Too independent?

[Toooldforgames]

Hello, I just wanted to come on here and get some advice. I am 35, single and I’ve been so happy recently but something is playing on my mind. It’s almost like I have been let down so much by people that I’ve decided doing everything alone and just relying on myself is best. No disappointments. I am normally so happy yet this evening I am worried I’m never going to be in a relationship again. I worry about being old and having nobody. My family are fantastic and I have one very good friend. I have colleagues who are wonderful. I just feel unsettled and not sure how to let new people in? 

[MsJayne]

Maybe try some dating apps. You may be right that "too independent" can be a turn off, it can make others feel redundant in a relationship. Lots of relationships survive because of mutual dependence, so if you're one of those who can manage on their own it puts out a vibe that you don't need anyone. Being as you have your life together and are happy despite occasional loneliness you're probably a good catch and just need to put yourself out there . 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Toooldforgames said:

  I am worried I’m never going to be in a relationship again. I worry about being old and having nobody. 

It's great you have a nice life with friends family and interests. Keep in mind that unavailable people choose other unavailable people

.Hopefully you have ended the distance FWB situation? That in itself can cause a false sense of security that you "have somebody", when you really don't.

Please free yourself entirely from that situation. Perhaps get a good profile and pics on quality paid relationship focused dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Also consider broadening your social horizons with groups, clubs, classes, volunteering,etc.

 

Edited October 27, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Toooldforgames]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully you have ended the distance FWB situation

Hello again  I took everyone’s advice in that situation and I ended the FWB situation. It was a bit messy in the sense he tried to carry on (saying it was fine how it was) but I firmly put in boundaries and now we are no longer friends. It’s just added to how I’m feeling I think? Like we’ve been friends since school and someone can just disappear in a blink of an eye … yet I know after posting it made me feel better and I did the right thing in ending the FWB. But now I feel like I’m going to end up alone because if a long term friend didn’t want me then who will! 

[Toooldforgames]

23 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Maybe try some dating apps. You may be right that "too independent" can be a turn off, it can make others feel redundant in a relationship. Lots of relationships survive because of mutual dependence, so if you're one of those who can manage on their own it puts out a vibe that you don't need anyone. Being as you have your life together and are happy despite occasional loneliness you're probably a good catch and just need to put yourself out there . 

I’m just not sure how to put this fence I’ve built up down again? It’s almost like I’ve shot myself in the foot because I can do everything alone but now I feel lonely  

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Toooldforgames said:

I  I did the right thing in ending the FWB. But now I feel like I’m going to end up alo ne because if a long term friend didn’t want me then who will! 

It's great you ended things. Perhaps you are just feeling a void right now that this situationship filled. Please date local caring men.

Sadly FWB rarely end well. You don't have walls and fences up, you simply weren't true to yourself about this going nowhere. Actually you do want a relationship, so now that you are free of this, you can find one. 

[basil67]

Disappointments are part of life for everyone....and I believe that part of having successful friendships (and even relationships) is managing our own expectations.   

Can you tell us more about the disappointments which caused you to get to this point?   

Edited October 27, 2023 by basil67

[Toooldforgames]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Can you tell us more about the disappointments which caused you to get to this point?   

My 20s were very chaotic… I spent my early 30s having to reset on life after breaking down (I think this happens when you’re not being fully authentic with yourself and people pleading). So I put myself first, I put in boundaries with people that were no good for me. The people I have left are truly special to me but now I struggle to make new connections. When someone new comes into my life I find it hard to open up or fully be myself in fear I’ll end up having them walk away or not being good for me! I show them the strong, confident, happy side which makes me seem way too independent. I don’t know how to be vulnerable … 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Toooldforgames said:

  which makes me seem way too independent. I don’t know how to be vulnerable … 

Have you ever looked up the definition of "vulnerable"? It means being open to harm. This is absolutely not necessary for friends and relationships. You can just be yourself. Be open but relationships are not about TMI and therapy. 

Being upbeat does not make you seem "too independent". You have friends, colleagues you enjoy, family, etc. So you're not on a deserted island or closed off or isolated behind fences.  

It seems this FWB did more harm than you realize or want to acknowledge because he was supposedly your friend. But friends don't use each other for their own needs at the expense of others. Those are called parasites, not friends. 

Your concepts about being unlovable or "too independent", seem to come from a place of cognitive dissonance (Google it). It's when your mind tries to accept the unacceptable to wrap your head around the difference between what is and what should be. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Toooldforgames said:

When someone new comes into my life I find it hard to open up or fully be myself in fear I’ll end up having them walk away or not being good for me! I show them the strong, confident, happy side which makes me seem way too independent. I don’t know how to be vulnerable … 

Yeah, I get it.  When I'm with dear friends, we talk about our troubles, thoughts and feelings and support each other.  

And yes, sometimes friendships do end.  Or if it's really bad they might even share our confidences with someone else.  I guess while we trust our friends, we also have to trust in ourselves that we can overcome adversity.  Yes, it hurts if a friend moves on, but we just have to lick our wounds and move on.  

Have you looked into the concept of building resilience?  It's about having knowing that s*** happens, accepting that it's disappointing, but having the confidence that we will be OK

[glows]

As long as you’re open and polite and respectful to others you’ll eventually meet people like yourself. It may not be instant or overnight but it will happen.  I think the above comments about being yourself from Wiseman and practicing resilience from Basil are incredibly helpful and have found these to be the case as well.

Also keep in mind that creating healthy boundaries will mean that you’re not as available to unhealthy relationships or relationship dynamics as before. It won’t be as easy to connect because you’ve raised the bar and set standards for yourself in what you will and won’t do. What you will and won’t tolerate. 

Have you thought of being more involved volunteering or joining local interest groups? Why not connect with your neighbours, peers and other likeminded people? If you’re an outdoorsy person and love skiiing for instance you’re much more likely to meet similar individuals joining a ski club or if you feel passionate about giving back to the community volunteering at a local food bank will encourage you to meet others who also have the same values. It’s much easier making friends this way but not a guarantee as not everyone is there to make friends. Be yourself and put a hold on those negative thoughts. 

 

 

[MsJayne]

17 hours ago, glows said:

keep in mind that creating healthy boundaries will mean that you’re not as available to unhealthy relationships or relationship dynamics as before.

This is a very valid point. When you've rebuilt your inner self after trauma and you begin to state your boundaries with people it can be very difficult to form new relationships, both because you're wary and watchful towards new people, and also because you're less inclined to tolerate disrespectful behaviour. For any of us who make a conscious decision to rid ourselves of, and stay away from, toxic people, the people we're left with are quality, but usually few.  A sad fact of life is that for every one person who leaves you with a feeling of being uplifted there's at least two who'll bring you down. A by-product of being fussy who you associate with can be loneliness, there's millions of people who others would describe as a 'loner' who are in fact just people who prefer a bit of loneliness as opposed to the load of drama that unhealthy relationships bring. 

 

[d0nnivain]

No person is an island.  We need others. 

Let new people in slowly a little at time, not sharing everything all at once & building up trust.  

[Foxhall]

There are certain advantages I suppose yes if a person is just gradually building something casual and not overly committed as of yet,

Involved in a four year relationship now personally and I find partner being too independent is a negative,

Ultimately the other person  feels that they are not really wanted or at least can get that feeling they are not that important, which is not a great feeling tbh- 

 

[Toooldforgames]

I think this is why I came back to this site because I feel like i can speak my truth and also have people who can give very good and impartial advice. I am reading each reply and am so thankful for all these kinds words, wisdom and knowledge. It makes me feel less alone. Thank you to each and every one of you for taking time out of your own lives to help me 

wiseman2 I feel like you’re some kind of therapist with all the information you give me 🙏🏼 I have googled and oh my I can say that I can relate to cognitive dissonance!! 

@basil67 I think I really need to work on my resilience. I can say all these things to people I love ‘it will be okay’ and ‘sod them you’re better than that’ … yet when it’s myself I struggle. I think I need to work on my resilience 

[Toooldforgames]

20 hours ago, glows said:

Also keep in mind that creating healthy boundaries will mean that you’re not as available to unhealthy relationships or relationship dynamics as before. It won’t be as easy to connect because you’ve raised the bar and set standards for yourself in what you will and won’t do. What you will and won’t tolerate. 

Have you thought of being more involved volunteering or joining local interest groups? Why not connect with your neighbours, peers and other likeminded people? If you’re an outdoorsy person and love skiiing for instance you’re much more likely to meet similar individuals joining a ski club or if you feel passionate about giving back to the community volunteering at a local food bank will encourage you to meet others who also have the same values. It’s much easier making friends this way but not a guarantee as not everyone is there to make friends. Be yourself and put a hold on those negative thoughts. 

Wow I feel so heard and seen @glows. I have now decided I’ve always wanted to try climbing and am going to book a lesson tomorrow. I love hiking and being in my van 🚐 I meet some lovely people but they’re always on the road and it’s a quick passing. I also get nervous about new things but I’m sure everyone does. From your message I need to put myself in the right places rather than hiding away at home?! Thank you 🙏🏼 

[Toooldforgames]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

both because you're wary and watchful towards new people, and also because you're less inclined to tolerate disrespectful behaviour.

@MsJaynethis message is exactly how I feel. Almost like by looking after myself I’ve created barriers but those barriers are for protection and I’m guessing the right people I can open them for. It’s just a bit scary being the loner. When all your family and friends seem to have their ‘people’ and sort of make you feel like they are feeling sorry for you being alone too. Everyone always says ‘don’t worry you’ll meet someone’ and makes me feel like I’m doing everything all wrong 😔 

[Toooldforgames]

46 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Ultimately the other person  feels that they are not really wanted or at least can get that feeling they are not that important, which is not a great feeling tbh- 

Yes that’s exactly what’s been happening and I hate I make people feel that way!! Because it couldn’t be further from the truth as I genuinely do think I want people .. I just don’t know how to filter out the good and the bad whilst protecting myself too. It’s very confusing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Toooldforgames said:

Yes that’s exactly what’s been happening and I hate I make people feel that way!! Because it couldn’t be further from the truth as I genuinely do think I want people .. I just don’t know how to filter out the good and the bad whilst protecting myself too. It’s very confusing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts 

Perhaps it would help if you told us about some of your previous experiences and talk about whether or not there were missed red flags.  Or things which could have been done differently.

 

[glows]

6 hours ago, Toooldforgames said:

Wow I feel so heard and seen @glows. I have now decided I’ve always wanted to try climbing and am going to book a lesson tomorrow. I love hiking and being in my van 🚐 I meet some lovely people but they’re always on the road and it’s a quick passing. I also get nervous about new things but I’m sure everyone does. From your message I need to put myself in the right places rather than hiding away at home?! Thank you 🙏🏼 

Yes… And being open. You’re not likely going to meet anyone staying at home. Glad to hear you’re looking into climbing and trying a lesson. Go for it and see where it takes you. 

It sounds like your issue is a bit deeper than being in the right place, right time. You’re having trouble filtering “good” from “bad”. I’m not sure what that means and like Basil would like to hear examples. 

I think this takes us back to the concept of resiliency as well and learning that making mistakes is ok. We learn and move on. Don’t keep dwelling on it or punishing yourself. Pick yourself up and figure out what works/what doesn’t.

 

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, Toooldforgames said:

Everyone always says ‘don’t worry you’ll meet someone’

How patronising and irritating, but well-meant and ultimately probably true. I do think you should try a dating app if you haven't already, it takes your mind off being in Single Town and opens up potential avenues of expending your social circle.