The wrong one has a crush on me

[Thelambofdeth]

So I have extreme anxiety and low self-esteem. Mostly due to not even being able to use dating apps...for years. In turn, I haven't had a date in years despite being in the best shape of my life (running 3x a week) being 6'3, literally wearing high fashion clothes and niche perfume, having high hair and skin routines, grooming etc.

I have too much anxiety to just go out and do most things I want to, or even join meet up groups, so all I could try was volunteering. I started volunteering at this gallery and become friends with the events manager there. She's been super nice in terms of welcoming me into her friend group and helping me socialize.

We have a few things in common, and a similar sense of humor, etc and now and then she would flirt with me, so I thought she might have a thing for me maybe. Turns out, I was wrong...her friend does. She told me her friend, who is quite pretty (like really pretty the type of woman I don't even look at) has a crush on me. I met her like twice and we barely talked. I thought she was just being nice...and she doesn't seem genuinely nice, but looking back I guess she was giving out small feelers during the brief times we actually talked.

So the issue here...she's too pretty. She's not only really pretty, but she legitimately seems kind, and she's a successful artist...and I'm a nobody who barely has friends. Bc of my height, what I wear, and my personality, I can come off as aloof and mysterious, but as soon as she finds out more about me, she'll get bored and it might impact my friendship with the events manager, who has really helped me, socially. Tbh I like her friend more. She's not nearly as pretty, but she's really snarky, sarcastic and more on my wave-length.

So my plan is to avoid her in the most indirect was possible until she moves on. But how do I use this to gain confidence? I should be more confident now bc a pretty woman apparently finds me somewhat attractive, but I'm still anxious af around women...

[Alpacalia]

I would just let the dust settle. If the woman you like brings up again her friend, just say you're flattered, but not interested.

[Thelambofdeth]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I would just let the dust settle. If the woman you like brings up again her friend, just say you're flattered, but not interested.

Well I already kinda hinted I was interested. And it's not like I'm not interested...it's just...I'm too anxious and self conscious to consider the possibility 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

 I like her friend more. She's  really snarky, sarcastic and more on my wave-length.

Ask the friend out. 

[mark clemson]

37 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

 as soon as she finds out more about me, she'll get bored

It's easier said than done - but don't jump to conclusions. That is a form of your anxiety.

Real life is generally a bit "boring" and women know that as much as men. Better to go through life with a partner ("boring" or not) than without for many of us.

Everyone who's not a major leader is a "nobody" and there aren't enough major leaders to go around. So women pick who they will date (and in some cases spend the rest of their life with) from who's actually available, just like men do.

Being attractive, reasonably well off (or better in your case), having a place in society, and "being there for them" is more than enough for many women, believe me. And if she has a crush on you too all the better.

The bottom line is you've established a pattern of not giving yourself a chance here, due (as you are aware) to your anxiety issues. Just date her, the worst that can happen is you date for a while and then it ends. "Getting hurt a bit" (if that happens) is a part of the game for better or worse.

Edited October 25, 2023 by mark clemson

[Thelambofdeth]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Ask the friend out. 

She's the one that told me her friend has a crush on me...that would be weird. 

[Thelambofdeth]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Being attractive, reasonably well off (or better in your case), having a place in society, and "being there for them" is more than enough for many women, believe me. And if she has a crush on you too all the better.

But I'm not attractive, I'm not well off, and I'm def not important. Lol I don't have any of those things, that why im anxious. She's really pretty, successful, confident and seem really, sincerely kind. I simply don't have anything of substance to offer. 

Ultimately if I tried to date her, I'd be the one hurt, back to square one with no options..

 

[d0nnivain]

You need therapy to build yourself esteem.  You don't have to be famous or super rich to be somebody's SO.   You are your own worst enemy.  I don't know who or how your mind got so warped that you think you are inferior but you are wrong.   

If this wonderful woman thinks you are worth dating try looking at things from her perspective.   She's no dope so she probably sees things you are missing or downgrading.   You don't have to date her if you are not interested but you can't date the one you like either because that woman will not be disloyal to her friend.  

Right now you are your own worst enemy & the biggest obstacle in your life.  With help you can overcome this & build your self confidence.   There are tons of on line mental health outlets plus others in real life.  Use one.   You have to learn to love yourself. 

I don't know your stance on religion but God doesn't make mistakes.  You are a unique valuable individual who matters.   

[Thelambofdeth]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You need therapy to build yourself esteem.  You don't have to be famous or super rich to be somebody's SO.   You are your own worst enemy.  I don't know who or how your mind got so warped that you think you are inferior but you are wrong.   

If this wonderful woman thinks you are worth dating try looking at things from her perspective.   She's no dope so she probably sees things you are missing or downgrading.   You don't have to date her if you are not interested but you can't date the one you like either because that woman will not be disloyal to her friend.  

Right now you are your own worst enemy & the biggest obstacle in your life.  With help you can overcome this & build your self confidence.   There are tons of on line mental health outlets plus others in real life.  Use one.   You have to learn to love yourself. 

I don't know your stance on religion but God doesn't make mistakes.  You are a unique valuable individual who matters.   

I'm not saying you have to be super hot or rich, but people date similar people. She doesn't like me, she's a bit keen on the idea of me bc I seem wayy cooler than I actually am. Once she got to know me, she'd get bored but I don't have much to offer her. It's just logistics. It's not that I'm disinterested, it's that she will be. I just wish her friend was the one intetested...

Edited October 25, 2023 by Thelambofdeth

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

She's the one that told me her friend has a crush on me...that would be weird. 

If she "appreciates your snark and sarcasm", this would be the one to ask out. Her musings about who has a crush is irrelevant. But if you are too petrified to date or ask either of them out, then the point is moot anyway. 

[Thelambofdeth]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she "appreciates your snark and sarcasm", this would be the one to ask out. Her musings about who has a crush is irrelevant. But if you are too petrified to date or ask either of them out, then the point is moot anyway. 

I appreciate her snark and sarcasm idk if it's reciprocated. She's flirted with me...including saying she wished someone would take her home then staring at me, and saying she wanted to get me drunk and "take advantage of me" but whenever I asked her out for a drink or something, she always wound up "rescheduling" she sends mixed signals and she sure isn't going to go out with me now after telling me her friend has a crush on me...

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

But I'm not attractive, I'm not well off, and I'm def not important. Lol I don't have any of those things, that why im anxious. She's really pretty, successful, confident and seem really, sincerely kind. I simply don't have anything of substance to offer. 

Ultimately if I tried to date her, I'd be the one hurt, back to square one with no options..

 

4 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

being in the best shape of my life (running 3x a week) being 6'3, literally wearing high fashion clothes and niche perfume, having high hair and skin routines, grooming etc.

The above statements do not correlate. It very much sounds like you ARE attractive and well off enough for the dating pool. At least the attractive part, and that's actually often more than enough. You've posted before about women being interested in you and "not knowing what to do about" etc even though you would like to date.

The somewhat tragic part of all this is that I suspect you're actually prime dating pool material and could easily be a player and have lots of women and/or find one to stick with. They are, after all, chasing you. The barrier (and I respect that it's a real one for you) seems to be your anxiety and insecurities about yourself. Not sure if you've tried therapy or not but perhaps it could help, dunno.

As I said, the risk of getting hurt is part of the game - there's no avoiding it no matter WHO you are.

It's too bad you are not able to "throw all caution to the wind" and simply let these interested women date you. Then the trick is to not sabotage things by making bad statements about yourself and/or about women generally (as many "incel" types seem to do - not that I'm labeling you that, just pointing out the tendency). You'd have some experience, and with experience eventually comes reduced anxiety as you've "been there before". However that is easier said than done and particularly for someone with the significant psychological barriers you seem to have.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

IShe's flirted with me...including saying she wished someone would take her home then staring at me, and saying she wanted to get me drunk and "take advantage of me" but whenever I asked her out for a drink or something, she always wound up "rescheduling" she sends mixed signals and she sure isn't going to go out with me now after telling me her friend has a crush on me...

It's clear she was interested at some level and making that completely obvious. I do agree these are mixed signals and she is "all over the place" so it sounds like she might not be in a "stable" place for dating mentally herself either. C'est la vie.

[Thelambofdeth]

27 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 

The above statements do not correlate. It very much sounds like you ARE attractive and well off enough for the dating pool. At least the attractive part, and that's actually often more than enough. You've posted before about women being interested in you and "not knowing what to do about" etc even though you would like to date.

The somewhat tragic part of all this is that I suspect you're actually prime dating pool material and could easily be a player and have lots of women and/or find one to stick with. They are, after all, chasing you. The barrier (and I respect that it's a real one for you) seems to be your anxiety and insecurities about yourself. Not sure if you've tried therapy or not but perhaps it could help, dunno.

As I said, the risk of getting hurt is part of the game - there's no avoiding it no matter WHO you are.

It's too bad you are not able to "throw all caution to the wind" and simply let these interested women date you. Then the trick is to not sabotage things by making bad statements about yourself and/or about women generally (as many "incel" types seem to do - not that I'm labeling you that, just pointing out the tendency). You'd have some experience, and with experience eventually comes reduced anxiety as you've "been there before". However that is easier said than done and particularly for someone with the significant psychological barriers you seem to have.

Being in tall, in shape and dressing and smelling well isn't enough, though. Im ugly, that's the issue. I've been all of that for years and I cannot get a single like or match let alone app on a dating app. Not one date for yeeeears and I have pretty humble standards.

A woman like this is going to see a high status guy with tons of friends who does cool things, who's confident and makes a lot of money. I'm none of those things lol. I can seem far cooler than I actually am.The issue is, if I took a shot, I'd be the only one with hurt self esteem. 

It's not about just getting hurt...I know that's a possibility in any case. It's logistics. She has too much going for her and I simply couldn't realistically keep her attention. I know nothing is a sure thing, but at least I have a real chance with a woman in my league. For me when something seems to good to be true it always is. I swipe on women far less attractive than her on five different apps and I can't get so much as a reply...I just need a real shot with a real chance of success.

[Thelambofdeth]

30 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It's clear she was interested at some level and making that completely obvious. I do agree these are mixed signals and she is "all over the place" so it sounds like she might not be in a "stable" place for dating mentally herself either. C'est la vie.

Yes, she's weird af, flighty, and all over the place and tbh that's far more suitable for my sensibilities. I guess in should've made a move thst night she was heavily flirting. But she left soon after...saying " the only way I exercise boundaries is to bail hard and fast" and I had no idea what that meant lol

[stillafool]

When she told you "my friend has a crush on you."  You should have replied, "oh yeah, I have a crush on you."  She would have loved it.

Edited October 25, 2023 by stillafool

[Thelambofdeth]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

When she told you "my friend has a crush on you."  You should have replied, "oh yeah, I have a crush on you."  She would have loved it.

I was honestly thinking "really? Bc I thought you did" but I was too taken aback by the concept of her friend having a thing for me to say that

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

A woman like this is going to see a high status guy with tons of friends who does cool things,

High Status?  It sounds like you've been reading incel stuff.   It won't do you any favours

In all honesty, you don't yet know her well enough to even begin guessing at what she wants in a man.

 

Edited October 25, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 It sounds like you've been reading incel stuff.   

Agree. Getting wrapped up in manosphere rhetoric is not in your best interest. The circular arguments based on their brainwashing only leads to feeling upset and hopeless. 

[Thelambofdeth]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

High Status?  It sounds like you've been reading incel stuff.   It won't do you any favours

In all honesty, you don't yet know her well enough to even begin guessing at what she wants in a man.

 

What??? Incel? Ummm I'm pretty sure stuff like Cosmo and feminst stuff enforce that women should see high status men, so I guess all the women saying that are incels lol. Successful people seek other successful people. It's been that way since the dawn of time and has nothing to do with "incels"...lols.

I'm not guessing. Any person, man or woman, looks to date people in their league.

[Thelambofdeth]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Getting wrapped up in manosphere rhetoric is not in your best interest. The circular arguments based on their brainwashing only leads to feeling upset and hopeless. 

Some people are wayyyyy to quick to throw around the word incel. Like if I was a woman and I asked the same exact question, no one would be talking about incels....People date in their league...that has nothing to do with "manosphere" and brainwashing its just real life...smh

Edited October 25, 2023 by Thelambofdeth

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

What??? Incel? Ummm I'm pretty sure stuff like Cosmo and feminst stuff enforce that women should see high status men, so I guess all the women saying that are incels lol. Successful people seek other successful people. It's been that way since the dawn of time and has nothing to do with "incels"...lols.

I'm not guessing. Any person, man or woman, looks to date people in their league.

You've clearly never read these sources.   On the topic of relationships, women's media talks of finding men who are a good emotional match and who will treat her with love and respect.   And that it's OK to not have a man if she doesn't want one. 

Back to my comment, I was particularly referring to the term "high status".  I have only ever heard this term used by those who read manosphere.  I've never once read it in women's media or in general conversation with women or regular men.   

Do people look for those in their league?  Sure.  But you're talking "high status" and you've mentioned nothing to suggest that she's high status....whatever that means.   I mean, my husband is successful in his career and has a lot of mates, but I wouldn't call him "high status'.  The phrase is meaningless to me

 

[Thelambofdeth]

Just now, basil67 said:

You've clearly never read these sources.   On the topic of relationships, women's media talks of finding men who are a good emotional match and who will treat her with love and respect.   And that it's OK to not have a man if she doesn't want one. 

Back to my comment, I was particularly referring to the term "high status".  I have only ever heard this term used by those who read manosphere.  I've never once read it in women's media or in general conversation with women or regular men.   

Do people look for those in their league?  Sure.  But you're talking "high status" and you've mentioned nothing to suggest that she's high status....whatever that means.   I mean, my husband is successful in his career and has a lot of mates, but I wouldn't call him "high status'.  The phrase is meaningless to me

 

Not in this era. With OLD and SM women are told to be "queens" and settle for nothing but the best, most perfect man. Good looking, rich and high status. It's part of why SM and OLD are so shallow. And men told their version of the same thing by clickbait dbag dating coaches. Everyone is currently encouraged to be as vapid and shallow as possible.

I think you're over analyzing. The point I'm trying to make is people seek other people just as successful. She's attractive and a successful artist, so even if she doesn't care about looks, she's going to seek a successful man with an extended social circle. Since I'm not particularly successful and my circle is small, getting my hopes up would be dumb.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Thelambofdeth said:

Not in this era. With OLD and SM women are told to be "queens" and settle for nothing but the best, most perfect man. Good looking, rich and high status. It's part of why SM and OLD are so shallow. 

So why aren't the young women I know following this advice?   I mean if all women were doing this, the majority would be single.  But they aren't single.....

 

[Thelambofdeth]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

So why aren't the young women I know following this advice?   I mean if all women were doing this, the majority would be single.  But they aren't single.....

 

You must not live in the US (well you did say "mates") bc many, many, many women by their own admission, will tell you how single they are bc of OLD. There's a perpetual cycle of women having "bad dates" bc they have so many options they never focus on one person bc they literally have thousands of likes, and messages so they're always playing the field. I mean that's the way dating sites are set up...not to have you find the ideal match but to keep you coming back to all you volume of options...not that it matters bc I'm neither young or able to use dating apps lol, but most will attest.