicest way, saying that I wanted to be friends with him b/c he is in my circle of friends and I didn't want things to be awkward. This was just this past July 05.

 

I don't think ANYTHING else of him and have clearly explained this to my bf. However my bf thinks that I am completely disrespecting him by going out to breakfast with a guy that I "messed" around with and that I should NEVER ever be around this guy no matter if other friends are around. He is so upset at me and doesn't understand why I am upset at his jealousy and his possessiveness. He truly feels he is right in this situation. Is he?

 

Clearly these are my classmates whom have been in my circle of friends for over 2-3 years. I do not want to pull away my social life b/c of this. I feel like he is trying to control me.

 

We are a LDR and I am supposed to fly out there tomorrow for a company dinner that I accepted to go with him. I don't know if I should go anymore, I told him I would b/c I agreed and don't want to pull out just b/c of a fight, but he continually yells, curses, and puts me down b/c of my "disrespect" towards him. I dont know what to do or say to appease him?? I'm starting to sound and actually feel helpless. I've tried telling him my POV on this, but he will NOT listen and continues to cut me off b/c I don't deserve "respect" anymore. Was I wrong to go out with friends, one in whom I kissed over the summer even though everything is platonic? (BTW Joe has a gf now and we were all discussing how happy we were for him)

[Jayhawkgirl]

he continually yells, curses, and puts me down b/c of my "disrespect" towards him. I dont know what to do or say to appease him?? I'm starting to sound and actually feel helpless. I've tried telling him my POV on this, but he will NOT listen and continues to cut me off b/c I don't deserve "respect" anymore. Was I wrong to go out with friends, one in whom I kissed over the summer even though everything is platonic? (BTW Joe has a gf now and we were all discussing how happy we were for him)

 

Enough said...get rid of this controlling, insecure guy before it is too late. It sounds like nothing you do is enough to make this guy happy...and no one ever deserves to be disrespected like that!

 

Find someone who loves and appreciates you...and your friends

[d'Arthez]

He is an ass. Plain and simple.

 

With regards to the breakfast:

I can imagine that he would have issues, if Joe (as a single guy) and you went for candelit dinner, at an exclusive place. But that is not the case, and there is another friend around. You have dealt with Joe in the past, and it seems a reasonable assumption to make that he is respecting you and your relationship. He has not been chasing you for months, and not when you started your relationship. Joe moved on from that, and now has a girlfriend himself. Joe is not a guy you know for less than a week or anything. But a friend of a reasonable number of years.

Even if Joe and you had been involved for a number of years, it is in the past. The past is done, cannot be changed. Made you the person you are. A innocent going out, such as this is okay by any standards.

 

Now the more important issues: the putting you down, the cutting you off, the punishing of you. These are real issues. Especially in a LDR, where things like trust and respect are vital.

 

These are manipulative tactics that only serve to make you feel guilty for basically what he perceives to be a threat to his ego, and to the relationship. Don't put up with it, and persist in your position. And try to remain calm when discussing things. IM or phone conversations are far from ideal for that though.

 

The yelling and the cursing. Imagine being living together, and actually trying to have a social life. If he reacts like that, imagine how happy you would be.

 

Your position is reasonable. If you put up with this, it won't stop at this incident, in all likelihood. Next thing you know, any time spent with guys outside of the classroom is a form of disrespecting him. Then time spent with guys inside of the classroom is a form of disrespecting him.

 

I would go to the dinner, but one point you seriously need to discuss, is that behavior like that is totally unacceptable. The cursing, the yelling. The cutting you off and the putting you down. If he is unwilling to trust your judgement in your own matters, it is unhealthy for you to be in a relationship with him - and you would be wise to end it then.

[totallyconfused]

things have gone haywire now.

 

heres the deal, he calls me this morning in a rampage. he keeps yelling, cursing and complaining. Its basically the same thing about how I'm "disrespecting" him b/c of the Joe thing. I could barely get in a word and had to keep asking him to "lower your voice, stop cursing" the entire time in a calm voice. I was proud of myself for the self control displayed on my part. I asked him this about 50x throughout. alot of the time i had to put the phone away from my ear b/c he just kept yelling. theres no sense in listening to an enraged man. literally yells about 60 minutes out of 70 minutes on the phone. finally he hangs up b/c he hears me tapping the phone on a chair.

 

so now im to the point of wondering about what i should do tonite. he told me he doesnt want me to come if i continue this "disrespecting" ordeal, however its obvious that i dont feel that i am and would prefer to talk to him in person about it. but this yelling thing, its a pattern whenever he blows up and its very unhealthy.

 

the thing im really concerned is that since i've bought two tix to see him, each one is gonna cost me $25 to cancel it. if i go to this dinner, he'll pay for the tix and i wont feel so bad for "standing him up". at least then i'll be able to "try" to work things out. or should i just go cold turkey, do it the mean way and get some balls?

[d'Arthez]

the thing im really concerned is that since i've bought two tix to see him, each one is gonna cost me $25 to cancel it. if i go to this dinner, he'll pay for the tix and i wont feel so bad for "standing him up". at least then i'll be able to "try" to work things out. or should i just go cold turkey, do it the mean way and get some balls?

He is treating you as if you are less than an animal. So it is pointless to spend the time with him. "Working things out" only means to comply to whatever he demands of you, reasonable or not. And it won't be reasonable, as the experience with going out with your friends already proved.

 

So cancel the tickets, or do something else when you are in the area (if you have family there, come up for a visit if something like that is possible). And if you were to go to the dinner, I would not be 100% confident that you would actually get the money.

 

Best thing is to go cold turkey. And never get involved with this guy again.

[Owl]

Sorry, I'm not QUITE sure on the timelines.

 

Did the 'Joe thing' occur while you were seeing this BF? Was Joe pursuing you at any point while you were 'with' BF?

 

If so, he's got some legitimate reasons for concern and worry, but that is seperate from the fact that he's still being a PITA. If so, and you REALLY want to continue a relationship with BF, then I'd say that you need to drop contact with Joe completely. In the same circumstances, if this guy had chased my wife while I was with her, or she had done the 'Joe thing' while I was with her, I'd insist that she never have contact with him again.

 

If it didn't happen while the two of you were involved, then he really does need to chill. But, remember that he's probably VERY insecure due to your maintaining an LDR already...add to that the worry that something could happen with you and Joe, and you get an uptight BF.

 

Now...I'd suggest that if something did happen while you were with BF, you give some serious thought to ending your friendship with Joe if you intend to keep BF. It's the only way that things will calm down. If the whole Joe thing was resolved prior to beginning your relationship with BF, then I'd say that he does need to calm down and learn to trust you...AND...you need to start setting some clear boundaries on what behavior YOU will accept from HIM...to include how he talks to you.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Cecelius]

Based on his general behavior, of course he's treating you poorly -- that is an aside.

 

There is, however, no reason on the planet for you to be hanging out with a guy who very recently was pursuing you and with whom you have hooked up. I agree with your b/f on that point. Hanging with this guy, to your b/f, has nothing but trouble written all over it.

 

However, I would just break it off with you rather than abuse you about it.

[a4a]

Based on his general behavior, of course he's treating you poorly -- that is an aside.

 

There is, however, no reason on the planet for you to be hanging out with a guy who very recently was pursuing you and with whom you have hooked up. I agree with your b/f on that point. Hanging with this guy, to your b/f, has nothing but trouble written all over it.

 

However, I would just break it off with you rather than abuse you about it.

 

Great reply!

 

a4a

[Spectre]

He has no reason to yell at you however..

 

Im curious as to what you told yourself to convince yourself that going to breakfast with some dude you've kissed was a good idea? lets just take the easy route and pretend you were drunk..cuz I dont wanna go the alternative and think you didnt see a problem with that

[slubberdegullion]

Turn the tables for a minute.

 

Your bf is hanging out with some fine young ladies, at least one of which pursued him romantically for a while.

 

That's the crux of the issue. The rest is just condiments.

 

How would you feel? And should you have the right to express it?

[JoL]

Ahh...jealous/insecure men..i should know all about this!

My ex boyfriend was one of them- and i didnt even HAVE male friends to hang out with! If i looked out the window while driving i must have been looking at a guy...if his friend talked to me, he must like me, if i didnt pick the phone up after 1 ring then i was lying about where i was..and other crazy things like this.

 

Hun, your boyfriend is a jerk. Him cursing and swearing and carrying on is TOTALLY unacceptable. IF he could rationally and calmly explain why he is upset and talk to you like a sane and rational person, then i would say ok, hear him out, give him a change to explain himself and why he is upset.

 

The bottom line here is, he is verbally and mentally abusing you.

You may have stepped on a nerve of his, but this behaviour from him is totally unacceptable. He will not change- and he doesnt think speaking to you in such a manner is wrong...ALARM BELLS!!!!!!

 

Plus in my books you havent really done anything wrong- you havent cheated on him- you simply invited along a friend to breakfast because he was there at the time...it wasnt like you put hours of planning and thought into a romantic breakfast with this guy!

 

Your boyfriends behaviour is only going to get worse before it gets better.

I guarantee 100% that the next time he is angry at something he will react in the exact same way and it will only get worse... TRUST ME.

 

Ive been through exactly the same thing with my crazy ex- screaming at me, swearing, name calling, threats, mind control etc etc....

HENCE WHY HE IS AN EX!!!!

 

Get out of this relationship while you still have your sanity...

[Spectre]

 

Plus in my books you havent really done anything wrong- you havent cheated on him- you simply invited along a friend to breakfast because he was there at the time...it wasnt like you put hours of planning and thought into a romantic breakfast with this guy!

 

 

 

Who cares? if you think its ok to go out to breakfast with some dude you've kissed in the past and who has pursued you before then sorry: if you dont see something wrong with that you shouldnt be in a relationship, bottom line there were a number of ways she could of handled the situation, she chose to have breakfast with some dude she used to kiss, thats a no no..please dont try to play it off by saying "its not like you put hours of planning into it!"

 

cuz wait? i can come back and say "its not like in the past she kissed this dude!..oh wait? sh*t!!!"

[mini696]

There is nothing wrong with what you did.

[suzy]

I am by my own admission an irrationally jealous person but I trully dont think you did anything wrong here. Your boyfriend needs to get a grip and take responsibilty for his own feelings instead of laying the blame with you. For your part, if you want this to work and you want your boyfriend to learn a healthy way of dealing with jealousy, you would be wise to lay down some boundaries right now. All else is suicide.

[Cecelius]

I think she should focus on the fact that her b/f is abusive and obnoxious, no matter what.

 

However,

 

1) there is no reason on the planet for a g/f to be hanging out with a dude whose rod she used to polish

2) there is no reason on the planet for a g/f to be hanging out with a dude who is into her romantically, regardless of whether they've hooked up. It is asking for problems.