Looking for thoughts on a hard decision

[MagsWick]

I'll try to be as brief as possible.

I'm considering entering into a relationship with a dear, old friend of nearly 30 years. He is one of my late husband's best friends and we have found a mutual attraction since my husband passed. Unfortunately,  we live too far apart for a relationship to work. Neither of us wants to move. I understand why he doesn't. I haven't been able to tell him a major reason why I don't want to because it could destroy the love he has in his heart for my late husband. They were like brothers.

I just don't know if I should tell him. Telling him won't change anything, I don't think. I just think he would understand my reasons better. I just don't know.

Any thoughts?

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, MagsWick said:

I haven't been able to tell him a major reason why I don't want to

Can you give us a vague idea of what this reason is? 

It might help us give you better advice. 

[MagsWick]

My husband and I had a wonderful but sometimes turbulent relationship. It was full of magic and love and life and fun and dreams realized but our trust in each other became diminished. Initially because of my own actions which destroyed his trust in me to the point that he took actions he would have never taken befootherwise. As a result, while I remained faithful to him, he pursued the sexual services of many (scores) strange women over many (30+, off and on) years. That's a big reason I don't want to move because it would be back to the area where most of that activity happened.

We worked through it, forgave each other for all the heartache and the last year or so was so much better. But I don't want to live in the middle of that. Not just because of what he did, but because of how I drove him to it.

If I explained this to my friend, it could crush him. But I really want him to understand. I have reason to believe he might be ready to make a life decision, which can only go one way. But I want him to understand it's not just stubbornness or tiredness or general unwillingness. I really care for him more than I want to.

Would it be selfish of me to tell him?

[MagsWick]

I would like to add that my friend may have already made that life decision and perhaps this conversation may never happen. But it could and I just don't know whether to let it be.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MagsWick said:

, while I remained faithful to him, he pursued the sexual services of many (scores) strange women over many (30+, off and on) years. That's a big reason I don't want to move because it would be back to the area where most of that activity happened.

Would it be selfish of me to tell him?

Who is this friend and what is the situation between you two? How long have you been married? Why do you believe that it's ok for your husband to prowl around prostitutes and what makes you believe you "drove him to it"? 

It's unclear what your husband's philandering and sex addiction has to do with moving or this friend?

Please speak to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Please get tested for STDs. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Privately and confidentiality discuss your husband's promiscuity, moving and whoever this friend is .

Please also privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for advice information and support regarding your situation. 

[MagsWick]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who is this friend and what is the situation between you two? The friend is one of my late husband's dearest, best friends, who I have personally known well for nearly 30 years. We have always been relaxed and comfortable around each other. He and his son would join me and my husband on all sorts of grand adventures over the years.  They are basically "family" - the kind you find, not the kind you're born with. After my husband passed, his friend  (I'll call him Lew to make it easier) let me know that he has long harbored a desire to be with me, but I never knew and he never even implied it. He wouldn't because he was my husband's friend. But when he told me that and that he wanted to be with me, I responded in like. It had been quite some time since my husband and I had been intimate, due to his illness prior to his death. He even mentioned shortly before he died that he had been thinking that Lew and I would end up together, which surprised the hell out of me. But, in retrospect, it seemed like a blessing to me and when Lew let me know how he felt, the thought of being intimate with someone again was appealing to me. Especially someone I knew so well, already had a lot of love for and felt I could trust. So we acted on it and had an amazing 3 day weekend together. How long have you been married? We were married for 42 years. Why do you believe that it's ok for your husband to prowl around prostitutes ( I didn't say it was OK that he did it) and what makes you believe you "drove him to it"?  A couple of things - the person I was before we got together 43 years ago, which was not something I am proud of. And the fact that I lied to him about it, then let the truth out bit by bit, swearing each time he had the whole truth AND the fact that I still liked attention from men even after I was married. I never acted on it, but my appearance and conversation convinced him that something was going on that never did. I don't know if you could say I had emotional affairs - I'm not sure. I had fantasies for sure, and considered acting on them, but never did.  But because I'd lied so much to him, he felt he had to believe what he thought he saw and what his gut was telling him. I didn't find out about the strippers and prostitutes until it was over, which was quite some time before he started to get ill.

It's unclear what your husband's philandering and sex addiction has to do with moving or this friend? Because he carried out that behavior in the same town where Lew lives, which means I really don't want to be there. There are other, practical reasons I don't want to move, but I really don't want to be in an environment where I will be constantly reminded of those hard, heartbreaking times. I want to remember the good times we had over 43 years together.

Please speak to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Please get tested for STDs. This was all so long ago that there is no question of STD's. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Privately and confidentiality discuss your husband's promiscuity, moving and whoever this friend is . I agree that at some point, I need to get some help to comb through the bad memories and let only wonderful memories thrive...both bad memories of our marriage and bad memories of his illness. I think part of that healing for me would include not moving back to that town to be with Lew, who would love nothing better. Frankly, I would love to be with Lew, too. But I just don't think it would be emotionally healthy for me to be there.

Please also privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for advice information and support regarding your situation. At this point, I don't see where an attorney would answer the specific question I'm asking here. And I'm asking here because I fear there may not be time to get to a therapist before Lew and I have that crucial conversation. Incidentally, he won't move here because his son and grandchildren are there, as is his work.

Again, my simple question is if I would be selfish to let him know the emotional reasons I am not prepared to move to be with him. He knows the practical reasons because we've lightly touched on the subject in passing already. I think that if he knew the emotional reasons I don't want to, it might destroy his memories of his dear friend of 30 years, my late husband. But it might help him understand why I can't move back. And each conversation I have with him inches closer to being a serious conversation between us vs. touching on the subject and moving on, so I just need some input on that one, simple question. I will add that I've had a friendly "just checking in on you" chat with him since I began this thread. At this moment, I would say he has NOT made a life decision without talking to me seriously.

Incidentally, Lew knows every sordid little bit of my side of the heartaches we've worked through and the behaviors I did (I did learn my lesson about lying). He lived through a lot of it - as my husband's friend, he knew of my husband's heartache as it happened. However, I'm quite sure that he doesn't know of my husband's secret life.

I guess the real bottom line is that I feel like I already did a lot to ruin one man's life. Am I running the risk of ruining another's man life by letting him know his "brother's" secret life? I just don't know if I'm being selfish for even considering telling him, or if I should just let him be. And yes, we are planning to see each other again soon. But it's a long trip for him.

 

Edited October 29, 2023 by MagsWick

[glows]

I think you’re overthinking this quite a bit and maybe not enough time has passed since your husband passed away or you haven’t dated any one else since. Is this the first man you’re thinking/seeing romantically since your husband passed? 

You do not have to say anything specific at all about your reasons not to move. Please practice healthier boundaries and maintain the privacy of your precious marriage. You can just state that moving is not an option for you as you’re more comfortable where you are, period. 

Don’t go into a longwinded mental battle with yourself recanting old skeletons in closet. It’s none of this new man’s business. Start your life fresh.

In private your might want to consider counselling to unpack your fears and have a safe space to work out why you’re still so terrified of your late husbands indiscretions or your misgivings in your previous marriage. 
 

Edited October 29, 2023 by glows

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, MagsWick said:

 That's a big reason I don't want to move because it would be back to the area where most of that activity happened. If I explained this to my friend, it could crush him. 

Thank you for clarifying. You did not mention in your original post that you are widowed. How long have you been widowed? Are you and "Lew" friends or dating? How old is he? Is he widowed or divorced? How far away do you live from each other? 

Do you own your home? Do you have adult children living at home or nearby? Why would you have to move to have a relationship with Lew?

The decision to move would depend entirely on where you live now, where your children live your assets and retirement portfolio and many other factors besides Lew. 

[MagsWick]

6 hours ago, glows said:

I think you’re overthinking this quite a bit (guilty, and a standard flaw of mine) and maybe not enough time has passed since your husband passed away or you haven’t dated any one else since. Is this the first man you’re thinking/seeing romantically since your husband passed? Yes, it is and it is the only man I could or would remotely consider this with because of our long friendship and mutual trust, as well as a shared love and loss for my husband.

You do not have to say anything specific at all about your reasons not to move. Please practice healthier boundaries and maintain the privacy of your precious marriage. You can just state that moving is not an option for you as you’re more comfortable where you are, period. True

Don’t go into a longwinded mental battle with yourself recanting old skeletons in closet. It’s none of this new man’s business. Start your life fresh. Good point

In private your might want to consider counselling to unpack your fears and have a safe space to work out why you’re still so terrified of your late husbands indiscretions or your misgivings in your previous marriage. Yes, I know and do not disagree. I appreciate your input - and it was exactly what I was looking for. Thank you.

 

[MagsWick]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Thank you for clarifying. You did not mention in your original post that you are widowed. How long have you been widowed? Actually, I'd rather not say. Not long. Suffice to say, if it wasn't Lew, it wouldn't even be a consideration. But because he knew and loved my husband almost as much as I do and because there is so much trust and affection in place just because of our "found family" status between us that goes back so far, and since my husband expressly gave his approval, it seemed very natural and easy. We have a shared loss we are both dealing with as well and I find him very comforting. I believe he gets comfort from me as well. Are you and "Lew" friends or dating? Yes to both. How old is he? 65  Is he widowed or divorced? Divorced How far away do you live from each other? About a four hour drive and we both are still working. Plus, he drives about 500 miles/week just for his job.

Do you own your home? Yes Do you have adult children living at home or nearby? No Why would you have to move to have a relationship with Lew? Because he can't move to be near me because he DOES have adult children nearby - and grandchildren - and his work. And the distance is a challenge at this point.

The decision to move would depend entirely on where you live now, where your children live your assets and retirement portfolio and many other factors besides Lew. Of course. I am well aware of all those things but this one question just got me stuck. That's all. Nothing more.

I think it was good advice from "glows" above.

 

10 hours ago, MagsWick said:

He is one of my late husband's best friends

 

[Wiseman2]

If you are still grieving the loss of your husband (since you don't want to say), it may be best not to make major decisions or changes for now. Are you happy where you are living now? That's the most important thing.

It's understandable you are attached to Lew and he's providing comfort at this time, but it doesn't seem like he expects you to uproot your life at this time.

Things are too fresh. Please consider some local grief support groups as well as local friends and family for support. 

[BaileyB]

I personally wouldn’t tell him why you do not want to move. I don’t believe that he needs to know the reason. 

What you have described is not uncommon when people suffer a loss. I know several couples who began this way…

Not all relationships are meant to be serious relationships. I understand his reasons as stay, and you have your own reasons not to move. You can visit each other and live your own lives otherwise if that makes you happy. Or, you can find another community near his children that isn’t so triggering for you, if that makes you happy. There is no rush - for his children’s sake, and I speak from experience, giving this some time before rushing into any big decisions is a good thing. 

I’m very sorry for your loss. 

[MagsWick]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are still grieving the loss of your husband (since you don't want to say), it may be best not to make major decisions or changes for now. Are you happy where you are living now? That's the most important thing.

It's understandable you are attached to Lew and he's providing comfort at this time, but it doesn't seem like he expects you to uproot your life at this time.

Things are too fresh. Please consider some local grief support groups as well as local friends and family for support. 

You are correct. And this conversation has gone way off it's original track. Fortunately, I did get an answer that gave me a needed nudge. But I do, so very much, appreciate your time and your input as well. Your feedback has been valuable.

[MagsWick]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I personally wouldn’t tell him why you do not want to move. I don’t believe that he needs to know the reason. 

What you have described is not uncommon when people suffer a loss. I know several couples who began this way…

Not all relationships are meant to be serious relationships. I understand his reasons as stay, and you have your own reasons not to move. You can visit each other and live your own lives otherwise if that makes you happy. Or, you can find another community near his children that isn’t so triggering for you, if that makes you happy. There is no rush - for his children’s sake, and I speak from experience, giving this some time before rushing into any big decisions is a good thing. 

I’m very sorry for your loss. 

Thank you. Another confirmation that it would not be wise, kind or necessary to let him know the specifics...if and when that ever comes up.

As an accomplished "overthinker", I find that it comes from a need to be prepared for any eventuality that may come my way. I am quite sure it is directly tied to my tremendous insecurities and then being thrust into making decisions for myself and only myself for the first time in over 43 years. The last time I made decisions for myself and only myself, they were very bad decisions for the most part. I am terrified of myself, in a way, I suppose.

So, if for no other reason than that, best to keep any decisions to small ones until I prove to myself that I am able to make good decisions. 

So many thanks to everyone. This kind of turned into a therapy session in and of itself. 

It's a good thing.

[glows]

Your confidence seems so low, Mags. Although Lew seems like a source of comfort I would question how healthy it is to keep romanticizing this friendship. He can’t move to be where you are and you won’t move to where he is for your personal reasons so why keep entertaining this man as a romantic interest when there is no possibility of a future? 

Having sustained a loss like this I would want to make sure I’m sorting things out in a healthy way locally, depending and leaning on friends and a family in real time not being caught up in a fantasy long distance romance with this man 4 hours away.

I also wonder if it’s holding you in this prison of all the pain your husband put you through with his affairs and you keep reliving this part of your life like you’re punishing yourself over and over for the past. Maybe it’ll take some time but you’ve got to move on from the sick things your husband did and the painful memories. I don’t think it’s a good idea staying in contact with this friend Lew to such an intimate degree especially if it prevents you from processing and letting go. 
 

Edited October 29, 2023 by glows

[ShyViolet]

Sometimes certain things should remain private.  I don't think this friend needs to know all that personal information about what went on in your marriage.  It's very easy to come up with reasons to tell someone why you don't want to move to another city.  Just give him some general reasons and leave it at that.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, MagsWick said:

Another confirmation that it would not be wise, kind or necessary to let him know the specifics...if and when that ever comes up.

I just think that you are entitled to some privacy, even in a relationship. My intention was to give you the permission to keep whatever privacy you deem necessary. 
 

3 hours ago, MagsWick said:

So, if for no other reason than that, best to keep any decisions to small ones until I prove to myself that I am able to make good decisions. 

As they say, and I think it is wise advice, best not to make any big decisions the first year after a significant loss. Having experienced the cloud of grief, you don’t realize until after it starts to lift just how much it affects your thinking and your decision making - even when you think it does not. 

I will also share, my father had great difficulty making his own decisions after we lost my mom - they had been married for forty years. I’ve seen his confidence grow over the years as he has grown into a new stage in his life - the same will happen for you. Best wishes. 

Edited October 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

When you say you live too far apart for a relationship to work, how far are we talking about? 

[MagsWick]

18 hours ago, MsJayne said:

When you say you live too far apart for a relationship to work, how far are we talking about? 

It's about a 4 hour drive - we both work. He travels already 500+ miles/week for his work.

[MagsWick]

21 hours ago, glows said:

Your confidence seems so low, Mags. Although Lew seems like a source of comfort I would question how healthy it is to keep romanticizing this friendship. He can’t move to be where you are and you won’t move to where he is for your personal reasons so why keep entertaining this man as a romantic interest when there is no possibility of a future?  We're going to navigate our way through this and see where it goes. I do know that I will always love Lew for the friend he was to my husband and for the friend he's been for me. We will always remain friends no matter what happens. Of that I am very sure. I think the part of our friendship that is "benefits" right now may or may not grow. But the part of our friendship that is a 30 year relationship between friends will always remain.

Having sustained a loss like this I would want to make sure I’m sorting things out in a healthy way locally, depending and leaning on friends and a family in real time not being caught up in a fantasy long distance romance with this man 4 hours away. Part of the problem with that is I really have no one locally. Any friends I have now are still relatively new friends. No one that has that comfort level of someone you know as well as yourself.

I also wonder if it’s holding you in this prison of all the pain your husband put you through with his affairs and you keep reliving this part of your life like you’re punishing yourself over and over for the past. Maybe it’ll take some time but you’ve got to move on from the sick things your husband did and the painful memories. I don’t think it’s a good idea staying in contact with this friend Lew to such an intimate degree especially if it prevents you from processing and letting go.  I am going to give this a lot of consideration. The painful memories I have really have nothing to do with Lew. In fact, some of the best memories of my entire life are the adventures the four of us (me and my husband with him and his son) enjoyed over the years. Good times, for sure.

But I do need to reflect on why I feel I need to keep punishing myself for my own contributions to the poisonous side of my marriage. It's just that the sweet side was so amazing and I feel so much guilt for my part in squandering my husband's love and for turning him into someone he would have never been otherwise.
 

 

[MsJayne]

7 minutes ago, MagsWick said:

It's about a 4 hour drive - we both work. He travels already 500+ miles/week for his work.

Distance shouldn't keep you apart if you see a future with Lew. I hear your reasons for not wanting to go back to the place where you experienced heartbreak, but maybe you need to re-frame the events and circumstances which occurred there. It wasn't the place, it was the person, and you need to stop taking a portion of the blame for your husband's behaviour. You don't "drive" someone to cheat, they choose to do it. Lew has family so has valid reason to stay where he is, so I think you should reconsider your antipathy towards the place you used to live. Whatever you did before you met your husband, it's past, and unless you secretly murdered someone and buried them in that town it's probably much bigger to you than it is to anyone else. Maybe talking things over with a counsellor might help you to work through some of the things you don't want to be reminded of? It would be a shame to give up on a relationship with someone who sounds like he would take good care of you. The universe is looking out for you by sending Lew to you, and a chance to heal old wounds.  

[Wiseman2]

On 10/29/2023 at 8:10 AM, MagsWick said:

. Initially because of my own actions which destroyed his trust in me to the point that he took actions he would have never taken. he pursued the sexual services of many (scores) strange women over many (30+, off and on) years. 

What was the natural of this breech of trust decades ago? You're not responsible for your late husbands philandering and consorting with prostitutes. That was his choice.

Have you considered grief support groups or especially therapy to unpack and sort out feelings of guilt and regret?

You don't need to tell your friend Lew about your husband's unseemly behavior and you also don't have to move to him to stay friends. 

Edited October 30, 2023 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, MagsWick said:

I feel so much guilt for my part in squandering my husband's love and for turning him into someone he would have never been otherwise.

I’m sorry, maybe this is more than you want to discuss… but, why do you take the blame on yourself for your husband’s infidelity? 

With kindness, marriage is hard. Women have children and they go through period of time when they don’t want or don’t have the time for sex. We all take our partner for granted sometimes. Goodness - even if you had an affair with another man… nothing gives him the right to cheat on you. And let’s be honest, this wasn’t “an affair.” He pursued the sexual services of multiple women for a very long time. Let’s say, you had a health condition that prevented you from having a sexual relationship with your husband - that still doesn’t give him the right to engage in a series of sexual encounters without your knowledge or consent. 

If you have the ability to seek counselling, I would strongly advise this because I feel like you may be carrying a burden  that you really should learn how to very gently put down. 

As it relates to a possible move, i understand that you are still working but if you have no family or friends in the area, maybe you should consider moving. As I said above, you don’t have to move to the same city where your husband’s infidelity occurred if that’s triggering to you - but to a nearby community where you could build a life together. Maybe it’s time to replace those unhappy memories with happy memories -

We only get one life, and as you have learned - it’s short. If there is happiness to be found, don’t let it pass you by… Look forward, not backward. Do you hear what I’m trying to say…

Sure, there were wonderful memories with your husband but there was also a lot of pain… It’s ok to hold those two things together… in much the same way that you could potentially move closer to this man someday (when you are no longer working) and create beautiful new memories that will potentially soften the pain and ugliness of the past. 

Time will tell you what feels right. Either this relationship will grow and you will want to be together (however that looks), or you will keep your friendship. Either way, it would seem to me that you still have a lot to heal as it relates to your husband’s infidelity. It also seems to me that this is a wonderful new opportunity for you to grow - to make new friends, find new adventures, heal your broken heart. 

Edited October 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[FMW]

12 hours ago, MagsWick said:

I feel so much guilt for my part in squandering my husband's love and for turning him into someone he would have never been otherwise

Your husband made his choices, you made yours.  Neither of you were responsible for how the other chose to respond to circumstances.  

Enjoy Lew's company and friendship as the current situation permits.  Don't contemplate big life changes right now.  Focus on coming to terms with what happened in your marriage and understanding that what happens in a marriage involves two people.  Forgive yourself for your own weaknesses and don't shoulder the weight of your husband's choices.  

Take a step back and breathe.

[MagsWick]

On 10/30/2023 at 5:25 PM, MsJayne said:

Distance shouldn't keep you apart if you see a future with Lew. I hear your reasons for not wanting to go back to the place where you experienced heartbreak, but maybe you need to re-frame the events and circumstances which occurred there. It wasn't the place, it was the person, and you need to stop taking a portion of the blame for your husband's behaviour. You don't "drive" someone to cheat, they choose to do it. Lew has family so has valid reason to stay where he is, so I think you should reconsider your antipathy towards the place you used to live. Whatever you did before you met your husband, it's past, and unless you secretly murdered someone and buried them in that town it's probably much bigger to you than it is to anyone else. Maybe talking things over with a counsellor might help you to work through some of the things you don't want to be reminded of? It would be a shame to give up on a relationship with someone who sounds like he would take good care of you. The universe is looking out for you by sending Lew to you, and a chance to heal old wounds.  

I know that talking with a counselor might help. I'm actually, however, getting a lot of insight through this conversation. And the difference between the two is that I don't have to wait a month or more to get an appointment. Getting feedback from people who can look at the situation objectively is enormously helpful. 

I know what you are saying about avoiding a deeper relationship with Lew might be be biting off my nose to spite my face. But, I think I really need to spend some time in quiet reflection while I find my way through my new life before making a decision on another new life. As the days go by, Lew is only showing me more compassion and support and, really, love. I don't want to overthink this, like I am prone to do. Lew is a wonderful man - I think if it's meant to be, it will be, in its' own time. And if its' meant to be, the logistics will work themselves out, one way or another.

Thank you, though, for reminding me that life is short - especially at this point.