How do I stop myself from self destructing after finding out my wife had an affair

[Jacknay21]

Four weeks ago, after a few months of having suspicions that my wife was up to something, I checked her phone to read her messages after the thoughts I was in the dark about her potential infidelity became unbearable. 
My wife and I have been married for 10 years & have 2 wonderful children (11yo girl and 3yo boy). We got together relatively young & didn’t have much time on our own before our daughter came along however I’ve always felt our family until was solid, happy & I’ve never had any reason not to trust her. 
Upon checking her phone, initially I found nothing that would suggest that she was doing anything untoward which made me feel guilty and ashamed that I’d taken this course of action (I’d never invaded her privacy like this before) however I knew my intuition was strong & knowing her so well, her behaviour over the months I’d had my suspicions had definitely changed. I was just about to put her phone back when I found ‘archived’ messages from a work colleague which went into shocking detail about how they loved each other, how their respective marriages were not working out and that he wished that he could feel the same way about his wife than he did about mine. 
The person in question, I’ll call him Al, is known to me socially. I’ve been in his company many times & have always got on well with him. Al is 15 years older than my wife & is much more senior however I’ve known Al to be a mentor and friend to my wife ever since we got together in our early 20’s and would have never in a million years though that this sort of connection between them could be possible. In fact, had the messages from him not been archived, I never would have even looked at them as it just wasn’t comprehensible to me. 
I confronted my wife with the information I had found & the explanation I got was that she had been unhappy in our marriage for 18 months & that she had got close to Al after it became apparent that he was also experiencing the same feeling within his own marriage. She explained that there had been no sexual or physical intimacy between them but that they had developed deep emotional feelings towards each other and that she had begun to look at him differently. She went on to explain the reasons as to why she had been miserable with me for so long (lack of intimacy, felt that I didn’t pull my weight around the house, lack of interest, always working late, frustrated with me leaving things around the house for her to clean up) and that she only went and found that emotional satisfaction from another man because she wasn’t getting it from me at home. As I listened to her, I knew that some of the things she was saying were accurate and I was aware of the fact our relationship wasn’t in the best shape but I felt that this was a normal occurrence with ‘life’ getting in the way & that I had been more distant over the past few months given my suspicions but I never knew just how unhappy she was, especially over the time frame she had been. 
Within the first few hours, I actually felt relieved that we’d been able to have an honest conversation about where we were at as a couple & we arranged for our children to be looked after by grandparents to give us the opportunity to discuss further. After a couple of hours talking more, we had agreed that we both loved each other and would enter into marriage counselling to help us on our journey to work out the problems & we were then the most passionate we had been with each other in a long time & was feeling positive that now this was out in the open we could move forward. After our time alone, my wife needed to get ready for an evening shift at work & wasn’t due back until around midnight. After I had got the children to bed I had a few hours on my own to reflect on the events of the past 24 hours & as it began to sink in and the realisation that my wife, despite not being physically unfaithful, was in love with another man - the feelings of hurt began to appear. 
I tried to deal with this my writing a letter to my wife that I felt would be a way of me being able to express what I wanted to say to her better than just speaking it. I wrote that I was very sorry that I had made her feel so miserable for so long & that all I had ever wanted was to give her & our children the best home life that I could, I acknowledged that I had let my work leak into times that should have been spent with her and our family & made a commitment to try to be a better husband and to never give her reason to feel that way again. When she came home from work and I gave her the letter she was very appreciative and also committed to making our marriage work. 
Despite this positive end to the day, I could feel the upset and hurt building up inside me. I lay in bed that first night after finding out with so many questions running around my head (why has it taken me finding out about your relationship with Al for you to tell me how you were feeling? Are you wanting to leave me for him if he left his wife and kids? How long have you had these feelings for? How frequently have you met him? Were you with him when you told me you were with friends, at the gym or working late?) Sleep that night was not easy & when it did come it was restless. At work the next day I just felt numb and listless, getting increasingly upset, angry and confused. I ended up making an excuse that I needed to work early so that I could be at home for when my wife arrived back from work following picking our daughter up from school with the intention of speaking to her discreetly whilst our daughter was upstairs. When we got the opportunity to speak I told her how I was feeling & that I felt betrayed that she dealt with her unhappiness at home by falling for another man & she allowed herself to get further entangled so that those feelings turned into love, an emotion that I felt should only be shared in our marriage. She came back saying that if I hadn’t made her feel the way I did for so long then she wouldn’t have ever needed to seek those feelings from someone else & that her and Al had agreed weeks earlier that they agreed to ‘pull back’ from each other in an attempt to make their marriage work & that she’s happy to answer my questions but she’s told me all there is to tell and there are no more secrets. This further confused me as her explanation about ‘pulling back’ didn’t marry up with what I found in the messages (they had been sent days before I discovered them) and also what she’d said in our first conversation after I’d found out. 
The days following, my emotions were completely all over the place but I was completely distraught. The Wednesday following (I found out on the Saturday) I didn’t sleep whatsoever I spent the whole night downstairs reading blogs, listening to podcasts & articles all about coping with this revelation and leaning more about what an emotional affair entails. The more I read the more I felt I had been gaslighted by my wife for her blaming me that it was my fault that she entered into this relationship & it dawned on my that whilst I have legitimately given her reason not to be happy in our marriage, I cannot be held responsible for her decision to cross the line with Al and then develop feelings of love. The following morning, after my wife left for work and our children had gone to school / day care I just didn’t stop crying, I couldn’t eat I couldn’t concentrate and was just constantly thinking about her and Al & the betrayal and humiliation that I felt. I thought it would be helpful to write and email to Al, I didn’t have any contact details for him but I knew the sequence of my wife’s work email address so I could at least give an educated guess of what it could be. I wrote to him about the impact of their emotional affair is having on me, did they not think of the impact on their respective spouses & children, how I felt distraught that she was comfortable telling him that she was miserable with me but couldn’t tell me about it and that I felt that because of their actions, not only do I have to come to terms with how my wife had felt for so long, which was devastating enough, I also had to cope with the fact that my wife had hidden their relationship from me and that she loved him. I said that I almost preferred that I had caught them in a physical affair as I thought that would’ve been easier to deal with because at least it could’ve potentially just been lust as opposed to love. 
I felt as if I was spiralling and my emotions were becoming hard to contain, my wife had messaged me asking why I hadn’t come to bed the precious night and I responded saying that I was having trouble coming to terms with what has happened between her and Al, that I was feeling devastated by the betrayal & that I had emailed him about how I was feeling. She messsaged back to say that ‘I know you are focusing on the Al thing, but you need to remember why I sought comfort in someone else & I feel that you are using this to twist what you’ve done onto me’ at this point I just lost it & after a rally of messages back and forth she ended up leaving work to discuss with me face to face. I told her that I felt that I was being manipulated into believing that I was solely at fault and felt as if she was taking no responsibility for her crossing the line with Al. All I got back in response was that rather than reading articles on what’s happened that I should talk to her instead. The lack of ownership for her actions & her unwillingness to acknowledge that I had a right to be upset made me feel as if something had short circuited in my brain. 
To move this post on quicker I’ll summarise the events following this point. 1) I decided that I needed space to come to terms with what had happened & I moved out to my dads house, telling our children that I was going to be working away for a few days which wasn’t that unusual.

2) My wife said she was extremely upset by this and wasn’t eating or sleeping because of it but still wasn’t taking responsibility.

3) We attended our first marriage counselling where we discussed the events leading up to why we were there. The counsellor focused mainly on the way I was feeling & used terms such as ‘the betrayed’ and t’the betrayer’ taken from some homework she gave us to do, my wife was not happy about being labelled this.

4) Following the counselling session, we went to a pub to have a chat before I went back to my dads. We had a constructive talk and agreed I would go back home the following day and she would move to her parents house for a few days as they were going on holiday & on the Sunday she would come home and we’d try living together again.

5) After I returned home and she went to her parents house we continued to speak on the phone and over text and she asked me if it was ok if she still went on a pre arranged night at an event on Saturday with some friends from work (not including Al) I said I was fine with that and she should enjoy herself.

6) On the Saturday night, I messaged to say have a good night and to let me know when she got home, I saw that she had read the message but got no response. I messaged again at 02:30 asking if she was ok & again it was read but recieved no response. At 8am, after my son woke up (my daughter was at a sleepover at a friends house)  and still receiving no response I drove round to her parents house and rang the doorbell and kept ringing her phone. She eventually answered and said she had stayed at a hotel. 

7) I was so angry, my first thoughts that morning were of horrendous things that could’ve potentially have happened to her on a night out, I hadn’t event considered she could be with another man at first. I asked her who she was with and which hotel she was at. She texted back a friends name and the hotel she had stayed in. I found the number for the hotel and rang the reception and asked to be put through to the room under her friends name. The receptionist couldn’t locate a booking under the name she had given me. 

8. I told my wife what I’d done and asked her if she’d like to reconsider her answer to who she was with. She maintained that she was with this friend and even sent me the number of her friend should I wish to check myself. I texted her friend to let her know that I wasn’t being unreasonable or possessive but the week before I had found out that my wife was I. Love with a ‘male colleague’. I didn’t mention his name but the friend she said she was with also works in the same company so would know something was happening. 
 

9) Again, my wife was blaming me for her choices ‘You told me to stay away from the house so I’m staying away’ ‘You had 5 nights break at your dads, why can’t I do that?’ Completely missing the point as to why I needed the time away. 
 

10) Fast forwarding 2 weeks. We bot agree to live in the same house and make an attempt of starting to rebuild. 8 days ago (Friday) she very suddenly said she felt unwell and wouldn’t be going to work however upon my commute home she rang to say that she was going to see a close friend as she was feeling better and that she was leaving the house shortly in a Uber. I said that I was only 10 mins away from home so if she held on I’d drop her off to save her the taxi fare. She said don’t worry as she didn’t want our son seeing her and then being upset when she got out of the car without him. This was very unusual for her so again I felt anxious as to if I was being told the truth. 
 

11) Not being able to shake off the anxiety I manage to get into her email account and find the Uber receipt which showed that she had been dropped somewhere completely different than where she said she was going to be.

12) I didn’t initially confront her as I wanted to know if she’d naturally explain what had happened (perhaps she was meeting her friend at the pub rather than her house etc). I receive a message shortly after saying that after she’d been to see this friend that she was then going to see another friend for an hour. Upon her return I asked her some questions that would confirm if she was lying & unfortunately, the ease of which she lied was painfully clear.

13) The next day she asked me if I could sort something on her phone which gave me another opportunity to confirm my suspicions. Again I found that rather than being with who she said she was she was with Al. I confronted her straight away and she admitted that she did meet him  as rumours had started going round work about their relationship & they met to discuss what they were going to do & she felt that she couldn’t tell me as I wouldn’t allow her to go. 
 

There is so much more to say that has happened but ultimately it all leads to the fact that the trust that I had for my wife had disappeared and that my family life has em been completely uprooted. I have never felt sorrow like this and I’m really struggling to cope. I feel like I’m dealing with 4 different traumas - making the love of my life feel miserable for 18 months and I didn’t even spot it, the emotional affair with Al, the lack of contact following a night out & discovering she was at a hotel where the details of who she was with didn’t check out & the lies and deception of meeting up with Al but not being straight with me. 
I have been using stupid was to numb my pain, drinking and drugs being the main ones which in advance of all this I would never have used. I feel as if I’m in a place that I can’t move on from but I know that the drinking and drug taking is completely unsustainable if for anything else than for my children. I know it’s early days but I’m getting to a point where I feel lost. I’m back living at my dads house feeling like a failure & still deeply in love with my wife. I have always loved her and I’m heartbroken that I find myself along having to come to terms with me not making her happy and loving another man. 
if anyone has any advice on how to navigate these first few weeks/months that isn’t as destructive as drink and drugs please do let me know, I’d value any advise.

Thank you for reading & I hope that wherever you are on your experience of infidelity that you’re ok & moving forward. 

 

[MsJayne]

Phew, that was a lot . I'm hearing your distress and confusion, and I'm also hearing your wife's point of view. Bit of a mess, but definitely fixable by the sound of things. Both of you need to own your behaviour and be genuinely sorry. Not just the pretend 'sorry' of, in your case, being called out, or, in hers, being caught out, but a genuine understanding of the hurt the other person's feeling and a heartfelt apology.  You were taking her for granted for so long that she felt lonely in the relationship, and she sought a sympathetic shoulder, which is not a relationship crime in itself. To become, to such an extent, emotionally dependent on another man is a relationship crime, and if she was that angry at you she could have taken other, less destructive courses of action, but she's human and he happened to be there. The old, "My marriage is unhappy too," is an embarrassing cliche, and I suspect this is not slippery old Al's first affair rodeo. The main thing is, however unpalatable to you, is that you started it 😬. Your wife shouldn't be using you as the excuse, it was entirely her choice to be disloyal, but you did create the catalyst -  if she felt she was being seen and heard in the relationship she wouldn't be looking for attention elsewhere. She must have felt really lonely and invisible.

As far as the current situation with her discussing things with Al, (that just so sounds like an old dude's name, is she into OAP's?), he needs to be excommunicated, told to butt out of your marriage and your life. I'm wondering if his wife has any clue what he says behind her back or what he gets up to. Whatever, you need to keep up with the marriage counselling because once the interfering old fart's off the scene you'll probably be able work things out if you both admit you were equally wrong in your own ways. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm very sorry you're here, OP. 

You've had a terrible blow, and the reality of what it means for your marriage is setting in. Your wife is clearly not being honest about the extent of her relationship with Al, and please don't for a moment believe that it was never physical. She was lying and sneaking around to see him while "working on" things with you - you can bet your bottom dollar this is not only an emotional affair. 

You have got to stop beating yourself up for not giving her attention and love. Did that contribute to problems in the marriage? Sure. Did that cause her to cheat? Nope. She could have used her voice and expressed to you how she was feeling. She could have even ended the marriage. She did not do either of those things. She made a choice to go down a path that would jeopardize everything. You are not at fault for her affair, so tell her to can that noise the next time she tries to blame you for her cheating. That is entirely on her. 

As for your current state, I would urge you to seek professional support immediately. The substance abuse is extremely concerning. You will also no doubt need help untangling all the difficult emotions you're experiencing. The future of your marriage remains unclear, but you two won't be able to get anywhere until your wife smartens up and starts telling the truth. You are not getting the full story. She sounds very, very checked out and it may already be over between you two, but marriage counselling together is pointless as long as she's still lying and seeing her boyfriend. 

[Achelois]

Oh Jacknay I’m so sorry to read and I know exactly what you are feeling. Even if you try, this thoughts will be in your head, especially when you’re having sex with her if you guys have another chance. I recommend you focus in yourself, drugs and alcohol will make everything worse. Do exercise, study something new, find a hobby, usually affairs don’t work and she will regret. Get better yourself everyday, exercise, meditation, eating healthy, getting new clothes, join groups and therapy sessions. Do it for yourself and your kids. 

[d0nnivain]

It all boils down to she cheated, got caught & after promising to work on your marriage lied to you & spent the night with the AP in a hotel.   That is all you need to know.  Your marriage is over.  Sorry. 

You know drinking & drugs are not the answer.  The next time you are tempted by them, look at a picture  of your kids.  

Cancel the MC but ask that therapist to recommend a good IC for you & a support group.   Then go see a lawyer & start making lists of things that will have to be done as you transition to being a single father.  

Edited October 22, 2023 by d0nnivain

[Weezy1973]

For the immediate, individual therapy for you, getting exercise (this will help with the emotions) and eating healthy will help. They won’t give you the immediate relief that drinking or drugs gives you, but will be a great help over time. 
 

When people cheat, they often rewrite history to make their relationship seem unbearable which then absolves them of responsibility about the infidelity. As you said, she’s gaslighting you. Abusive and terrible on her part. And as many cheaters do, she keeps lying and cheating right to your face. You ultimately are going to have to leave this awful excuse for a human being. You can’t see it clearly now because you’re still in love with the person you thought she was, but once you see her for the monster she actually is, the love will be gone. It’s a process.

And through it all self-care like I mentioned, and keeping your kids safe and making sure they feel loved by you through this process is important. 

[mark clemson]

It sounds very much like your wife was unhappy enough in your marriage to start looking around for a new partner BUT not secure enough with the prospect of being on her own to simply divorce you. (The fact you have kids may have come into play as well.) Nor did she know how to communicate her needs effectively with you (or perhaps felt there was no way to change how things are).

So you got this instead.

Under the circumstances, the staying at hotels does seem exceedingly sketchy. Nor is it clear that she's intent on doing the "work" that an effective reconciliation would entail. She should be "enabling trust" but instead seems intent on doing her own thing.

I'm not going to advise you to divorce, but it does seem like the higher probability is that she's either continuing the affair or continuing the process of "detaching" rather than focusing her efforts on reconciliation. You may be "the fallback plan" or she feels like she has little to lose at being discovered continuing things with Al.

FWIW my sense is some "deep regrets" are likely in your wife's future. That would have to be weighed against the distress she felt in your marriage and would have continued to feel had she not taken SOME action. But people tend to be bad at considering that sort of thing.

You feel terrible that she cheated. You also would have felt terrible had she simply announced an intention to divorce. (But people tend to be bad at considering that sort of thing.) Booze and drugs are never the answer. You wake up in the morning and the issues are still there. You'll have to face things head on and get through what is no doubt an extremely distressing time. If your wife won't "play ball" to continue your marriage and/or you cannot find ways to ensure you trust her, then there may be no future in it.

Edited October 22, 2023 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

I don't know if your wife was really unhappy with you or just bored in her marriage and wanting someone new.  Nothing you were doing in the marriage sounded unbearable and if she was struggling why didn't she come to you rather than fall into the arms of another man.  She's full of it and has the nerve to put all the blame on you.  I would bet you anything they've had sex.  I would drop the marriage counseling and see a divorce lawyer about your options.  Not saying you have to file yet, but at least find out your rights.  Another thing to remember, she didn't come to you and admit to cheating and ask for forgiveness.  She would still be at it (and probably still is) with him if you hadn't caught her.  Al's wife deserves to know the truth also.  Most men whose wives have cheated just can't get over it.  They complain of "mind movies" seeing her with her lover.  They end up divorcing.

[Jacknay21]

Dear Friends,

Firstly thank you to those who replied to my debut post, I appreciate your thoughts & have taken some time tonight to reflect on the different insights and angles, I do appreciate it.

As mentioned, my wife's AP - 'Al' is known socially to me & have been in his company many times & have always got on well with him. Most recently, my family (myself, wife, 11yo daughter & 3yo son) went to his home for a BBQ. This was attended by 25-30 work colleagues of my wife & a handful of Al & Al's wife friends and family. We had a fantastic day and my daughter made a friend in Al's daughter who is of a similar age (so much so that they've remained in touch). 

Since the revelations of my wife's "emotional affair" with Al, I have been struggling with the fact that the both of them have caused so much pain and disruption to my family which will only increase over the coming days when we sit down our daughter, who is currently away with her grandparents, to tell her that I have moved out of the family home. I have also been torn as to if I should tell Al's wife what he has been up to with my wife. On the day I found out that my wife had met Al and lied to me where she was going and who she was meeting, I drove to his house (since I knew where he lived owing to the BBQ invitation) with every intention of telling his wife what he was doing as I couldn't bear the thought that he was part of the reason as to why my life was being turned upside down & he didn't deserve the loving family home that I had lost. Thankfully (upon reflection) no one was home when I arrived & I'm pleased that I didn't get to speak to her as I feel I would have regretted the way I would've said it given my anger & the raw emotion I was feeling after discovering their secret meeting the night prior. I could've been as, if not more, responsible for potentially traumatising his wife & children by telling them in anger what he had been doing with my wife. 

That said, I am torn about what, if anything, I should disclose to Al's wife. Part of me feels that if the roles were reversed and she had been the one to find out about our respective spouses relationship that I would've appreciated her telling me about it. I cannot however know the dynamics of their relationship (only that he's supposedly unhappy in his own relationship) and therefore I cannot guarantee that the feeling of appreciation I would've felt would be replicated. Furthermore, given how manipulative and disgusting the pair of them have been, I'm afraid that all they'd (Al and my wife) do is fully direct the attention and anger at me for being the one to break it to his wife.

Selfishly, I want to hurt him in some way & the compulsion for some form of revenge is strong. I know this shouldn't be a motivation for telling his wife hence the reason I'm pleased she wasn't home when I drove round however I'm genuinely conflicted if, in the right circumstances, it is right for me to let her know exactly what her husband has been up to with my wife.

Any shared experiences of this feeling or of actually telling the AP's spouse would be helpful.

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Jacknay21 said:

That said, I am torn about what, if anything, I should disclose to Al's wife.

Without actual evidence, you want to be careful.  Make sure you fully understand whether or not what you say may put you foul of slander laws.

For what it's worth, if I found that my husband had an EA, I'd want to double down and start rebuilding the marriage to make us strong again.  So his marriage may well improve with the information you share

[Bryanp]

If you think your wife had sex with this guy, then she needs to get tested for STD's.