Moving on cold turkey

[Mom2Gs]

How do you just stop. How do you just shut off everything and go on? 

 

I have still talked to my now ex daily since we split almost a month ago. Until yesterday I figured we would keep that going but he decided to tell me I had to stop. Let's be clear here he also reaches out to me for things like measuring an ikea shelf which I know he can find online. 

When I call and talk about us he says I'm relentless and eventually starts yelling at me. 

He still is intimate with me and acts like my hero. He actually did save my life. I almost died when we were on a trip in another country. He did everything he could to keep me alive until rescue arrived. 

I call daily asking why he just flipped a switch when literally the day prior we were talking about wedding plans. Nothing makes sense so I beg for answers. I try to reason with why when I tell him I love him he just says ok, but other times he will say it or say don't think I stopped loving you. 

My world feels shattered. At almost 40, I lost the person I did everything with. 

I fell into depression because of job losses, the injury making life difficult  cause of pains and memory loss, and he said it was that I turned inwards and pulled away that I made him feel unvalued and unloved but I remind him I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him and not all days were bad. I tried really hard to not stay in the whole I felt like I was in.

I don't want to effect our kids relationships (blended family) and he is firm on sharing our dog even though he in his words was a gift to me and I did pay half the bill. 

When I ask him for anything around the future of us he says he can't make and promises or guarantees.

It's so hard to think I just give up and walk away from a man I loved for 20 years and then finally got to be with.

[mark clemson]

No it'll definitely be a gradual process of adjustment and you should look for and expect that.

Unfortunately sometimes when the other person is genuinely done it doesn't much matter how much we might want them back. There is (sometimes) little that can be done.

If he has supported you through very difficult times, there may be an element of "compassion fatigue" in all of this.

You should in part be focusing on ensure you are taken care of (e.g. financially) if he is "detaching".

If therapy is feasible for you, you might consider some to help you with the emotional losses you are experiencing/enduring.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Mom2Gs said:

It's so hard to think I just give up and walk away from a man I loved for 20 years and then finally got to be with.

How long ago you got with him officially as a couple?

Do you have family & friends to support you?

Your brain is used to having him around so it will take a while for your brain to process a new normal without him. It's not a matter of the heart like people think, it's a matter of the brain. 

I remember going through a difficult breakup and knowing it's just a matter of time before the <desperate> feeling goes away, I put up a calendar and I put a big X on each day that passed without me contacting him. After 1 week I rewarded myself, same after one month. You just do it for your sake and the sake of your children. 

The saying goes: When someone wants to leave your life let them. Something better, bigger, more rewarding is waiting for you. 

[basil67]

It sounds like he is the one who moved out?  Your last thread was discussing that he was increasingly frustrated with you (for reasons unknown) and you were quite reasonably hurt by his behaviour.   Sounds like it all got too much and he pulled the plug.   Either that, or he is having an affair.  I don't say that lightly, but such a sudden change without reason usually has a trigger.

Calling every day asking why he flipped a switch is actually relentless.  Has he not given you a reason or do you not understand/accept his reason?   Or perhaps he can't yet put it into words.

Why are you still intimate?  And how is he acting like your hero?  If he's not willing to give this another go, you need to get some boundaries happening.  If he wants to be gone, tell him to sort out his own furniture.  And stop having sex with him.  All this contact is going to make it so much harder for you to move on.

 

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Mom2Gs said:

I fell into depression because of job losses,

Do you work now?  If not, you need to get a job.  It will raise your self esteem and keep your mind busy.

 

20 hours ago, Mom2Gs said:

When I ask him for anything around the future of us he says he can't make and promises or guarantees.

As long as you continue to beg him to have you, the more annoyed with you he will become.  He's not interested in reconciliation and is trying to let you go.  Stop begging him and take back your power.

[Weezy1973]

It may have seemed like turning off a switch to you, but to him internally it was probably a much longer process. 

[BaileyB]

Accepting the end of a relationship and beginning the process of moving forward in a new direction takes time… A month, in the context of separation/divorce, is nothing at all… I think you should be kind to yourself. 

Personally, I don’t think you shut off anything as much as it is a process of gradually letting go as you begin to look forward. 

If he is moving at a different pace, that may be because he is a different person. Maybe he has just made a decision and shut things off. Or maybe, he has been contemplating and preparing for this decision longer than you have…

This situation sounds especially complicated and there are children involved. I think you can expect that this journey will be long and difficult - I hope you have some support. 💕

Edited October 27, 2023 by BaileyB

[Mom2Gs]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Do you work now?  If not, you need to get a job.  It will raise your self esteem and keep your mind busy.

 

As long as you continue to beg him to have you, the more annoyed with you he will become.  He's not interested in reconciliation and is trying to let you go.  Stop begging him and take back your power.

I just started work again. He had wanted me to be the at home mom so I left my job. 

Today I had an incident at my new place my daughter called him and he came immediately over (30min drive). I offered to make him breakfast, so I did. Once he was done fixing the issue he started to cry and hugged me said he loved me and this was breaking him as well. We agreed go try no contact for awhile. 

But we share a dog, my kids are like his kids and his son is like my son. I'm really not sure how we are suppose to go no contact.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Mom2Gs said:

We agreed go try no contact for awhile. 

Probably very wise.

16 minutes ago, Mom2Gs said:

But we share a dog, my kids are like his kids and his son is like my son. I'm really not sure how we are suppose to go no contact.

You obviously can’t go no contact, but you can communicate by text only about the kids and the dog. Personal discussions, cooking him breakfast, physical contact - that must end if you are going to be able to end this relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Mom2Gs said:

 I had an incident at my new place my daughter called him and he came immediately over (I offered to make him breakfast, so I did. 

Please ask your children to contact your friends and family if they need help. Remove his contact info from their phones and replace it with appropriate friends and family. Please stop hanging out with him.

Please explain things better to your children. Redirect them to your nearby family for extended support. Please don't let children get in confusing adult conflicts. You can go no contact. It's his dog and his son. 

Unfortunately you seem very hurt and unwilling to let go despite him throwing you out of his house. Eventually (or even now) there will be other women in his life. Please focus on letting go and moving forward. If he cared about you he wouldn't have thrown you out. 

Edited October 27, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Mom2Gs]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please ask your children to contact your friends and family if they need help. Remove his contact info from their phones and replace it with appropriate friends and family. Please stop hanging out with him.

Please explain things better to your children. Redirect them to your nearby family for extended support. Please don't let children get in confusing adult conflicts. You can go no contact. It's his dog and his son. 

Unfortunately you seem very hurt and unwilling to let go despite him throwing you out of his house. Eventually (or even now) there will be other women in his life. Please focus on letting go and moving forward. If he cared about you he wouldn't have thrown you out. 

Sorry I may have mis wrote that. The dog is mine. I agree with the rest but they're teenagers so it's hard when they have such a bond with him for me to say no

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, Mom2Gs said:

I just started work again. He had wanted me to be the at home mom so I left my job. 

Today I had an incident at my new place my daughter called him and he came immediately over (30min drive). I offered to make him breakfast, so I did. Once he was done fixing the issue he started to cry and hugged me said he loved me and this was breaking him as well. We agreed go try no contact for awhile. 

But we share a dog, my kids are like his kids and his son is like my son. I'm really not sure how we are suppose to go no contact.

Good that you now have a job.  It gives you some independence and will raise your self esteem.  I agree with the NC because you have to get used to him not being available for you and your daughter whenever you want.  Also it will help you to heal not seeing him all the time.  He's pulling away slowly but surely and that is why he suggested NC.