Are we the wrong ones here? I'm so confused.

[ZombieMombie]

I don't even know where to begin. Last year around this time my husband and I were practically begged to go visit his family back in New Jersey for his grandmothers 90th birthday. We had no intention of visiting at that time but nearly everyone in his family said we "HAD to be there"

A little background. We're both from the NYC/NJ area but moved to South Dakota bc of issues with hubbies family. They (his mom the main culprit) were always very mean and disrespectful to me. Calling me names like ******** and a prostitute. They never apologized for these things. His mom, when confronted, only said that I, being from NYC, needed to develop thicker skin. And that was that. Every time it's been brought up bc it still bothers me, it's always "this again. That's in the past" - but it's never been resolved. She doesn't seem to understand this though.  

Fast forward to fall 2021. Hubby is looking for a job in other states (anywhere but home) and gets one in SD. About a month after moving here, I become pregnant and give birth to a beautiful baby boy in May 2022. He was born preemie (35 weeks) I took the whole pregnancy as a sign that it was meant to be since we moved away from that toxic environment.

Now in the Fall of 2022 my baby boy is now 5 months old and his family has yet to meet him which I am completely ok with. This is where they invite us back for his dear Nonna's 90th birthday party bc apparently we just can't miss it. Of course it came with the guilt of "we don't know how many more birthdays she has left" 😒

After much convincing, we decided we would go and spend my husband's 3 month paternity leave there. Don't know what I was thinking at the time. I guess I was excited to also see MY family and have them meet my beautiful boy. 

The first week or so were fine but that started to change quickly. Hubby's mom started demanding he do stuff for her or his grandmother over doing stuff for his son. For instance, we were gonna give out baby a bath but she tells him he needs to go over to his grandmothers house to figure out who called her. It was a weird mixup where the doctors office called his grandmothers house and asked for a lot of personal information so hubby's mom thought it was a scam. He told his mom no bc we were giving baby a bath. She got really upset and told my husband that she doesn't like him. She often would say that or just flat out say she hates him when she didn't get her way. Hubby never takes her serious and just thinks she's having a temper tantrum. It seems to bother ME more than it bothers HIM. 

Another time when I was holding my son in her kitchen she held up a lighter and lit it telling my baby to look and oohed and ahhed like it was something to marvel at "ooh fire" - I immediately took my son away and told my husband. I didn't say anything to HER which I regretted instantly. I just KNEW how she would react. She has a very antagonistic personality and I the opposite. I avoid confrontation like the plague. But as a mama now, I keep kicking myself for dropping the ball and failing to protect my baby. 

Ultimately what really did it, one day she started changing his diaper while the rest of us were eating dinner. My husband told her not to bc I had JUST changed him 15 mins prior. She insisted that he was soaked and needed to be changed. Hubby told her no that he's constantly spitting up and drooling and that's why he feels wet. She proceeded to do it anyway and just made it like it was no big deal telling us that she'd buy us more diapers. That wasn't the point.  

It really pissed off hubby and he stewed for the whole night. The next day he confronted her and told her when he tells her NOT to do something with our son that she is to respect that. She started crying and said that if she can't do whatever she wants with her GRANDCHILD whenever she wants without asking permission then this is not going to work. We were staying with her so we took that to mean that we could no longer stay there. Mind you, we're now 1700 miles away from OUR home. So hubby tells her we'll stay with his grandmother. She told him we're NOT staying there or with anyone else in his family. So we ended up going to my mother's house in Manhattan. 

We had planned staying with his parents for his 3 month paternity leave, not in a 1 bedroom apt in Manhattan. After being with my mom for a week, sleeping on a tiny futon it just became too much so we headed back home. In the duration that we were at my moms, my husband texted his aunt (his mom's sister) telling her what was going on and asked if we could stay there. Suddenly all the communication between us and his family completely stopped. Everyone stopped talking to us. It was insane. He figured his mom had gone back and twisted her version of what really happened. 

So here we are exactly one year later and there has been no communication between us and his family. He's been in contact with a few of his cousins here and there but none of the key players. His cousins have been telling him to just drop this and reach out to his mom and resolve it. Hubby has been saying that he doesn't want to bc he doesn't think HE needs to apologize and that his mom DOES but he knows she never will. He was content to just keep it no contact until she changed. 

I was talking to one of his family's friends and she suggested that we just be the bigger people and give in bc "life is too short" - me being the moron that I am (or perhaps the mom side of me) convinced my husband to call his mom and just tell her exactly how he feels. So we finally did it. We called her and it really didn't make a difference. We stayed on the phone with her for about 3 hours with her trying to convince us that WE were the wrong ones and she has nothing to be sorry for. Hubby told her that in order for this to work there needs to be boundaries. She said she does NOT do boundaries and that this is the way they do things in THEIR family. That he wasn't supposed to move away. He was supposed to stay with his family. All the married people in his family stay within the same area and do absolutely everything together. No one is allowed to venture off and have their own lives. They all seem to be ok with that. I am not. Nothing makes me want to break away more than the control of feeling obligated to do something. 

Hubby's dad, btw, this whole time has been defending his wife and telling his son that we need to explain ourselves; that this is his mother and he needs to respect her. He's also telling my husband that there needs to be more communication and that we need to move back for the sake of my son having a family since it's just the three of us in South Dakota right now. 

Anyway, this is all just a s*** show and I guess my question is, are we the wrong ones here? I feel like we're not but I'm also not opposed to hearing if we are. With his family members and friends saying that we just need to give in, it makes me think are we making a bigger deal of this than it is? 

[d0nnivain]

You are not wrong.  

You were there for the 90th birthday.  You tried being the bigger people & they showed more of their true colors.  Just let it go.  If you do end up coming back for a funeral or something, keep the visit short & stay in a hotel. 

[Wiseman2]

You did the right thing sticking together as a family and most of all protecting your child. You don't owe his family anything. They seem obnoxious and abusive and it's best to avoid them. They are not going to change. Take care of yourself and your new little family and distance yourself from these in-laws.