MM/MW in Sexless Marriages

[mebovary]

Can a man and a woman who are married to good people who cannot have sex due to medical conditions have a healthy arrangement if their spouses don’t know? Neither of us wants to leave our spouses, but we are suffering from the lack of physical intimacy. His wife implied that he could find sex elsewhere as long she didn’t have to hear about it, but I think my husband would be hurt because he already feels emasculated by the situation.
       My friends think that we are inviting trouble and that going outside the marriage is a bad idea, but I don’t know how I will be able to stand another decade of this. We are all in our 40s.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, mebovary said:

 Neither of us wants to leave our spouses, but we are suffering from the lack of physical intimacy. His wife implied that he could find sex elsewhere.  I don’t know how I will be able to stand another decade of this. We are all in our 40s.

 How long have you been seeing each other? How do you know each other? Do you work together? Do both of you work full time? Do either of you have minor children at home? Is your husband disabled or terminally ill?

Are you sure he is in an open marriage? There is a potential for headaches and heartaches when your husband finds out.  Why would it be another "decade of this"?  What happens in your 50s?  

Please privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for advice information and support regarding your situation and what your options are. What is the reason you are staying married? Because this man won't leave his wife? 

[basil67]

Interesting you reference the tragedy which is Madam Bovary.  This suggests you already know it won't end well

[Els]

33 minutes ago, mebovary said:

but I don’t know how I will be able to stand another decade of this

Um, you don't have to? It's 2023, you are perfectly able to leave if you want to, nobody can force you to stay in your marriage. You're just choosing to try to have your cake and eat it too... and that usually doesn't end well.

Edited October 28, 2023 by Els

[d0nnivain]

People can do whatever they want but cheating is rarely the answer.  

[central]

Cheating is seldom a good answer, but if you won't divorce and can't ask for an open marriage (although I'm not sure that this would be less hurtful in the long run), then there are no other good options. Plenty of people have affairs and are never found out (from what I've read, well over 80% keep it permanently secret). 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, mebovary said:

…but we are suffering from the lack of physical intimacy. 

What is the source of suffering? If you need a sexual release, masturbation does the trick. If it’s physical intimacy with your spouse you’re looking for, cuddling, hugging and kissing gets you that. All things that can be easily achieved without having sex with other people! 

[BaileyB]

If the roles were reversed and you could not have sex due to a medical condition, how would you feel if your husband began asexual relationship with another woman? What’s more, how would you feel if he did this without your knowledge or consent?

16 hours ago, mebovary said:

His wife implied that he could find sex elsewhere as long she didn’t have to hear about it

She may have said this, or maybe not. Unfortunately, you can’t trust him when he tells you this because he is pushing his own agenda.

This is obviously a common justification said by many men who cheat - sometimes it’s true, more often it’s probably not true.

Regardless, it does not matter because your husband has not given his consent for you to have sex with another man. And, he is the person you should be most concerned about - not the MM’s wife.
 

Unless and until you get your husband’s consent, I would say this is a bad idea. You are clearly trying to justify the decision to cheat - it’s for his benefit that I don’t tell him, as she said… she doesn’t want to know. Your husband is unlikely to feel this way when he discovers what are doing… so, either you put your big girl panties on and get his consent or you don’t do it at all… that’s my advice. 

[stillafool]

I agree using the excuse of no sex is a bad reason to cheat.  People who have had sex outside of their marriage due to illness usually has permission from their spouse.  You won't even ask yours.  There are far more ways to have sex other than PIV.  Weezy is right, if it's hugging, kissing, physical touch that's needed your husband can do that for you.  No excuse to go outside your marriage.  You just want to have sex with another man.

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, mebovary said:

Can a man and a woman who are married to good people who cannot have sex due to medical conditions have a healthy arrangement if their spouses don’t know?

What part of cheating is a healthy arrangement? 

[IrinaM]

So he told you that his wife "implied" he could step outside the marriage? These type of vague statements are very typical of cheating MM. That's not really something that gets "implied," it's something discussed openly and explicitly agreed upon.

I would be very careful. In all likelihood he is being dishonest with you about the state of his marriage. Don't go into this affair thinking you are two kindred souls both trapped in lonely marriages.

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, mebovary said:

 I think my husband would be hurt

I don’t know how I will be able to stand another decade of this. We are all in our 40s.

You're almost certainly right about that.

He'd be hurt by divorce too. I'm not going to advise you one way or the other on that, but I do believe a situation where one or both partners can't get their needs met is a recipe for the eventual dissolution of a marriage unless something can be done about it. Or years of "suffering in silence."

Married couples have only so many major options (and all have potential problems and issues) -

- Work on the marriage/with the partner to address the issue.

- Divorce

- Cheat

- Open the marriage

- Do nothing and seek "life satisfaction" in other ways

[FMW]

On 10/28/2023 at 4:26 PM, mebovary said:

but I don’t know how I will be able to stand another decade of this.

If everything is good in your marriage except for the inability to have sex, and that issue brings you to this point, then it's obviously a deal-breaker for you.  If you care about your husband, tell him how you feel.  Either he will agree to you having an extramarital sex partner, or you can agree to end your marriage.  The alternative is that you will be unhappy and resentful if you stay physically faithful, or you will be a cheater and most likely end up in an ugly situation.  

There's no "healthy" arrangement that doesn't include honesty with all parties - that includes the spouses.  

[mebovary]

Wow, I feel like I got some sound advice here. Thank you to everyone who weighed in.