Would this matter to you?

[Cubby_J]

Longtime reader, firstime poster:)

 

Ok my situation is this, my girlfriend and I have been together about 6 months now. I feel she has a few issues she refuses to do anything about. We have broken up about these already but i have given her a second chance and am not sure if i should've.

 

We met on a online dating site, which I was a little leery of using in the first place but within a week we met, she was everything I had ever hoped for, sexy, smart, caring, beautiful.

 

The relationship progressed very fast and within a month we were living together, We were convinced we were soulmates. Love this pure had never been felt by either of us. Not once did we ever say this is moving to fast, we had plans to marry and get a house together within the 3rd month. thats how certain we both were we had met the "one".

 

 

One day while just checking my internet history, I noticed the old dating site we had met on (which i had deleted my account) was allover the history. I confronted her and asked her why are you still on that site? She says well, I've been on there for over a year, have alot of friends and stuff on there and still like to chat with them. I was reluctant but said I understood, and really have no problem with that as long as they know you're taken an not still single. She said of course they know I'm dating you. I'm not a super jealous guy but if some guy hits on my girlfriend I tend to loose it.

 

So after a couple months of her being on that site and her being open and honest with me about it, telling me her password, surfing the site and chatting while i was sittin right beside her even. i almost accepted the fact. I mean it is a dating site though but I'm not going to tell her what she can and can't do. if she wants to be with me she will, if she doesn't she doesn't have to be with me. Pretty simple right?

 

So the past month or so I find out from her dad she's meeting guys from the site every other night while I'm at work, going for coffee or a drink or two!! not just chatting with them. One weekend she basically disappears on me and comes back with a huge hicky on her neck (I mean we're both in our 30's here, lol not high shcool!!). That was the final straw for me. Even though I loved her more than anyone I have ever loved I knew I had to let her go because i felt I couldn't trust her. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt betrayed because she has always been so against cheaters cause she had been cheated on so many times. Her story was she was really drunk, this guy wanted to see us broken up and he figured he'd help the situation.

 

so a week goes by, i was so prepared to move on until she showed up at my door for her stuff. The love we have and the sparks that fly when we're together are amazing and when I look into her eyes I can't say no. Long story short we got back together on sunday this week. I ask why meet all those guys when you have me? she said all of the guys she meets are strictly friends only, she doesn't trust women at all. They know she's attached ect etc ect. No diff than me going out with my friends she says. i suppose i can deal with her just having guys as friends but it's kind of hard after the hicky incident.

 

Which brings me to today, now she is hiding nothing i know of and is as open and honest as anyone can be about the whole situation but i almost wish she was hiding it. This weekend is a big singles dance and bachleorette auction put on by the dating site she still belongs to that she plans to attend and be auctioned off!!!! I have to work that night so of course I won't be attending.

 

Immediately I voiced my opinion against this and she freaks saying i'm being to jealous and need to give her some space. She spent the better part of today telling me over and over that I'm the only one for her, I'm the love of her life, I have nothing to worry about, she's just going out to have a good time ect ect. I do believe that but question why she needs all the attention from these men all the time.

 

Now I'm only human, and get jealous from time to time but to me it seems as though she wants to live the singles lifestyle with the benefits of a boyfriend. I know I have issues with trust but to me trust has to be earned not given. I told her of course you can go, I'm not here to control your life.

 

so bottom line is, am I a blind insecure jealous fool who's getting walked over or am somewhat justified in feeling angry and jealous?

 

Thanks for any and all comments.

[J dub]

>One weekend she basically disappears on me and comes back with a huge hicky on her neck (I mean we're both in our 30's here, lol not high shcool!!). That was the final straw for me. Even though I loved her more than anyone I have ever loved I knew I had to let her go because i felt I couldn't trust her.

 

Well no kidding, clearly she cheated on you.

 

>Her story was she was really drunk, this guy wanted to see us broken up and he figured he'd help the situation.

 

Even when you are the drunkest of drunk, you KNOW what you are doing. She knew. The guy wanted you broken up eh? She did too apparently, otherwise she wouldnt have let it happen.

 

>Long story short we got back together on sunday this week.

 

Did she apologize? Ask to come home? Admit her mistake? ANYTHING?!

 

>I ask why meet all those guys when you have me? she said all of the guys she meets are strictly friends only,

 

RIIIIGHT.

 

>she doesn't trust women at all.

 

Because she is one and she's not trustworthy herself.

 

>No diff than me going out with my friends she says.

 

Except that the guys she goes out with GIVE HER HICKIES!

 

>I suppose i can deal with her just having guys as friends but it's kind of hard after the hicky incident.

 

No kidding.

 

>This weekend is a big singles dance and bachleorette auction put on by the dating site she still belongs to that she plans to attend and be auctioned off!!!! I have to work that night so of course I won't be attending.

 

Sorry guy, shes playin the field and you are being the enabler by allowing her to go.

 

>she freaks saying i'm being to jealous and need to give her some space.

 

She SHOULD have listened to your side and understood that since she loves you, and it makes you feel uncomfortable, she doesnt wsant you to second guess her so she wont go. That is, if she wanted to be with yonly you, which obviously she doesnt.

 

>She spent the better part of today telling me over and over that I'm the only one for her, I'm the love of her life, I have nothing to worry about, she's just going out to have a good time ect ect.

 

Actions speak louder than words...if this was so she wouldnt be going to this auction shindig.

 

> I do believe that but question why she needs all the attention from these men all the time.

 

Because shes not ready to settle? Perhaps shes an attention wh0re?

 

>but to me it seems as though she wants to live the singles lifestyle with the benefits of a boyfriend.

 

Yep, and youre allowing it.

 

>I know I have issues with trust but to me trust has to be earned not given.

 

Exactly.

 

>I told her of course you can go, I'm not here to control your life.

 

So why dont you lay on the ground and let her walk all over you? Oh wait...you already are.

 

>so bottom line is, am I a blind insecure jealous fool who's getting walked over

 

Youre not blind because you see whats going on but you dont want to SEE it. Rose colored glasses you know?

 

>or am somewhat justified in feeling angry and jealous?

 

SOMEWHAT? You are MORE than justified - you need to lay down the law and if she doesnt like it, then you know shes not looking for a future with you, she just wants a sugar daddy. That sounds really stupid but seriously? Read your post as if it were a stranger that wrtote it.

[slubberdegullion]

... it seems as though she wants to live the singles lifestyle with the benefits of a boyfriend.

That's exactly what she's doing, my friend; having her security at home with the excitement of dating new men.

she freaks saying i'm being to jealous and need to give her some space.

This is a smokescreen designed to keep you off the topic. This is not about jealousy or control, this is about her potential infidelity, which naturally you have a certain issue with. Who wouldn't?

 

She's playing you, buddy. She's relying upon your goodwill and gentle nature. She may say that you're the only one for her, yadda yadda yadda, but as we all know actions speak louder than words.

 

Get out while you still can with your dignity intact. Yes, it's gonna hurt, but it will be less painful than investing years into a relationship only to regret it in the end because you had fair warning right up front.

 

Good luck.

[Cubby_J]

Thanks for the replies! I know I'm an idiot. Guess i was just looking for someone to say that maybe I am over reacting. I know it seems pretty cut and dry thats she's playing me. I just need to understand why and how.

 

Her son (who is 5) and I have become so attached, his father wants nothing to do with him, he has had numerous family members abandon him and my gf has cried to me many times about this about how he needs me, and can't have anyone else leave him and she feels it would scar him even more as he has mild brain damage. I can understand her doing this to me, i can't understand her doing this to her son for her own selfishness or even worse using him to keep me around. She knows I'm not going to be around if she's "playing" me. I've given her freedom to do what she wants but she knows if i ever found out about her having sex with anyone I'd leave her in a heartbeat. I've given her every opportunity in the book to leave me, yet she refuses saying she loves me too much. Everytime i have broken it off she has come back crying to me. Why do this to someone if you're playing them?? I'm not rich, all I offer is my unconditional love.

 

Yes, she is an "attention whore", she's getting a little older and I think she just wants to feel like she still has it even though i tell her that daily. She did apologize for the hicky and her not calling that weekend, saying she should've never let it happen. I believed her. Gave her the benefit of the doubt. I must also stress she has proven her love to me, time and time again not by just words either, its the little things that mean most to me and she does them all.

 

I know it sounds like i'm sticking up for her, i'm in denial I guess, you just have to know what we've shared and been through to fully comprehend the situation I'm in. for me to accept the fact she was just using me, has only been playing me and using her son to trap me for these 6 months is impossible for me to understand why. I'm not rich, live in a small one bedroom apartment, good looking guy though ( ) but if all you good people say is true how could someone be so evil??

[slubberdegullion]

First of all, you're not an idiot. Secondly, you're not in denial, because you know what's going on.

 

Even if you and her end your relationship, that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to sever the relationship with the child.

 

But cross that bridge if/when you get to it. Meanwhile, from this vantage point it seems that both you and she have some pretty major trust issues to work on.

 

Good luck.

[TUDOR]

I concur with what Jdub said. Wake up and smell the cheating!

[J dub]

> I just need to understand why and how.

 

Dont waste your time, women usually dont know what their own minds are thinking, let alone someone else trying to figure them out. Its one of life's mysteries.

 

You said she wouldnt play you because she knows you'd leave if she did. But what youre doing is making up every excuse for her actions, justifying them in your own way, and spitting them back out all sugar coated and full of BS.

 

One of the sucky things about having a relationship w/ someone who has a child is that its not just you two in it, its the kids too. You lose one, you lose all of em. That should have been something she considered before she ran out and cheated.

 

Unless you draw the line and stand for your feelings, she is going to do whatever the heck she wants while you sit and mope on the side. Dont do this, you deserve to be someone's 100%.

[country gal]

Don't beat yourself up.... its hard to give up on someone who has a whole lot of things taht you were really looking for and enjoyed ... the problem is, she's not capable of truly giving you what you need (or probably herself for that matter). Move on... you'll save yourself a lot of grief ... and it will also allow you to open yourself up to find the real 'one'

[downcydeguy]

Sorry man, but it's time to get out of this messy relationship. You know exactly what she's doing and are digging for excuses as to why. There is no justification for her. It doesn't matter what her exes were like to her. YOU ARE NOT HER EX! And the lies??? There are good liars and there are bad liars. The bad ones try to keep their wrongdoings a secret. Then when the other finds out, it's over - hands down. The good liars are those who tell you just enough about what they're doing as a smokescreen. She was "open and honest" with you about the site so you didn't think twice about being suspicious. She knew that. So look how easy it was to fool you! Cheaters get busted almost every time. Sometimes immediately and sometimes long after a relationship is over.

Bottom line is that she's a cheater and is using you completely. It's sad about the child but you can't let that control your decision.