The wrong one has a crush on me

[Thelambofdeth]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Ok - IF you genuinely have an unattractive face that probably does make it more difficult. I honestly can't tell if your self-assessment is accurate or these are your insecurities talking.

Compensating with nice clothes and fitness is helpful. It's clear you have had some substantive nibbles in real life on whatever fishing line you are putting out, so you are doing something right.

I wouldn't take the online nonsense about dating standards too seriously. A lot of those "proponents" are people with issues that make them not right for relationships hiding behind the "lists" and finding justifications for their dysfunction. Anything but admit the problem is actually them. NEVER take Reddit too seriously - a lot of seriously fuxxed up people think it's their place to give everyone else advice over there.

In reality, like men, women who actually want relationships tend to become less fussy as they age and as a guy your "value" tends to last a bit longer in the adult dating pool, esp. if you maintain yourself. At a certain point your face becomes less of an issue. There is still quite a bit more hope than you probably realize. I would try to be open to actually carrying through on date opportunities that come along, and avoid doing things that sabotage it, like talking yourself down too much, etc.

I think this specific lady wanted a ONS or fling or similar with you but was ambivalent about it. The comment about boundaries was just her justification for changing her mind, and it seems she doesn't have good skills at exiting a situation gracefully. Oh well...

You don't have to take my word for it...ask the hundreds, if not thousands of women I've liked, swiped on and messaged over the years who won't even consider talking with me bc of my face. I have far too much proof that I'm unattractive lol.

I mean...standards are real. People have preferences and particularities. Especially anyone who uses dating apps and most people do these days. People are more shallow in this age than ever bc of excess and ease accessibility.

What hope? That's the big reason I have such anxiety and low self-esteem...there is no real hope. There are no dating opportunities. That's the issue. I haven't had a real date in years. Nothing comes along. If there were chances or opportunities I would have hope, I wouldn't be so anxious and my self-esteem wouldn't be so low bc I wouldn't be removed from women always. I can't meet them online and I can't meet them irl...so there are no opportunities. No prospects, no chances, no suitors and no way to actually get any. My life is a perfect storm of being involuntarily alone and there seems to be no way to combat that...

Edited October 26, 2023 by Thelambofdeth

[Thelambofdeth]

20 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So you, and other men have very similar stories and some post here. We do see this pattern fairly often. And here’s your answer:

 

The core issues is a lack of self-worth; that is believing at your core that you’re not worthy of being loved.  Likely this is a by-product of childhood - either due to your family of origin or perhaps school experiences such as being bullied etc.

Your low self-worth lead to social anxiety which is the fear of being reject and / or being humiliated. Because you already have the “wound” of low self-worth, rejection and humiliation make the pain of the wound even greater.

The primary coping mechanism for social anxiety is avoidance. That means you will avoid situations in which you might be rejected or humiliated. And your brain will pretty much automatically come up with reasons not to get into those situations. That’s what you’re doing here with these women. 
 

While there’s no cure for social-anxiety, avoidance is actually one of the worst things you can do. While you do get short term relief from the anxiety, in the long run it just leads to feeling more anxious in more situations. Conversely, the best thing you can do is force yourself to get into those situations which serves two purposes: 1) Desensitizes you so as you get into more and more situations where you might be rejected or humiliated, your body doesn’t reacted as much and 2) Cognitively you realize that even when you are rejected it isn’t a life sentence. You don’t die from it. 
 

The longer you avoid dating and asking women out on dates, the harder it’s going to get. My advice would be to just ask out the woman you’re interested in. Don’t worry about what you have to offer. Let her decide that as you date. And at the same time you can assess if she offers what you’re looking for. 
 

However I suspect you will respond to this with all the reasons why you won’t ask her out. Your brain is working hard to keep you “safe”. But let’s face it, really, asking a woman out on a date carries no danger. That’s why they call them anxiety disorders - your body reacts as though it’s a life and death situation when it isn’t. And that why, if you want to build your confidence, you’ll need to force yourself to ask women out, even when you’re not feeling confident. Fake it till you make it.

You're not reading. You're projecting other people's stories onto mine bc you think they're similar. I have severe anxiety and low self-esteem bc of OLD. I didn't have neither to the extent i do now. It's not coincidence the both became an issue right around the time I learned into OLD so hard.

Basically putting all the time, effort and money I did into OLD and not even getting a single date gives me the impression women uniformly find me unattractive. I have too much proof of this and none of the contrary. There was a time I could approach women and I wasn't bullied in school and I didnt have a rough childhood. 

I'm not "avoiding" dating, I'm not allowed to. I don't have a way to realistically get them. Everyone uses dating apps now, and I can't. My social circle is limited and I'm trying to expand, but it's a thorough process. 

There's no real reason to ask this women out, bc nothing good will come it. What's the point of going on a couple of dates just to be rejected then, when I can prevent it now? It chances nothing, except I feel worse bc I got my hopes up again. I don't have the belief that I'm not good enough for all women or anything, but I know my level and I'm not delusional. The issue is I can't meet women in my league. OLD has made me too anxious to approach those kinds of women, and again, culturally that's not accepted anymore.

You're glossing over the fact that men are anxious regarding approaching women, is bc the media makes it known women don't WANT to be approached anymore. It's outdated, and rude and "creepy" so that's another major factor. Especially when you're unattractive. 

[d0nnivain]

How do you propose to rebuild your self esteem then?  I suggested therapy because IMO you need tools to improve your self confidence & therapy is a tool.

Yes I can only give you my experience but no one I know had any luck with OLD.  They all found it demoralizing.  It breaks my heart for you that whatever rejection you felt there has left you so bereft.  

Although you refuse to see it, if the snarky woman you like is being snarky & flirtatious with you and her friend outright likes you, that is some indication that you have more going on then you give yourself credit for.  Why won't you take the win & at least go on a date with the woman who has expressed interest?  

[Weezy1973]

46 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

.It's not coincidence the both became an issue right around the time I learned into OLD so hard.

How many women did you ask out on dates prior to leaning into OLD so hard? My guess is not many, or perhaps even none? The reason people with social anxiety lean into OLD so hard is because the rejection is muted. Someone not responding to a message or not swiping on you doesn’t feel nearly as “painful” as someone rejecting you in person. 

 

49 minutes ago, Thelambofdeth said:

There's no real reason to ask this women out, bc nothing good will come it. What's the point of going on a couple of dates just to be rejected then, when I can prevent it now? 

So pretty much exactly what I said. As long as you continue to avoid asking out women, nothing is going to change. 

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Thelambofdeth said:

In this case its less to do with anxiety and just more that I don't have anything to offer her.

However you wish to package it.

You'd be better served getting to a place where you're entire self image isn't wrapped up on the opinion of one person that finds you attractive.

Why would you even want to give someone that much power over you?! Really, whats that about.

Not only are you kicking yourself but you're imposing a lot of judgments about this woman which frankly don't really hold up.

So a beautiful woman has a crush on you, oh the horror 😱

Edited October 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Lisa]

This thread has been closed.  OP has had strong feedback, but none of it seems to be resonating