2 years and I'm 'still not over it'

[unsophisticated]

Over two years ago I broke up with my first love so I could explore my own personal identity. The relationship was, for lack of a better word, perfect. He was (and is) a lovely human and I feel so lucky that my first relationship was so wonderful. Directly after the breakup I went through some "trauma" (when I was exploring my identity, I explored myself into some dangerous and bad situations). I ended up in the psych ward, followed by months of intensive therapy. I learned how to take care of myself, and got so much closer with myself. For the first time in my life, I learned how to take care of myself, which I consider to be very important.

But oh my gosh, I still miss my ex so much. Even after two years, the pain of missing him can so fresh and all encompassing. The breakup was really hard on him too, but after a year he got into another relationship. The thought of him being with someone else is so painful. I feel guilty because ultimately I want him to be happy, so if he is happy with someone else, I should be happy for him. I wish it was that easy, but the feelings are complicated. 

I feel like I can't talk to my friends about this, because it has been two years. This is old news, I can't imagine how annoying it would be to listen to me rehash my unresolved feelings for my ex 24 months after the breakup. So I keep it to myself, and it feels awful.

In many ways, things have gotten better with time, but these feelings are still here and intense and real. There is part of me who is worried it will always feel this way, even though everyone says it won't. People say there isn't a time limit on getting over things, and everyone needs a different amount of time. But I think that other people have a limit for how long they want to help you with/ hear about you getting over something. Feeling really isolated and heartbroken, and not sure where to go from here. 

[S2B]

I wouldn’t suggest going backwards. Work with your therapist on how to NOT spend energy focused on regrets (the old relationship).

it wasn’t working for a reason. Let it be.

[basil67]

@S2B is right about how it wasn't working.  In my experience, people don't break up perfectly good relationships unless they want out.  Perhaps you're looking back with rose coloured glasses?

[giotto]

I agree with the above, although I don't really know what you mean by "explore my personal identity". Must have been very important to you to dissolve a "perfect" relationship. I also don't know your age. I don't think we have enough info here to give you any good advice.

[d0nnivain]

You made the choice to end that "perfect" relationship.  Take some ownership of that.  At a minimum you need to reframe the issue. 

1.  Your relationship wasn't perfect.  If it was you could have "explored your personal identity" (whatever that means) while continuing to date him.   The fact that you could not do that says that the relationship was not as perfect as you claim. 

2.  Give whatever trauma happened to you when you put yourself in those "dangerous" and "bad" situations so that you ended in a psych ward had to be terrible.  I suspect that you are looking nostalgically back on your relationship, rewriting history, because whatever it was, the relationship was so much easier & safer than what you went through after it.  Thus, it's not so much him or the relationship, but the "before" when you were more innocent that you long to recapture.   

3.  Try to remember that you are now free to go find something healthier, better & more mature.  Then set out to do just that.  

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, unsophisticated said:

I feel like I can't talk to my friends about this, because it has been two years. This is old news, I can't imagine how annoying it would be to listen to me rehash my unresolved feelings for my ex 24 months after the breakup. So I keep it to myself, and it feels awful.

Reach out to them.  Good friends realize emotions are complicated and may need to be rehashed.  That's what friends are for.

[flitzanu]

i'm taking both sides here.

(one day i'll have to write out this big long story)

i've been in a similar situation, a bit of the opposite, pining over someone from my past that was long gone.

turns out she was doing what you are doing right now, pining over me without me knowing, and "assuming" that i was happy, so she never said anything.

both of us never said anything because we thought the other was fine and happy.

so on one hand...you may be missing an opportunity and you may regret it for life if you don't at least say SOMETHING.  you have to be prepared for him not feeling the same way, but it would be better to get it out in the open instead of suffering the rest of your life.

-- the other side, it does depend a bit on your reasons for ending things.  he may despise you and not want you back at all, or maybe the relationship had bad flaws that you're ignoring and maybe its best left in the past.