Mentally broken after break up

[tigerlilly29]

You know when you’ve had a really bad or stressful day at work …and you just drive home in silence… No radio, no music, no thoughts in your own head. You just sit there driving and decompressing and breathing. Then half the time when you get home- you can barely remember the drive. That’s literally how I have felt the past 4 months.

I don’t really know what I expect from writing this. This was not my first break up. I know I’ll eventually be okay. I just don’t feel like myself and I don’t know how to express myself to others. In my past break ups I’ve been a trainwreck-sobbing uncontrollably on a daily basis, laying in bed barely able to move, praying/begging to the universe, hitting up the dating apps and going on a million dates trying to find the next bf, desperately trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, having emergency therapy sessions, moody and on edge, venting to anyone who has ears, drastically changing my look and wardrobe.

This time… I have not cried, I do not want to talk about him. I feel like I can’t talk about him. When I try to, my brain just shuts down. I just cannot bring myself to bad mouth him. I even reconnected with my old therapist and I can barely talk about him there. I’ve actually cancelled some appts because I just don’t feel like going. I don’t want to repeat the story. I’ve met other guys organically, gone on a few dates, they’ve been nice but I don’t care if they call me again. I have zero interesting in dating, sex, romance. 

Like I said above, I still have not cried over this guy. I know I’m sad, I know I’m beyond furious. The emotions just are not surfacing or being expressed. I’ve been doing everything I can to make myself cry and nothing works. I feel like if I’d cry I might feel more connected to myself.

I told my therapist I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. I don’t feel attached to myself if that makes any sense. She thinks I’m dissociating from trauma.

I’m still trying to process everything while trying to forget him at the same time.

We were together 8 months. We knew we were meant to be. I had never been happier. But not like a delirious/high happy… I felt at peace. I’ve always been overly anxious and this man calmed by soul.

Everyone from both our sides knew this was it. One of my guy cousins told me he was embarrassed for him by how in love this guy was with me. Even his biker buddies told me that they had never seen him happier than when he was with me.

Four months in he bought a calendar and we sat down and planned out our next year since we have such busy schedules and plans. We texted everyday throughout the day. He would call me just to hear the sound of my voice on the days we could not see each other. He was constantly telling me how much he loved me and how great I was. He introduced me to his mother 3 wks in and 6 months in told her in front of me we were going to get married eventually.

6 ½ months in everything changed overnight. Literally overnight. He started a new job in addition to his own business. The commute was 2.5 hours each way. He went from taking 8 hours to sometimes 3 days to text me back. He became backed up with projects for his own business. When I questioned him about it he would just blame it on being busy and stressed. The calendar of plans…out the window, including the vacations we set up. Over the next 6 wks, I watched him decline physically and mentally. He was not sleeping, not showering, wearing the same clothes every time I saw him. He obviously looked disheveled. Twice he apparently passed out from exhaustion in his driveway and woke up hours later. He went from being an easy going, goofy guy to being agitated and almost manic. At the end he looked like Wild E Coyote after he gets hit with an anvil or dynamite.

There are pictures of us from the day before he started the new job and then another set a week later. He looked like two completely different people. His whole aura and physical appearance completely changed.

To add to the confusion:

He also started becoming overly critical of me. Over night he went from worshipping me and telling me how gorgeous, sexy, and perfect I was to telling me that I was fat, he hated my clothes (he dressed like a slob btw and the last 6 wks we dated he literally wore the same outfit everytime I saw him) and was embarrassed to be seen with me when prior he was showing me off to everyone he knew. He told me his friends hated me (which I know is a flat out lie). He went from not being able to keep his hands off  me to acting disgusted to be near me. He told me his mom hated me (which probably was true). He went from calling his house “our home” to freaking out that I would try to take the house away from him he we got divorced.

In between all this, at 2 and 4 wks into the new job he sat me down telling me how in love with me he was and how he wanted to marry me. However, he was super stressed with the new job and worried about being able to start a family. We agreed we’d figure it out as time went by. He kept ping-ponging between planning a wedding, me taking his last name, how are we gonna pay for colleges, etc. He was in a full blown panic but kept insisting I was “the one” and the universe brought us together….confusing right?

The last two weeks were together, he started to become himself again. The guy I had dated the first 6.5 months was slowly returning. There was still some erratic behavior but the guy I fell in love with was coming back. The last day I saw him he told me repeatedly how much he loved me and that he was even saving up for a ring. Three days later he dumped me in a TEXT message.

That’s right…. A 39yo man with a house, a great job, his own business broke up with me in a text message.

Stated that this new job would not allow him to ever have a family and he did not want to take that away from me. I tried to call him, he told me he was too busy with work to talk. I told him this was beyond disrespectful and near unforgivable to end it this way. He only replied “ I know I am sorry. There is no easy way to do this.”

I have not heard from him since. Our mutual friends have reached out to him multiple times-no response. Our mutual friends who know some of his other friends that I don’t really know have not heard from him either. They’ve driven by and see his cars moved so he’s probably not dead.

Everyone who knows him and met him through me was beyond shocked and furious. I thought maybe he faked his feelings the whole time and every guy told me “theres no way you can fake that.”

I just wish I had an answer. Don’t want him back but want to know what happened so that I can feel like a person again.

I asked our mutual friends-they said he’s been workaholic for years. Always working 24/7 and would sometimes disappear for months at a time.

Part of it may be due to having to pay all his mom’s bills ( she plays the grieving widow card and refuses to work, even though its been 12 years since her husband passed and they were divorced for 5 yrs prior to his death), she also has a history of mental illness and multiple suicide attempts.

The other may be to replace his previous drug/alcohol addictions even though he has been sober 10 years. I told two work colleagues about what happened and they immediately assumed drug/alcohol relapse without me even saying anything about his past issues with that.

My therapist thinks he either had a psychotic break from too many changes or a relapse.

I want to believe he cheated, but I genuinely don’t think he did. I’ve been cheated on in the past and always knew. He is not known for being a cheater. I found out through the grapevine the ex he was off and on with before me has not heard from him either and is dating someone else.

He has not been active on social media-multiple people have checked. I can’t bring myself to look at his facebook or Instagram pages because I’m afraid I’ll spiral. I admit I looked the other day through my sister’s account. His birthday was the other day, only one person wished him “Happy Birthday” despite having hundreds of friends on social media. He is not friends with any past girlfriends on social media, he usually unfollows/blocks them right away. He hasn’t deleted me yet and I see in the past month he’s been looking at my stories. He goes right to the top in the viewers section.

I spent the majority of the summer feeling ambivalent, other times angry. Yet strangely enough…this has been one of the best summers and now autumns of my life. Everyone is inviting me everywhere. Long distance friends are calling and texting, begging me to come visit-before they even knew about the breakup. People are begging me to go on vacation with them. Wednesday through Sunday I’m out and about.  My social calendar is booked solid through the beginning of November. I’ve never looked better. My hair, skin, and body look incredible. Everyone keeps telling me how amazing I look. Strangers stop me to tell me how beautiful I am. For the first time in my life, I genuinely feel attractive. Which is even crazier given that he was telling me how bad I looked in the end. 

I’m having fun, but feel like I’m not having fun. Like I’m in a simulation. Or I’m having a good time in someone else’s body.

I was so good to him and he dumped me so cruelly and abruptly. His other girlfriends were drug addicts who did not work-couldn’t even hold down a job, would cheat on him all the time, and one even used to physically abuse him. He still has the scars from when she whipped him with his guitar strings. He tried to make it work with them repeatedly, but they always dumped him.

I feel like the universe played a cruel joke on me. Let me think I could have my happily ever after.

How could a job change everything? How could he disappear so easily? There is no way this guy could have faked his feelings for me. Despite how he ended it, I cannot bring myself to bad mouth him.

I know I did nothing wrong. Usually I’d think it was me but I know in this situation I am completely innocent. I’m trying to figure out if he’s a narcissistic, bi-polar, relapsed, or had some kind of melt down.

I probably dodged a major bullet, but everyday i wake up and just go through life with that “Driving in the car in silence after a stressful workday” type feeling. Even when I’m having fun and surrounded by the people I love and care about me, I’m still in that autopilot mindset.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you're going through this as break ups are hard especially when you don't know the reason.  It's not surprising that you really don't find other dates that great because you're not over this guy yet.  It's best to wait until you're over him before dating or you will continue to get that empty feeling.  Try not to talk to people about him or find out what could be going on in his life as that serves you no purpose.  The only thing to remember is how disrespectful he was in the way he ended it with you.  Keep up therapy, stay NC, exercise and eat well.  You'll get through this.  Hey, at least you are now able to talk about it and get it out the way you did here.

Edited October 25, 2023 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, tigerlilly29 said:

My therapist thinks he either had a psychotic break from too many changes or a relapse. He has not been active on social media-multiple people have checked

Sorry this happened. Trust your instincts that you dodged a bullet.

You seem to be doing a lot of the right things to move on.  Expect stalking his social media. Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

It's good you are going to a therapist, however your therapist cannot diagnose him and in fact should be focusing on your intractable depression, ruminating and trauma bond. 

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done.

Perhaps ask for a referral to a qualified competent, ethical therapist who appropriately focuses on you and  your specific needs for ongoing support. 

[BreakOnThrough]

You're stuck in a moment, when you realize life is no longer about the past, but the future, you'll be fine.  It's hard, but realize he no longer cares, he's not in your life, and if he did, he would be, becoming indifferent about him is what is needed.