My Ex boyfriend has broken up but keeps seeing my stories. Will he come back?

[Sepi]

We have been together for more than two years. We supposed to got married. Even bought the ring. Because of money, we postponeed it. Sometimes he had sudden angers, specially after his brother's suicide and death. He got mad for some simple and stupid things and overreacted. He used to criticize me. And I was always trying. Sometimes he understood my efforts and thanked me and accept his mistakes. His anger usually had three reasons: lack of attention, not following his words, criticizing him. Sometimes his act was cruel. He punished me several times, with ignoring the fact that I was sad. And he talked like it's justified! When he got angry, he humiliated me and sometimes I was afraid of him. He talk like he has the best taste in everything and I dont. And every time he got back he was upset and angry with me, even though he himself was broke up. I think he could be a narsissist, but he never gaslighted me. He introduced me to all his friends and families. And he didn't love bombing me at the beginning. Even many times he took the blame on himself and tryed to fix things. It's like he is narsissist but somethings trigger it. When everything is ok and he's not under pressure, we can easily talk. He went to therapist for 3 sessions and that time life was sooo good!

In past 3 months we had some huge fights and broken up 3 times. Two time we get back together. Third time was Oct 8 when I was talking about my problem with my family and he got mad that I didn't listen to him before, even when I proved him that I couldn't take his advice. Although a week before he told me he need some space and he is under pressure. He broke up with me but didn't block me or unfriend me on social media. Unlike two times before. I didn't either, because last time when I blocked him, after getting back he said it's none sense! because he could reach me in many ways. He's seeing all my status in Whatsapp. Yesterday he cleared our chat history on Telegram, Where we broke up. Oct 22 was my birthday. We supposed to go a trip. But He didn't even call or text me on my birthday and I assumed it's totally over. Or maybe he's punishing me because of not listening to him!

But tonight he was at our mutual friend's house. I am close to that friend and he knows that. And he told me several times that I should not talk to her about our relationship because it's very personal and I should have boundaries. But I have no one who knows my boyfriend and could help me. My friend who are closer to me said, he asked her about me. She told him she didn't talk to me for several weeks, and then he said the same thing with big smile! Maybe he smiled because he knew she was lying. 😅

Now I don't know will he come back or he's gone? And what should I do if he comes back? Is he narsissist? Dangerous? Controlling? How can I protect myself? Actually I can't forgive him right away. I've hurt. But still have feelings for him.

Edited November 7, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
shorten title

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Sepi said:

 what should I do if he comes back? Is he narsissist? Dangerous? Controlling? How can I protect myself? Actually I can't forgive him right away. I've hurt. But still have feelings for him.

Sorry this is happening. Please read up on abusive relationships. Please reach out to domestic violence agencies for information, support and help. Please read up on "trauma bond" and "cycle of violence". 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Do you live alone or with friends or family? If you are afraid of him get a restraining order. Please tell your trusted friends and family about the abuse. Enlist their help and support.  

[glows]

What are the fights about? What did you criticize him on? This relationship sounds dysfunctional (you don’t accept him) and he has anger management problems. 

His smiling sounds odd and I’m wondering if it’s taken out of context. He may have smiled in a polite way to end the conversation. He doesn’t seem to want to have anything to do with you and has not responded or called/texted so leave him alone. I don’t think he’s dangerous. He sounds a bit daft/a hypocrite actually talking to your friends when he wants the break up and details to remain private. How dumb is that and how do you respect someone who does that? 

I understand you still have feelings and he has been through a lot with his brothers passing (sorry to hear that). Distance yourself and find someone else you respect and get along with. The relationship just hasn’t worked and there are reasons for that. You know this.

[Sepi]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

What are the fights about? What did you criticize him on? This relationship sounds dysfunctional (you don’t accept him) and he has anger management problems. 

His smiling sounds odd and I’m wondering if it’s taken out of context. He may have smiled in a polite way to end the conversation. He doesn’t seem to want to have anything to do with you and has not responded or called/texted so leave him alone. I don’t think he’s dangerous. He sounds a bit daft/a hypocrite actually talking to your friends when he wants the break up and details to remain private. How dumb is that and how do you respect someone who does that? 

I understand you still have feelings and he has been through a lot with his brothers passing (sorry to hear that). Distance yourself and find someone else you respect and get along with. The relationship just hasn’t worked and there are reasons for that. You know this.

At that time we were living together and he was under a lot pressure financially. I tried to help him but living together for so long, made him think about marriage and he wasn't ready for it financially but felt he has to do it. In this context he criticized silly things, sooo silly! looking for reason to fight and take a break.

First fight was about my polite asking. I asked that when I'm talking about my personal problems in any case, instead of judging and trying to solve the problem, just listen to it. And make me feel heard. He got mad and accusede me to criticizing him meaninglessly and made it a big deal and broke up. After getting back together he honestly said those things about being under pressure and looking for a scape of living together!

Next fight was several days after getting back together! He said he feel a distance between us and blamed me for it! And I got mad because he was the one who humiliated me, even threatened me, and I never did the same to him. I was always silent when he was angry to prevent make it worse! But this time I got mad and stood up to him but again politely.

Then few days later I text him to talk for last time for having a closure. We talked more than last time and reached a better understanding. But it didn't last long.

I know him and I know his smile was because he knew our friend was lying to him.

I am leaving him alone! I just want to know if and only IF he texts me or trying to get back with me, what should I do? He didn't respect me properly, but I thought he would if he solve his anger issue. I remembered those days that he took three therapy sessions. We were so in peace that time. And it was just 4,5 months ago! Before that was even ok, but that 3 sessions made him more reasonable.

[glows]

I think you’re still emotionally attached and care about this person who mistreated you. You know what you should do - block and delete his contact so he doesn’t reach out, period. Delete and block on social media as well and completely stop looking out for him. He has no power over you unless you let him and allow him back in your life.

As for whether he will change that is dependent on him and how he approaches his problems. You’re thinking of “what if” and not focusing on reality. He doesn’t want to be with you. Even if he changes his mind he ended things and left you so why would you trust him again? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sepi said:

At that time we were living together.  I just want to know if and only IF he texts me or trying to get back with me, what should I do? 

How long were you living together? Did he ask you to leave?

Are you both working? Where do you live now? How old is he? Was the promise of being married the reason you are waiting for him to come back or change? 

Are you in therapy also? Why do you want him to just sit and listen to your problems? Why was he in anger management? 

If he is this horrible abusive narcissist monster, why do you want to get back together? It's unclear why you think abuse is "silly". 

Do you have trusted friends and family you can confide in? 

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, Sepi said:

Now I don't know will he come back or he's gone? And what should I do if he comes back? Is he narsissist? Dangerous? Controlling? How can I protect myself? Actually I can't forgive him right away. I've hurt. But still have feelings for him.

Why on earth would you want this guy back?  By my count this is your 4th break up  Get off the dysfunctional merry go round of break up / make up.  Block him everywhere.  Mourn the loss of the relationship but move on.   You can protect yourself by ending this & going full NC.  Get out & never look back

[MsJayne]

On 10/26/2023 at 11:52 AM, Sepi said:

I just want to know if and only IF he texts me or trying to get back with me, what should I do?

Suggest to him that he get help for his lack of empathy. Is he dismissive, rude, and patronising towards all women or just you? I'm just trying to figure out if he's a misogynist as well as a sexist, a know-all, and a bully. He sounds like very hard work, and I doubt someone with their head this far up their own rear will ever accept that they might be the one causing the problems. I'd set this one free so he can go find the next unfortunate woman to fall into his clutches. 

[Sepi]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

Suggest to him that he get help for his lack of empathy. Is he dismissive, rude, and patronising towards all women or just you? I'm just trying to figure out if he's a misogynist as well as a sexist, a know-all, and a bully. He sounds like very hard work, and I doubt someone with their head this far up their own rear will ever accept that they might be the one causing the problems. I'd set this one free so he can go find the next unfortunate woman to fall into his clutches. 

I suggested him before to get help for fixing our relationship, but he said therapy isn't a science and is completely absurd. He is an engineer and successful in his job, so in his opinion everything except math, physics, chemistry and engineering is not the science. He was a know-it-all and whenever I talked about something, he was disagree and had another opinion, sometimes even by changing mine a little bit. Every time after he broke up, after several days he contacted me, but he wasn't sad or sorry! He was angry that I left him! Accusing me to be heart stoned and giving up so soon. He acknowledged his fault after knowing I will get back to him.

He was polite towards women and understanding their problems. But he wanted me to be perfect and more stronger than other women.

He always was my father's fan! Without meeting him even once. And said it several times. And most of the time I felt a resemblance between them. Their anger was alike. Both have great and gentle heart but with anger issue and both are unpredictable. Even when I was complaining about my father, he stood up for him saying I have to be considerate. And in family conflicts which I told him, he was on my father's side! They both lost their mother's attention and love so young, even their mother was alive. My grandma didn't like my father and my ex's mother got depressed when he was 4 years old for 10 years, and his sister raised him. Both are angry towards their mothers.

This time after some advice in here and from my friends, I blocked him on every social media app. 18 days after broke up. He contacted me from his office, couple days ago asking why I did so. And blamed me for giving up so soon and proving that I didn't love him at all.

He helped me a lot in my education and getting ready for PhD. Even financially. And some time when I complained about his behaviors, he brought it up saying he helped me and he is kind and I have to show my respect. 

I don't think he could ever change and even have peace in his life. It's so sad. I tried to compromise and reach some understanding but I was drowning before him! I still miss him. I know he is a great guy. I still have feelings for him, but I'm avoiding his contact. Nobody can live like this. I asked him to never contact me. He's still block in every social media app, his only chance is sending SMS. I didn't block him on this one so he could contact me via SMS and if he threatened me, I could have a solid proof which he couldn't delet it.

It hurts. I'm struggling and trying to survive. I've got raped at 7 by my uncle and got sexual abuse in my teenage years. I survived those tragedies. I'm not exaggerating but this one is much harder. It aims my heart, my trust, faith, hope for a good life and everything. It's hard to fall in love again.

I'm sorry if I talked to much. Thank you for your help and advice.

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Sepi said:

 I'm struggling and trying to survive. I've got raped at 7 by my uncle and got sexual abuse in my teenage years. I survived those tragedies. 

If he is so horrible, why do you want him back? Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Please find a qualified therapist to help you unpack and sort out your past including incest, assaults, abusive men in your families and discuss trauma bonds with your therapist. 

Please stop trying to fix or change abusive men. If they are abusive it's a conscious choice, they enjoy it and get off on it.  You need to cut people like that out of your life permanently. 

 

[Sepi]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he is so horrible, why do you want him back? Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Please find a qualified therapist to help you unpack and sort out your past including incest, assaults, abusive men in your families and discuss trauma bonds with your therapist. 

Please stop trying to fix or change abusive men. If they are abusive it's a conscious choice, they enjoy it and get off on it.  You need to cut people like that out of your life permanently. 

 

Thank you. I'm trying my best. I didn't want him back actually, I just wanted to know what should I do. I thought I was exaggerating and judging him by some article in internet was wrong. I'm glad that I found this website. I needed someone's approval to delet him from my life. Just a little push!

Thank you for your help. I will do as you said.

[stillafool]

He will never make you happy.  If you marry this guy it will be worse than it is now.  He's mentally abusive and if you're sometimes afraid of him that means he could be physically abusive as well.  Be glad he's gone.  Surely you can do better than this.  Block and delete him.  He'll never respect you.

[glows]

I think what would concern me most is that you kept trying to reach an understanding with someone who consistently behaved like a “know it all” in your words. He doesn’t believe anyone else can be correct except himself and that’s a very dangerous way to live, rather telling in how rigid and unable he is to compromise and listen to the viewpoints of others. He is not collaborative and doesn’t show an ability to build on knowledge not his own.

The key here is focusing on YOU. Your future like you alluded to at the end of your last post. Your pattern is focusing on people like this who are unwilling or unable to respect you, collaborate with you and work with you on a mutual future together. Stop doing that. Stop focusing on him. He is not the main character here, not anymore. You are. Move forward from this with a little more experience and reinforce to yourself what you offer in a relationship and the kinds of traits and character you’d like to see in a partner.  

[d0nnivain]

You don't talk to much.  What you should do is heal & move forward.  If you still have the engagement ring you can mail it back to him or sell it.  What you can't do is get back together or marry this jerk.  

The break up of an engagement is tough.  You had a vision for your life & now that isn't happening.  Still, it's for the best.  This man was not a loving stable partner.  He was abusive & mean.  

To avoid having him contact you block him everywhere.  Use technology to your advantage.  

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, Sepi said:

I'm sorry if I talked to much. Thank you for your help and advice.

You can never talk enough if you've been subjected to narcissistic abuse. You're correct that there's something not right with your ex, and you've obviously worked out that you're attracted to men with some of your father's qualities - intelligent with anger issues. I've noticed people who are very high in logic skills, (good at scientific stuff), are often low in empathy and other areas of emotional intelligence. They often can't read a room to save their life and are like a bull in a china shop if someone's upset around them - displays of emotion annoy them. Could be narcissism, could be an autism spectrum disorder, could be may things that only a qualified person could assess. The main thing is that you acknowledge that there is definitely something wrong with him, he's anti-social, and cruel. I find it disturbing that his brother committed suicide - I wonder if he got as much sympathy and support from his brother as you did, and whether he was regularly run down for being human. I think you'd be wise to cut your losses because marrying this guy would have been a big mistake. I do note that you say he doesn't gaslight you, but he does. When he invalidates your feelings and perceptions -- that's gaslighting. 

[Sepi]

24 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You can never talk enough if you've been subjected to narcissistic abuse. You're correct that there's something not right with your ex, and you've obviously worked out that you're attracted to men with some of your father's qualities - intelligent with anger issues. I've noticed people who are very high in logic skills, (good at scientific stuff), are often low in empathy and other areas of emotional intelligence. They often can't read a room to save their life and are like a bull in a china shop if someone's upset around them - displays of emotion annoy them. Could be narcissism, could be an autism spectrum disorder, could be may things that only a qualified person could assess. The main thing is that you acknowledge that there is definitely something wrong with him, he's anti-social, and cruel. I find it disturbing that his brother committed suicide - I wonder if he got as much sympathy and support from his brother as you did, and whether he was regularly run down for being human. I think you'd be wise to cut your losses because marrying this guy would have been a big mistake. I do note that you say he doesn't gaslight you, but he does. When he invalidates your feelings and perceptions -- that's gaslighting. 

Yes, you're right. I didn't understand gaslighting properly. He gaslighted me the last time. Saying "I wasn't disrespectful to you! Nothing happened! I can't understand why you blocked me!" It was shocking to me!

About his brother's suicide. Couple of months before he said his brother called him crying and told him he wanted to kill himself. My Ex told me this while he was telling me this story, he was making fun of his brother's crying. I told him to be cautious about him. Obviously he wasn't. When his brother commit suicide, before doing it he called everyone to say goodbye, except my ex! And he told me this like it was because of their special bond.

After his brother's death, his abusive behaviors got worse. Before it wasn't a big deal, we hadn't so much arguments and he was gentle and apologizing for his mistakes and logical, but after that he was looking a reason to get mad! The guilt and trauma had a huge impact on him, I guess.

I liked your metaphor about bull in china store. It's just like him. I was walking on a minefield! But I tried to help him to be normal, except I was drowning instead of him. I was searching for his behavior's reason and I come across articles about narsissism.

I'm working on myself and trying to build my future. I hope I will recognize this type of person, easily in future and keep my distance from them.

Thank for your understanding and kind reply. I needed that. In exchange for your help, I will help others around me to avoid getting abuse, to play my part. No one deserves such abusive behaviors.

[MsJayne]

3 minutes ago, Sepi said:

About his brother's suicide. Couple of months before he said his brother called him crying and told him he wanted to kill himself. My Ex told me this while he was telling me this story, he was making fun of his brother's crying. I told him to be cautious about him. Obviously he wasn't. When his brother commit suicide, before doing it he called everyone to say goodbye, except my ex! And he told me this like it was because of their special bond.

That's so sad. And frightening. You definitely need to get right away from him permanently. 

4 minutes ago, Sepi said:

In exchange for your help, I will help others around me to avoid getting abuse, to play my part.

Fantastic attitude. Pay it forward  . 

[CatsMeow]

I would get very clear on what type of relationship you really want from now on. Maybe write it all down, burn it and let the universe and your higher power take care of it completely.