I Don't Think He Will Forgive Me.

[AmandaCee]

 

20 hours ago, Bryanp said:

I think it would be a good idea for you to immediately get tested for STD's in case you and your husband reconcile.

I did get tested, and my results came back negative. I shared the results with my husband, but he didn't respond. I'm not sure if he has been tested; I did suggest that he should, but he wasn't talking to me at the time. I genuinely want to reconcile with my husband, and I hope he feels the same, though he hasn't brought it up.

[AmandaCee]

17 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Trust me: he will tell you what's going on in not too long. Sounds like maybe a wise person talked to him (he probably disclosed to this person) and the wise person made clear to him and that totally shutting you out wasn't his only option and that he needed to tell the kids to treat you with respect.

You might be correct; he did start acting differently after his counselling session; perhaps something was discussed that made him speak to me. It's not his first session, so I can't be sure. As for whether he talked to our children and encouraged them to speak to me, I'm uncertain, but he might have; I have no idea.

[AmandaCee]

17 hours ago, glows said:

The kids empathize with him not you. When he starts speaking with you, the kids do as well because they see that he’s able to. It’s possible he’s thinking through and processing your infidelity. Unfortunately there’s a big question mark - whether history will repeat itself again. If you did it once and no one knows why, why wouldn’t it happen again?

I'd like to mention that I've answered all the previous questions you've asked me, even though I haven't posted them. The one question you inquired about, "Why did you do it?" took me over two days to write, and it was a lengthy explanation, exceeding 6,000 words. Although I found it beneficial for my own self-reflection and counselling, I don't think I will be sharing it because it's quite extensive. Writing the answer helped me greatly in my counselling sessions, as I can express myself more effectively in writing than verbally. I attempted to condense it into a post, but it's challenging to do so without losing important details.

I'm aware that my children are only speaking to me because their father is. I've used this chance to respond to all the questions they've asked today, providing honest answers. However, there's one question I can't bring myself to answer, and that's "why I did what I did." I do know the answer, but I'm concerned that revealing it will change how my children perceive me. I'm afraid that explaining this would require me to disclose my past, and I'm hesitant to reveal the things I used to do and how I once found pleasure in causing harm to others.

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, AmandaCee said:

"why I did what I did." I do know the answer, but I'm concerned that revealing it will change how my children perceive me. I'm afraid that explaining this would require me to disclose my past, and I'm hesitant to reveal the things I used to do and how I once found pleasure in causing harm to others.

You did because you are human. And humans make mistakes, sometimes huge mistakes. 

Just to take a long view here. I know people who grew up in households where mom or dad had an affair. At the time they were puzzled, quietly freaked out, though they did not criticize the affair parent to me or to others. Later in adulthood, they went through a different process because they were then able to think back on the relationship between their mother and father and they could see how the relationship wasn't as perfect as they had imagined it to be as kids. People get older and see other couples and hear stories about other parents and other families, and they can see the strengths and weaknesses of their parents' marriage even before the affair/divorce. Also, as they got older, they made room in their minds for mom and dad to be human.

But even immediately after the affair disclosure, these friends were close to both parents. Kids are able to hold in their minds and bodies two things at once.

One, mom/dad did X in their marriage. Two, that Mom/Dad is still their parent, who loves them and cares about them and is going to ask about school and feed them and worry about how they are doing and on and on. And I'm talking about teenagers being able to hold those two things in mind.(I work with teenagers and young adults and hear their stories and hear how they process their parents' marital problems and marital breakups.)  Later, as full adults they typically reach a different level of acceptance. 

And I think you made a great decision not to share your 6,000 words here. Only share if you are fully confident that doing so will strengthen you. 

 

Edited October 27, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AmandaCee said:

I'm afraid that explaining this would require me to disclose my past, and I'm hesitant to reveal the things I used to do and how I once found pleasure in causing harm to others.

Please explore this with your therapist. Your children don't need sordid details. Please find ways to explain things to them without manipulating or harming them further. 

If you have sadistic tendencies, definitely explore, unpack and sort that out with your therapist.

Affairs are never "mistakes" and never "just happen". Telling a spouse "it meant nothing" is a trite and dismissive line. They are a conscious and deliberate choice and it seems you have insight into this. 

All you can do is explore your desire to hurt people in therapy and perhaps you can turn your life around. 

Edited October 27, 2023 by Wiseman2