Not sure what to do.

[Daniel S]

First of all, I just came across this site and it's truly amazing, so thank you all for your contributions!

My apologies, I may of posted this in the wrong section, trying to delete it and repost it in the correct section.

I'll try not to make this extremely long as I know relationships are quite complex sometimes. October 2022, met a girl at a Halloween party (Lets call her Jane), hung out quite a bit that night, but I kept the conversations open and friendly. The party was hosted by her best friend and also the same individual I would go to trivia with during the week with others (Although I never even knew Jane existed). I asked her friend at following trivia's but she was very dismissive in the sense that she could not get my hint that I was curious about Jane status; single, in a relationship, married, etc. I just was quite curious! I let it lay low until December when Jane appeared at trivia, which she was invited in the past well before I knew about her, but always declined. We sparked more conversations, I honestly didn't know anything existed outside of her that night. At the end, she gave me her number as she was very straight forward and it just kicked off there.

We went on several dates, the first lasting six hours, and the second just as long. By the third, we knew we had something, and yet again as I was taking it a little slow, she beat me to the punch by asking if I was interested in a relationship. Of course I was ecstatic and said yes! We hit it off very well, it was so easy and we cherished our time together and we spent a lot of it together I might add. We had deep conversations that opened up vulnerabilities on both sides throughout the following months. She was also very into various aspects of phycology, so she brought new ideas of relationship building to the light that I have never even thought about (The most important being check ins every month). By month eight, we were going strong, now deeply in love with each other, and numerous talks over the months about next steps and a future together. Now this is not to say everything was perfect, we had one disagreement, but we sat down and worked it out together, which was great as I value conflict resolution in a partnership as I know it's not always perfect. I would lastly like to highlight one important aspect for later, she is a manager at a vet clinic where she manages a handful of individuals. Her stress was on a continual path of escalation as the environment was so extremely toxic, but she felt trapped. Her manager offered her one way out to another position, but she had to wait essentially, which was not good for her mentally at all and I felt so helpless.

Now this is where I start to take partial blame, but I understand my flaws. Enter second disagreement, she had brought up moving in, but subtle hints and not asking directly. Of course in the back of my head I wanted to, but was nervous a bit mostly due to me not sleeping well at her house. It had nothing to do with the house itself, just a new environment that would peak my anxiety and cause me to not sleep well at all during the workweek (The few times I stayed there during the week). She even moved her cats out of the room and bought a new bed (I felt terrible to be honest, but she did agree she slept better with the cats outside). Second, her family who I really liked invited me to Spain with them. While great on paper, this was geared towards her fathers birthday (Milestone age) and centered around a resort and hanging out at the beach. I dodged the question/commitment for several months, mostly nodding my head as I am not very into beaches, more so hanging out in one spot and relaxing on vacation (I enjoy moving around and seeing things). While I knew we needed to talk, she also saw the writing on the wall and asked that week to not just hang out, but clear the air. Met her at her house, I opened up that I did not want to be a burden to her family if I did not look like I was not enjoying myself. She actually was quite understanding and said she was okay with it and glad I opened up to her about it. The second issue was brought to light which I could clearly see was more so of an issue (Rightfully so), the spending time at each others house outside of the weekends. She was upset that she tried quite a bit to get me to be comfortable, but was frustrated and upset that I did not put in the effort to try, rather avoid. It hurt a lot, and I was already planning out in my head well ahead of time to start slow, maybe one night a week at her house and move up from there. I explained this to her and even told her I wanted to simulate living together (splitting time at each others house). Side note, I live in a house I purchased from my parents, so moving right away had some financial implications which she was fine with. Anyways, it was the first time during this serious conversation where she broke from her upset emotional state to a smile and seemingly happy. She said that is a big move and we would need to talk about it in more depth. Last request, which was a bit odd was she asked if we could not talk on the phone each day, which we had been doing for almost our entire relationship now, stating a lot of times we did not have too many updates from the day before and that texting may be a bit easier. I was unsure about this, but it sort of made sense in my head...

Last part, I promise! Now I will add one last detail before the confusing portion kicks in. She asked me a few weeks back if I had noticed anything different about her and she just felt like she was more upset and not as much fun. I answered honestly, that I could not tell, which was the truth, but this is where I think either work or another form of stress was causing issues. So the following 5 days after the conversation, she contacted me by text and we only talked on the phone once, she was way to quiet...I was going to spend the night Thursday (Again pushing my anxiety to the side), but she asked for Friday instead, which I agreed. Queue Friday and me dropping my night bag off before I headed to work, she was very cold, did not want to hug, kiss, or really talk. I figured something went wrong at work and I was willing to listen. She said it was work, but then said it was more...queue my heart dropping to the floor and me having a good idea of what was next. She said depression has really taken a hold and that she just did not want to be around anyone right now. I was in shock...the person who I respected and loved so much in so much pain and I had no idea what to say or do. I held her, cried with her, and ultimately comforted her, but sadly needed to respect her decision as I was not going to beg or plead as that is not what she needed. We didn't talk no contact, to be honest, we didn't say much as I was just heartbroken. I had to leave for work as I didn't know what to do (Thanks shock). She didn't contact me for two weeks, but gave me a date a little over 30 days out to exchange items (Which was odd as I did not know why she picked these two days). I offered instead to do a swap on her porch with no contact so it wasn't too painful for us, which she agreed to. Now over 23 days in...I'm broken, trying to pick up the pieces, but doing everything I can to better myself including reading self help books that I should of read before (Love languages, Attachment styles, etc.). While reading the attachment book, I came across a attachment style that literally scared me, the fearful-avoidant. She essentially checked most the boxes, rough childhood, fast moving in relationships, and will move into an avoidant state if trouble arises and run to protect themselves. I really was not looking for an answer to why the relationship ended to be clear, but is this my closure? These books were to help me become a better partner in the future and grow as a human being is how I approached them, but am I just overthinking this? I love and respect her so much, but I also value myself as well and just have stuck to a NC at this time even though it has been one of the toughest challenges.

Edited October 29, 2023 by Ryan A
Trying to remove.

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, Daniel S said:

While reading the attachment book, I came across a attachment style that literally scared me, the fearful-avoidant. She essentially checked most the boxes

I thought you were going to say you discovered that you are the avoidant one. 

While I agree it's important to pace oneself in a relationship and not move too quickly, it also sounds as though you were dragging your feet on a few things here and leading her to think you were not as interested as she was.

She tried in a few ways to get closer to you and bring you into her world. I mean, ...she invited you on a family holiday and you hemmed and hawed and then rebuffed because you didn't want to sit on the beach? Dude, really? I get that a family beach holiday isn't everyone's cup of tea but surely you realize hanging out on the beavh was beside the point. She wanted to include you in a special family event and you turned it down. Ouch. That no doubt hurt her feelings even if she pretended otherwise. 

Look, it seems you had some misgivings about committing to her even if you didn't come out and say so. She might have her own issues, sure. But I don't think you are quite grasping your own role in this falling apart the way it did. 

 

[Daniel S]

I thank you for your honesty and I totally agree. I stumbled, I was blind in certain areas. My own personal anxiety was/is an issue, I get it and I've been going through therapy for it to help me, which I was blind to for many years. 

I honestly went back and forth in my head in regards to the vacation as I did not want to hurt her or her family...I truly didn't, but I also did not want to disappoint her parents if they read into me not enjoying myself at any point on the vacation as it was truly for them. I guess I played myself into a hole where I thought I was doing the right thing by not hurting anyone...I do feel absolutely terrible. 

I guess at this point I have no clue what to do. I love her, respect her and always have, but I have no clue if this argument gave her the notion to push forward with the separation or if there are the other external factors that play into it. All I want to do is help and support the person I love, but I have no clue how outside of respecting her decision and accepting the NC and just working on becoming a better person.

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, Daniel S said:

I guess at this point I have no clue what to do.

You would be best work on accepting that it's come to an end, and she wants to move on. 

[glows]

The moving in topic and issue was too rushed and too much too soon in a new relationship. Things buckled under that pressure. I can’t think of many people who would turn down a trip to Spain involving beaches and while she was understanding of your decision it seems more like a kick to the groin. She and her family were open to getting to know you more and spending time including you as family but you were just thinking about yourself and that you dislike beaches. When you make a lifetime or long term commitment it is not always going to be about your likes or dislikes. Some sacrifices need to be made for a bigger picture. Going to Spain and spending time with her family is her way of advancing the relationship and I think you missed the point entirely - respectfully speaking.

When put side by side the relationship doesn’t add up - the desire to join lives living together and the decline in spending time on vacation with her family. Vacations end.. you go back to your regular lives. 

It reads more like she was confused and depressed about your relationship and the pressure of moving in was so unfortunate. It could have worked if you both discussed putting it off or talking about a more gradual transition and if you showed more openness to spend time with her folks. 

Either way remember she ended it and instead of telling you if she was upset about things she cited “depression” which is such an open ended topic and leaves so many question marks, so disrespectful to you. She doesn’t have the energy to keep going on and I do think that does need to be respected. 

[Daniel S]

Glows,

Thank you and I respect your honesty, it was selfish and I see it now. I had spent plenty of dinners and gatherings with their family and I believed a fallacy that this may of not been the right trip for us to continue our bond (Yep, stubborn thinking at its finest)...but it was indeed me. I always tend to fear hurting others close to me, so in this instance I tried to find a what I thought was a mutual ground as I did want to respect everyone (Minus the selfish non intended tendency at play) and not hurt anyone. 

The moving in one was hard as that was a personal battle I was fighting internally (And have been since I was a child in terms of sleep) and tried to explain, but she elaborated the fact that she altered quite a few things in her house to make it more comfortable, which made me feel outright terrible due to me fighting an internal issue. She was not wrong, but I tried several times to explain to her the issues I have been dealing with for 20 years...or maybe I need to learn to be even more vulnerable than I was.

While moving on may be the best bet according to everyone here, is there harm sending a letter just apologizing for my blindness and for hurting her? I understand it's a moot point as the relationship is likely gone, I just feel so terrible as I generally go out of my way for friends, family, and significant others. It's only been three weeks, but if it's not a good idea I get it. I just have taken all the blame for this the last 2+ weeks.

Thank you again for taking the time to read this and provide feedback, it really has helped me.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Daniel S said:

 By month eight,  numerous talks over the months about next steps and a future together.     

Sorry this is happening. It seems like way too much way too soon. You're dating less than a year? Do not move in with her. Do not let her move in. Do not sell your house and be her tenant.

Apparently there are several incompatibilities from pets to living habits to family togetherness to how to balance time spent together and managing relationships. 

Step back and reflect in peace whether you can move forward. But please slow down on the moving in together talks.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry that you guys broke up.  

However, this wasn't the best relationship.   You had anxiety about a lot of things.  You were talking about moving in together before you had even been together a year.  That kind of speed is always a problem.   

You don't mention the ownership of her house but since you owned yours, why wasn't her moving with you an option?  There seems to be an issue with your comfort level sleeping -- actually getting zzzz's -- together.  Were there issues with her cats?  

The fact that you couldn't see your way clear to go to this resort for her father's milestone birthday tells me something here wasn't a great fit.  

Break ups suck.  Your pain is real but it will subside.   The answer to why this relationship didn't work is that it just didn't.  That happens some times.  Not everything has definitive reasons.  

Grieve the loss but try not dwell.  Moving forward is your best option.  Hang in there.  

[Daniel S]

Thank you so much Donnivan, I appreciate the kind words.

Sadly, the cats would usually climb all over us throughout the night (I grew up with dogs typically sleeping on the floor or not moving once they are on the bed), hence her being quite kind and shifting their sleeping quarters to outside the bedroom after a month of me originally spending the night on and off.

I agree that it all felt a little to quick (Not sure if that played into my anxiety and hesitantly), to the point where we really didn't talk logistics, just the fantasy of living together. The last argument where we found our conflict resolution, it was odd as I brought the moving in subject up with a temporary solution in terms of splitting our time at each house until we solidify a long term plan. She immediately went from being a little down about the decision from the resort to smiling almost in shock, but then pulled the reigns back and acted a bit like it made her nervous based on body language. I was just utterly confused. I think the one thing that has always kept me thinking as there were two times (Both times we resolved some minor arguments), where she was worried as she felt like she was self sabotaging the relationship. Even when breaking up, she said her parents told her not to and that she always ends up self sabotaging. Hence my continual confusion as outside of the resort issue, we had no issues.

Again, I appreciate the kind words and will try to push on instead of writing a sorry letter as I am not sure that is what she may want.

Edited October 30, 2023 by Daniel S

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Daniel S said:

Hence my continual confusion as outside of the resort issue, we had no issues.

With respect, how can you say that when you also descibe this:

16 hours ago, Daniel S said:

spending time at each others house outside of the weekends. She was upset that she tried quite a bit to get me to be comfortable, but was frustrated and upset that I did not put in the effort to try, rather avoid. It hurt a lot,

There were issues apart from the resort issue. 

It appears you didn't really get how deeply this was hurting her until it was too late. 

Edited October 30, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

She knows & her parents know she self sabotages relationships.  Try giving yourself a break & acknowledging that she wasn't making things easy.   it wasn't all your fault that things didn't work out.